PREVIOUS : COVERT Ns, #2

SITEs: “Narcissistic Abuse & Financial Abuse” (extensive)

• “Money: They still want to make you pay. Literally” (re. Ex-spouse) Scroll down

• The Narcissist & Money Control

👫 Men, Women & Money – How the Sexes Differ With Their Finances 

NARCs LOVE MONEY, of course! They love any resource that gives them power & control , & money is a major tool for that

NOTE: Most of the literature focuses on how male Ns use $$ to harm their mates & family. However, Financial Abuse covers much more ground than sexual relationships. Interestingly, there are a number of ways an N can MIS-use $$, depending on their TYPE .

There’s the N WHO: 
a. has accumulated or inherited money, & uses it to ‘keep’ another person (either gender)

b. has little or no money of their own, & won’t earn their own way, so they find someone else to support them

c. as a parent – will be more ‘generous’ to a favored child who knows how to stroke the N’s ego
Or who spends all their time & money on one sibling, while ignoring or actively belittling another (the scapegoat)

d. is the spouse or ex (usually male) with a good enough income they can dictate how much is spent on the family, usually to their detriment.
WHO :
e. has money but hoards or hides all of it, so they force a partner to pay more than their share of the bills.
This can also show up as the ‘friend / boyfriend’ who never seems to have their wallet with them when you’re out together

f. promises their adult-children, other relatives or long-term aids a large inheritance after their death, to keep (at least) one at their beck & call. Sadly, that victim may not get the money in the end

g. does spend money on a child, both young & later when grown, as a substitute for any form of emotional connection (paying them off)

h. throws money around in public to look grand & generous, but is stingy with their own family. This can be in the form of big donations to religious institutions or charities, OR showering it on buddies, bosses, clients, animals….
WHO :
i. acts like they care about their spouse but is constantly lying about how much money they have (sooo little) so they can’t help out right now. They promise to do better soon, but never come up with the dough they owe

j. compulsively uses their parent or spouse’s bank account, to over-spend on expensive clothes, jewelry, plastic surgery, gurus, trips…. OR drugs, without agreement or permission

k. steals their aged parent(s) SS checks
l. refuses to pay child support, ever
m. spends all their mate’s bank account – or empties it – as punishment for not getting their own way, OR possibly for truly being mistreated

n. uses every legal & illegal means to hide money & assets – before a divorce – so the spouse is left with little or nothing

NEXT : What Narcs NEED you to BE #1

PREVIOUS: COVERT Narcissism (Part 1)

Audible BOOK (11 hrs) :”Trapped in the Mirror – Adult-children of Ns….” ∼ Elan Golomb

C-Ns = covert narcs

COVERT SPECIFICS (cont) 
❥ Overts are terrified of being alone – an exaggeration of the Extrovert side of the MBTI E-I continuum.

◽️Coverts are much more comfortable being alone, a general preference for Introverts. However with C-Ns, this can be taken to an extreme. Combining self-hate (S-H), weak boundaries, fear of abandonment (FoA), fear of commitment (FoC) & fear of responsibility (FoR) make it easier for Cs to isolate – to the point of emotional & psychological starvation.

❥ Cs are more likely to suffer from depression, both from a history of being abused, & lacking even a small support system. Being less communicative than Extroverts (even secretive) many Cs lead double lives, which can turn them paranoid – having a lot to hide, like being orderly at work but messy in their home.

Their introversion can become warped by the severity of N traits, forcing them deeper into silence, & over time into abject misery – since it gets harder & harder to gather enough ‘supply’ to keep the False Self (FS) from collapsing.
In that case, the FS – which needs fuel to survive – turns in on itself, devouring whatever’s left inside. So, to survive, they use extremes of pity-ploys or people-pleasing to get the strokes that will keep them going.

The FS is one of several possible defensive identities, chosen in childhood to cope with a neglectful & abusive family life – a version of themselves they hope will be more acceptable to others – but at a great cost. As they grow up, they’ll defend the FS like it is a life-or-death issue, since It’s all they have.

They become totally invested in making sure everyone else accepts & admires the FS, taking great pains to hide the ‘Real’ one. Like Overts, they too are afraid to dig behind their defense walls to liberate the True Self, which is buried deep, along with any true empathy for others.

