PREVIOUS : Self-regulation – Intro 

THEORY
Self-regulation (S-R) has received a great deal of attention from psychology, education, neuroscience & athletics. Research began with Albert Bandura in the 70s-80s. Since then, many others have developed models of S-R, (with overlapping aspects), which expand our understanding of this concept.
The term refers to internal states & processes linked to the regulation of attention, emotions, impulses, stress, moods, stressors & thoughts.

1. Self-regulation theory (SRT) says that we expend conscious effort to control what we think, say & do, trying to be the person we want to be, both in specific situations & in the longer-term.

S-R is especially needed when there’s a conflict of motivations (to run from a fire OR help to rescue victims), & also relates to creating beneficial actions, such as studying for exams. To accomplish one’s goals, developing S-R requires evaluating & taking charge of one’s choices, by monitoring, directing & regulating behavior.

Baumeister (2007) listed the main S-R components of goal-attainment-efforts in any area of life :
▫️ Standards  = develop a model of desirable behavior
▫️ Motivation = the ability to meet those standards
▫️ Monitoring = keep track of events & thoughts that cause us to ignore or betray those standards
▫️ Willpower = internal strength to control self-defeating urges

S-R is intertwined with Motivation, which are our beliefs & attitudes that affect the development & use of various mental skills (cognitive & meta-cognitive). It’s deliberately choosing to act – avoid slacking off or procrastinating – so we complete tasks when there’s no real or immediate external consequence.

It’s one factor that determines how well we succeed. Whatever other qualities we may have, a strong capacity to be self-motivating is needed to promote our sense of purpose, competence & self-esteem. (HOW TO….Use these on yourself!)

SIMPLIFIED : ➡️  The Zimmerman S-R Model consists of 3 aspects, forming a cycle which can be repeated as many times as needed until it becomes integrated & automatic :
‣Preparing, with forethought, what we want to do before we act
‣Taking Action,  what we do during a task or event
‣Reflecting. reviewing what we did, after an action. This should determine how we prepare before a next attempt. (MORE…. about each one)

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NEXT : S-R & the BRAIN

PREVIOUS : Song “THIS IS ME”

SITE : Blue Brain, Red Brain BALANCE is the Key

DEF
PHYSICAL – Our bodies have the capacity for self-regulation, such as heart rate rising & slowing down according to our activities. Also, the autonomic nervous system works – below our awareness – to regulate & balance many automatic functions. When any of these are out of balance, we experience internal symptoms & feeling out of synch with our environment.

PSYCHOLOGICAL : Self-regulation (S-R) also means being “in control of oneself by oneself” – the necessary steps taken to stay even-keeled.
It’s a person’s ability to consciously, deliberately monitor & manage reactions to their environment in appropriate ways, so they can navigate daily life successfully, more easily absorb info, feel good in their skin & generally get along well in the world.

Importance of S-R
Being self-regulated helps us use the right personal & social skills – at the right time – resisting self-defeating or dangerous responses to internal reactions & external aggravations. In its most basic form, being able to S-R allows us to  :
▶︎ 1. stay calm under stress (the lead-up to a big event), & pressure (what we experience at that moment)
Stress moments are experienced when no one else is paying attention when we’re overwhelmed. Pressure is the tension we feel when a moment is important or uncertain to ua, & when we think we’re being judged by others.
▶︎ 2. bounce back from failure, disappointment or loss

More than many other skills, these 2 will successfully carry us thru life. They’re founded on self-esteem & strong resilience.
Having the ability to activate S-R gives us room to pause between a feeling & an action – the time to think things through, make a valid plan & wait patiently for the right outcome when necessary.
Children often struggle to implementing these options, & many adults do as well.

It’s easy to see how a lack of S-R causes problems in life. A child who yells or hits other children out of frustration will not be popular among peers, & face reprimands at school.
An adult who lacks self-esteem & self-confidence will have poor S-R skills, so have trouble handling frustration & disappointments. This can be expressed as anger or anxiety, & in more severe cases may become a mental disorder (depression, mild paranoia….)

