PREVIOUS: MIND GAMES (#2)

SITE: “51 telltale signs you’re married to a narcissist“

√ LYING
Ns personal presentation & how they interact with the world are based on lies – without remorse. Positive attributes & accomplishments are either exaggerated or totally made up, to trick & seduce others into continually giving them Supply – praise, admiration & perks they didn’t earn.

One of many versions are the ‘good Samaritans’ posing as “lovely people” in public, but are insensitive, neglectful & cruel behind closed doors.
There able to lie so convincingly because they don’t consider for a moment the negative effect their fakeness has on others’ lives, or what others need & feel

√ MIRRORING
A N will convince ‘object of their affection’ (you) that you’re falling in love with the most wonderful, fantastic person you’ve ever met, BY mirroring everything you love, coping your mannerisms, & seeming to be fascinated by your interests. They even tell you that you’re their soulmate.

This game can lure the unwary, but especially the wounded, who never got the mirroring they legitimately needed – as infants!  By having that need met now, someone can fall in love with this fake identity, which is actually the V‘s narcissism, like looking in a fun-house mirror.

All the N is doing is learning all your insecurities & strengths, likes & dislikes – used to “groom” you. Scamming you comes easy – they’ve done this before with their previous ‘loves’ (and bosses, and friends, and….)

√ MISREPRESENTING YOU
Rather than you, it’s the Toxic Ns who think they’re mind readers! They presume to know what you’re thinking & feeling, BUT they’re never accurate & it’s never positive. Even the ones who act like a thoughtful, caring person will deliberately twist or misuse your words, restating what you say to make your opinions look absurd.

They’ll put words in your mouth, making it sound like you have a bad intention or a toxic view that you don’t have. If you happen to talk about a problem with them, the N may respond : “So I’m the bad one,” or with someone else : “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” They’re canceling out your legitimate reactions to  inappropriate behavior, so you feel guilty for trying to set boundaries.

This tactic extends to spreading mis-info about you, presenting you in a negative & false ways.

√ MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATIONS
You can’t have a normal dialog with Ns. The Extroverts never seem to shut up & make it all about how they see thing. But while the introverts are quieter, they too can turn any conversation back to themselves, cleverly cutting you off. Your opinions don’t actually matter to any N.(see Post “Conversational N“)

√ NAME-CALLING
Ns will destroy anything that gets in their way or poses a threat to their self-defined image of superiority. Inside their twisted world, they’re the only person who’s always right, so anyone daring to disagree will trigger their rage.

At those times,  putting the other person down is the N’s automatic response & are perfectly aware of the anxiety they cause. They’ll insult & criticize the ‘enemy’s’ opinions & beliefs, to regain a measure of superiority. And once they get going, they don’t let up. Name calling is very childish, but by continually dismissing, ridiculing & marginalizing anyone who they feel diminishes then, they vanquish this enemy – even if it’s their child or mate!

√ NEGATIVE HUMOR / TEASING
Making negative or insulting remarks disguised as teasing or sarcasm are sneaky ways to let out normally suppress or denied anger, but is actually meant to punish by making you feel inferior & insecure.
If you object or call them out, the N will say “You’re too sensitive” or “You just don’t have a sense of humor / you take things too seriously…”.

They’ll keep throwing out malicious jokes at your expense, especially about anything that touches you deeply. They’ll ‘humorously’ shame you in front of others & insist it’s all in good fun. Their sick, mean humor is done without remorse, while justifying themselves by saying you were the one who got them riled in the first place.

NEXT : Mind Games #5

 PREVIOUS : Mind Games #1

V = Victim

MIND GAMES (cont)
√ GHOSTING – Silence at a distance
In this version, you’re stuck not being able to find out or object to what’s really going on. So, many Vs stew in confusions & anxiety, wondering what they’ve done wrong (which is S-H), & how they can fix it.

Ghosters either don’t respond when they say they will, or promise to show up for something but blow you off – without any warning before or apology after.
Ns know exactly what they’re doing – & that it’s hostile.
If they wanted to be respectful, keep their word,  or work out a problem, they’d text or talk to you, but NO – they’d rather leave you hanging.
They also know they can backtrack on their ‘little murder’ (angry silence) when they need you on their side. Most Victims are eager to end their own discomfort & so let the N get away with it

√ GROOMING
To prepare a potential victim to become a physical & psychological slave, the N works very hard for some period of time to create the impression that they’re a safe, generous, trustworthy person. It’s temporary & intentional – tailored to set the victim (target) up for future use.

This effort forms an emotional connection with a child or vulnerable adult – so they can be manipulated, exploited & abused later – and have the V tolerate & forgive the N, even blaming themself for the eventual unexpected, shocking mistreatment

√ GUILT-TRIP
Verb : To actively create guilt in another person, used on Vs as punishment for not pleasing the N.  It’s a passive-aggressive way to keep the V feeling bad about things they’re done / said, or failed to do / say, which the N claims are unacceptable – but only in their eyes.