❥ Another version of Coverts are the Wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Many C-Ns seem gentle & humble. Some like to portray themselves as empathy itself, angels in human form – dedicated to the path of ‘enlightenment’. They can reel you in by appealing to your caring & empathy, & their lack of obvious arrogance can unfortunately numb your fears & suspicion.

These C-Ns will compulsively rescue everyone, perform many good deeds & help charity organizations…., thriving on feedback from their community that will say: “You’re such a kind person!” However, behind closed doors they can be tyrants.

Wolves disguise their true intentions. THEY:
1. live to take power, instead of empowering others
2. will charm you first, to give the impression they care
3. seem sweet on the outside, but eventually bare their teeth
4. manipulate through emotions to get what they want
5. tell ‘stories’ that are full of holes (Explanations…)

NEXT: Ns financial abuse

PREVIOUS: Overt Ns #3

⬅️ On CHART : Letters A, B, C, D represent people with varying degrees of N damage – who are closer or further away from a Healthy Self. They function in the real world, but their behavior alternates between the extremes of Rage & Awe, creating much internal turmoil, & constant drama in their relationships & at work.

Os or O-Ns = Overts or OVERT Ns (‘narc’ = narcissist)
Cs or C-Ns = Coverts or Covert Ns //  FS = False self 

Covert Ns can be hard to identify & even harder to expose. While Overt Ns idealize themselves, Cs invest their heart & soul into idealizing something outside of themselves, hoping they’ll get warm inside by basking in reflected glory. AND, It doesn’t only have to be a person, but also religion, ideology, political movements, charity organizations….

C-Ns tend to be shy, sensitive & insecure, but Os & Cs share the same core personality traits. EXP: The difference is like listening to a song on full blast or very low. The song remains the same, only the volume changes.

IMP: The “covert” aspect of N is not about hiding abuse or being slyly manipulative, which are common to all types of Ns.
IT IS about the fact that C-Ns are by nature more toward the Introvert end of the MBTI  E-I scale, which masks their underlying grandiosity.

If someone seems shy but still manages to suck all the air out of the room, you’re probably in the presence of an introverted N. Their partners know that there’s nothing covert about how arrogant, withholding & argumentative Cs can be.
EXP: Someone who jumps on everything you say, “What did you mean by that?”
OR who often goes into bitter rants about all the ways they’re being mistreated by everyone….

What Cs & Os have in common (intro- & extra- verts)
✴︎ They too crave importance, thirsting for admiration, but will look different to observers. They might give back-handed compliments, or purposefully minimize their accomplishments & talents so people will reassure them about how talented they are

✴︎ They cling to feeling special, but with low self-esteem the grandiosity takes a different form. Cs fantasize about their greatness more than advertise it. Some Cs imagine themselves a misunderstood or undiscovered genius, a long-suffering victim (troubled teens can raise this to high art), the most sensitive person in the room, or the biggest piece of s–t!

THEY ARE:
✴︎ hyper-sensitive: reacting to slights & criticism, apt to attack “enemies” in a flash
✴︎ manipulative : which is by definition Sneaky. Loud Os or quiet Cs, they’re equally crafty
✴︎ not self-reflective, unwilling to uncover their motivations & feelings
✴︎ very abusive – mentally, emotionally & verbally, sometimes physically
THEY:
✴︎ use narc-speak / ‘word salad’, convoluted & deliberately confusing talk
✴︎ struggle to recognize needs & feelings of others, unless those relate to themself
✴︎ lack object-constancy, seeing things in B & W
EXP: When angry at you (unaware of feeling abandoned), they forget all the good things about you, & suddenly you’re all bad

✴︎ use gaslighting, triangulation & other mind games
– Overts are in your face with it – they like you knowing they ‘gotch-ya’
– Coverts fool you by making you think they’re loyal & faithful – while sneaking around. They’re more dangerous & damaging because you don’t see them coming.

COVERT SPECIFIC
1. Overt-Ns are often ambitious, successful go-getters, full of charm & energy
‣ but many COVERTS are marked by failed ambitions, chronic feeling of emptiness, & low functioning. When supply-depleated, they can sink into hopeless apathy

2. Overts can be identified by how they tell everyone how amazing they are, bragging about abilities & achievements
‣ but COVERTS are known to present themselves as weak & needy victims, & then run that ‘game’ as bait to reel in supply

❥ They’re often referred to as ‘Vulnerable Ns”. But there’s actually nothing vulnerable about them. That’s the problem.
If they could be emotionally open & vulnerable, they would be able to form secure attachments, which is what helps prevent people from becoming NPDs in the first place.