AREAS to be Self-regulated
• Biological – related to the level of energy in our nervous system
• Cognitive – the mental processes needed for absorbing, retaining &  being able to use info : memory, attention, problem solving….
• Emotional – about pleasant & painful feelings

• Social – the child’s ability to use social cues to act in acceptable / appropriate ways, also known as social intelligence (SQ)
• Actions / Prosocial – as adults, how we behave with others around us with empathy – keeping up positive social connections

LEVELS of S-R Awareness (T.E.A.)
Mental = replace distorted / unrealistic beliefs (Stinkin’ Thinkin’) with healthy though patterns, use one’s executive function strategies to learn & to solve problems

Emotional = able to identify a variety of emotions (Es) as they surface, take responsibility for having those Es and for expressing them in healthy ways, recognizing that Es can dissipate or change

Physical = recognize physical arousal by sensations in various parts of the body, seen via body scans, or by successfully used strategies (deep breathing, NLP, biofeedback devices…..) – to calm down & return to a higher brain function (Adulting)

HEALTHY self-control is a fundamental human capacity, but must be learned, so Self-regulation (S-R) is a major developmental task of childhood. Ideally, the adults act as role models, providing a psychological framework for the child’s internal ability to regulate.
(SEE 7 posts re. unhealthy ACoA over-control)

In a safe environment – the infant learns that its needs will be met by one or more adults, within a reasonable time, so it learns to trust that a caretaker will come, help her/him to calm itself, & provide all its needs.

❣️ Consistently responsive adults help the child build the capacity to wait, because it knows it will be taken care of.

S-R skills can be taught. They develop gradually, so it’s important that parents & teachers have age-appropriate expectations for how a child is able to react to various experiences. Most children learn by imitation – observing how others regulate themselves, especially the important adult, but some will need more hands-on instructions & a lot of practice.

✴︎ Good self-control in childhood predicts better health, less need for addictions, better income, & less criminal offending – as positive outcomes in adulthood.

NEXT: Self-Regulation – S-R Theory

PREVIOUS : WHY we Need to CRY – Part 3

HUMOR :  “20 Reasons To Cry”

Crying & Your Skin
Crying is essential for eye health.
As it turns out, practicing certain habits both during & after crying can make a difference in how your skin reacts.

Everyone’s crying style is different, but it’s not uncommon to have mild facial irritation after a good crying spell. One reason is that tears are isotonic (close to the normal saline used in intravenous (IV) fluids).  Tears have a pH of 7, which is higher than in our skin –  5.5 or 6. Because of this difference – while short-term crying is not harmful – long-term exposure to tears can cause more irritation & changes in skin hydration, which can lead to wrinkles.

“pH” refers to “potential hydrogen”, the level of acid & alkaline base in a substance, on a scale of 0 to 14, from most acidic to most basic. Both drinking water & human blood have a neutral pH, around 7.

Shedding tears has an effect on your entire face. When crying, the blood vessels around the eyes, face & nose become dilated with increased blood flow, leading to swelling, puffiness & redness.
Afterward, to reduce irritation, help re-constrict blood vessels & reduce dehydration from loss of electrolytes, wash your face with cold water or apply a cold compresses over eyelids. Apply a moisturizer with squalene, ceramides, or hyaluronic acid. Always pat gently, never rub!

Some very easy, inexpensive ways to treat the skin around the eyes :  A slice of potato & a cucumber can help relieve swelling & reduce dark circles under the eyes. Start by applying the cucumber slices to your eyes for 5 minutes. Then, replace them with potato slices for 5 minutes. Repeat 2-3x. Cucumbers contain powerful antioxidants that reduce irritation, and potatoes contain an enzyme called catecholase that helps lighten skin.

Crying for No (obvious)
Crying is normal in certain stressful situations. But frequently tearing up without an immediate cause may be a sign of a serious underlying condition. If you’re crying every day during normal activities, you may have postpartum or general depression with excessive feelings of guilt or shame,  & /or thoughts of suicide or death.
If you consider self-harm or act on the compulsion, call your local emergency services. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is #988.
More rarely, other causes of uncontrollable tears include pathological laughing & crying which can come with Alzheimer’s disease, stroke, or other brain diseases.

