PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Resilience #2

SITE: Resilience in mental health
(psychology + neuro-biology)

QUOTE: “Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain.”
˜ Emil Dorian, Romanian poet & physician

❖ PROTECTION (cont)

Internal QUALITIES that BUILD Resilience
1. Competence = being skilled at practical & creative activities
2. Creativity = expresses oneself thru artistic activities, by imagination & creative thinking or other processes (new theories, scientific studies….)

3. Flexibility = can adjust to change, bend when necessary, & positively cope with situations
4. Humor = good sense of humor, can still laugh in difficult situations
5. Independence = can distance oneself from unhealthy people & situations. Has autonomy, able to get one’s own way when appropriate

6. Inner directedness = (locus of control) basing choices & decisions from personal evaluation – appropriate for oneself & the circumstances
7. Life skills = includes making good decisions, being assertive, having good impulse control
8. Love of learning = shows capacity for & interest in gathering a variety of info

9. Perceptiveness = has insight into & understanding of people & situations
10. Perseverance = keeps on in spite of difficulties, doesn’t give up
11. Positive view of personal future = is realistically optimistic, expects to achieve goal & dreams

12. Relationships = is sociable, able to form & maintain positive relationships & be a good friend
13. Self-motivation = actions come from internal initiative & positive self-motivation
14. Self-worth = has self-esteem & self-confidence

15. Service = helps others, but does not rescue or over-do
16. Spirituality = has personal faith in something greater than oneself
SOURCEs: Resiliency Workbook… & Resiliency in Action ~ Nan Henderson

When things are tough, we have 3 options:
1. We can ignore trouble & hope it goes away – by sticking our head in the sand, but with our butt exposed. Anyone who does that is vulnerable to being kicked from behind – when they least expect it! -OR-
2. We can face it head on & find a constructive way to deal with the situation – if at all possible. If something doesn’t work, we improve our strategy, & keep trying -OR-
3. When faced with impossible situations (getting an addict or co-dep into recovery, healing a terminal illness, getting our parent’s love & approval…. ), the only option left is to let go, turn it over to a Higher Power, & focus on improving our own life.

❖ POSITIVITY RATIO
For resilience to flourish, there has to be a balance of positive & negative experiences in our daily life. Research suggests that we regularly need at least a 3-to-1 ratio of ➕ to ➖ experiences – to deal with life’s ‘crap’, but especially to be optimally productive & to enjoy things. Our personal R-ratio identifies how well we can bounce back from disappointments, injury or failure. (from: “POSITIVITY“)

This means that : for every situation that causes us aggravating or heart-hurtful emotions, we need 3 or more heartfelt positive events that are encouraging & feel good. So – if you experience 5 painful things today, you’ll need 15 healing ones to counter them! Less than that – for too long – makes for misery. Prolonged stress or trauma has many negative effects, including depression, PTSD, medical illness & substance abuse.

⚠️ Built-in survival mechanisms in the brain make it naturally wired to pay more attention to negative events than positive ones.
🔆 For ACoAs who’ve lived mostly with bad ones – we need to up the ante – consistently adding many more positives to our life. A key to building R. comes from noticing, valuing & accepting good things whenever & wherever they occur. (balance CHARTS ↗)

Positive stokes can be big or little
• They can come from a hug, cuddling with kids, animals, & maybe a mate? 😍
• From a fun interaction with a friend, a smile or generous word from a stranger, being in a 12-Step meeting, or watching a TED talk
• An unexpected smile or gift, someone helping you carry groceries, or helping with the dishes, reading a great book or having a small dinner party…..
• It can also include someone listening to your troubles with empathy & understanding.

⛩ It’s anything you don’t have to earn or pay for, anything that warms you inside – even a little – or gives you a lift!

SITE: ‘Daily Good News that Inspires’ – many links

NEXT: Resilience #3

PREVIOUS: Resilience #2

SITE: “7 of Everything – Qualities of the Soul” 

ACoAs: As you read through all these lists of Resiliency characteristics & the background needed to provide them in the first place,
PLEASE remember to not use them to be discouraged or cause S-H.
Instead, let them be a road map to guide your growth.
The Recovery process gives us the opportunity to develop any that we’re weak in. We have survived, now let’s thrive!