Specifically, the V will be reminded of something ‘bad’ they did –> made to feel guilty about it –> then given an option to escape punishment – by doing something the manipulator wants. If the V agrees that everything ‘wrong’ with the relationship is their fault, they’ll make a great effort to try to make up for it. That way the N never has to admit being neglectful, deliberately selfish & cruel

√ HOOVERING
Named after the Hoover vacuum, it’s used to “suck the V back in” to the abusive relationship the V is trying to escape or has left. The N will temporarily ‘improve’ their behavior, or give the V something they want which had previously been withheld. Neither will last!

The N can use any means to re-hook the V, needed as ‘Supply’.  EXP: guilt-tripping & shaming, false promises of changing behavior & too-good-to-be-true gifts, begging, screaming at the victim, making threats, insincerely accepting blame for what’s gone wrong, even using others (flying monkeys) to help persuade the V to return. (See “Narc-Speak #1“)

√ INTIMIDATE 
The N will frighten their V by threatening physical harm to them or a loved one, or to deprive the V of something extremely important (sleep, food, money, the children….), to force the V into doing something the N wants.
Another way is to throw tantrums when the N doesn’t get their way – ranting on & on, loud angry voice, lots of aggressive gestures, breaking things… It’s psychological torture, always with the possibility of direct physical violence.

√ LOVE BOMB
This is when the N overwhelms a new Supply (you?) with an OTT amount of affection, flattery, gifts & praise early in the relationship. It’s purpose is not love. By moving the relationship forward quickly, the N tries to win the V’s undivided attention so they’ll be the only one in control.
This shows the N’s insecurity & inner emptiness, which requires an immediate fix. N have very little impulse-control, like little kids – wanting what they want, right now.

This emotional game can include: “just helping you out – to do better” by criticizing everything in your life, agreeing with everything you say, constant compliments, physical & digital affection, expensive gifts (to make you indebted, since they expect something back)….
This will all end when the V is good & truly hooked.

NEXT : More Mind Games #2

PREVIOUS : Mind Games #1

⬅️ Artwork by Jonathan Plotkin

Mind-Games (cont)

√ CHANGE the SUBJECT
A conversational smokescreen to divert any talk away from what the N did / didn’t do. Most often the redirect lands on one of your weaknesses, since Ns don’t want to be held accountable for anything. Complain about their behavior? They’ll point out a mistake you committed 5 years ago. This game has no time or subject limit, usually starting with “What about the time when you …”

It can also happen when any subject simply doesn’t interest the N,
OR especially anything emotional, such as their Supply crying about a loss or death. N’s response might be “So what the big deal?  / Are you over that yet?”
OR the V making an emotional statement, (“I’m really sad about…. / you make me so angry when….”) N’s response will then be on irrelevant & trivial topics like “So what’s on TV? / What’s for dinner?….”

√ COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
This term refers to mental confusion caused by holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. Most people want things to be consist & make sense, so this conflict makes us feel uneasy.

Re. Ns masking their true intensions with a charming facade – designed to gather as much attention & admiration as they can get away with, but which is undeserved. This deception often works because most people aren’t educated about how Ns operate – without empathy or interest in other humans. Instead, ‘innocents’ only see someone who seems sweet & caring.

As a result, Vs experience a good deal of cognitive dissonance. They try to rationalize the “charming, helpful, caring” person against the outrageous & cruel words & actions the N constantly subjects them to. Result : Vs end up blaming themselves.

√ DEVALUE
The N will start their wicked game by taking you to 7th heaven, idealizing you until you’re thoroughly hooked, addicted to their “perfect“ personality.
Then in a blink of an eye they’ll devaluing you with insults, criticizing all the qualities they seemed to previously admired.
A variation: putting you on a pedestal while attacking someone else who threatened the N’s status & superiority (so you never will)

√ EXPECT you to MIND-READ
The N actually (but secretly) demands that you know what they need, feel & want – without having to ask. They’re too important & god-like to say – you should just intuit it!
Then – when you disappoint (how could you not?), they get very angry & accuse you of not loving them, being insensitive & a bad friends / daughter / son / mate…… They deliberately create situations where you’ll feel guilty & bad about yourself – as a way to “up your game” on their behalf

√ GAME CHANGE & NITPICK
When you’ve obeyed all the N’s rules – been the very best mate / child / employee possible…. then the N changes the rules for acceptability. Even the little things you had corrected to suit them – are no longer valid. You will need tweaking, with new goals set for you.