True vulnerability means taking genuine emotional risks & openly turning to others for support – rather than endlessly complaining.

NEXT: Covert Ns – #2

PREVIOUS: Overt Ns toward others – #1

SITE:  ☻ 10 Signs of a toxic person

Re. Treating OTHERS cont – THEY (Ns) :
◆ are self-righteous
N assume their point of view is inherently superior to other people’s. And what they truly value is the attention they get for their ideas.

EXP:  a N may actually believe he/she has a closer connection to God than everyone else, but what’s more important to them is that others believe the N has this ‘connection’ & admires their ‘deep’ spirituality

◆ don’t actually listen
Ns really don’t care about what you have to say, so they don’t ask how you are or what’s going on in your life.
But even if they happen to, out of politeness-training, they don’t actually let you say more than a word or two before they just start going on about themselves again

◆ are good at stonewalling
Ns are the ‘best’ at ignoring requests that don’t fit their agenda. They’ll refuse to : compromise, collaborate, negotiate a conflict in good faith refuse to : listen to another’s point of view with an open mind, support another’s plans, nor openly discuss their own motivations.
Another version – simply ignoring a person, refusing to acknowledge their existence

◆ don’t give compliments, unless….
Ns want to be admired. They’re not interested in making others feel good about themselves. That’s not their job in life. You’re ‘lucky’ if you do get a compliment, which should make you suspicious about their motive. Don’t assume it’s sincere. However, if a N is trying to sexually seduce someone, they’ll gush about how wonderful the potential mark is, but only until they’ve ‘won’.

◆ over-rate their attractiveness
According to one study, Ns are generally rated as more stylish & physically attractive. However, this isn’t always the case.

According to another study (2008), Ns rated themselves highly in both looks & intelligence, but their IQ tests proved to just be average. When their peers were asked to rate their N friends on looks, the results were lower than what the Ns gave themselves.

◆ don’t pick unattractive friends (usually)
This applies mainly to Extrovert Ns, who are in business, entertainment, politics…. anywhere they’re visible. Since they only do what benefits them, picking who they surround themselves with is important. Those have to be attractive & “upper-class” people who enhance their prestige, making them feel superior & invincible.

However, there are plenty of  ‘vulnerable’ Ns who hide behind false modesty, do-gooding, caretaking…. in which case they need to be the only one who’s attractive, reenforcing their sense of superiority.

Younger N men & women have different styles. Women choose male friends with high social status so they can feel worthwhile. Guys choose bros who are willing to be their ‘wingman’ when trying to pick up girls

◆ are serial romantics
The “seductive” Ns fall in & out of ‘love’ quickly & easily, often with someone they don’t know very well. They think their partner is absolutely perfect – a match to their own perfection. When reality sets in they realize their partner is flawed, which often ends the relationship

◆ cheat in relationships
Psychologists’ research found that narcissists are more likely to cheat – once they think their partners are committed. They tend to use more sexually explicit language in every-day conversation, & seem to get a charge out of convincing others to engage in promiscuous sexual acts they wouldn’t normally participate in. (MORE….)

◆ don’t incorporate security into relationships
Ns want to keep you off balance, to never feel secure in the relationship. Your anxiety & fear of losing them makes them feel important.
AND Triangulation is a favorite tactic:

1. Stirring up jealousy = constantly look at / commenting about attractive strangers, or talking about about an ex….
2. Division = talking trash about your friends, & doing the same with them about you
3. Recruitment = calling in reinforcements to be on their side when the 2 of you are fighting
4. Cruel break-up styles = such as telling others how bad you are & getting them to agree. (MORE….)

◆ don’t stick around
If you’re staring to bore them in any relationship, expect a N to pack up & leave. They want your full attention, which includes only talking about & doing what interest them, & keeping them entertained. Otherwise – they’re on to the next person who will.

NEXT : Who Ns are attracted to (#1)

PREVIOUS: ACoAs as Ns – Growth goals

SITE:  Ns at WORK – 30 red flags

NOTE: Outsiders often ask a complaining N-victim: “Why do you put up with such bad behavior? If it were me, I’d have left right away.”

