al-anon

Double BINDS – Origins (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-09-21 at 4.31.29 PM
I NEED TO LEAVE
but I have to stay……”

PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 3

SITE: “Double Bind Theory: Still crazy-making
after all these years”


🌀 Types of BINDS (Part 1)

🚻 In PSYCHOANALYTIC Terms 
The ego’s unconscious intentional structure has the “logical form” of a double bind.
Everyone’s original DB is the un-resolvable early childhood conflict between —> staying connected to or leaving the protection of the mother. It starts out psychologically, but later also becomes physical.

It’s a pull between attachment & safety vs separation & independence. Whichever the young child wishes for at any given moment, it will experience fear & a sense of loss.
It’s the need TO:
a. STAY under the mother-hen’s wings, for safety & warmth.
But if the child stays too long, it can’t develop the crucial S & I  of maturity. Symbiotic clinging will result in anxiety, because suppressing a legitimate need for autonomy creates a constant fear of completely losing one’s identity & freedom. The outcome would feel like ‘death’
AND ALSO 
b. a need to develop one’s own identity, which requires ‘LEAVING’ – but not too early in life! Total separation also causes traumatic anxiety – the terror of facing a vast alien world alone, unprepared & helpless. The outcome would be ‘death’

In healthy families, this dilemma gets (more-or-less) resolved for the child by being given a balance of loving availability & personal freedom. ⬇️ CHART for details = Great info, like how injury blocks consciousness….

RESULTS of the attachment-separation dilemma start in infancy. Once set in motion, they continue underground into adulthood, until hopefully brought to consciousness & resolved.
If not, as adults we’re vulnerable – via the WIC – to be manipulated by unscrupulous or unaware people who tap into the original DB.

💟 PROCESS in Childhood
1. Not able to decide on either unbearable alternative (be free vs. to stay), the infant’s MIND develops the Super-ego (SE), a judgmental voice of the Ego-Self that’s been captured by the BIND.
>> It then creates a second layer of psychic binds (bondage) – the demand to always ‘be good’.  If the child gives in to the ‘voice’, it’ll feel weak & enslaved, but if it rebels, it’s stung by guilt

2. To counter the power of the inner Judge (SE’s too-ethical perfectionist), the subliminal censor generates another voice, the ‘evil SE’ Rager, demanding that the Ego-Self throw off all social conventions & appropriate behavior.

In adults Rager might say: “Tell the boss to stuff it, have another drink, don’t pay your bills, cheat on your spouse….”. It viscious cycleenjoys the delicious feeling of power that comes from sticking it to the overbearing Judge…..  so the Rager scores.

3. BUT defiance scares the child’s id, worried about losing its connection to the only internal caretaker (SE) it knows, which would cause a collapse (death).
This leads to self-punishment, dictated by the Judge, such as isolation (from shame), sabotaging daily functioning & plans, physical suffering or injury, in trouble with authority…. so the Judge scores

4. The vicious cycle continues. To keep from crumbling, the Rager takes over again, & in adults it revels in antisocial / immature behavior, like missing work or avoiding other unwanted obligations (even sexual) – but also causes depression, migraines, being fired….
Score-points go to the Judge, who gets double points, as it enjoys punishing Rager with the pain it causes as punishment

🦠 But the Rager rescues / ‘soothes’ the Self with remedies, such as drugs that otherwise would not be allowed by the Judge…..mental games
— so the Ego-Self finally gets to score a point too – by numbing out.  Everyone ‘wins’, right??
BUT:“What does it benefit a man if he gains the whole world but looses his own soul?” Mark 8:36

COMMENT: This unconscious game is how most people function, wondering why they haven’t fulfilled their dreams or found happiness.  Unresolved, It can turn us into damaged Senders or Receivers, limiting the True Self which is mostly free of internal or external coercion
• We may say “I never play games, I like to be direct.” Unfortunately most of us DO (4 outlined on acoarecovery.com), but they’re so incorporated into our daily relationships & spread over a lifetime, we don’t recognize them.

NEXT: D.Binds (Part 3a)

Double BINDS / Basics (Part 1)

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DB sanke I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO – I’m all knotted up!

PREVIOUS:Double Messages (Part 8)


QUOTE: “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” ∼ Einstein

NOTE: This set of posts is a continuation of the Double Messages series. Please read or review those first.

🌀DOUBLE BINDS (DBs)
a. In the D.Messages posts, we looked at one side of this harmful transaction – mainly that of the Sender. All the basic components are the same for DBs, except for the crucial difference – the perspective of the Receiver (DMs, #2).