When OTHERS Cry
If someone starts to cry in front of you, you may feel uncomfortable & either try to cheer them up, or have a negative reaction. If you let it show, you can make the crier feel weak, embarrassed, or misunderstood, even though may not mean to be unkind.
Instead – these are APPROPRIATE ways to RESPOND :
✴︎ Simply acknowledge their sadness & embarrassment, being compassionate about their feelings
✴︎ Respect their tears. Show you care by letting them release their pain – without interfering

✴︎ Don’t talk too much, or not at all.  Give them time to organize their thoughts. Don’t rush to offer advice – ever – & hold space for them to process feelings

✴︎ When they’re ready to talk, let them tell you about what’s going on without commenting. Be patient as you listen to why they cried & how they feel now
✴︎✴︎ Accept the way they respond. Don’t tell the how they should feel or push them to feel a different way !

Studies show that people with secure relationship attachments are more comfortable showing emotion. They may cry in normal & healthy settings, while those with insecure relationship attachments may cry at inappropriate times.
Those with clingy or dependent styles (anxious-preoccupied) cry more often & people who are avoidant & withholding in close relationships – are less likely to cry, trying hard to avoid tears.

Some people generally cry less than others, which can be appropriate for them, as they may express emotions in other ways, while still having healthy outlets for dealing with physical or emotional pain.

NEXT : Self-Regulating – CHILDREN

PREVIOUS :
Why Cry ? – Part 2

SITE : “Happy Crying – why does it happen?”

PURPOSEs for CRYING
1. Detoxify the body – The 3 types of tears are reflex , continuous, emotional. Reflex & continuous tears contain 98% water, but emotional tears contain stress hormones & other toxins. Researchers say that crying flushes these things out of your system

2. Dull pain
When you’re physically hurt causing pain, crying is a natural response. This can signal that you’re in distress & need or want someone to help you.  Physical pain causes the body stress, & crying can release stress hormone cortisol, which helps to recover from the experience.

Crying for long periods releases oxytocin & endogenous opioids, ie. endorphins. These feel-good chemicals help ease both physical & emotional pain, especially oxytocin which gives a sense of calm or well-being. Once released, your body may go into a temporary numbness, providing a time to heal.

3. Self-soothe
Crying is be one of the best self-soothing mechanisms. Researchers have found that it activates the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), the physical part of us that helps the body digest & rest. However, the benefits aren’t immediate. It may take several minutes of shedding tears before you feel the soothing effects of crying. 2014 research also found that tears lower cortisol, easing stress.

4. Improve mood
Along with easing pain, crying – specifically sobbing – may even lift your spirits. When you sob, you take in many quick breaths of cool air. which can help regulate & even lower the brain’s temperature. A cool brain is feels better to your body & mind than a warm one., so your mood may improve after a sobbing episode

5. Recover from grief
Grieving is a process. It involves periods of sorrow, numbness, guilt, & anger.
Crying is particularly important during grieving episodes, because it can help to process & accept the loss of a loved one.

Everyone goes through the grieving process in different ways.
Depression is different than sadness – which is an emotion, while depression is a mental health condition. One symptom of depression is frequent crying.  Extreme or long-lasting crying which starts to interfere with your everyday life may need medical help.

6. Rally Social Support
From the time you were a baby, crying has been an attachment behavior.  As an adult, when feeling blue, crying is a way to let those around you know you need comfort & support. This article suggests that tears are a way to silently signal distress to people close by us.

This is known as an inter-personal benefit. This helps to build a social support network when the going gets tough. People tend to feel more empathetic to those who cry. A comprehensive research study of 7,007 participants found that people exposed to faces with-or-without tears were more likely to support those that were tearful.

Researchers propose that crying can be a form of social bonding for some. It seems that someone who is tearful is experienced as being ‘warm’, making the observer feel connected to them.
An other study showed that there are pheromones in tears that lower testosterone & aggression when smelled. So it literally changes how people react to you, a way of chemical communication.

It may also a truth check. EXP : If it’s inconvenient for me to help you, I might dismiss your complaints. But if you’re also shedding tears I’m more likely to take you seriously even if iI really don’t want to pay attention, because I know they’re hard to fake 😓(for most people).

7. Restore emotional balance
Crying does not only happen in response to something sad. You can cry when extremely happy, very scared or very angry, which can be your body’s way to recover from experiencing such a strong emotion. Researchers at Yale University believe that crying in those situations helps to restore emotional equilibrium.

8. To express joy
Crying isn’t only reserved for times when in physical or emotional pain. Many people also cry when extremely happy, including times of intense laughter. Leaking tears when you’re excited, touched, relieved, deeply grateful…..  – is healthy. This is common during positive life events such as a child’s birth or at weddings.