RESILIENCE & TEMPERAMENT
A study with Australian family doctors examined the relationship between resilience (in R. & Traits) & personality, to identify the main qualities that promote or impair R. in relation to 7 characteristics.
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Researchers started from the idea that R. is a process influenced by each person’s combination of personal traits & their environment.
They found that Resilience is —
• • •  strongly associated with a high level of Self-directedness & low level Harm Avoidance
• • moderately correlated with high Persistence & high Cooperativeness
• not significantly correlated with Novelty Seeking, Reward Dependence & Self-Transcendence

IMP: The 2 most prominent beneficial traits are the complete opposite of how most ACoAs live. We function from:
🔺 High Harm-avoidance, spending much of our time & effort trying to avoid anything that could potentially cause an abandonment in any one of PMES ways – which includes suppressing our own emotions & needs
IRONY – we are also attracted to relationships which are harmful!
🔻 Low Self-directedness, which fuels our co-dependence, rather than being our own internal motivator.

PS : A recent study with a sample of Korean university students (Kim, Lee & Lee, 2013) examined the connection between Personality traits & Resilience. The most striking similarity to the Australian findings is that in both —> R. was strongly related to high Self-directedness, high Persistence, and low Harm Avoidance…..
And looking at male vs female differences, one surprise was that the Asian men in the sample were higher in Cooperativeness than the women, whereas in the West, it was the reverse. (CHART)
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Philosophical Questions
• Active vs Reactive : Do you mainly act from individual initiative OR usually from outside stimuli ?
• Freedom vs Determinism :  Do you have control over your own behavior OR  is it always caused by forces beyond your control?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Resilience #1

BOOK:  “Secrets of Resilient People: 50 Techniques to Be Strong (Teach Yourself)” ~ by John Lees

QUOTE: “More than education, than experience or training – a person’s level of resilience will determine who succeeds & who fails.”  ~ Dean Becker, CEO of Adaptive Learning Systems

❖ DANGER (Part 1)

❖ PROTECTION (cont)
Review from Part 1  – The 3 major protective environmental (external) factors needed to prevent young people from becoming so rigidly defensive that their heart & mind turns into dark ice:
1. Caring relationships (at least one)
2. High expectations (for success)
3. Opportunities to Participate & Contribute

Interestingly, Al-Anon provides all 3!
😂 1. Caring relationships: While Program is not a social club to find BFFs or mates, participants gain strength from the group as a whole, which has the emotional & spiritual power to heal.
It gives us a place to be heard & understood – perhaps for the first time. A place to get sane & helpful information without being forced to agree with anyone. A healthy commonality – so we no longer have to feel like outsiders. Sometimes even finding a kindred spirit we can be helped by & help another (sponsorship) .
Reminder: The Al-Anon Closing says “After a while, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you.”

🌴 2. High expectations – for success: This does not mean perfectionism or a demand to be something we’re not, nor what someone else wants us to be. It does mean that consistently going to meetings will allow us to uncover our own true opinions, emotions, talents & dreams – and permission to honor them!

🎁 3. Participate & Contribute : perhaps the most obvious – sharing in meetings, giving qualifications, holding service positions, making phone calls, sponsoring…..

Resiliency is about:
🔅 the amount of energy stored in one’s “inner battery” for use in the 4 areas (see Traits & Personal posts)
🔅 the degree or level of harmony, balance & stability within & between the areas

👍🏽 Core characteristics (Wagnild, 2009)
⭐︎ Equanimity = emotional balance, taking what comes in life with emotional awareness but without ‘losing it’
⭐︎ Existential separateness = the awareness that every person is unique (not-me), which allows a sense of boundaries, independence & freedom
⭐︎ Meaningfulness = knowing & accepting that each life has a purpose & is worth living
⭐︎ Perseverance = willingness to persist even in the face of adversity
⭐︎ Self-reliance = belief in oneself, depending on our own strengths & past successes to support decisions & actions
⭐︎ Well-being = physical safety, self-care & a comfortable environment

• RESILIENCE is much more than just a reactive skill-set to deal with discomfort & difficulties.
It’s an active process, the gradual development of personal qualities that enrich our lives, so we can deal with every circumstance in psychologically mature ways – being cooperative, responsible, optimistic & persevering.
Highly resilient (R.) people acknowledge distressing situations, learn from mistakes – if any – take the time to process & recover, & then get back in the game, without obsession, bitterness or despair.