Eric Berne’s student Claude Steiner, in “Scripts People Live” showed how Senders & Receivers play an interactive game, each gaining points (Negative Benefits) – so the S is always in charge, while the R is always the victim & stays dependent (no S & I).   ➡️ IMAGE article re. DBs

b. The other side of the transaction is the Double Bind. One way the R gets hooked is when —
📣 they’re told specific words, while
👞 the accompanying actions or non-verbal reactions
🔕 directly contradict the  words that were said .
EXP: A mother screams at her child “I love you, and you’d better believe it or I’ll leave!”

• D. Binds are created by D. Messages as logic fails, Boolean questions** (in 3 parts) being asked in binary terms (in 2 parts). That doesn’t work.  A person is presented with a 3-way, no-win situation: You’re damned if you do / Damned if you don’t, and / Damned if you notice that you’re damned both ways

**Boolean Logic: the main operations are the conjunction ‘and’, shown as ∧, the disjunction ‘or’, shown as ∨, & the negation ‘not’, denoted by ¬ (More…), which correspond to the 3 major components of the DM. (DMs #3)

• Accepting or trying to deal with DMs leads to a great deal of angst, causing the R to think:
Re. Actions: “I must do them both, but I can’t, but I must, but I…. If I don’t then I’m really bad!” OR, in other cases
Re. Emotions: “I have to make sense of the 2 demands / expectations, but they don’t make sense, but I have to, but I can’t … I must be crazy!”
Since DMs are inherently irrational, they must NOT be honored, which then eliminates the D.Bind

🌀 TYPEs OF D.BINDs
CONFLICT : A struggle between equal but opposing forces (intentions). 
”Part of me wants to and part of me doesn’t.”
DILEMMA: A situation requiring a choice between 2 equally (un)desirable alternatives.  “I’m in trouble either way.”
IMPASSE: A situation where the intention to progress is stopped by a difficulty which can’t be overcome.  “I keep banging my head against a brick wall.”
PARADOX: A self-contradictory statement(s). 
”My head aches from trying to stop you giving me a headache.”  (More….)
Also see chart in DBs – Part 2

EMOTIONAL Bind patterns focus on giving you the illusory choice of how to feel. It’s less obviously harmful but still manipulative, & confusing:
a. Which chair would feel better, the soft one or the hard one?
b. Would you feel better if I ignored you or talked to you?
c. Which restaurant would you enjoy eating at, Olive Garden or Red Lobster?…..
>> The manipulation is the limiting of your physical & emotional choices.

Qs presented in binary form (either-or) eliminate the larger truth – that in reality you have several other possible options, like – MAYBE YOU :
a = would rather stand than sit, OR perhaps leave
b = are not interested in me either way, OR maybe prefer to talk later
c = don’t like Italian food OR chain restaurants, OR not hungry

NOTE: You’re not in a bind if you’re ‘allowed’ to speak up, object or offer a 3rd choice.
However, if you don’t go along with the other person’s suggestions, and they get angry, act hurt, plead, whine, make you feel guilty, threaten to leave…. you’re being offered a DB. Stick to your guns, don’t fall for it AND don’t feel bad!

NEXT: Double Binds (Part 2)

Double Messages – RESULTS (Part 8)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

 PREVIOUS: DMs – (Part 7b)

⬆️ “Learned Helplessness“ = Designed & Created by DMT,
Theme #39 : THERAPY

SITE: The Power of Vulnerability

BOOK : “Healing the Shame that Binds You”, John Bradshaw

OUTCOME of Double Messages (DM) – which cause Double Binds (DB)
HINT that we’re in a DB:
🌀Compulsively over-react to a DM communication, & are surprised by your behavior – like being in a trance – “I just wasn’t myself.”
✂️ AND the sender (S) blames us for the conflict that often results, BUT
❓ we can’t see how or why we caused it. We become frustrated, distrusting the sender, (“What DO you really mean / want?”), but distrust ourselves more (“What did I do wrong?”)

We don’t realize our reactions are normal & fit the situation. While we are in fact a temporary prisoner – we’re not the creator or cause, but is the very thing the S wants us (R) to believe.

BASIC RESULTS of DMs – we believe THAT:
1. I’m crazy – what’s really going on here?crazy/stuck
> Can’t decide what’s real – leading to ‘pathologies’
2. I’m at fault – I’m always causing problems in this relationship
> Can’t step out of the attachment to the significant other (S)
3. I’m stupid – can’t figure this out, no matter how hard I try.
> Can’t understand the META-communication (subtext & cues to get real meaning)
4. I’m stuck – whichever way I turn, I can’t move
> Can’t withdraw from the situation or see a way out

IN IT : DMs generate the excruciating feeling of SHAME 
Brené Brown (TED Talks reminds us that shame comes from the belief that our essence is bad – which means our needs – & therefore unworthy of acceptance & belonging.  The problem is that we still believe this as adults (Part 7b).