NEXT : Why Cry? Part 4

PREVIOUS : Why Cry – Part 1

SITE : ” Crying in your sleep”

3 TYPES of Tears

Crying is a way to help ensure your eyes stay healthy. According to the American Academy of Ophthalmology (AAO), tears help lubricate eyes & protect them from bacteria. The liquid product of crying can be divided into 3 distinct categories = basal, relax, emotional = with the first 2 being made up of 98% water. (MORE…..)

1. BASAL. These tears coat your eyes throughout the day, protecting the eyes by keeping out debris. Blinking helps spread them evenly over the surface of your eyes keeping them hydrated.  Tears transport oxygen & nutrients to the surface of your eyes,  improving your vision by sharpen your focus. To do their job, tears contain:  ☆ Water for moisture
☆ Mucus to spread tears over the surface
☆ Oils for lubrication, toprevent tears from evaporating
☆ Antibodies & special proteins to resist infection.

2. REFLEX (Irritant / continual). These tears gush out of the glands under your eyebrow when you throw up, from peeling onions, perfume,  pepper spray, or getting debris in your eyes. They also flush out irritants to protect your sight.
They can get triggered by bright lights, & from hot or peppery stimuli to the tongue & mouth. They’re also linked with vomiting, coughing & yawning.

3. EMOTIONAL. Humans are the only species known to produce emotional tears.  This category is about empathy, compassion, attachment pain, & moral or sentimental emotions – serving a biological function by excreting stress-inducing hormones built up through times of emotional distress.

Emotional tears have a different chemical makeup than those for lubrication (types 1 & 2) – the protein-based hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormone, & Leu-enkephalin (a natural painkiller). When these receptors in the ANS are activated, the lacrimal gland is stimulated to produce tears, which can be very therapeutic, known as “a good cry”, a part of the healing process.

Because tears have a symbolic meaning among humans, they communicate our emotions to others. They can make us more open & available, which could improve relationships, because crying often connects people, whether out of grief, love, passion, or another strong emotion.

It seems that crying particularly helps to soothe us when combined with outside support & comfort.  In many cases it may make others be empathetic & compassionate toward the crier, softening their anger or unpleasant reaction that made us cry in the first place.

Get to sleep : When we cry, our heart rate increases & breathing slows, reducing oxygen to the brain, which leads to drowsiness. Crying takes a lot of energy & is hard on the body. But intense sobbing to vent trauma will relieve our body of countless toxins & hormones like cortisol and prolactin (which contribute to elevated stress levels), & so will allow us to sleep better.  (Quora…..)

On the other hand, insincere grief or dishonest remorse is sometimes called crocodile tears, from an Ancient Greek anecdote that crocodiles would pretend to weep while luring or devouring their prey.
Also, “crocodile tears syndrome” is slang for Bogorad’s syndrome, a rare reaction to recovery from Bell’s palsy,  when a faulty facial nerve regeneration causes the person to shed tears while eating.

NOTE for ACoAs : When in early recovery, suffering a deep loss, or when uncovering old trauma at any time, it’s absolutely normal & healthy to do a lot of crying, even on-&-off for months or years. As long as you’re getting the right kind of therapy, Program meetings & spiritual support, you will come out the other end of the pain tunnel much lighter & more grounded in your True Self.  Accept the process!

DRY EYE syndrome ( kerato-conjunctivitis sicca)
Symptoms range from mild, & occasional to severe and continuous. They include dryness, irritation, redness, discharge, blurred vision, & easily fatigued eyes.
It can lead to blurred vision, instability of the tear film, increased risk of damage to the ocular surface such as scarring of the cornea, & changes in the eye, including to the neuro-sensory system

It can be caused by age, and certain medications such as antihistamines, some blood pressure meds, hormone replacement therapy, and antidepressants.…
It affects 5–34% of people to some degree, depending on the population, & seniors are affected up to 70%. (17% in China)

NEXT : Why Cry? Part 3

PREVIOUS : How to STOP Lying, #3

SITE : “Why can’t I cry even though I’m sad?”  (& How to cry if  you want to)

ACoAs :
For some of us, allowing ourself to cry is very difficult – all our tears seem to be dried up. They could molest, beat, belittle us, punish or made fun of as a cry-baby…. but early on we determined we would never let them see that they won. We had to “be strong”, had to pretend their abuse didn’t hurt…. so we swallowed our tears, & now we can’t seem to access them!

