PREVIOUS:
Lateness #2

SITE : LIST of 400 Values (click on each word)

Verb:  To Value = Process of identifying the merits of an entity or concept within a structured system
Noun:  The Value = result of that evaluation.

VALUES (social & moral principles) are the reasons people give for their attitudes & actions. They’re what we believe to be good or bad concepts, & therefore what should or should not be done, based on them. (See list…..➡️ )
EXP: Someone is considered an effective leader if they express ‘spiritual values‘ such as honesty, humility & integrity

Generally, we get along better with others on the basis of matching values, than on matching personality types.
👍🏽 Values are the markers by which we gauge personal development. Reasonably healthy people try to consistently align their actions with their values, which minimizes hypocrisy. So when they notice a discrepancy between the two, it can motivate them to make positive changes.

Whenever you’ve achieved big or small things that you’re pleased with, you can know it’s because you’ve lived up to 1 or more values that come from your core.
This skyrockets self-motivation, since you’re focused on what’s most meaningful to you. Building dreams & actions that way will prove how much you can accomplish.

CAUTION: If our accomplishments are motivated by someone else’s value(s) (parent, leader….), then the goals we pursue in life will also not be ours, whether positive or negative, whether they suit us or not. This will always leave us insecure & dissatisfied.

Note for ACoAs : In spite of the hypocrisy, lying & craziness of our childhood alcoholic household, most of us do have our own set of decent standards – part of the Healthy Inner Child – but we too often ignore or deny them for fear of disloyalty to the family & being cut off by them.

Remember, their damage has already caused them to abandon us – in many PMES ways. We just need to admit it & follow our own ethics.

10 Universal Values, in 4 Categories w/ 2 opposites
1. Conservation = motivation to preserve the status quo
vs. Openness = motivation to pursue newness
2. Self-enhancement = motivated by self-interest
vs. Self-trancendence = motivated to promote the welfare of others

◆ Achievement: Personal success through expressing competence according to legitimate social standards (suited to our personal type)
◆ Benevolence: Preserve & enhance the welfare of people who we’re often around (not P-P / Co-dep)

◆ Conformity:  Restrain actions, inclinations & impulses likely to upset or harm others or violate social expectations or norms (using the UNIT)
◆ Hedonism: Pleasure or sensuous gratification for oneself

◆ Power: Social status & prestige, legitimate control or dominance over people & resources (Healthy Responsibility)
◆ Security: Safety, harmony & stability of society, of relationships & self

◆ Self-direction: Independent thought & action – choosing, creating, exploring (emotional maturity)
◆ Stimulation: Excitement, novelty & life challenges

◆ Tradition: Respect, commitment & acceptance of the customs & ideas that one’s traditional culture or religion provide
◆ Universalism: Appreciation, protection, tolerance & understanding for the benefit of all people & nature  (MORE…. theories about these 10)

CHOOSE VALUES which are:
🌱 Consistent with your personal vision, mission & basic beliefs
🌱 Inspirational – they uplift & motivate to take on the day’s challenges, allowing you to fulfill your life’s purpose

🌱 Long lasting – needed to help develop your future, evolving as you mature but not following the latest fad
🌱 Meaningful & rewarding – express your True Self, therefore creating inner peacefulness

🌱 Provide guidance – help to make everyday decisions, especially with relationships
🌱 Unique – must ‘speak to you’, defining who you are & want to be. They must reflect your priorities & emphasize strengths while compensating for weaknesses.

Some Basic VALUES we already have, or can grow into (More….)

EXERCISE
Go thru the 400 words listed above, a little at a time, a few at a time. DO NOT let the WIC get overwhelmed!
Maybe pick a different ONE each day with your a.m. coffee, & just let it sit on the back burner to see if it fits you (or not), is like your family or not. Don’t push.

When you can, make 2 lists =
a. 5-10 values you already identify with & use
b. 5-10 you’d like to incorporate or enhance.  Change as needed.
If it helps, sub-divide them into PMES categories.
EXP: P = flexibility / M = curiosity / E = fearlessness / S = forgiveness
Once a week check to see how you’re enjoying the as, & if you’ve seen improvement on the bs of your Values lists. NO S-H allowed!