OUT of IT : To outgrow / escape the DM trap, we need Emotional Resilience.
• No matter how it got started, anyone caught in a DB suffers damage to their ego – i.e self esteem.
While various kinds of therapy are vital to healing, being able to bounce back from trauma & the resulting grief is also encouraged by supportive friends, family & images a spiritual community.

Shame separates us from those rich sources of help. It makes us distrust & judge ourself, disconnecting us from our intuitive wisdom. DMs make us doubt our sanity & basic value, so we hide parts or all of ourselves by withdrawing emotionally &/or physically from the very relationships that would nourish us.

• “Learned Helplessness” : In a classic study (U. of Penn, 1960s) animals were repeatedly hurt by an electric shock when trying to get out of a locked cage. After many attempts, the animals stopped making the effort.
Eventually the experimenters opened the cage door, left it open & turned off the shock grid, giving the animals a change to get out.
BUT, even seeing the door open did not induce them to make a dash for freedom – they’d ‘learned their lesson’ too well – unwilling to take the risk of being hurt again.

Turned-off child• Not Feeling: Children are naturally in touch with their emotions & intuition, so are more likely to resist & react to DMs – at first.
Eventually they have no choice but to submit. The emotional pull of the unspoken message (META-language) is stronger than what’s being said. They can ‘feel’ something is wrong, but don’t know why they keep getting into so much trouble with the controller.

> To survive emotional & mental torture, children have to ignore their own awareness. By compartmentalizing, they only focus on the S, hiding the awful reality from the conscious mind & trying to avoid punishment – which sadly is impossible.
This is then carried into adulthood as a deeply ingrained pattern of denial.

lazy or learned?• Having Feelings: Yet in spite of this defense, Rs do have strong emotions –  both loving & hating one’s captor / beloved. For adults, the confusion created by DMs leaves victims assuming they have no options, causing great anguish.
♣︎ Turned outward: it’s anger/ rage at the S, but left smoldering under the surface, becoming resentment & bitterness. It can also be directed at others we pick who are similar
♠︎ Turned inward: it’s S-H & despair – at oneself. Being in a no-win environment saps the will, & leaves us disconnected from self & others.

NEXT: Being CONFIDENT (Part 1)

Double MESSAGES – ACoAs (Part 7b)

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I CAN’T WIN for LOSING!
If I let go, I’ll be all alone! Wa-a-a-a

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & DM (#7a)

 

1. DM from Family

2. OUR inner D. Bind as a result
Once we have a working knowledge of this ‘game’ we can take a serious look at the D. Messages we give ourselves & how the repercussions permeate our whole life.

★ We rarely realize what we’re ‘saying’ to ourselves, or that it comes from the WIC (R = receiver) via the PP (S = sender).
EXP:
Belief A – It’s good to flirt (sexy, desirable, successful…) – AND
Belief B – It’s bad to flirt (slutty, superficial, manipulative…)
RESULT
— If I DO flirt I’m inundated with Self-hate (ACoAs’ main form of self-punishment, courtesy of the PP).  Flirting expresses my natural sexuality, but I can’t enjoy being seen as sexual because it shows that I’m ‘dirty’.

— If I DON’T flirt, I may: > ‘put off’ potentially positive relatiflirt or notonships
> miss out on -safe- attention, compliments, sex… (my right to have)
> be considered frigid, unfriendly, a snob…. (even tho’ I’m just scared!)
> miss opportunities to get legitimate favors, help & considerations by being charming (with boundaries)…

★ Another way we trap ourselves & frustrate others is being stuck in the ‘Complain —> Help offered —> Reject —> Complain’ syndrome.
• we go on & on about a problem to anyone who’ll listen, implying that we need help. (Of course we would never ask for it outright!) BUT
• when people offer possible solutions, we reject them all & continue complaining!

WHY: The suggestions may not fit our specific need, which is legitimate, but most often – we’re addicted to being unhappy (Victim), don’t feel worthy of being helped, or think there is no solution – for us.
Eric Berne calls it the “Why don’t you – Yes, But….”  Game
See post: “People should treat me better, but I won’t let them”

★ Most common Double Message we give OURSELVES
The 3-part hamster-wheel-thinking, even ACoAs in Recovery:
A: I’m stuacoa DB wheelck & in a lot of pain. I’m trying really hard to heal from my childhood, which I -sort of- know wasn’t so great. I read books, go to Meetings & therapy, Couple’s Counseling, seek alternative & spiritual healing …..
AND / BUT,
B. No matter how hard I try I’ll just never get any better. I’m always going to mess up, & get abandoned. I’ll never get the relationship I want, I don’t know how to love, I wouldn’t know a healthy person if they bit me!…..
It’s my fault because I’m just too slow, too dense, too stubborn, too damaged.
C. I can’t notice or object to or escape my self-imposed trap (WIC obeying the PP) !