For others, as adults we seem to cry at the drop of a hat, whether at a sad movie, a big disappointment, being frustrated or very angry. All our accumulated pain is right on the surface, easily triggered.  Before recovery, one highly sensitive ACoA quipped : “I’m an emotional hemophiliac. Touch me & I bleed! ”

THIS set of POSTs is mainly aimed at the first group.
The reality is that we have tear-ducts built into our body for a reason!  just as the ability to feel emotions is built into our brain, from the amygdala, as part of the limbic system.
Among other things, this is part of our brain that automatically detects danger.
But since most ACoAs grew up in very dangerous families & environments, we had to be constantly on alert, hiding, placating or fighting. So it makes sense that our whole limbic system got overworked & then shut down. 

CRYING is a natural response to a range of emotions, from deep sadness & grief to extreme happiness & joy.  It’s an important safety valve, since tears release /expel endorphins like oxytocin. If you always suppress tears, you may not be able to express emotions in a healthy way – called repressive coping.

Physically, repressive coping has been linked with a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, auto-immune diseases…. Psychologically, not crying about painful emotions can lead to mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, & dissociation.

Even though at first you might feel exhausted when the tears stop flowing, crying has long been considered beneficial. Its medical value has been known as far back as in Classical antiquity. Thinkers & physicians of ancient Greece & Rome asserted that tears work like a purgative, draining off impurities.

Today’s psychological thought emphasizes crying as a mechanism to release stress & emotional pain. It has also been shown to increase attachment behavior, encouraging closeness, empathy & support from friends & family.

Popular culture has always known the value of a good cry as a way to feel better – maybe even to experience physical pleasure – as proven by the millions of people who watched classic tearjerker films such as West Side Story or Titanic….

Crying AMOUNT
Some people are more likely to cry than others. Researchers at the Tilburg University in the Netherlands studied crying extensively, & found that average amounts by country vary considerably. EXPs: pr. month : women in China only cry about 1.4x . Men in Bulgaria reportedly cry a mere 0.3x .

Averages in America are on the higher side  = pr. month : women cry 3.5x, men cry around 1.9 x .
Other research :  overall, US women cry 60% more than men, but experts aren’t sure why. It could be because men:
♛ Have smaller tear ducts
♛ Usually have more testosterone, which may inhibit crying
♛ Have less prolactin, a hormone that might promote tears
♥︎ Are often encouraged to not cry

What are tears made of?
The outer oily layer prevents tears from drying up too quickly, while the inner mucous layer allows the tear film to stick to our eyes, always coating the eyes around the cornea (clear outer layer of eyeball). The middle watery layer is the thickest, keeping the eyes wet, nourishing their tissues.

Tears are also filled with electrolytes, which explains their salty taste. Electrolytes are essential minerals with an electric charge, necessary to many bodily functions. They’re in our blood, sweat & urine. When we lose a lot of electrolytes via sweating, crying, or using the bathroom, we need to replenish them by drinking water & eating electrolyte-rich food.

NEXT : Part 2

PREVIOUS : How to STOP LYING (#2)

⬅️ SITE : “Story Time: Honesty always pays”

1. DECIDING to stop
2. MAKING a Plan

3. STAYING Honest
a. Recognize patterns that cause you to slip. The more you you get into the habit telling the truth, the patterns in your thinking that lead to lies will be easier for you to notice. These include the Toxic Family Rules & Cognitive Distortions they lead to.  Stay awake for how you have been obeying these mental traps, which lead to lying – so you won’t automatically fall back into the lying-habit.

• Short circuit these patterns by learning ways to identify & soothe childhood anxiety at the root of lying. Develop a variety of strategies  you’ve practiced & often rehearsed – that’s put in place to help you cope when asked something triggering, so you don’t have to lie.
EXP : just smile & be silent, ask the other person about themself….

• Do not ever be hard on yourself when you slip. The addiction to lying is a hard ‘habit’ to break. Go right back to being honest – like getting back to a diet, or getting up after falling off a bike….  Don’t give up or let the old patterns hijack your life again.

b. Make honesty the core of your character. Honesty is a highly valued character trait across many cultures & societies. It’s developed through early childhood being in heathy smiles, & honed by consistently being strong in difficult situations – year in, year out. Let Truth  (a transcendent fundamental or spiritual reality) become your automatic response when faced with stressors in life.