Because gaining R. is dependent on individual, family & community elements, it can be reduced or wiped out by too many risk factors. Although a single one is not likely to undermine R., an intense accumulation can overwhelm anyone, but especially young people, who are still developing their identity. When piled up, it’s becomes much harder for a child to recover from traumatic events, & makes it likelier for them to develop a mental or substance use disorder.   (More… re Families)

Naturally, the reverse is also true. Resilience must have a safe, supportive environment to blossom. Originally in a healthy family, or later: 12-Step programs, good therapy, a welcoming church….. .
This is certainly true for individuals.
But what about the way under-privileged people, who’ve grown up with many harmful risk factors, rally to deal with trauma, such as war or natural disasters? They may still need a great deal of outside help, but the one thing that stands out in heart-warming stories is the banding together of a community to support each other in times of great distress, not just emotionally, but in practical, productive ways.
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NEXT: Resilience & Traits

PREVIOUS: MBTI – Introverts

SITE: From Stressed out to Resilient (for students)

See ACRONYM button for abbrev.

RESILIENCE (R.) is self-righting – the ability to handle losses, set-backs or disappointments & then to recover afterward, even if there’s some residual anger, fear or anxiety – BUT with grace, dignity & NO self-recrimination.

❖ DANGER
Review: As kids, ACoAs had to deal with constant trauma, tragedy & loss, which forced us to develop a variety of coping skills (defenses) that turned into unhealthy life-patterns as adults. They’d hardened into a block of grey, dirty ice – so thoroughly – that we’ve lost the connection to our funny, soft, easy, free child-self. Now we’re run mostly by our damaged Adapted child (WIC) who still listens to the PP-Introject, & sometimes the PP takes over & we sound just like ‘them’. UGH!

One such unhealthy pattern is rigidity – the inability to ‘go with the flow’, not handle change, especially unexpected ones, not able to see thing in shades of grey – only as B & W – not accept opposing viewpoints, not see others as separate being ….

Rigidity (mental & emotional stiffness) is a product of accumulated terror, & it’s team-mate is resentment (fear + anger) toward anyone who doesn’t provide our needs or wants.
It’s an unconscious determination to fight a losing battle with reality (denial), because to admit what we know about our alcoholic, narcissistic, co-dependent family feel too dangerous to our false sense of self-protection. Rigidity is a defense against feeling vulnerable – the Inner Child’s desperate way to hide its True Self from the onslaught of all the PMES abuses we suffered growing up.

❖ PROTECTION
Rigidity is the enemy of Resilience (R.), and resilience is imperative for going beyond survival – to living well. Resilience affects how we function every day – healthy ways of interacting & negotiating with ourselves, others & our world.
More than 50 years of research tells us that R. includes having optimism / hope, managing strong or difficult emotions, having a deep sense of safety, & needing a strong social support system. Most everyone, regardless of age or circumstance, has the capacity for resilience, which is built into the human spirit, & so can be tapped into.

Studies of at-risk youths, in different parts of the world, repeatedly identified 3 major protective environmental factors that can buffer or insulate children from the impact of adversity (poverty, family chaos, dangerous locations, illness or disabilities ….), & help to nourish personal strength.
These must have been provided during their early years from either family, school, community, or peer groups:
1. Caring relationships (at least one)
2. High expectations (for success)
3. Opportunities to Participate & Contribute
**  To effectively form a basis for resilience, these 3 need to be combined – & can come from any one of 4 environments ⬅️. (Truebridge & Benard)

ACoAs: These 3 protective benefits – from external sources – were hardly available to us growing up. While we are indeed survivors – intelligent, caring, clever, generous, resourceful….. most of our best qualities are used to benefit others (the addicts, the immature) BUT rarely for ourself!

✳ Along with food and shelter, children need love & trust, hope & autonomy. Along with a safe physical haven, they need safe relationships that provide friendships & commitment. They need loving support, self-confidence, & faith in themself & their world – all of which builds resilience (R.).

NOW – as adults, we need to wrap ourselves in the power of Resilience, by uncovering & strengthening the core characteristics we were born with, that when combined to make up our True Self . It’s the stable foundation we’ve always longed for & should have gotten as kids, based on knowing who we are, so life’s troubles don’t have to keep knocking us out for as long – like before.
That means that we need to turn those same gifts toward ourself, to heal the wounded child part.
*️⃣ Good news: R. is a process – not an inborn character trait.  It’s based on a concrete set of skills & behaviors, & so can be leaned.

NOTE for ACoAs: Identifying & developing our resilience-qualities is what Recovery is all about! To do that we have to S & I – slowly outgrowing our addictive attachment to our unhealthy upbringing.

NEXT: ACoAs & Resilience #2