Can you hear the D.Message, creating the D.Bind? 
• Position A. implies that you’ve been wounded AND can heal from it. You believe it’s actually possible to Recover because you did not start out defective – you were damaged by your early environment, so you’re willing to do the work at healing – as unfair as that is!
At the same time:
• Position B. blatantly asserts that your ‘f—ed-up-ness’ was not caused by anyone other than yourself. Didn’t your family love you, mean well & do the best they could? It was you who were born defective & therefore it’s hopeless to improve or outgrow your flaws & weaknesses. It’s just the way it is – everything is your own fault & it’s never going to change. You cause your own misery, but it’s what you deserve, so “why bother”.

You can’t have it both ways! Either you’re wounded & can repairingheal, or you’re defective & therefore intrinsically, irrevocably worthless.
a. If you were truly defective you’d be un-repairable. So why would you even try to work on yourself? Why go into Recovery? It would be dumb = futile, a waste of time & money
b. However –  If you are in fact wounded – by your upbringing – which you did cause! – then you can slowly outgrow / repair the damage.

BUT to do that you must give up the belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with your personality. It cannot be both A & B! With this conflict UNresolved, is it any wonder why we’re stuck?

BTW – some ACoAs try to cover up this dilemma by always being angry, distant & blaming everyone else for their problems, but the original DM  (Form #3) is always running in the background, like a computer virus.

NEXT: DMs – Results (Part 9)

Double MESSAGES – ACoAs (Part 7a)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

acoa DBs
I CAN’T BELIEVE
I’ve been so duped!

PREVIOUS: Double Messages, Part 6 




FACING OURSELVES
1. Many of us grew up drowning in Double Messages (DMs). Being raised in this kind of atmosphere this is how we connect with others, using this way of communicating in all relationships, especially the intimate ones. So if we’re serious about Personal Growth & taking responsibility for our patterns, it’s important to see how this all plays out

Childhood EXP: In many alcoholic families, where the addict (& most everyone else) is/are in total denial – if one of the kids has the nerve to complain about or object to the harmful effects of the drinking, the alcoholic (& others) will label them as THE problem, rather than the addiction, because that kid is disrupting the family’s fragile mobile (Post: B. Distortions, #1).
Then the whistle-blower child is forced into either being a co-dependent enabler, OR withdrawing & eventually leaving the family altogether. Either way – everyone loses.

Adult EXP: 2 clients who both attended 12-Step meetings were going to the same psychologist – separately. At some point they started dating.
> Sarah didn’t tell the therapist right away, but instead asked his opinion about seeing someone in the Program. The reply was that it waDM angry clients not a great idea, especially in the first year of attendance. Sarah finally came out with the whole story but concluded: “I get it, you just don’t want me to date Chuck!”

> After a few weeks Sarah complained in session about all the problems with Chuck. She said in angry accusation: “So why didn’t you warn be against seeing him? Aren’t you supposed to be helping me?”

>> AND there was the DM: The therapist was bad for “preventing” and bad for “not preventing”.
However, he didn’t get caught, but pointed out the Double Bind she had created so she wouldn’t have to own her decision or deal with the stress of two WICs trying to have an adult relationship!
PS: the 2 clients did marry AND eventually divorced.

REVIEW / REMINDER : Parental DM – forced on the Hero, the Introvert or the Sensitive child : 
A. Incompetence – Be dysfunctional, like us (misery loves company)
• parents (& later our PP) want us to be their carbon copy : fearful, self-hating, stuck, not risking, depressed, powerless, OR controlling, angry, limited, paranoid ….
• and they spend a lot of time putting us down, pounding into us all the things we can NOT do, & how lazy, weak, wrong, selfish & over-sensitive we are
BUT ALSO:
B. Competence : Be confusuion cornerfunctional, like we wish we were (so you can take care of us)
•  we must make them feel safe, not feel abandoned, fix them, be their parent
• and, have to be : > perfect, strong, gutsy, able to take risks – for them
> have backbone, fight for them, save them from themselves
> be smart, capable, clever, & use all our knowledge (for THEM)
AND
C. Be in Denial (the way we are)
They won’t tolerate questioning or objections to how they’re treating us, insisting that we’re ungrateful, making things up, being defiant, ‘difficult’, spoiled….
“I never said that!  ,  How dare you speak to me that way?!  , Stop complaining, after all I’ve sacrificed for you!…. ”   DENY, deny, deny what we’re doing to you.

★ This DM forms the basis of our own DB – next post

OUR PAIN: They were our first role models. What kind of example did they set? Kids absorb & imitate their parents, regardless. We imprint on them like ducklings! Yet what left for us is fear & confusion.

