HURT YOU? BITE YOU?
I would never-r-r!

PREVIOUS: P-A #2

SITE  P-A BEHAVIOR in Relationships

NOTE:  Look for their red flags, using the lists from the posts: ‘Passive-aggressive Comments‘, Symptoms of P-A anger – in us, & the set below

IN relationship with a P-A
Because neurotics (‘Givers’) take on so much responsibility, they prevent P-As (‘Takers) from having to act differently, enabling the dysfunction to continue.
Character disordered people don’t consider changing – if at all – as long no one calls them on their behavior. But for that to happen everyone they deal with would have to recognize them for what they are, & react appropriately in the moment. Otherwise, they just continue to get away with assuming they’re always right.
EXP: Many women, in divorce court, have been humiliated & financially victimized by judges favoring clever & rich pathological spouses!

In the mean time, until pigs fly, anyone dealing with P-As (& other personality disorders) on a regular basis must firmly state reasonable expectations & stand firm on necessary limits. The ball always has to be tossed back into their court. It’s their responsibility to own up to & work on their issues, so the best you can do is make them accountable.

To start with, it’s important to recognize what’s going on so you don’t think you’re crazy. You may already think you are if you grew up with at least one P-A parent, or everyone in the family – denying how hurt & angry they were, but never acknowledging, much less having dealt with it. But it’s not you!
Because of that beginning, we may have picked up the P-A habit ourself, but more often we unconsciously choose work environments & personal relationships with P-As. To change that, notice overall patterns of behavior in the people around you, monitor your emotions & never ignore gut reactions.

EXP: You are likely to feel angry, confused, or powerless – when needing to get their cooperation or trying to be heard. But since you can’t have an honest, direct conversation with a P-A person, nothing ever gets resolved.
AND if you continually, compulsively surround yourself with P-As, review your own Fear of Intimacy, because P-As keep everyone at bay. They function from the False Self, preventing emotionally intimacy – without Recovery.
If we stay around them for too long we’re guaranteed to feel abandoned – because we are.

Some ways P-As express anger in Relationships:
MILD
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
‣ Always late/leaves early. Walks out on people. Bangs doors
▸ Deliberately sloppy
▸ Procrastinates – is deliberately slow &/or puts things off
▸ Refuses to do what is reasonably expected
▸ Refuses to listen. Pretends not to hear or see

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
▸ Acts forgetful. Keeps rehashing the past
▸ Twists the truth. Manipulative
▸ Uncooperative. Withdrawn

MODERATE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
➣Acts sick or helpless. Refuses to clean oneself or the home
➣ Impulsive – fails to plan ahead. Deliberately makes mistakes
➣ Often absenteeism at work
➣ Refuses to function as a responsible parent or spouse
➣ Works markedly below ability. Refuses to work regularly.

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
➣ Always negative. Withholds support, Distances self.
➣ Deliberately avoids or ignores someone they dislike
➣ Enjoys seeing people become upset. Is divisive
➣ Refuses to be responsible. Overly stubborn
➣ Refuses to praise or compliment
➣ Won’t communicate & gives Silent Treatment

SEVERE
ATTITUDE / BEHAVIOR
❁ Deliberately fails at work. Fails to pay bills.
❁ Fails to attend to the needs of the spouse or children
❁ Neglects the home, Refuses to eat
❁ Refuses to take care of a serious health problems

PSYCHOLOGICAL /EMOTIONAL
❁ Always in victim role. Avoids intimacy
❁ Deliberately acts to be sick or makes themselves sick
❁ Doesn’t receive love. Withholds love from a spouse
❁ Makes false accusations. Con-artist
❁ Undermines children’s trust/respect for spouse or other important relatives/friends

Dealing with a P-A is always frustrating & sometimes enraging, especially when it’s your spouse. One of the many problems is that they find it much easier to say what they don’t want than what they do .
Inside the P-A is a wounded child who isn’t safe enough to voice how it really feels – from fear of punishment, rejection, sarcasm, engulfment …. Their True Self has retreated, making it hard for the P-A to say what’s bothering them, so they expect others to read their mind! & provide unspoken, even unacknowledged needs.  And if you don’t, you will be punished – no matter how indirectly.
REMEMBER – their tactics are never about us! even tho’ it does have a very great impact on our interactions with them. 

NEXT :  SYMPTOMS – in us

WHATEVER I CAN GET AWAY WITH is OK with me!
PREVIOUS : Passive -Aggr #2

SITE:  Signs of a Covert Introvert Narcissist

1. P-A CATEGORIES (Part 2)

 2. Passice-aggressive (P-A) Manipulation TACTICS
It’s very important to be clear about covert fighting in order to avoid being victimized by any character (personality) disordered manipulator – in this case the P-A. A person’s habitual style of relating is dysfunctional or disturbed if it is:
• Defective – their sense of right & wrong is strikingly weak, immature, or missing
• Inflexible – they don’t willingly soften their responses or use alternative coping strategies
• Resistant – won’t modify their way of relating, even if those are negative or have dire consequence
• Severe – this is when their natural tendencies becomes so overbearing & intense that they go way beyond what their culture considers ‘normal’. Sadly, our society actually encourages & rewards many manipulative behaviors.  (MORE….)