ANS: N. abuse is GRADUAL, increasing ever so slowly – so the victim won’t catch on too soon & escape. Ns need their target to ‘accept’ abuse as part of their daily routine, so they’ll get used to being treated with insensitivity & disrespect.

Re. Treating OTHERS – THEY (Ns):
◆ don’t see others as equals
Ns believe they are the top of the world & so look down on everyone else. They can secretly admit someone may be their ‘better’ only so they can drain them (career, financial gain….), but then have to use all their manipulative skills to hide the conviction of their superiority.

If you’re an ‘average ‘Joe/Jane’ – in their eyes – & try to associate yourself with them as an equal, they’ll do anything in their power to bring you down – where they assume you belong

◆ think everyone else is stupid
Many Ns are know-it-alls, so have a hard time getting along with coworkers & friends. They refuse to believe they could possibly be wrong about anything, & have a “my way or the highway” approach to decision-making

◆  but – put some people on pedestals
For Ns, everything has to be perfect, but secretly know they’re not. So they look to absorb it from others they idealize.

N-logic says: “If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their wonderfulness will rub off on me, & then I’ll become perfect too.”
With that fantasy in mind, Ns cozy up to a colleague or crush they decide is perfect, but get royally disappointed when that person doesn’t live up to the image they created

◆ like to put other people down
Ns intentionally put others down so they can keep a high positive image of themselves. Being admire is like a drug for narcissists. In the long run it’s tough to keep being supplied when others won’t applaud them. So they have to keep searching for new acquaintances in order to get the next fix – which causes unstable relationships

◆ don’t feel the need to be polite
At the best of times a N’s sense of superiority allows them to feel exempt from the rules of society, common courtesy being one.
Ns know that antisocial behavior isn’t acceptable, but are just fine with acting inappropriately because they constantly feel they’ve been wronged.

One study indicated that subjects with a high N-score are argumentative & curse more than their less reactive counterparts. They often take offense when it’s not intended, leading others to exclaim in confusion : “That’s not what I meant!”
However, don’t ever disrespect them – no matter how tempting. They’ll definitely not forgive or forget – ever! & will look to be revenged, however long it may take

◆ love telling others what to do
Ns typically enjoy leadership positions so they can dominate others to fulfill their need for constant positive reinforcement. And they expect others to go along with their every single plan & idea, unquestioned.
N leaders have either ‘dark’ or ‘bright’ leadership qualities, the latter more visible at first.  However, since Ns also have negative inter-personal features, they’re likely to abusing their power, with harmful consequences for the organization

◆ are a ’bad sport’
Overt Ns are bullies, & one of their most troublesome traits is generally being a sore loser and a sore winner.
EXP: In sports, when they lose, they might try to humiliate the referee. When they win, they might gloat or abuse the loser

◆ are shape-shifters
Ns are actors playing a role – called narcissistic masks – the chameleon who changes their ‘persona’, based on who they’re with.

The role chosen is a hook, used to pretend they’re just like you. If you like country music so will they, if you have a dog, they do too….or in different groups, they pretend to be exactly what that group is looking for, so they can fit in. But there’s always a crack in the image of total togetherness, because they can’t keep it up. It was a lie from the start.

NEXT: Ns – re. Others #2

PREVIOUS : Identifying the N (Part 2) 

Re. THEMSELVES (Ns) cont. — THEY:
◆ don’t show their ‘true’ (damaged) self
Ns are manipulative, so of course they won’t be themselves when you first meet. They lure you into believing they’re an OK ‘normal’ person, maybe even sweet & kind. You won’t find out the truth until much later – when it’s too late because you’re already hooked.

◆ don’t like losing control
Ns can’t stand to be at the mercy of other people’s preferences, which remind them they’re not invulnerable or completely independent. EXP: They may have to ask for what they want, & even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request.