• Recognizing honesty in others can be helpful when trying to live an ethical life. Who do you admire & respect?  Ask “What would Jose or Salima say in this situation?” & learn from them, applying your own way of doing things.

• Find other honest role models – bible characters, spiritual leaders, honorable characters in literature, philosophers, leaders of social movements….. No one can be honest sometimes all the time, but principled people pick themselves up & keep doing the right thing to the best of their ability.

c. Build good relationships.
The more regularly you tell the truth, keep your commitments & treat others with respect, the more they’ll trust you, which feels good. With   the right people, trust leads to great friendships, intimate relationships, & a feeling of belonging. It minimizes loneliness by being a part of community. Not hiding behind lies provides the opportunity to be accepted for who you really are – your True Self.

• It is never too late to become an honest person
• IF you’re with the right people – who are both intelligent & kind, you can disclose to them some of the things you’ve hidden
• If you’ve been lying for a while, it’s better to tell them as soon as possible, which can help to clean up misunderstandings & betrayals.

d. Get outside help
You might think you’re alone in your effort to stop lying, but there are people who have been through this & can be supportive. It’s tough to quit any addiction by yourself. Reach out to people who can provide good advice, as well as hold you accountable for reaching your goal.

• It’s not shameful to work with a skilled therapist. It’s worth talking with someone who has experience helping people who need guidance & validation that you can change a life-long parer. They can help to uncover some of the underlying reasons for this addiction, such as childhood neglect, sexual  &/or physical abuse, emotional manipulation…. This will be extremely valuable to help transition from frequent lying to consistent honesty

• Talk to the people you’re close to. Specific people will want to help you stop lying, even if they’ve been hurt by your dishonesty in the past. If you feel safe enough, tell your parents, siblings, or a close friend about your goal, so they can provide encouragement

• Join a support group. Sharing with other people who understand exactly what you’re going through is crucial. Look for an online groups that meets on line or in person near you.

NEXT : Song “This is Me”

PREVIOUS : How to STOP LYING (#1)

SITE : about “Radical Honesty

1. DECIDING to stop

2. MAKING a Plan
a. Identify your triggers. To stick to your goal, it’s imperative to identify the People, Places & Things (PPT) that trigger you so you to avoid telling the truth. As they become clearer, you can either avoid situations that scare or anger you, or find better ways to deal with them.
☞ Do you tend to lie when feeling anxious about a task to project, to temporarily ease that emotion?
☞ Do you lie to specific people?  Your mate, so they won’t leave, parents or children so they won’t be disappointed, bosses to not get fired?…..

b.  Learn to face consequences. At some point, telling the truth will put you in a situation you’ve always wanted to avoid by lying.  In ‘recovery’ you’ll have to own up to the times you didn’t follow the rules, admit you’re unemployed, didn’t get the part you auditioned for, or tell someone you are not actually interested in a relationship…..
Facing your uncomfortable emotions & consequences from others – is still truly better than lying because it strengthens your character & builds trust with other people.

• Be prepared for other people’s reactions. Maybe someone hearing the truth will make a negative comment or do something you don’t like. Even so, you can be proud of yourself for being honest, & that you’re handling problems with strength instead of the easy way out.

• Work on building trust with anyone who may not believe you at first. It may take a while before they’re sure about you, so keep working at it. Repairing damaged relationships is not magic. The next time you tell a lie to that person, you’ll are back at square one.

c. If you can’t say something true, don’t say anything at all. When faced with a trigger & you simply can’t be honest in the moment, it’s better to be quiet or change the subject. You are not required to respond to questions you don’t want to answer, or reveal information that’s private.

• If someone asks you a question directly you’re not ready to answer truthfully, it’s legitimate to tell them you’d rather not answer. It may feel a little awkward, but it’s still better than lying (OR over-explaining!).

• Avoid situations that have typically stir up the need to look good or important by lying – such as in group conversations where everyone brags about their accomplishments.