🤓 What each Enneagram Type VALUES most

NEXT: AFFIRMATIONS

PREVIOUS : Lateness #1

SITE : I Broke My Lifelong Habit of Chronic-Lateness and You Can Too  
(seen as addiction, like alcoholism)

VARIATION on Lateness Types – from Diana DeLonzor’s “Never Be Late Again” AND Robert Bateman‘s “The Complete Guide to Being on Time”

The Absent-minded Professor
These people are easily distracted. Some ‘flakiness’ is thought to have a genetic basis, & can range from full-blown attention deficit disorder (ADD) to simple absent-mindedness. It affects punctuality in 2 main areas:
– the ability to stay focused on a course of action
– the level of awareness one has to the needs & feelings of others

People who are easily distracted are also likely to have trouble with other attention-related matters – losing track of time, misplacing keys, forgetting appointments….

The Crisis Maker
These put all their effort into getting as much done in as little time as possible. They pack each day to the brim with activities, because when swamped, their self-worth goes up a notch.
They enjoy the rush of the last minute, the race to the finish line. They even believe they perform better under pressure, but it’s actually a risky & destructive strategy.

Crisis-makers are adrenalin junkie/s, with “magical thinking,” consistently under-estimating how long each task will take. So they don’t evaluate & then plan out how much they’ll be able to get done in a specific time period.

EXP: Because they hate “wasting” time, they try to time arrivals to the minute, often resulting in lateness. They typically fall into THOSE WHO:
– crave stimulation, feel life is more enjoyable when there’s excitement & urgency
– use rushing to relieve & distract themselves from feeling boredom or anxiety

The Defier 
These people see punctuality as a form of systemic oppression, so lateness is an act of rebellion, shaking their fist at all forms of structure.
They feel compelled to break the little everyday procedures that make life work smoothly. Rebellious tardiness comes in 3 basic flavors: Competing for power, Resisting authority or Needing to feel special & unique

The Dreamer
They’re similar to the absent-minded, but not from faulty brain chemistry. Rather – it’s a form of dissociation, a vagueness about everything.
These people suffer from time delusion, seriously under-estimating how long a task will take or to get someplace – like the crisis-maker. But it’s more likely that their mind is on other things – maybe creating something grand, or solving a problem!

The Evader
Studies indicate that late-people as a group have lower self-esteem & higher chronic anxiety than on-timers. Because of these issues, they can feel an overwhelming need to control their environment – subconsciously assuming that if they can make themselves & their surroundings perfect, they’ll feel SAFE & therefore less anxious

The Indulger
Some studies suggest that this group has trouble with self-motivation – ranking lower in self-discipline &/or impulse control, with less ability to make appropriate, realistic sacrifices than on-timers.
Their lack of self-control is not only about time, but also affects other parts of their life. However, it doesn’t mean that latecomers lack all self-control, but many do tend to procrastinate when it comes to personal goals

The Love-Seeker
These come from dysfunctional families, where they never experienced acceptance, appropriate attention, validation & healthy love. So compulsive lateness becomes a continual test “Will you still accept & approve of me even if I’m late? If you do then I know you “really” care!’  (ACoAs & TIME)

The Perfectionist
They focus too much on small stuff, like needing everything to be ‘just so’ before they leave the house – such as still proofreading the footnotes of an assignment when the deadline has passed.
They need to stop missing the “forest for the trees.” Do you really need to rearrange the shoe rack before you walk out the door? Are you really going to prioritize washing up last night’s wine glasses over catching the bus?

The Rationalizer
These people have trouble admitting their chronic lateness, insisting it’s only occasional, & then only by a few minutes. Those who do acknowledge the problem find it very hard to own their responsibility, often blaming external factors such as traffic jams, the kids, busy schedules….

NEXT: Personal Values

PREVIOUS :  NEEDS – 3 Categories

SITE: The Uptighterati hate lateness: are we wrong? 

