POST: Secretly Angry “Nice” People

BOOK: “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free∼  Julie L. Hall (Review)


: Too many images represent narcissists as “loving themselves”, which is totally inaccurate!
There’s no actual love involved. That would be emotionally mature self-esteem, which they do not have.

– the reality is that their whole focus is on themselves – what they believe, want / need, how they want things done, how things should be (their way – only)….. Other people are supposed to agree & comply with the N, otherwise they’re simply wrong & of no value.

NOTE: Narcissists come in several styles : overtly controlling (aggressive), passive-aggressive, manipulative-victim, co-dependent, charming-arrogant…., all who are truly unavailable & harmful
in varying degrees of self-centered reactions, from classic NPD-ness, which never improves —-> to garden variety (every-day) small-n narcissistic attitudes / comments / reactions, which can be annoying but not as toxic – & with a lot of attention can be diminished.

ARROGANCE = If a N feels low, they may ‘re-inflate’ their sagging ego by degrading & diminishing someone else.
– assume only their point of view is legitimate & true
– act superior, controlling & can’t relax
– often act differently in public (good) than in private (bad)
– lie, distort facts & redefine events to suit their own agenda
– are emotionally distant & unavailable, until they want something

🔻BAD BOUNDARIES = Ns don’t get it that others are separate being rather than extensions of themselves. If someone is a supplier, they’re automatically part of the N’s ‘self’ & are expected to continue being that.
– assume others are – or should be – a carbon copy of themselves
– do not treat other people’s homes & things with respect or as private (open mail, closets, read texts, ask nosy Qs….)
– tell others about someone’s private conversation or troubles
– “What’s yours is mine, & what’s mine is nobody’s business” (Mom)

🔻ENTITLEMENT = Ns have an unrealistic expectations of automatic compliance from everyone – because they’re special. They:
– are irresponsible & unreliable, including with money
– always expect preferential treatment
– have trouble admitting being wrong or making mistakes
– believe there’s nothing wrong with them
– use their own ‘superiority’ to judge others negatively

🔻ENVY (between 2 people) / JEALOUSY (among 3 or more) = Many Ns – but not all – secretly or unconsciously feel inferior & powerless to get their needs met honestly & directly. So they belittle & try to undercut someone else’s success or prominence. 
– react negatively to someone’s blessings or life improvements, barely responding, or ignore them completely
– tend to blame others for their own failures & lack of success
– may copy someone’s whole life (as if it were a compliment), & then make it seem like all their choices were their own idea
– take credit for someone else’s work

🔻EXPLOITATION = Ns use other people to be taken care in some way – so they don’t have to.
Ns :
– lack sympathy & empathy, especially for the underdog they use
– only contact a person when they need them for something
– over-work & underpay employees
– trigger emotions in others which they refuse to feel (anger, fear, hopelessness, helplessness…)
– regularly provoke others & then blame then for the resulting uproar

🔻MAGICAL THINKING = Using this CD, Ns have the delusion that they’re perfect, so they’re never responsible for the consequences of their harmful behavior.
Ns :
– act on their impulses, doing whatever they feel like in the moment
– are addicted to fantasy & exaggerations, which may include dreams of impossible success & fame. Also flirting, affairs & porn

🔻SHAMELESSNESS = Ns are often proudly, openly outrageous / obnoxious, not hampered by their effect on anyone else. Since they consider themselves perfect, their intensions must always be good, so they’re not concerned with the emotional needs & wishes of others.
Ns :
– are 2-faced, putting family & friends down behind their back
– seduce then abandon a mate
– interfere in other’s lives, as if needed or asked
– insist on “help” that’s totally inappropriate or unsuited to the recipient
– tell on themselves as if a comment or incident were humorous & perfectly normal, although their behavior was foolish, insensitive or cruel (“I’m a taker” / “You’re ugly”…..)

NEXT: Overt Ns (Part 2)

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