When Ns are not in the driver’s seat in all situation, with everyone –  they get extremely anxious &/or angry – but won’t want to show it, because that would also be losing control!
Having everything be the way they want – without consideration for others – gives them a sense of security, knowing others will give in

◆ don’t do anything they don’t want to, OR that doesn’t benefit them
They can do helpful, useful things for others, but t’s not from generosity. It will only be something they actually like to do & nothing more. If it happens to be good for you too – that’s lucky, because anything else will be ignored.
EXPs:
✘ If an important object, emotion or need you have does not make sense to them, they’ll ignore it or blatantly put it down, no matter how much it means to you
✘ Ns don’t do anything without benefitting themselves. Whatever ‘kindness’ they do for you – they’re already calculating what they’ll get in return. You won’t know what they’re going to want until they call in a very big favor, out of proportion to what they did.
So, automatically giving a N whatever they want is NOT a good idea.

◆ don’t take orders
Don’t try to order a N around (not that it’s OK to do to anyone). But Ns are especially touchy about their importance & high value, so trying to be in charge of them or take control away from them will put a big dent in their self-esteem. It shouldn’t be surprising to later find they’re out for revenge, directly or subtly

◆ won’t let anyone prove them wrong
Ns will argue that black is white until you start agreeing. This is one of the biggest negatives from being around them for too long. Arguing with them is a waste of time & effort, because they have their ‘reasons’ all figured out. Some even believe that they’re spouting.

The clever ones can sound very ‘logical’ & therefore convincing. BUT each premise is always flawed in some subtle way.
Others just repeat their crazy thinking (illogical, contradictory, untenable….).  Unless you’re very clear (“I know what I know”), you may start doubting your own beliefs & actual experiences, because they sound soooo convinced of their position.

◆ never allow you to see them as the bad guy / gal
Ns can never tolerate seeing themselves as the ‘bad one’, so have to make sure you don’t either. No matter the reality of a situation – of their making or just life – the blame for something being ‘off’ will ultimately fall on you, which can easily have make you feel like a terrible person. But getting you to feel bad about yourself is exactly what they want. That way they ‘win’.

◆constantly feel under-appreciated
Their grandiose attitude means they always have a grievance against the world. Because they feel entitled to something better, Ns are convinced they’re not getting the recognition they deserve, & can become bitter & cynical  

◆ If not outwardly grandiose ….
“Covert N”, is the softer – BUT not milder – form, expressed in being anxious, defensive, hypersensitive & withdrawn, as opposed to the blatant hyper-aggressive, super-loud Trump type.
Both share a common core of arrogance, conceit, & giving in to their own needs while disregard others, just in a different style.

Extrapolated from “The Narcissist You Know.” by psychologist  Joseph Burgo, Ph.D.

NEXT : Overt Ns – toward others (#1)

PREVIOUS :
Overt Ns – themselves (#1)

POST: Passive-aggressive COMMENTS  (long list)

All Narcissists (Ns) are developmentally stunted. Many are secretly mired in self-loathing, & under their bravado lurks humiliation, insecurity, shame & extreme vulnerability.
To protect their deeply wounded core, early on they spun a cocoon around their heart & mind – a dense outer shell of false power with the goal of never being hurt – again! (Think inside Daleks)

*️⃣ However, there are some Ns who are absolutely sure they’re unassailable. There is no inner conflict, because they’re sure of their ‘rightness’. (Think Cyberman)

SAM VAKNIN, an Israeli writer & scientist, speculates that these Ns are not hiding a vulnerable core but are constitutionally defective, & therefore not curable. There’re no way to crack that wall (think Tony Soprano) & any attempt at getting them to understand their psychopathy ends in failure.

Perhaps they’re born missing a fundamental aspect of humanity – the ability to empathize with another. All of their socially acceptable interactions are therefore a complicated & clever imitation of what they observe in ‘normals’. This ability is used to keep others connected in order to ‘feed’ off of them.

Vaknin developed a new treatment dubbed “Cold Therapy”, which uses re-traumatization & reframing. It’s based on identifying pathological narcissism as a form of Complex PTSD & arrested personality development.

MAIN CAUSE: A parent who both ignored & ‘adored’ them
According to Freud, a combination of parental rejection & excessive admiration is strongly linked to adult N. The caregiver‘s inconsistent whiplash of indiscriminate praise alternating with coldness & rejection  – eventually cause the child to exist in a perpetual state of insecurity. This coalesces into a deep craving for admiration, but with a distrust of any praise received, leading to a life of searching for fleeting ego boosts from others, which fall into a bottomless pit.