• If they were capable of **truly loving us, they would have wanted us to be happy, free & successful – for ourself.  So obviously they didn’t / couldn’t love us – not really!
No matter how much we don’t want to hear that, the WIC knows!

Just because they say/said “I love you” doesn’t mean they do – except in some narcissistic way. Remember, if you had been truly loved, you could have ‘normal’ human insecurities, but NO self-hate!

NOTE ** Healthy parental love is expressed in many ways, but most of all by being Nurturing. Children can only develop self-esteem if they feel truly loved. And that can only happen if parents have the capacity to be loving, kind, supportive, rational, available, sober….  not just give it lip service.

NEXT: ACoAs & Self DBs, Part 8b

Double MESSAGES – Forms (Part 6)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

DBs & WomenTHERE ARE SO MANY
different way to get trapped!

PREVIOUS: DMs Part 6 –  Styles

SITEs:  Double Bind: Escaping Contradictory Demands of Manhood Rodney L. Cooper, Ph.D.,

☼ Double-Bind Dilemma for Women in Leadership

PURPOSE of D.Messages is to D.BIND another
1. From Manipulation to ‘evil‘
bounda. to keep you symbiotically tied to the Sender, unable to escape – preventing your autonomy & personal growth (S & I), because of their unconscious Fear of Abandonment (FoA)
b. for power & from greed – to sell products, ideology or a way of life
c. for total control, a compulsion to always be ‘one-up’, forcing others into a weaker position
d. to mess with someone’s head out of resentment, jealousy, revenge….

2. Not malicious, but just as controlling:sweet/sour
a. to not hurt someone’s feelings, by not saying what you really feel or think (‘I act like I want to be with you, but I really don’t, but I can’t say it’)
b. cowardice – fear of setting boundaries or having confrontations
c. social or religious training – must always be polite or ‘spiritual’
FORMS
DMs are disorienting by design so you can’t prove what the S is really doing. That way they never have to admit culpability – nor change!
So, we must understand that the problem is not you, only the Sender’s twisted ‘frame’ – how info is presented. (see Part 3)
If you got caught up in this game, whichever side you try to ‘obey’ – you’ll always pay a painful price for ‘winning’ the WRONG one.

FORM 1, a ➖ with a  ➖: Presented by the S as 2 negative injunctions (warnings or commands) that always cancel each other out.
neg/neg DMsBOTH must be obeyed, AND whichever one is ignored is punished :
A: Do NOT do ___ or you’ll really ”get it” (not allowed),  AND
B: You HAVE TO do ___, or I’ll punish you (you must)

A: I’ll hurt you badly if you stay = so leave & save yourself – AND
B: Everyone always hurts me, I’m used to it = so stay & save me

FORM 2, a ➕ with a  ➖ : More often, Message A can sound like a positive about something, while Message B is a negative about the same thing.
A: I love it when you play the piano (so I can brag/show you off) – AND
B: I hate it when you play the piano (you get too much attention)

A: I want to be with you because of you’re so wonderful (perfect) – AND
B: I’m angry at you for not being everything I want/need (not perfect)

FORM 3Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 11.43.30 PM, a ➖ with a  ➕ : In reverse – Message A is hostile & B is ‘friendly’.
ACoAs: A familiar set-up for us by an abusive, drunk &/or mentally ill parent, who needed to:
A. keep you insecure, scared, feeling stupid & confused, even crazy, by constantly belittling & disapproving: “You’ll never amount to anything, you never do anything right, no one will ever love you, you’re lazy, ugly, stupid…”

These were said to INSURE you would never feel good enough about yourself to leave the symbiotic connection, to always be available to take care of them, one way or another

While at the SAME TIME they:
B. manipulate you (demand, cajole, whine, complement, attack) into being highly capable for them: figuring out how to do all kinds of complicated, intelligent, creative things to solve their problems, (and not just when they’re old!)
– their nurse, therapist, lawyer, accountant, companion, manager, cook, housekeeper…..
– as long as you never used any of it for your own benefit. And so you didn’t, & still don’t!all tied up

☻ Talk about crazy-making! In other words – the parent says:
A = “You’re stupid & incompetent – for yourself,  and
B = “You’re clever & capable – for me”

ACoAs are addicted to this cruel DM which put us in a D. Bind, & now we perpetuate it in self-destructive ways, finding many other relationships to play it out. The problem isn’t just that we run into Ss, like our family – it’s that we stay.

NEXT: DMs – Part 7, Re. ACoAs

Double MESSAGES – Styles (Part 5)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

DMS all tied up

THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS

I can mess with your mind!            

PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 4b

See ACRONYM page for  abbrev.

 

NOTE: Do not confuse DMs with changing your mind, or ‘going back on your word’ : “I said I would, but now I can’t. Sorry.”. It can anger or disappoint someone, but it is not presenting them with 2 contradictory statements or command, which the person must try to make sense of & ‘honor’ EXP:  “I love you, I hate you /  Be good,  be bad / Help me, don’t help me”…. at the same time.