Constant criticism of things you’re doing that used to be praised – is mentally confusing & causes emotional anxiety. While there’s no ‘logic’ to the new nit-picky judgements demands, the only option is for you to work harder for the N’s approval.

“Bait & switch” is meant to keep you too weak to free yourself, diverting you from your strengths, & pulling you into obsessions about supposed flaws. You end up twisting & bending, trying to fill their every need, which are never be satisfied

√ GASLIGHT

To be actual gaslighting, the motive has to be deliberate, conscious obfuscation – when the person (N) ‘denies’ the other’s experience (V).
It’s a series of mind-games to destroy the Vs memory, perception & sanity. (From the 1944 movie “Gaslight.”). It can be used short-term, to cover some misdeed. But to be effective it usually takes time & a diabolical sneakiness to pull off.
Often it’s done so the N can get their claws on the V’s money & property. It can also just be for the sadistic satisfaction of breaking someone spirit.

 NEXT: More Mind Games #3

PREVIOUS : Narc-Speak #2

SITE : The Power of Silence

NOTE: Narcissists often pause their abuse, using intermittent periods of seeming kindness & warmth. This creates a trauma-bond for the victim – so when the abuse starts again the V will assume they caused it & deserve it. It makes them even more eager to please, desperately trying to make the N happy again.

MIND GAMES
a. As ACoAs – you may also identify with many characteristics of this very detailed list (they tend to overlap), since we inevitably incorporated unhealthy maneuvers perpetrated by our family, school & religion
b. And – you may need to acknowledge that the parent, mate, adult-child, friend, boss…. you’re dealing with act some these ways. This is especially true if they mirror who & what you grew up with.

It’s imperative to see Ns for what they are – to prevent being used, or as a way to untangle yourself. These ‘games’ have certain things in common, designed TO :
1. keep you in a one-down, subservient position to the N, making sure you’re convinced you need them to function & survive
2. keep promoting the N as superior & therefore worthy of obedience & ‘worship’
3. insure you provide them with all the ‘nourishment’ they can’t or won’t give themselves, draining you of all your vitality

PS: When the N is your grown child – & they’re being abusive, standoffish, favoring the alcoholic parent against you…. – what they more likely want is for you to :
— agree with anything & everything they do
— never want anything from them (a connection, be responsible, get help, be respectful….), regardless of what you want or have done for them!

√ AMBIENT ABUSE
The N surrounds the victim (you ) with a haze of fear, instability & intimidation. It’s so toxic because it’s made up of subtle, underground currents of mistreatment that can go unnoticed by the V until you’re wrapped in their spider web.

√ AGGRESSION
Ns are well known for their verbal attacks & inability to control behavior whenever they get angry. They can blow up suddenly, or regularly spew rage, which effectively stops you even from asking questions – much less objecting or needing something, in case it provokes another explosion

√ BE INAPPROPRIATE
To keep you small & ashamed, the N will make a point of embarrassing you in public by what they say & how they act, whether alcohol is involved or not, without feeling ashamed of themselves. But they know you will be – by association. EXP: being insulting, creating an argument, staring a fight… with another group member, a stranger, waiter, cop….

√ BLAME
Ns want you to keep thinking you’re doing everything wrong – even though you have not. They know that if they can make you feel guilty, they’ll have ammo if you ever have the nerve to call them out on their behavior.
That way you’ll always feel guiltier than a dog who’s just peed in the house. So you’ll roll over, be extra nice & do whatever they want, to make it up to them

√BLOW HOT & COLD
When someone’s nice one minute, then nasty the next, you’ll naturally stay on edge, since even when they’re acting all warm & fuzzy, you’ll be anticipating the next sudden switch. Being deliberately unpredictable is crazy-making, so you end up walking on egg shells.

Purpose: If the N thinks you’re getting a bit cocky ‘for your own good’ (confident, objecting to their games), the N will shoot you down with another bout of cruelty.
THEN, If they feel they’ve pushed too far, they’ll switch back to being ‘good’. Unless the N has other options, they’ll want to hang on to you, so the ‘nice’ act is used to get you back on their side – temporarily of course

√ BRAINWASH
The NPD’s got you thinking you have to serve & obey them, otherwise you’ll be in BIG trouble. If you’re around them long enough, you end up doing things you don’t feel comfortable with, just because the N wants it.  If you don’t, you think it means you’ve failed them, feeling guilty about not ‘performing’ the way you ‘should’.

NEXT : More Mind Games #2

PREVIOUS : Narc-Speak #2

SITE: “Conversational Narcissism: How to Deal Without Draining Your Energy“(scroll)

NARC SELF-FOCUS
👄 You know the type – not you of course – the one who :
✦ never shuts up so you can’t get a word in edgewise
✦ asks you how you are but won’t let you answer more than 2 words
✦ is always interrupting to add their 2-cents
✦ knows exactly what you need to fix your problem or upset
✦ goes on & on about something that’s bothering them, blaming others
✦ talks in endless circles, until you’re punch drunk just listening to them ….