This accounts for the paradox noted by psychologist Robert Emmons (1984):  Ns simultaneously devalue others while needing their admiration. German psychologist Mitja D. Back ‘solved’ the paradox:
Ns pick people who help to keep their high positive self-image going, while intentionally avoiding or putting down anyone who would give them a harsh dose of reality.

For all Ns, their mantra (blatant or subtle) is CONTROL! CONTROL!
I must be in CONTROL of everything!

Re. THEMSELVES (Ns) — THEY:
◆ don’t like to admit having emotions
N or not, everyone has emotions (except psychopaths). They have feelings for themselves (anger when snubbed, pleasure when pampered….), but not toward others, & will proudly say: “I’m not sensitive!”. EXACTLY

Letting any emotion show makes Ns vulnerable – it means someone or something can effect them, which challenges their sense of total autonomy, therefore being out of control. They’ll abruptly change the topic when someone tries to engage them in talking about emotions : “So, what about this weather / the game / this food…??”.

Ironically – they believe their every emotion is deeply important & valid, AND that everyone else is ‘over-reacting’ when they express feelings – which the N considers obscene

◆ don’t have emotional empathy
Through the use of cognitive empathy (in their head), they spent their entire lives observing the emotional language of other people & using it to their advantage.
Ns can recognize & react to the suffering of others, but ignore it. They can withhold an empathic response (comment or action) –
to control a partner, creating attachment anxiety =. abandonment fear
to get something by manipulation, or
to gain power, by exploiting an awareness of someone’s emotional state.

Their secret is that they’re not actually feeling with you – your emotions are a blank wall to them. This allows them to say & do horrible things to others without genuine remorse.(EMPATHY & types)
Your secret : If you talk only using facts instead of emotion words, they intuitively understand they have less of an upper hand!

No sympathy: Ns are the ones who laugh while everyone else cries at sad movies. They can fake ‘caring’, but aren’t actually interested in your emotions, even if you just went through a recent illness, divorce or death of parent / beloved pet…. They’re sooo tired of hearing about your troubles, even though you’ve barely mentioned them!
(Sympathy: Feel for you / Empathy – feel with you)

NEXT: Overt  Ns, re. themselves (#2)

PREVIOUS : AFFIRMATIONS

POST: Secretly Angry “Nice” People
(Intro-b)

BOOK: “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free” ∼  Julie L. Hall (Review)

IMPORTANT : Too many images represent narcissists as “loving themselves”, which is totally inaccurate!
There’s no actual love involved. That would be emotionally mature self-esteem, which they do not have.

INSTEAD – the reality is that their whole focus is on themselves – what they believe, want / need, how they want things done, how things should be (their way – only)….. Other people are supposed to agree & comply with the N, otherwise they’re simply wrong & of no value.

NOTE: Narcissists come in several styles : overtly controlling (aggressive), passive-aggressive, manipulative-victim, co-dependent, charming-arrogant…., all who are truly unavailable & harmful
AND
in varying degrees of self-centered reactions, from classic NPD-ness, which never improves —-> to garden variety (every-day) small-n narcissistic attitudes / comments / reactions, which can be annoying but not as toxic – & with a lot of attention can be diminished.

CLASSIC / OVERT
🔻ARROGANCE = If a N feels low, they may ‘re-inflate’ their sagging ego by degrading & diminishing someone else.
Ns:
– assume only their point of view is legitimate & true
– act superior, controlling & can’t relax
– often act differently in public (good) than in private (bad)
– lie, distort facts & redefine events to suit their own agenda
– are emotionally distant & unavailable, until they want something

🔻BAD BOUNDARIES = Ns don’t get it that others are separate being rather than extensions of themselves. If someone is a supplier, they’re automatically part of the N’s ‘self’ & are expected to continue being that.
Ns:
– assume others are – or should be – a carbon copy of themselves
– do not treat other people’s homes & things with respect or as private (open mail, closets, read texts, ask nosy Qs….)
– tell others about someone’s private conversation or troubles
– “What’s yours is mine, & what’s mine is nobody’s business” (Mom)

🔻ENTITLEMENT = Ns have an unrealistic expectations of automatic compliance from everyone – because they’re special. They:
– are irresponsible & unreliable, including with money
– always expect preferential treatment
– have trouble admitting being wrong or making mistakes
– believe there’s nothing wrong with them
– use their own ‘superiority’ to judge others negatively