• Pay attention to physical ‘tells’ indicating you’re about to tell a lie. You might look down instead of at the person, feel your heart beating faster, or that you’re sweating a little. As soon as you notice, get yourself out of the situation so you won’t ‘have to’ lie.

d. Actively Practice telling the truth.  If you’ve been lying more often than not, telling the truth really does take practice. The key is to think before you speak, taking an extra second or so to decide if you can say something that’s truthful. It doesn’t have to be special, important or interesting. Just real! Remember, if you’re asked a question you can’t answer honestly, don’t answer, or deflect. The more you practice, it can become your ‘new norm’….

• Try practicing with strangers, or in an online forum. Telling the truth to people you don’t have a relationship can be freeing, since there are (usually) no consequences.

• With people you do know, practice by talking about neutral subjects you feel confident discussing. Offer genuine opinions about anything, give basic information about your weekend plans , or what you had for breakfast.

• If you have trouble talking about yourself – discuss the news, sports, philosophy, business ideas, a recipe you love, a favorite to band or show you want to see, your pet….. The point is to practice, practice, practice – saying things that are true.

NEXT : How to STOP LYING (#3)

PREVIOUS : Dealing with Liars

SITE : “Fight, flight, freeze, and fibbing: Lying as a trauma-based behavior”

Loosely based on wikiHow

1. DECIDING to Stop
Being consistently dishonest may not seem to cause harm, but it’s often used to manipulate other people’s behavior & their attitude toward the liar. Exposed to a liar over time slowly whittles away at the victim’s free will & their right to make choices based on truth.

a. Figure out why you lie. Is it a way:
✴︎ to protect yourself from being abused (socially, verbally, physically….) ? A child may have few or no other ways to find some safety – a neighbor, teacher, best friend…… AND as an adult – if you’re in a truly dangerous situation, keep looking for a safe way to escape, so you won’t need lies to cope.

✴︎ to have some control over situations? When you can see an obvious way to get what you want by telling a lie, telling the truth is tough.  You may believe dishonesty is the only way to make other people do what you want, since you haven’t developed internal permission to get your needs met directly.

✴︎ to make yourself look better?  If you’re low on self-esteem, it seems like a shortcut to boosting your status at work, in your social circle, even with loved ones – until you’re caught! People with healthy self-regard (not arrogance like narcissists) don’t need or want to lie, unless in an emergency.

✴︎ to comfort yourself ? Telling the truth can be very hard. In specific situations it can causes you awkwardness or anxiety (making a difficult statement, asking for a need….). And it can make others uncomfortable – if it’s something they don’t want to hear. Lying to others, and even more to yourself, prevents from having to face painful emotions & situations

b. Determine why you want to stop
If you don’t have strong enough reasons for quitting, it’s a lot harder to give up lying about yourself or to others. Consider seriously what effect it’s had on your sense of self & on your relationships. Sticking to this defensive pattern undermines your ability to develop self confidence & self worth. A deep part of yourself knows you’re not living from integrity, even though you may think you’re protecting yourself

Some reasons to work on changing:
• TO experience yourself as a valuable person. Lying cuts you off from reality when you camouflage large parts of yourself by projecting a fake image to the world

• TO express real emotions & opinion, so your True Self can be seen & valued. Being able to feel good about yourself is the main reason to stop lying. You may find it’s a relief to show the best parts of yourself that have always been there. This means slowly shedding the False Self developed in a toxic family environment, which need lies to keep it propped up.

• TO connect with others . Under everything – we want to connect with others, to not feel isolated & alone. Lying gets in the way of that deep need. Positive relationships are based on compatibility – and the ability to express our native personality to each other. With the right people, the more each one reveals, the closer we get.

• TO gain back people’s trust. Naturally, this refers to your relationship with people who have known you a long time & know your tendency to distort information, so they know they can’t rely on whatever you say – even when you’re telling the truth.

Having caught you in lies, they’ll protect themself from frustration & disappointment by keeping you at arm’s length or ending their connection. If that matters to you, you’ll need to start being honest – a little at a time – & continue until they can depend on your word. This may take years, so don’t be surprised & don’t give up.

c. Make a commitment to stop
Treat lying as you would any other addiction, making a serious commitment to change. It requires a lot of hard work & self-awareness, so❣️set the worthwhile intention every morning – as you start your day that “I will stop to think, & then tell one less lie today than I want to perpetrate”.
Follow thru & see how that feels. Over the weeks, make it 2 less a day, then 3 …..