💟 Anita Vangelisti, a Texas U psychologist, found that conversational narcissism is keeping the attention on oneself, & can include : boasting, speaking loudly, using exaggerated gestures, & a ‘glazed overlook’ in the eyes when someone else is talking.

Deep-dish narcissists (NPDs) will use the technique of endless talking – to control & trap their target (victim / empath) who finds it very hard to get out of these filibusters.

💟 FROM Brett & Kate McKay (2011)
In The Pursuit of Attention, sociologist Charles Derber describes research results from 1,500 face-to-face conversations that recorded how people traded & vied for attention.
He found that despite good intentions, & often without awareness, most people use conversational narcissism. This can take subtle forms, in deference to social norms & etiquette.

Conversational responses :
1. In the shift-response, an anxious listener is internally preparing to change the subject, so attention can shift back to themselves. EXP:
James: I’m thinking about buying a new car
Rob: “Oh yeah? I’m thinking about buying a new car too”
James: Really?
Rob: Yup, I just test-drove a Mustang yesterday & it was awesome.

This style is a way to grab the focus away from the current speaker, but not always done blatantly.
The clever person can put in a nice transition comment to disguise the intention, like “That’s interesting. /  Really? I can see that…. ,”
right before shifting into a comment about themselves, tying their response to the topic at hand : “I was thinking about trading mine in….”

2. The support-response keeps complete attention on the current speaker & topic. EXP:
James: I’m thinking about buying a new car.
Rob: Oh yeah? What models have you looked at?

This style can come in 3 sub-forms, each a higher level of attention & interest in speaker & topic:
‣ Background statements are minimal, to show you’re listening: “Uh-huh”
‣ Supportive assertions show active listening. “You’re right. That’s not OK.”
‣ Supportive questions indicate you’re not only listening, but also interested in hearing more. “What are you going to do now?”  (MORE…..)
✫     ✫     ✫   ✫
💟 Michelle Loch, coach, speaker, author (2017) – combined colors with 5 talking styles & the reason they can cause problems with others. Conversational narcissism (CN) shuts down thinking, fuels defensive responses, creates apathy & wastes time. In each color-style, it’s all about you – whether to protect or defend, or assuming you know what others need or want.

AT WORK, CN is someone WHO :
✴︎ always sets & leads the agenda at every meetings, or in work conversations
✴︎ assumes their team or colleagues have understood their instructions or requests (but they didn’t)
✴︎ assumes others have their goals or desired outcomes (but they don’t)
WHO:
✴︎ never asks for your opinion or ideas, or if they do, doesn’t take the time to understand your reasoning or perspective
✴︎ wastes your time, because nothing in the meeting is of value to the issues you‘ve asked feedback or help with
✴︎ ends a meeting or conversation that leaves you thinking “Well, that was all about them!” …..

Improving Leadership
❧ Be a facilitator, not a consultant with all the answers. Ask for input – trust that others know what they want or need from a conversation or meeting
❧ Ask if they want feedback from you, don’t just tell them what you think. If they say yes, then find out what specific kind they need, & in what form
❧ Let others do the thinking : What are their needs for the project? What would be the best outcome for them? What other perspectives or customer should we be considering?

NEXT: N Mind games (#1)

PREVIOUS : Narc Speak (#1)

SITE : 14 more manipulative phrases from Ns (some overlap)

◀︎ “Word Salad” – the verbal sandwich you eat, but comes with a poisonous sauce that gives you a stomach ache!

2. HOOVERING
3. IN RELATIONSHIPS

4. N-EGO Phrases 
•  I’m so modest = Don’t consider what I’m doing or saying as abuse. Just accept it

• How dare you accuse me of lying?! I’ve always told you the truth = I only say what I want you to believe, which it rarely the truth. And if you question me, you’ll be in big trouble!

• I don’t have an anger problem = So what? I’ll yell & insult you no matter what you think
❗️ ❗️
• That never happened  = So I made a mistake – but you’re not supposed to notice, much less bring it up

• I can’t remember what happened = I’m perfectly aware what happened, but if I pretend not to, I expect you to as well

• I never said that. You heard wrong. You misunderstood me = I’ll change your reality any time I please, & you will go along with it!

• Don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re making absolutely no sense =  I’m pretending to not understand your point or your experience. Since it disagrees with mine, I don’t have to admit anything!
❗️ ❗️
• That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry that’s how you feel = I’m pretending to be the rational one OR that I care – but I say things that ever-so-subtly invalidate you, so you can never win

• Why are you always attacking me? Don’t! = Stop holding me accountable. Why do you keep expecting me to admit when I so or say something wrong (that you don’t like)?