🔻ENVY (between 2 people) / JEALOUSY (among 3 or more) = Many Ns – but not all – secretly or unconsciously feel inferior & powerless to get their needs met honestly & directly. So they belittle & try to undercut someone else’s success or prominence. 
Ns:
– react negatively to someone’s blessings or life improvements, barely responding, or ignore them completely
– tend to blame others for their own failures & lack of success
– may copy someone’s whole life (as if it were a compliment), & then make it seem like all their choices were their own idea
– take credit for someone else’s work

🔻EXPLOITATION = Ns use other people to be taken care in some way – so they don’t have to.
Ns :
– lack sympathy & empathy, especially for the underdog they use
– only contact a person when they need them for something
– over-work & underpay employees
– trigger emotions in others which they refuse to feel (anger, fear, hopelessness, helplessness…)
– regularly provoke others & then blame then for the resulting uproar

🔻MAGICAL THINKING = Using this CD, Ns have the delusion that they’re perfect, so they’re never responsible for the consequences of their harmful behavior.
Ns :
– act on their impulses, doing whatever they feel like in the moment
– are addicted to fantasy & exaggerations, which may include dreams of impossible success & fame. Also flirting, affairs & porn

🔻SHAMELESSNESS = Ns are often proudly, openly outrageous / obnoxious, not hampered by their effect on anyone else. Since they consider themselves perfect, their intensions must always be good, so they’re not concerned with the emotional needs & wishes of others.
Ns :
– are 2-faced, putting family & friends down behind their back
– seduce then abandon a mate
– interfere in other’s lives, as if needed or asked
– insist on “help” that’s totally inappropriate or unsuited to the recipient
– tell on themselves as if a comment or incident were humorous & perfectly normal, although their behavior was foolish, insensitive or cruel (“I’m a taker” / “You’re ugly”…..)

NEXT: Overt Ns (Part 2)

PREVIOUS : Kindness (Part 1)

SITE : KINDNESS website

On the other hand, being Kind means that the only thing on your mind – when you do something positive – is another person’s benefit & wellbeing, without needing payback.
NOTE: Being appreciated & thanked is legitimate, but should never be required, expected or demanded.

AND, being Kind doesn’t always feel ‘nice’.
EXP: If your close friend / mate / child has bad breath today, & you don’t tell them, you may think that’s being nice. But at some point they’ll find out & wonder why you, who they have usually felt safe with, didn’t tell them.

They will eventually get embarrassed at work or school – & be upset you didn’t consider their best interest or the consequences of your silence, which will hurt & may diminish their trust in you.

An Al-Anon quote is : “Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean”.
So, pointing out an ‘imperfection’ can be said helpfully, with Kindness, such as “Did you notice your breath is a bit stale this morning?” or offering a breath mint – even if this may be uncomfortable for some of us to do.
Unless the other person is emotionally immature & gets a resentment (from the WIC’s shame & self-hate), they’ll be grateful to be spared later social discomfort, & know that you care.

Kindness doesn’t get worn out, because it does not over-do & doesn’t require the constant effort of pretense.
BUT It also does not mean others can walk all over us, because it includes setting & clearly stating appropriate boundaries.

Kindness is OK with being a bit uncomfortable being around someone else’s ’embarrassing’ behavior, because it comes with it’s own self-esteem, so isn’t worried about having to look good all the time, in very situation (like Ns!) There’s “a time & a place” for that.

Being Nice is often the way we try to manipulate others & ‘handle’ the world around us. It’s wearing, & can make us cynical – because we’re often disappointed.

It takes so much effort to suppress strong opinions, ‘unacceptable’ emotions or thoughts, hoping we’ll say just the right thing to get people to like us.
So, at the end of a ‘being nive’ day you’re hurt & frustrated, obsessing about how no one gave you credit for all those nice things you did or kept yourself from doing.

Kindness gives up being controlling, but rather looks for ways to participate in other’s lives – finding appropriate opportunities to be helpful, & no more. Al-Anon says: “Take the action & let go of the result”.

Kindness is liberating. Instead of worrying about what people think of you, focus on being the best you possible today & enjoy what’s available.
Because you’re comfortable in your skin, others will realize you’re safe to be with, so they’ll be able to let their guard down a little. “One day at a time” is all we have, to just live & do our best.
(Posts : “Healthy Helping“)

NEXT : OVERT N – Overview