Neurotics have a very powerful, over-developed conscience (superego), with an intense sense of right & wrong. They often set themselves standards that are difficult – if not impossible – to meet, judging themselves harshly when they don’t feel they’ve done enough.

On the other hand, the disordered character’s conscience (little voice that guides most people to do what’s ‘right’) is severely underdeveloped & impaired, & in the worst cases, is absent altogether. This makes it easy for them to hurt people often & severely – without considering the other’s feelings.
And if they do hear that inner voice, they can easily silence it, so they don’t have a reason to “push” themselves to take responsibility. They are shallow, lack empathy & exploit, use & abuse others, often without a second thought. (Narc characteristics)

P-A ‘fighting’ style
SO – when you confront a character-impaired (P-A) person about something they’ve neglected or done wrong, they will fight dirty to divert attention from the real issue. People who either place themselves above (NPDs) or are at war with (P-As) the principles that build integrity into a person’s character (honesty, fairness, kindness, respect….), will use just about any behavior or tactic possible to manipulate. (MORE….)

They ‘sneak-fight’, doing 3 things at once:
1. Fight you for a position of advantage in your relationship (try to back you into a corner to get you to back-off or back-down)
2. Fight to maintain an undeserved positive image
3. Fight against accepting whatever action or principle they know you’d like them to accept
(EXP: that trust in relationships is based on being honest)

Unfortunately, when a P-A is tap-dancing to defend themself, as opposed to just fighting for their point of view, you’re bound to lose. This tells you the behaviors will inevitably recur, because they can’t do both at the same time – fight against a principle & accept it at the same time.  (MORE….)

The P-A CONFLICT CYCLE – see it coming & get out of the way!
Stage 1 – As they grow up, P-As come to believe that any direct expression of anger is dangerous & has to be avoided at all cost. They solve the dilemma of what to do with their anger by developing P-A behaviors

Stage 2 – A stressful situation triggers a P-A’s irrational thinking,  based on early life experiences.
EXP: A teacher asks a student to pass out a worksheet, but instead of feeling honored by being able to help, they’ll be resentful because the request triggers a family history of always being told to do things without ever being appreciated for it

Stage 3 – The P-A denies their anger, which leads to projecting it onto others, making up ‘stories’ & feeling resentful, even paranoid
Stage 4 – P-As actively display their denied anger, using one or more tactics listed in the post “Symptoms of P-A Anger – in us” 

Stage 5 – Reactions of others, which are usually negative. This is often what the P-A is hoping for, as it relieves an inner tension, & makes others the ‘bad guy’. Those reactions only reinforces the negative behavior, continuing the cycle.
The rest of the article offers ways to identify P-A behaviors & how to overcome them

NEXT: P-A ‘Nice People”‘, #4

IT’S GOOD TO KNOW
I have lots of options

PREVIOUS: ADULT forgiveness, #7b

SITEs: An artist’s COMMITMENT to life
• Forgive Yourself to Heal  – an abuse survivor’s journey

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 7c. FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS
1. LETTING GO of old patterns AND
2. GIVING UP torturing ourselves

LETTING GO means ACCEPTING.….(7b)

GROWTH starts with accepting Al-Anon’s 3 As:
“I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.”
We can then let go of self-recrimination for anything, because that is not taking responsibility (scroll down). We need to correct distorted thinking, & stop blaming or attacking ourselves for what may or may not be inadequacies & deficiencies

❇️ Being responsible IS acknowledging something we’ve said, felt or done (or didn’t) – without adding “…..and therefore I’m bad.”

PROCESS
• Use these 18 Steps to process any Ts, Es or As you feel guilty about, as a way to take responsibility
• Write down what you’ve learned from any of the TOOLS (1-6) you’re in the process of using, & any actions you’ve taken to repair or make amends. Let this sink in. Appreciate yourself.

• Decide what if anything remains to be done – inside your own heart or out in the world – and then do it.
Let it sink in that you’re doing it, & appreciate yourself for this too.

• Consciously continue forgiving yourself when needed:
“I forgive myself today for ______ , knowing that even with self-defeating T.E.A.s I am a good person with the RIGHT to be valued & loved. I take responsibility for my life (but not for other adults) & do what I can to make things better.”

PRACTICE Self-Forgiveness. Give yourself the empathy you always craved as a child. (“Is self-love selfish?” 10 good Answers) (10 Scientific & Medical Reasons Why We Should Be Compassionate)

Every morning look in the mirror & say to yourself:
❣️ I love you Inner Child. I am grateful for another day
❣️ I am accountable for my Adult decisions & actions today
❣️ I forgive me for anything that was not forgiven last night
❣️ I love you. Lets have a great day!

And each evening, look & say:
💜 I love you. I’m sorry for anything left undone today
💜 I’m sorry for any fearful decisions & actions today
💜 I forgive myself, & am grateful for total forgiveness
💜 I accept & enjoy ALL my blessings. I love you. Sleep well. (MORE…..)