• YOU are the problem  = I’m the problem but will never say so. Besides, I don’t care how you feel

• I didn’t hurt you – you hurt yourself. Maybe you deserved it  = I so don’t care, that I literally believe your effort to stand up for yourself (or a cause) forced me to abuse you – some more.
You deserve it because you don’t see things my way or didn’t do exactly what I wanted

• You’re too sensitive = Cut the emotional crap now. Stop being upset & talking about your feelings, or my meanness & bad behavior
❗️ ❗️
• Forgive & forget = Keep tolerating my abuse, aways
• Stop living in the past = Okay. Peace. Forget it, so I can go back to being comfortable

• That’s in the past. 15 minutes ago IS the past! Why can’t we just forget it ? =  Why you don’t get over being abused – it’s over, so you should be all cheerful now. Stop making ME the bad one

• Nobody likes you = I don’t really like you – & secretly don’t myself either, so you have to feel as bad about yourself as I do about me
• You’re crazy = I can’t bear that you know the truth about me, & are starting to tell others about it. I have to stop you!

•  It’s all in your head. You need to see a shrink = I need you to doubt your perception & your reality, so I can keep manipulating you easily.
(from :  Emily Gordon // Angie Atkinson)
❗️ ❗️
5. TACTIC : False Praise with Real Criticism
Many Ns are skilled at sounding pleasant, agreeable, even complimentary. They can lavish praise when it suits them, but not a single word is heartfelt or honest.

Instead, they use false praise to manipulate, to get you on their side, and to make the criticisms that follow more palatable.
EXP: “I like your dress, but it really doesn’t flatter your figure”,  “You draw beautifully, but that’s not a real job” = softening the blow while sticking the knife in. (Post “How to / not to talk to Kids…. “)

This is indirect abuse. It may not seem so bad to the victim, nor to onlookers – but over time such verbal combos are painfully cumulative, having a damaging effect on self-esteem & affecting the ability to function well. (More….)

NEXT: CONVERSATIONAL Narcissism

PREVIOUS : ACoAs as Ns (#3)

1. ‘WORD SALAD’ – the slang term for a type of narcissistic speech used purposefully to control by being confusing & degrading.
THEY:
✴︎ Accuse you of their bad behavior, especially things you never do/ never done
✴︎ Blame you for their shortcomings, deny reality & responsibility, find excuses, shame / mock you
USE:
✴︎ Confusing statements that never come to the point & never end, so you’re caught in a mental spiral
✴︎ Cognitive distortions – the basis for insensitive, abusive actions
✴︎ Condescending tone, as if talking to a child
✴︎ Conversation as competition, to frustrate or create arguments. If you’re always wrong, it insures they are always right (More….)
✴︎ NO logic, clarity or verbal direction about the topic being talked about
✴︎ Lots of irrelevant or meaningless ‘facts’
THEY:
✴︎ Never address the current issue or problem
✴︎ Outright lie, make excuses, change the subject
✴︎ Refuse to answer, or belittle & insult
✴︎ Repeat the same stories, opinions, pet peeves, arguments…. year after year, even using the exact same words

✴︎ Project their inner world onto to you . Whatever they feel is unacceptable in themselves – becomes the flaw in you
✴︎ Purposely confuse your reality by denying your experience (gaslighting)
✴︎ Verbally rage, when unmasked for what they really are
✴︎ Reverse Toxic Roles: accuse you of making them a Victim, then magically turn themselves into a saintly Hero
📣     📢    📣    📢

2. HOOVERING – If you’re a Victim who’s trying to get away, or walked out – this manipulation is used to try sucking you back in by promising improved or desirable behavior, but they’ll end up treating you like dirt (like what’s in the vacuum cleaner)

Hoovering Ns may say:
✦ You can’t leave, I need you. You’re the only one who’s ever understood me (clever you!)
✦ We’re soul-mates – meant to be together (as a copy of me)
✦ I know you’re the right one for me, we get along so well (when you agree)
✦ I’ve had an epiphany – I love only you! (Right now, maybe)

✦ After the break up, the N says “I’m here for you – you shouldn’t go thru this alone (you still need me and have to make ME feel better)
✦ I’m sorry for hurting you & I promise to change / stop drinking …. (sure thing)
✦ OK, I’ve decided to get help. OR – OK, I’ll go to couple’s counseling with you (but not for long)

✦ Can’t we be friends? We care about each other (as long as you please me)
✦ I met him / her when we were broken up (they didn’t mean a thing to me) OR I met them before you (I can still fool around with an ex)
❗️❗️
3. IN RELATIONSHIPS
• I love you = Damn! You’re starting to figure out my real intentions. I’d better distract you
• Cheaters are scum = I’m cheating on you, but don’t notice!  (➡️ IMAGE : Ego kibbles)

• I’m sorry = Forget what just happened! Don’t hold me responsible. Make me feel good.
• I’m upset = Pay more attention to me!