HABITUAL lateness comes with a HIGH PRICE

👎🏽 Missed opportunities. Not just worst-case scenarios like missing-the-interview-for-your-dream-job. It’s the whole range of lost opportunities by not being professional

👎🏽 Damage to your reputation. A study by Jobs.ie showed that 46% of employees feel resentful toward their persistently late co-workers. And around 1/3 of managers have dismissed an employee for lateness

👎🏽 Psychological and Physical harm. Lateness causes stress, anxiety, guilt & shame (even in normal on-timers).
EXP: being late for an important meeting because of backed-up traffic (did you leave early enough?)

“Lateness is an outrageous expression of arrogance,” says Anthony Warren, at Penn State’s Smeal College of Business.

More people prefer messiness, loud noises, even bad smells – TO late people. In a recent study from Randstad USA, 54% of respondents said others’ poor time management skills drove them nuts, second only to office gossip (60%).
Even late people can’t stand it when others are late, in part because from their point of view, meetings start too promptly.

Friedman and Rosenman divided people into 2 personality types:
Type As are ambitious, competitive & organized. They generally have lower rates of lateness, seeing time as a valuable resource, so are more likely to manage it effectively. Asked to estimate when a minute had expired, most Type As said it lasted 58 seconds.

Type Bs are more relaxed, functioning at a slower pace. They estimated the length of a minute as 77 seconds. Over the course of a day that will have a definite impact.

Samantha Grossman (2015 – her LIST below ) writes that Comedian Mike Birbiglia quipped “What late people don’t understand about on-time people is that we hate them.”
◆ To paraphrase Tolstoy, All early people are alike, but every late person is late in his own way.

🦠 The Deny-er: The person who walks in, hugs you hello & acts like their lateness just never happened

🦠 Eleventh-Hour Over-compensator: sends you a completely overdramatic paragraphs-long text explaining why they’re late

EXP: “OMG I’m gonna be late bcuz a UNICORN was crossing the street so OBVIOUSLY I had to follow it but then my foot hurt so I had to stop and see why my foot hurt & then RYAN GOSLING walked by but it was actually a homeless person LOL so yeah I’ll be there in 45 mins maybe!”

🦠 The Empty Chair: who shows up late to an event where you’re graciously saving them a seat. Everybody gives you the stink eye, but you’re not the monster here

🦠 The Genetic Latie: who blames their personality for why they’re always late

🦠 The Hangry-Maker: who is so late that you say ‘screw it’ & start eating brunch alone

🦠 The Harried Commuter: who blames public transit or traffic every time they’re late. (Sometimes, yes. But every time? No. Build in extra time.)

🦠 The Interruptor: who comes into the movie right as it’s starting, distracting you from the important opening scenes and/or literally crawling over you

🦠 The Infuriatingly Relaxed Colleague: who rolls into the meeting 10 minutes late, holding a coffee that they clearly could have forgone in order to be on time

🦠 The Manic Pixie Procrastinator: who shows up, breathless, their whimsical flowy skirt fluttering in their wake, thinking their lateness is adorable & bohemian

🦠 The Over-scheduler: who is late because they were doing some other fun thing right before & you know because they Instagrammed it. BUSTED.

🦠 The Over-sharer: who always blames their lateness on their significant other. This typically involves an overly detailed story you’re then forced to listen to

🦠 The Pre-Liar: who texts you “almost there!” when you’re confident they’ve in fact just gotten out of the shower

🦠 The Post-Liar: who arrives late & says “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, the subway was delayed!” when you live in a town without a subway

🦠 The Spatially Incompetent: who is always late because they just can’t seem to figure out how long it takes to get from their apartment to Point B, even though they’ve lived there for three years.

NEXT: Lates, Part 2

PREVIOUS: NEEDS – 3 Categories (Part 2)

POST: SYNOPSIS – Unhealthy & Healthy RULES“

Categories of NEEDS: 1. Human, 2. Personality, 3.Damage

3. DAMAGE
These needs are extreme (EXP: being very needy), & can often seem bottomless – nothing is ever enough. They’re accompanied by a great deal of anxiety & anger – because we’re not allowed to have needs, BUT can’t get rid of having them!