VERBAL AMBIGUITY is also not a form of DMs, which are single statements having 2 or more possible meanings – perplexing, sometimes leading to mistakes & embarrassment, but not usually harmful. EXPs:
> “I saw John with binoculars.”  Who had the glasses – me or John?
> Consider “The HORTA” episode from the original Star Trek, when Cpt. Kirk finally encounters the rock-creature mother reacting to crewmen smashing her eggs, & she etches on the wall in acid: “NO KILL I”.
> Or the alien cookbook “To Serve Man” in the 1962 Twilight Zone episode

STYLES of Double Messages (DMs)
1. Two opposite VERBAL declarations, sometimes together, often at different times which makes it much hard to catch.  EXP:DM re. alls
A – Sam says to Jane:  “Let’s get together. Call me anytime” (I need to connect – I’m lonely).
SO Jane calls, but no answer. She tries a day later & he answers, but is curt.

She tries again in a week & he gets angry:
B – “Why are you calling so much?” (I feel suffocated by you neediness / pushiness).
MESSAGE: You’re a commodity AND a nuisance! (Come here/go away)

EXP : The computer HAL in “2001: A Space Odyssey” was programmed with a D. Message, forcing him into a D. Bind :
A – “Always process information accurately” (never lie) – AND
B – “Keep the true purpose of the mission a secret from your fellow crew members” (in this case – you must lie)
OUTCOME = a ‘mental break’, leading to the only solution HAL could come up with – murder the crew.

2. A hostile communication (verbal abuse) WITH an endearment
sweet covers sourEXP: “Don’t be so stupid, darling / My dear, you’re a pathetic moron /
I hate you, don’t leave me! / Baby, you know I can’t live without you! Why do you always let me down?”

3. One verbal WITH one physical (tone of voice, facial expression, body position or style of interaction…). What is said doesn’t match how it’s said
EXP: • Your brother says you’re really smart, but with a smirk
• Someone says “Your hair looks great” with a frown
• A co-worker looks angry & stiff, but says: “I’m fine, nothing’s wrong”
• A wife spends less & less time at home, but says: “I’m not avoiding you”
• A husband says: “Of course I love you”, in a flat tone & looks away

4. Both non-verbal : Bateson’s famous EXP – a hug given stiffly = OSTENSIBLY an act of affection AND/BUT with emotional distance. Note the legs on the stiff-hugger – not quite ‘in’.
It leaves the recipient wondering – Which is it, are you happy to see me or not?

5. Verbal ‘encouragement’ inside a negating event
EXPs: “Of course I want you to get better”, as the husband hands his newly recovering alcoholic wife a beer
• Boss to new bank MBA employee: “Here’s a important project to cut your teeth on. Lets see how good you are”.
BUT unknown to the young man – the ‘project’ is an unsolvable accounting mess specifically designed to fail.

PS: Only an ACoA would drive themselves crazy actually trying to work it out – afraid to look dumb & get fired!
★ Unlike young Lt. James T. Kirk, who solved the ‘unsolvable’ Kobayashi Maru dilemma – by changing the rules – one legitimately way to deal with DBs!

CHART : Typical DB relationship between a co-dependent & a narcissist.
PINK wants a ‘one-way symbiosis’ without being vulnerable.
GREEN needs to have boundaries, but is willing to forgo them in order to keep the relationship, no matter how harmful.  MORE…)
NOTE that here the healthy win-win options are not used – ‘whited out’ .
Screen Shot 2014-02-09 at 8.00.17 PMNEXT: DMs (Part 6)

Double MESSAGES – Mind Games (Part 4a)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confused turtle THEY’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY
but I can’t figure out what’s wrong

PREVIOUS: DMs Part 4

REVIEW posts:‘Emotional abuse’  and ‘Toxic family Rules’

 

REVIEW: Double Messages (DMs) are manipulative forms of verbal & emotional abuse – always about control rather than love, no matter what someone tells you. DMs are not usually blatant or presented directly, but often come in the form of seduction or as accusation. They’re structured so that the Receiver is deliberately conned into believe there’s no solution, & so no escape from the trap. We can also play this game with ourselves, & ACoAs often do.