• I’ve never met anyone like you = You all are the same to me. I’m texting 5 others the same thing right now
• I’ve been really wanting to settle down = This should make you believe I’m a responsible guy & a nice person, so ‘trust me’
❗️❗️
• I can’t help what I am, take it or leave it = I may act like a total douche, but I expect you to overlook obvious facts, & act like I’m the most amazing person you’ve EVER met. MMmmkay?

• I don’t want to talk = Go away! unless you can flatter & pamper me
• Why do you keep going on about ___ ? This is boring! Let’s talk about something else = Focus only on ME. I don’t care about what you’re saying. And even if I do ‘listen’, I’ll act like you’re stupid & boring so you’ll get discouraged & stop bugging me

• I don’t like talking about my past = I’ve carefully crafted the image I’m showing you (& the world), so if I talk about my past, it’ll crash. I can’t keep up my false self if you know who I used to be.

NEXT: More PHRASES (Part 2)

PREVIOUS :
Narcissist Types #1

Narc VICTIM Roles
The N’s overriding objective in life is finding fuel, from :
💘 a Primary Source, who the N has determined will provide it on a regular basis, of high-grade & in copious amounts. Such a person will experience – at first – the elation of the N’s overwhelming Seduction, but later face the horror of Devaluation, the bewilderment of Discard & the lure of Hoovering.

💟 Supplementary Sources – anyone else the N can seduce other than an intimate partner. It includes family, friends, colleagues, strangers … all ranked according to the strength of the fuel they provide.

TYPES (cont)
1. GRANDIOSE Ns /// 2. SPIRITUAL Ns

3. COMMUNAL Ns
At the ‘mild’ end of the narcissism spectrum, they’re very hard to catch, since these Ns value agreeableness, relatedness & warmth. Seeing themselves as the most giving, helpful trustworthy & supportive person, they want everyone else to think so too, by trying to always be friendly & kind.

Far from showing a lack of empathy, as with standard NPDs, this type uses their intuition-antennae to tune in to what pleases you, making you feel validated.
While they don’t seem to be as damaging as other types, they too are using people to feel good. Their decisions & actions are motivated by outside sources – making them vulnerable to disappointment & frustration, which can turn into being depressed & judgmental.

So – this type’s dishonest selflessness is just as selfish as that of grandiose Ns. Their drive is also for esteem, power & superiority, just using very different tactics. When their hypocrisy is discovered, it’s an even bigger disappointment to others.

4. VULNERABLE (COVERT) Ns
Hardest to spot, until it’s too late, they hide behind passive-aggressiveness, but are un-empathetic, exploitive & manipulative.
EXP: Setting others up to be constantly frustrated, they :
▶︎ insist that someone else make all the decisions & then accuse them of being controlling
▶︎ often say they’ll do something but keep ‘forgetting’, then slyly get a kick out of the other’s annoyance, disappointment, rage…..

What’s confusing to observers is that these Ns can be : anxious, clingy, act helpless & incompetent, are needy, pathetic, sickly, weak, withdrawn…..
while also secretly believing they’re superior. They may see themselves as brilliant, courageous, desirable, entitled, magical….. but just not yet expressed.

This combination also causes the N great internal conflict, by holding both over-inflated & under-rated irrational beliefs about themselves. EXP:  CDs such as self-hate and perfectionism.

Since a closet N would never admit to feeling ‘special’, they instead point to something else – a person, a religion, a book, a dress designer – that’s lauded by others, so they can feel special by association.

Their fear of criticism is so strong that they try to avoid getting attention. Their life is hampered by a weak identity, lack of autonomy & self-motivation, ‘imposter syndrome’, & procrastination. Being insecure & easily stressed, these Ns are unhappy, with anxiety, depression, guilt, hypersensitivity & shame.

Their negative self-beliefs are projected onto other people & their own future, making personal growth difficult or impossible. Always looking for their secretly grandiose self-image to be reinforced, they’re highly defensive when actual or perceived criticism triggers their self-hate.

They don’t have positive relationships, with as attachment style that’s more avoidant & anxious. Distrustful of everyone, they’re always looking for danger, so they internalize their N, isolating with hostile blame & resentment.

5. MALIGNANT Ns
These are at the other extreme of the N continuum, cruel & aggressive. They’re a-moral, immoral, paranoid & sadistic – finding pleasure in creating chaos, physical torture, & destroying lives.
They’re not grandiose & extroverted, but more closely related to the dark triad of anti-social personality disorder (APD), psychopathy, & Machiavellianism. They can form long-term relationships – with extreme victims – easily being nasty whenever they feel threatened.
5a. SEDUCING Ns
A particularly tricky type – these will make you feel great about yourself to ‘win’ you over as a sexual or love conquest. At first they seem to admire & fawn over you, only to disappear once you’re hooked. (think: Regina George).