NEXT : How to STOP LYING (#2)

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BOOK : “Big Liars – What Psychological Science Tells Us About Lying and How You Can Avoid Being Duped

🚫 HOW to MANAGE being around them

🔸 Consider the Source
When hearing facts that don’t add up, our first instinct may be to assume someone is lying to hurt us, & so approach them with that attitude. Before reacting, stop to consider who this person is to you, & base your response on that.  Are they a close friend who is typically supportive & appreciates all your good points?  or a colleague who is jealous, & constantly puts you down?….

🔸 Look Inward
It may be hard, but it’s worth asking yourself what’s your reaction to hearing the actual (brutal?) truth from someone? If you get hurt, offended or angry every time, you should expect people to start omitting details or even lying to you.

Would you rather be lied to, like getting an insincere complement on a new blouse, or more seriously – a buddy agreeing with your idea of going for an unrealistic goal, even knowing it wouldn’t work ? Be honest with yourself about your expectations of others, & see if you may be holding them to an unfair standard.

🔸 Document the Evidence
If someone is gaslighting you – making you feel crazy for questioning things – it’s very important to document the evidence,  journaling your experiences, not just your opinions. Some people who lie are very clever at demolishing your sense of reality, so keeping a record is an excellent way to stay grounded in “I know what I know”.

🔸 Have Realistic Expectations
The reality is that some people will continue to lie. Accept what you know – identifying what you can & can’t count on them for. That will save you a lot of future heartache.
IF you must stay in contact, based on their role in your life (parent, addicted adult-child, boss ….), decide to relate to them only superficially, & never rely on them for the truth.

🔸 Think Before Confronting
When you want to talk to someone you know has been lying to you, first identify the main points you’ll want to get across. Next, practice saying them out loud – alone or with a neutral person. When emotions are intense, it’s easy to lose focus & get sidetracked – especially by the liar. Rehearsing ahead of time will help to stay anchored when the time comes.

🔸 Express Boundaries 
Knowing your boundaries – in any situation – is important for self-esteem & self-empowerment, but especially in any relationship that’s been fractured by dishonesty.
Boundaries are not about telling someone what they should or should not do. It’s about setting limits on what you will tolerate & stating what you do find acceptable. Make the consequences very clear about what you will or won’t do if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, & be ready to enforce it.

🔸 Give them a Chance to Rebuild Your Trust
IMP: This does not apply to compulsive, narcissistic, pathological liars!
Being lied to can trigger a grief process, which you won’t get over quickly. If the other person admits to their harmful behavior (is accountable) & understands how/ why they hurt you, that’s a good sign. If not, the relationship won’t grow. Sometimes the only realistic, self-caring option is to distance yourself. Either way, take your time to heal.

🔸 Practice Kindness
Consider – what you heard may not be what was said or meant. It could have been a misunderstanding. If you decide to confront someone about a lie, start out with a willingness to give them a chance to explain. Share how you found out about the lie & ask for their take on it. Accusing someone of something big requires big evidence.

🔸 Stay Levelheaded
When planning a conversation about someone lying – even if it’s an important lie, try to stay in charge of your feelings & behavior.  You don’t want to turn into someone you don’t respect. Your emotions of anger, frustration, disappointment…. are valid.  You have a right to an outlet for them – so express them appropriately, rather than in a way you’ll regret.

🔸 Take Time for Recovery
From white lies to big omissions, lying covers a broad range of untruths, & so are our reactions. You may feel annoyed, scared, shocked…..  Stop to experience your emotions, write about them & maybe share what happened with a trusted confidant – so they don’t come out sideways later on.

For a big lie, like an affair, you’ll need lots of time to collect yourself & recover. When your reality has been shaken, do things you enjoy as a great way to soothe your wounded heart, & use grounding exercises like deep breathing ,  polyvagal exercises…. to calm your nervous system.

🔸 Therapy
A therapist can be a great short-term tool or an ongoing resource. You don’t have to wait until things become unmanageable or as a last resort. Therapy can be situation-specific & end when the issue feels resolved.

If lying has created a wedge between you & your partner, a neutral person in couples therapy can help to process painful emotions, examine each person’s beliefs, underlying needs & expectations, as well as explore where you want the relationship to go from here..

Modified from EVERYDAY💚HEALTH article by Hilary I. Lebow

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