NOTE: Compassion is wired in from birth  because it’s good for us & for humanity. Both animals & humans have what Dr. Keltner at U of C Berkeley, coined as “compassionate instinct.” It’s a natural, automatic response that has ensured our survival.

• But as ACoAs we know it can be cruelly suppressed by family & community! AND used by sick adults to make us ‘take care’ of’ them so they didn’t have to be responsible for themself.

Other suggestions for healing
Putting time & caring into each activity reinforces the determination to outgrow co-dep & re-connect with your Natural Compassion.
REPEAT often!
• Write a letter to your WIC listing all the things you’re ‘letting go‘ of on his/her behalf
• Build a visual bridge – from here to where you want to be

• Write a positive 3rd person story or poem as the narrator, about how the main character (you) is freeing themself of guilt & shame
• Create a tangible expression of old painful experiences AND of your fondest wishes, using :
– sand tray art, with suggested ideas for adults
– a collage, drawings or junk sculptures (Google images) to express emotions

• Make a memory bracelet or necklace with a colored bead or charm for every time you have already forgiven yourself, & add one when you do so from now on (w/ memory wire)

• Do something physical you enjoy – to release anger & hurt (run, bike, dance, t’ai chi, yoga, swim…..)
• Use Trauma Release work on unfinished business:
= Several methods – scroll down // About the Pain Body  // Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises // Dealing with Recent or Childhood Trauma

►  The benefits of letting go & acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to outgrow our damage – by releasing the rage at ourselves & at our abusers.
NOTE: For daily clearing, see STEP 10 – 3 posts

NEXT: Outgrowing, #8a

I HAVE A LOT OF WORK
ahead of me!

PREVIOUS: Outgrow co-dep (#6b)

SITE : “How is Forgiveness Possible?“- a philosophical essay, complex & interesting

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”(cont.)
TOOL 5a & b = FORGIVING OTHERS
TOOL 6a & b = Healing CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s

TOOL 7a = FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS – is to:
1. LET GO of old patterns (As), harsh judgements & pointless comparisons (Ts) (“Letting go means….“), AND to:
2. GIVE UP torturing ourselves for all the ways we’ve messed up (T.E.As)

IN ADULTHOOD
The many ways we have hurt ourself & other people has been the result of our specific personality‘s reactions to a very unhealthy upbringing. To outgrow co-dep it’s crucial to accept that, like everyone else, our dysfunction was a predictable outcome of our childhood experiences. We need to identify our ‘character defects’ in the light of our early training – instead of assuming they represent our basic self.

ACoA 4th Step: “We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them” (Posts: Family Inventory // Their attitudes).
Co-dependent fake-niceness tries to hide our angry disappointment at not being loved & cared for by our family.
So we’re horrified at the suggestion that we might have  turned into a version of them. “NOT ME! I’ll never let myself drink too much, yell at & beat my mate & kids, lay around like a queen bee, be so controlling, be unfair, be poor, throw things, cheat, gamble, lie, pretend everything’s fine when it’s not…

AND YET, maybe only on the inside, we’re just as judgemental about others, hard on ourselves, afraid & insecure, fake, skeptical or naive, afraid of intimacy …. as them. And we don’t want anyone to know, not even ourself.
Yes, our long-term self-defeating behaviors are indeed aspects of our parents, incorporated into & modified by the WIC. But when we accept that, then self-blame can be stopped by self-forgiveness, both for all the things that were out of our control, & all the things we’ve done compulsively (unconsciously) from damage.

We can start with the inventory of our beliefs, fears, resentments, interaction with others…. and this includes all our positive qualities, skills & experience. This is not an easy task. Many of us find it difficult to identify our good qualities because of rotten mirroring, much less our ‘wrongs’, which we’re too proud to admit, or too ashamed.
Use the: ACoA 12 steps, & Laundry List Workbooks

As adults we are responsible for our actions, so now we have the option to make changes that will improve our life. It helps to separate our T.E.A.s. correctly, into:
❇️ moral faults : based on our personal value system, things we feel shame, guilt & remorse about, which need a suitable amount of repair or penalty
✦ weaknesses : things that would make our life better if corrected, but don’t deserve punishment
• normal human activities & feelings which are not wrong or bad & are NOT to be judged at all

It will benefit us most if we identify these 3 groups with a compassionate heart. Then we can decide what to keep & what to work on outgrowing. Our Time-Line Inventory will show recurring patterns.

ACoA Step 5 : “We admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment.”
Once we have our personal ‘wounded’ list (Step 4), & share it with H.P., a sponsor, therapist &/or wise friend…. we have a blueprint to work from – for ourself & in relation to others in our life.

NOTE that it doesn’t say ‘our defects’, because that label leads ACoAs to think they represent our ‘core badness’. Instead,
Abandonment leads to —> Self-hate, which leads to —-> acting out woundedness, which are expressions of the False Self.

🌈 ACoA Steps 6-9  help to give us courage to face the daunting & terrifying task of this inventory, as we absorb & apply them. READ: Realistic Recovery

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness (#7a)