They’re emotionally dangerous. Other types don’t usually go out of their way to hurt somebody – they’re just obsessed with themselves. But this one can leave a trail of broken hearts, so avoid them.

5b.BULLYING Ns
This type combines 2 terrible traits: bullying & self-absorption. They boost themselves by trashing others, fixated on winning & mock or threaten people to get their way. They get a personal kick out of making others feel bad, unworthy & invisible, which is different from a ‘regular’ bully who belittles for social benefit.

NEXT:  Narc-Speak #1

PREVIOUS : N. Levels (#3)

SITE: Narcissists ‘horrible people but happy’

Narcissists fit into:
3 schools – Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater
& 4 cadres – Victim, Somatic, Cerebral & Elite
Ns belong to both groups, but not into every combination, since some types are mutually exclusive.  (MORE….)

Narcissistic Behavior is consistent 
Unhealthy N symptoms are present – if camouflaged – in all situations, not just when they’re around certain people or when under stress. A person can be considered a N IF they have 5 or more symptoms persisting since their early 20s or before, which limit or prevent the ability to maintain healthy relationships.
ARTICLE: “N as a consequence of Trauma & Early Experiences“

SUB-TYPES, both Grandiose & Vulnerable:
♣︎ BOOMERANG Ns – the one who keeps popping in & out of your life. They offer very few explanations or excuses, & co-dep partners keep taking them back.
AND they’re also involved with several other partners (as Supply), staying when it suits them, leaving when anything is expected of them in the relationship

♣︎ CEREBRAL Ns – they get a sense of self-importance from their mental abilities, believing themselves to be smarter & cleverer than almost everyone else. To feed their ego, they’ll try to make others feel ignorant & stupid. No one’s ever going to win an argument with them or get them to admit they’re wrong. (More… )

♣︎ PARASITIC Ns – They feed off of a host, using anyone who’ll take care of them. They don’t want any responsibility, so find someone who’s intelligent, strong & successful – but also needs to feel useful & is self-sacrificing. CHILDREN are easy targets, since they have no choice about being a Victim, but they too are singled out for their intelligence, sensitivity & compassionate nature.

♣︎ SEXUAL Ns – get self-validation from sexual attractiveness & being ‘very good’ in bed. They have an overly-positive, egotistical admiration of their own seduction-power, consumed by an obsession with performance, & the need for constant sexual admiration. (Think young Tom Jones, singer)

♣︎ SOMATIC Ns – get self-worth from their bodies, which shows up as a conviction that they’re more beautiful, stronger, or fitter than others. They obsess about weight & physical appearance, judging others based only on externals. (Think young Arnold)

♣︎ SPIRITUAL Ns – they get self-worth from being other-world oriented. They use spiritual practices & ‘insight’ to increase self-importance, in some cases for fame & wealth – instead of humility & decreasing the ego, which are the hallmarks of true spirituality. (MORE….. scroll to Narcissists , Co-deps) // (More….scroll to traits) // (More….)

♣︎ WHITE NIGHT Ns – to camouflage emptiness, shame & fear of abandonment, they need to be seen as a great human being, via rescuing & people-pleasing.
They get narcissistic supplies by publicly doing helpful things for others, such as the “good neighbor” N – who compulsively runs errands, does chores, fixes things for ‘free’, gives their own things away to anyone who asks – all out of the ‘goodness of their heart’ – but at the expense of their own families, their finances & health.

🔻A sub-category is the parent who compulsively / deliberately gives away their children’s toys or other possessions to their own adult friends – in order to seem generous, but without the child’s knowledge or OK, and which are not items no longer needed or wanted by the child. (MORE….)

1. GRANDIOSE Ns
These are the boastful public figures, recognizable in films. As extroverts, they are usually very charming & seductive, although their vanity & boldness can also be obnoxious & shameless.

They’re aggressive, authoritarian, callous & self-absorbed. Some are also physically abusive. These un-empathic, arrogant Ns have great disdain for others. Underpinned by Extraversion, they report high self-esteem & satisfaction with their lives, despite all the pain they cause others. 

This comes from internal congruence – their opinion of themselves meshes with how the world sees them –  so they rarely have anxiety. This allows them to have a deep belief that there’s nothing wrong with them – only with other people & circumstances.

Ns demand direct acclaim, attention & domination – even in ‘love’, game-playing being used to keep the upper hand. Many do maintain relationships, in spite of the fact that their compliant partners are unhappy with the N’s emotional insensitivity & criticism, but are seduced by the N’s self-assurance, forcefulness & income.