As children, our normal, human child-needs were a burden to our parents – not because we were “too much”, but because our family was too preoccupied with their own unhappiness & addictions. They DIDN’T HAVE IT to give us – not even those who ‘meant well’!

Unhealthy styles for each “COLOR” type, from Part 1 (SITE…)

EXPERIENCING REACTION to childhood events
a. Our specific personality (in Part 2 – True Self) influences how we respond to everything in our early environment. This is clearly visible in how / why sibling can be so different from each other

b. The way each child is treated (differently by birth order, gender AND style….) in the family & outside – contributes to the kind of damage-needs each of us has

♨️Trauma-related needs caused by our damaged past are ‘housed’ in the WIC, who was neglected, abandoned & abused. For severely wounded people, much of what we believe is our identity – is actually a distortion of our Original Self, masked by the conforming “False Self“ we had to create in order to survive.

EXP = desperately trying TO :
❗️always feel safe (even more than to be loved)
❗️have everyone always be consistent / dependable
❗️insist on being heard / visible  – by everyone
❗️always have an impact, everywhere (effective)
❗️never be hurt / abused / ignored
❗️never experience any form of loss or abandonment
❗️always use others to take care of us (emotionally), give us permission – to exist, do things for us that we can do for ourself…

To successfully deal with this 3rd category, we have to distinguish between ways we were wounded, the resulting unhealthy needs AND then how we deal with them, which can either be:
a. UNhealthy – the most common ways in pre- & early Recovery
OR
b. Healthy – ways we provide Adult & Child needs, using the UNIT in all 4 PMES ways, to feel safer & make up for what we missed out on originally.

NEXT: CHRONIC LATENESS, #1

IMAGE ⬆️ posted byu/snake-chick – INFJ (July 2020)

PREVIOUS: NEEDS – 3 Categories (Part 1)

SITE: “Correlation between Human Needs system, Personality & Motivation”  (Economic approach to needs & preferences = Scholarly article, Romania)

POST: My Rights  // Our Wounded Child

3 Categories of NEEDS (Ns) : Human, Personality, Damage

2. PERSONALITY (cont)
🤓 In Recovery, the goal is to identify as many of our personality QUALITIES, which connect to our needs, AND finding healthy ways to provide them, both by our selves and through our relationships with others – one-to-one, in groups or from the larger world.

EXPs
• Artistic types need to express their talents with imagination & self-expression vs the Scientifically oriented who need order & proof
• Introverts need a lot of down time vs Extroverts
• Emotional types need to identify how someone / something feels vs Thinking types who need to ‘logic it out’
• Loud people need a ‘platform’, an audience & many outlets vs quiet ones who need peaceful surroundings….
AND
• Parental types need to care for children vs non-‘nurturers’ who prefer work
• Realistic Idealists – to accomplish something valuable for humanity vs Worker types who only focus on the task at hand
• Physically oriented need to move around a lot vs more the sedentary…..
• Those who love ‘green’ nature vs water environments…..
➡️ LIPS : Personality Tests

🤓 Theories of personality are based on motives, which can be seen in behaviors which are controlled by needs (see Part 1). While some are temporary & changing, others are more deeply seated in our nature.

Henry Murray, (American psychologist, 1893–1988) described psychogenic (inborn) needs as a “potentiality or readiness to respond in a certain way, under certain given circumstances.” They function mostly on the unconscious level, while playing a major role in our personality.
These needs include:
• Affection Ns – our desire to love & be loved
• Ambition Ns – for achievement & recognition
• Information Ns – to gain knowledge & share it with others
• Materialistic Ns – for acquisition, construction, order & retention
• Power Ns – both for our own independence, & to control others    (Explanations….)