✦ In most cases, Receivers who are vulnerable to Senders’ DMs are not likely to know a way to side-step or challenge the game, because they are:
• children, who are -of course- dependent on their caretakers & don’t stand a chance when subjected to a manipulative parent
• oblivious: any adult raised by such a parent, therefore pre-conditioned

•‘normal’ people who are too idealistic & naive, assuming no one would wish them harm (like themselves), especially if the S starts out by being ‘so nice & helpful’
• adults conditioned by their society, religion &/or family to accept whatever an ‘authority’ tells them, without question — not allowed to think for themselves, or to think clearly, no matter how natively intelligent

SPEAKING OF GAMES (see Part 3), these 2 posts are a slight digression from the topic of DMs & DBs, but so striking that it’s worth including. The following examples may or may not be a part of some DBs, but they’re cruel, the same way DBs are. This is by fall inot DBno means complete, so add your own family’s dysfunctional games as you become aware of them.

DEF of GAMES, from Eric Berne’s “Games People Play“:
“A pre-set, structured series of social transactions, superficially plausible but with (selfish or destructive) hidden motives, leading to a well-defined predictable outcome.”
Games are usually dysfunctional, subconscious programs created by the Little Professor ego state (& scroll down), to gather ‘strokes’ not allowed directly – negative ways to emotionally feed the Self. As far as the WIC is concerned, even negative strokes are better than none at all

NOTE: Some games are for fun & generally harmless, like a flirting ritual used to cajole someone into bed – as long as both people understand the rules & agree to the outcome.

HARMFUL mind GAMES – article by Brenda Nelson, 2008.
These are examples of abusive emotional TRICKS played by parents on their children, and on each other! They insure not being able to form strong family bonds, generating a lack of trust in the children, who will NOT look back on them fondly.

🦨 When You’re Older / Maybe for Your Birthday / Wait ‘til Christmas
This game starts any time a child asks for something (a doll, a bike, a trip, a car…. ) which the parent has no intention of providing. While sometimes asking a child to wait is legitimate, most often it’s just a cowardly & dishonest way for a parent to avoid saying ‘NO’ outright.
What unhealthy adults don’t realize is that children will always hear these phrases as a promise : “Yes, but later”.
What’s really going on is that the parent hopes the child will forget, but of course they don’t – they just wait. What children also never forget is the broken promise, but which is in fact being lied to & conned

🦨 Your Mother / Father Said
When parent A tells parent B to make the child to do something, & makes B be the messenger: “Your mother said you have to clean your room  pronto / Your father wants you to mow the lawn, right now……”. This is chickening out by both adults, a triangulation (A should have told the child him/herself), and
B can make A seem like the bully (bad cop), while staying the ‘nice’ one (good cop).

NEXT:  Styles of DMs, Part 4b

Double MESSAGES – Procedure (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

talk / no
PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 2

BOOK: “Double Bind: The Foundation of the communicational approach to the family.” 1976, Gregory Bateson


HOW it WORKs (R = Receiver / S = Sender)
1. The D. Messages (DMs) <—> D. Binds (DBs) game is with 2 or more – a victim & someone the victim experiences as their ‘superior’.

a. When the DB is from government, media, religion…..  for it to be effective – the target audience must be willing to ignore logical reasoning, want to be ‘taken care of’, & assumes the authority is benevolent (which the Ss always say they are), so that the Rs accept whatever is being promoted

b. On a one-to-one basis, Rs must be involved in an intense, personal & deeply needed relationship, where they feel it’s absolutely vital to clearly & accurately understand what the S wants / needs of them, in order to respond appropriately (keep the connection)

2. The game is a repeated experience, not a single event.
The R is therefore trapped with a S who continually gives two different ‘orders of message’, each of which cancels the other one out
> Yet both ‘rules’ must be obeyed. Punishment is always a possibility, & can be : the cold-shoulder, withdrawal of affection, physical abuse, verbal attacks (hate & anger), physical neglect or outright abandonment…..
SET UP:
a. Primary Injunction is imposed on the victim:
> “Learn all your lessons, or I’ll punish you” – AND
> “Don’t act smart, or I’ll punish you”

b. Secondary Injunction, which conflicts with the first, is at a more abstract level, & doesn’t have to be spoken
EXP: “You must do X (because I asked), but only because you want to (please me)”

c. Tertiary injunction – often added to prevent escape. R registers the second-level demands hinted at by posture & tone, also enforced by indirect threats to Rs’ survival OR actual punishment.
They are META-messages = DO NOT:
overruled🔻 notice or comment on the discrepancy between how I present myself or my claim to be a good person AND the many ways I continually neglect or abuse you
🔻 question my intentions NOR the unfairness of this situation
🔻 object or try to evade my threats & punishments
🔻 try to get away from or out of the bind I’ve put you in

EXP: Out loud, Mother says “I love you,” but body language (stiffness if hugged) says, “I don’t love you.”  The boy responds by withdrawing. She then blames him for causing a ‘rupture’ in their relationship. He can’t win! When often repeated:
INTERNALLY
= he learns to distrust his experience & thoughts, forced into a psychological split – the conviction that she’s all-good (believing her words) & he’s all-bad for withdrawing (S-H, based on her subliminal message + her accusation)
EXTERNALLY
= it’s hard for him to communicate effectively, nor understand what other people really mean or believe what they say

THEN: Once the META-messages become ingrained, the smallest signal will trigger the pre-set response from a R (like Pavlov’s dog), who will go to great lengths to be ‘good’ & not make the S angry.