2. SPIRITUAL Ns
(See above def) They need to project an idealized version of themselves by influencing & captivating their audience, masking imperfection & existential guilt (being a sinner). They compensate & feel special by performing seemingly sensitive & religious actions (helping the poor & needy, being spiritual counselors, giving lectures & seminars, writing books….).

They cloak harmful behaviors such as controlling, coercing, judging, misleading…. in false ‘righteousness’, & will justify intimidating or belittling others using platitudes & religious jargon. They’re the ultimate hypocrites.

NEXT: N. Types (#2)

PREVIOUS: Levels of N (#2)

POSTs : Psychological Disorders #4 – 6

THESE last categories will be the focus of the rest of this series, so here will only be briefly summarized.

1. HEALTHY N
2. STABLE N

3. DESTRUCTIVE 
This group has abusive attitudes & behaviors that harm self & others.
They devalue, lacks empathy… & create frustration in almost everyone who has to deal with them.  This is an easy way to identify them – by the negative reactions they create in others, similar to NPDs (Type 4)

UNPRODUCTIVEs :
“Unproductive Ns retreat into their own world & blame others for their isolation. Ns are unproductive when, lacking self-knowledge & restraining anchors, they become unrealistic dreamers. They nurture grand schemes & harbor the illusion that only circumstances or enemies block their success.
Grandiosity & distrust are the N’s Achilles heel, so even brilliant Ns can become self-involved, unpredictable, & in extreme cases paranoid.” ~Michael Maccoby link

Therapist Steven Johnson believes that Ns are “good people tortured by psychological injury & crippled by arrested development, robbing them of the richness of life they deserve. They are living & suffering the narcissistic style”
Gestalt practitioner Linda Martin’s response:   “To only stress their suffering could lead to sentimentality & collusion.”

Destructive MANAGERS
✧ Confidence : Grandiose, overblown, unrealistic
✧ Consistency : Lacks values, is easily bored, often changes course
✧ Foundation : Traumatic childhood undercutting true self-esteem, and/or learning they doesn’t need to be considerate of others
✧ Power : Pursues it at all costs, & lacks normal inhibitions in its pursuit
✧ Relationships : Concern is only expressed in socially appropriate ways when convenient & useful. Devalues & exploits others without remorse.
= = = = = =

4. PATHOLOGICAL
This level includes several PDs – Cluster B personality disorders – such as Anti-social (the most severe form), Borderline, Histrionic & Narcissistic. PDs represent a way of thinking & feeling about oneself & others that very negatively affect how someone functions in most parts of their life.
“Pathological forms of competitiveness show themselves in many, many areas of human activity. EXP: They’ll go from failing to give others credit for their contributions <– to –> outright plagiarism or stealing of other’s ideas.” ~ Michael H. Stone (2008)

NPD levels
1.  Mild : Obvious problems in many interpersonal relationships & social roles, & in the performance of expected work, but with some areas still functioning. It’s usually not associated with substantial harm to self or others.
✴︎ At this level, such people are capable of achieving the admiration they crave, to gratify their grandiose needs (self-importance). They may function successfully throughout most of their life, but are vulnerable to a breakdown with advancing age as they get less & less attention (N supply)

2. Moderate : Marked problems in most areas of functioning, across a wide range of situations, sufficiently severe that most are not very functional. It’s usually associated with a past history & future expectation of harm to self or others, but not to the degree that it has / will cause long-term damage or endanger life.
✴︎ At the mid-level, their grandiosity prevents any interest in true intimacy

3. Severe : Intense problems in inter-personal functioning, affecting all areas of life. Their overall social dysfunction is profound, with little or no ability or willingness to perform expected work & social roles.
It’s usually associated with a past history & future expectation of severe harm to self or others that caused long-term damage or endangered life – & will again.
✴︎ At this lowest level, their persona also includes borderline personality traits (BPD). Their sense of self is generally unstable & scattered, reeling between pathological grandiosity & being suicidal. ~ Kenneth Levy (2012)

MALIGNANT Ns are even more dysfunctional than NPDs, but not quite AsPD (anti-social). “These lower functioning NPDs (more like sociopaths) will constantly bend the rules for themselves, while outwardly criticizing others for doing the same negative things. They have no remorse for the effects their abuses have on others, & use many rationalizations for their manipulations.” ~ Payson

PSYCHOPATHs – have no ethics, & so don’t need rationalizations.  For them life is a game – figuring out ways to get what they wants now, by whatever means necessary. Since they don’t go by anyone else’s rules, so as far as they’re concerned there are no violations, no exploitation.
They make up their own as they go along, duping whoever they can, shamelessly lying their way in and out of schemes, always ignoring or absolutely indifferent to, the damage they cause. ~Steve Becker

NEXT: N. Types #1