🤓 Study with 2,477 company apprentices in Germany
✦ Apprentices distinguished between need-satisfaction in different contexts (vocational training & work)
✦ Personality traits, mainly predicting life satisfaction
✦ Basic psychological need-satisfaction (BPNS) predicted context-specific outcomes, more than Personality Traits (More…)

🤓 From Bell Labs , one of the most productive R&D labs – “8 Key Personality Types for Innovation Teams”:

• Analytical type (T) – who has the need to figures out a sustainably profitable business model
• Consensus T – a need to help everyone collaborate well
• Get Stuff Done T – the need to push team to complete a minimum viable version of the product, & get it to market early

• Happy Go Lucky T – who need to keep things lights, as a playful life-the-party, especially during idea creation & innovation
• Perfectionist T – they need to quality-assurance-check the product
• Pragmatic T – the need to test all dreams against reality
• Supportive T – a need to encourage everyone on the team
• Visionary Creative T – need to see the world as they would want it to be (Described)

🤓 TYPES (by Color….) The Tendencies listed for each type can be considered needs / desires they want fulfilled – although not all may be possible, or only to varying degrees, depending on internal or external circumstances.

ALSO: other ways of identifying Personality Needs is by looking at the characteristics of your particular ENNEAGRAM and MBTI type ….

🤓 From TRYTON Capital Investors – chart shows the 9 types of investor personalities, which identifies each one’s specific NEEDS.
“‘Behavioral Finance’ combines psychology & economics to explain why & how investors act, & analyze how that behavior affects the market.
Based on where someone falls on the axis we can make a number of assumptions about your objectives, your attitude towards risk & then what may or may not be a suitable investment …..” (MORE….)

🤓 4 CUSTOMER Types & how to SELL to each
◆ Amiable – picky hoarder in the best way
◆ Analytical – values information
◆ Driver – goal-oriented decision maker
◆ Expressive – outgoing social junkie (Descriptions)

WHICH of all these many NEEDS do YOU identify with MOST? A combined of 2 or 3 main ones?
Can you also identify family, friends & co-workers? 

NEXT: Category 3. Damage-needs

PREVIOUS: Synopsis of Family RULES

SITE:  6 Human Needs Test (see chart below)

POSTS: How to use Diagram ⬆️  // Definitions – review 

3 Categories of NEEDS (Ns) : Human, Personality, Damage
💡Each must be considered in terms of PMES – physical, mental, emotional & spiritual. Everyone is born with the first 2, & all who come from dysfunctional backgrounds (alcoholic, narcissistic…. ), have the 3rd one – to varying degrees.

Many ACoAs are only aware of #3 – if at all, AND mistakenly assume “It’s just the way I am” – but is actually the “False Self” coming from early abuse & neglect.
💗 The goal of Recovery is to uncover & honor the first 2, & work on healing the third.

1. HUMAN
If our basic needs are fulfilled, we feel good. We experience pleasurable emotions such as joy, contentment & healthy pride. Although we all have the same ones, specific needs are more important to some than to others (knowledge, beauty, safety….). Also, which strategies will best satisfy them depend on our experiences, personality, & the amount & quality of information we have about ourselves & the world. (school, self-study, apprenticeship….)

Naturally, no one can constantly or totally fulfill all their needs. Even a healthy person who experiences a severe disruption in life can get temporarily thrown, but with time & help will return to their previous equilibrium. Being able to deal with problems & shocks can be a positive – to develop trust in themselves & their ability to handle challenges.

However, if basic needs regularly go unmet – especially in childhood, as with many of us ACoAs – we end up with constant anxiety, depression & self-hate.
But since it’s not possible for human needs to dissolve & disappear, they accumulate & stay with us in exaggerated form, controlling our behavior in negative ways. (See Part 3 – “Damage Needs“).

IN GENERAL: Human needs drive our behavior. THINK OF :
✦ Needs as motives, means that all actions can be understood as being formed by the quest to satisfy or actualize our needs
✦ Needs as societal requirements – for flourishing & experiencing a good life. They indicate what’s necessary to avoid serious harm, & to participate in our society, whether or not others push us to act
✦ Needs as requirements to achieve a certain outcome (goals) like self accomplishments, self-fulfillment, happiness (More….)