The R may beg & cry, promising to do better or to do something ‘grand’ but impossible – like being perfect all the time. They dramatically change how they act, trying different styles of behavior, to see which will work to satisfy the perpetrator (S).

• The R may eventually withdraw, stop functioning at all or try to commit suicide, implying: “You disapprove of me the way I am. Maybe you’ll finally be satisfied when I’m dead!”
Actually, in very dysfunctional families, that’s one of the literal or hidden statements some parents make: “Why did I have to have a kid like you? I never wanted kids in the first place. You’ll be the death of me yet.”……

UNFORTUNATELY, none of the R’s tactics will ever make any difference. The game is rigged – designed for the R to fail but to keep trying. No wonder so many ACoAs think they’re mentally imbalanced, AND wish they were dead!

♥ About ACoAs: DMs, Part 8a & b

NEXT: DMs – Purpose (Part 4)

Double MESSAGES – Senders / Receivers (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-09-21 at 12.03.59 PM
I CAN MAKE YOU DO
what ever I want!               

PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 1

SITE: “Double Bind Theory: Still crazy-making
after all these years”

SENDERS (Ss) are adults with some type of ‘power status’ in a relationship, the one-up position, assumed or legitimate, FROM:
• Parent to child
• Boss to worker
• Male to female
• Teacher to student
• Dominant to subordinate lover / spouse / friend
• Mother-in-Law to son’s wife
• Cop to perp, Politician to The People….

✦ While most Ss are not conscious of what they’re doing, there are some who deliberately use this tactic to capture others : savvy business people, clever criminals, some religions, & those trained in high-powered sales, advertising, the military, media & government.
Confronting these Ss is either impossible or dangerous, so it’s best to avoid them when we can.

✦ Double Messages (DM) are a favorite way abusers control their victims (Receivers – Rs). Yet Senders False Selfrarely know they’re being ruled by a false self. Nor would they admit that they’re desperately lonely, even when not alone, yet terrified of genuine intimacy, & prone to creating drama wherever they are

• The much-used defense against their anxiety & vulnerability is to have as much power & control as possible, a life-long struggle for dominance – which can only provide a false sense of security.

• The S’s armor is the absolute conviction that all their actions are ‘for the good of others’ – so they’re never in the wrong! To maintain this self-created illusion they rely on blaming & shaming others.
This deflects any responsibility for their emotions or actions, making it clear that everyone else is ‘bad’ – except them, of course. Their private logic says that -naturally- anyone who opposes them is ‘against what is good’, & thus ‘deserves whatever they get’, justifying the S’s cruelty.

RECEIVERS (Rs)
DM ReceiverIn this destructive Game (see Part 3) the Receiver is anyone who gets caught – Senders can only get away with the psychological/ emotional mess they try to create if someone is vulnerable to this type of communication.

Being the Dominant One in every situation is definitely in the S’s mind, although the intended ‘target’ does not usually agree, which including those who may not be able to overtly stand up to the S, such as workers who need to keep their job.

IMP: In any social interaction, whoever reacts less has more power, explained in detail in “The Givers & the Takers”.
Reacting is an expression of investment or compliance – which humans only do with people & things we value. Rs are by definition reactors, so are automatically in the one-down position, always wanting to ‘please’, even if the other person is a complete stranger.

This is obvious with co-dependent ACoAs who have been conditioned to be afraid of displeasing anyone, consciously or not.
One can understand giving in to a loved one, but what kind of investment would an ACoA have in a stranger?
Well, the WIC is terrified of abandonment & needs everyone to accept & approve of it, no matter who it is, or whatever the personal cost. Although not everyone we deal with will take advantage, this fear automatically makes us fair game for manipulators.

✦ So no matter how smart, educated, creative, thoughtful Rs are, by reacting they fall into the S’s frame by slanting the communication, who is then in control (Framing in DBs, Part 2)

EXP: At a pick-up place a guy wants to get lucky, so he approaches a pretty girl: “You know what? I have an instinct about you – a part of you is very sweet & innocent, and a part is a real pain-in-the-ass trouble maker. I bet I’m going to bring out the devil in you!” She not only shyly agrees to both versions, but is flattered & titillated, which = being seduced.

Because the girl reacts (positively) to the frame he has set up, the guy now has the power, therefore the higher value, therefore he ‘wins’.  Boy 1 – Double-Binded Girl 0!

♥ About ACoAs: DMs, Part 7a & b

NEXT: DMs, #3