Primary : based on biological demands (oxygen, food, water….)
(see Maslow Pyramid of Needs )

Secondary : generally psychological, such as the need for nurturing, independence & achievement. While they may not be required for basic survival, they’re essential for well-being

Basic, normal needs apply to everyone = male / female, young / old, all nationalities & religions  (List of MANY MORE….needs)

= = = = =
2. PERSONALITY
This group is what’s called the “Natural Self” – your specific needs, springing primarily from the type of person you were born as, although everyone is some combination of qualities – in differing proportions. What we’re looking for here are long-term patterns – the predominant interests & talents of your whole life, starting in childhood. (Use Our Time line Inventory)

They can be needs expressed at interests & talents which showed up early on, but may have been suppressed & ignored because of discouragement or trauma.
OR they can be tendencies we’ve always been aware of but only partially realized. Specific personality needs also can be seen in gender differences – how males vs female brains function.

Carol Dweck, a Stamford psychologist, coined the acronym “BEATs” = Beliefs, & the Emotions + Action-Tendencies stored with them. They’re made up of experiences accumulated in trying to meet all needs, expressed by our individual personality, invisible & visible. (⬅️CHART)

She identified 3 basic psychological Ns :
— to predict our world
— for acceptance from others
— to build competence to function in the world. 
“Infants arrive highly prepared to meet these needs — they are brilliant, voracious learners, on the lookout for need-relevant information. As they go about trying to do this, they start building beliefs about their world & their role in it: Is the world good or bad, safe or dangerous? Can I act on my world to meet my needs (do I have an effect?)   (More….)

NEXT: Personality needs CONT.

PREVIOUS: HOW to/not to TALK to KIDS – Examples (#2)

POSTS : “UNIT – Healthy Adult, Loving Parent“

More negative vs. positive ways to communicate with a child. SAME great ways to talk to the INNER CHILD !

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NEXT : Human Needs

PREVIOUS: HOW to/not to TALK to KIDS – Examples (#1)

WorkBook : ‘Recovery of your Inner Child”  ∼ Lucia Capacchione, PhD

More healthy ways to talk to a child. They suggest ways you can respond to your INNER CHILD from the Good Parent ego state !

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NEXT : HOW to/not to TALK to KIDS – Examples (#3)

PREVIOUS: Unhealthy vs Healthy family

SITE : “Self Talk: Internal Dialogue of the Subconscious Mind“

Excellent reminder, which applies to all of us, no matter what our preferred defense mechanism or addiction of choice

NOTE: All images are taken from the Faber & Mazlish book, but some titles & comments are reworked, because the authors use the word “Feel” to include emotions, thoughts & actions. This is confusing & inaccurate. (See posts : “Use Think instead of Feel“)

Apply this info YOURSELF first
Many ACoAs remark that they don’t know how to talk to their Inner Child. That’s understandable, since that was never modeled for us.  These scenes can help with that lack. They contrast the unhealthy abandoning ways we were treated vs. healthy, loving communication. (Posts: “Being Loved“).

Use them as a basis for great conversations with your INNER CHILD !
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NEXT: HOW to/not to TALK to KIDS – Examples, #2

ARTWORK ⬆️ “His & Hers” and  ⬇️ ” Good vs Evil ” designed & created by DMT (2018 & 2019)

PREVIOUS: “I who have nothing”

POST: Toxic Family Rules // Healthy Rules  

🛎 You Tube : Homecoming (Part 1) John Bradshaw

BOOK review : “Homecoming – Reclaiming & Championing Your Inner Child” by John Bradshaw 
This book answers: “How can I let go of my bitterness about the past, learn to love myself, and how can I parent myself?”

 “PERMISSIONS” in a HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT
 5 FREEDOMS: It’s OK to feel your emotions, think your own   thoughts, have your own opinions, want what you want, & imagine.
It’s your right!

NEXT: How to Talk to Kids, #1