Author: dmtorbi

Childhood PLAY – FORMS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

kids playing

THERE are ALWAYS MORE
ways to play!

PREVIOUS:
Childhood Play- #2

 

FORMS of Childhood PLAY (cont)
2. Emotional
3. Mental

4. SOCIAL
Social P: a key part of fun activities, from the simplest romp or wrestling of young animals to the most humorous, complex banter of close adult friends.
The more children play with others – the easier they can move thru different social stages. How engaged they are & good at interacting with other children – can be observed, validated or corrected as needed.  Activities listed in Part 1

• Interacting in play-settings teaches children social rules, principles & standards…. such as give & take, reciprocity, cooperation & sharing.
Playing with others who are at different social stages also helps develop moral reasoning, to form a mature sense of their own values.play rules

Rule-governed P: by age 5-6, children like pretending, & playing formal games that have rules.  Piaget suggested this shows they’re about to shift into the next stage of mental & practical functioning, which requires an understanding of guidelines.
EXP: Follow the Leader, Red Rover, Simon Says, baseball and soccer….

Most children progress from a self-centered view of the world to understanding the importance of social agreements which includes rules – that the ‘game of life’ has laws we all must follow to function productively

Competitive P: a variation of all games, where children compete as well as co-operate (follow the rules), take turns & work as a team (Chutes and Ladders, Little League….). This can be a lot of fun if the child wins, but they’ll need help dealing with losing
Recapitulative P : allows the child to explore ancestry, history, rituals, stories, rhymes, fire/light & darkness. Enables them to access Playing from earlier human eras

Transformative P (integrative): With many new experiences & a great variety of infcreate newo, children learn that imagination can improve & go beyond the ordinary in life, & what’s known so far in the world (mulling over a problem, daydreaming…..)
This can form the seeds of new ideas & create a higher state of knowledge, like Einstein seeing himself happily riding on a sunbeam at the speed of light
Brain imaging technology tells us : Play + Science = Transformation

👥    👥  👥
Early GENDER DIFFERENCES 
• Culture – In some, boys are separated from girls at a very early age. In others, there’s little concern for gender segregation, so in nursery school they play in same-sex groups (Western Europe) (Fagot, 1994)

• Family / culture – Parents treat boys & girls differently, based on society’s norms. Also, they respond according to how much they like each child – because of the child’s personality & how similar they are to each parent (narcissism)

• Nature – Gender preferences in types of play can be seen at about age 2 – by their ownboys & girls choice.
Male & female brains are wired differently in significant ways, which show up right from the start
EXP of how nature effects a child’s perceptions: By age 4 children can tell the difference between the sexes but don’t yet know that gender is a constant
BOYS
• are hard-wired for spatial-mechanical play, so need more physical space & will may ‘bounce off walls’ when confined
• don’t hear as well as girls, so may need adults to speak up or tap an arm to get their attention. When an instruction is ignored, they can be asked to repeat it back to the adult
• need time to finish an activity before moving on to the next
• mock fighting is natural at this stage, an early form of male bonding
GIRLS
• usually gravitate to dolls, stuffed animals & art materials. Higher levels of oxytocin encourage girls to love & care for their dolls, which boys only see as inanimate objects to be thrown around
• verbal skills develop early, boys later
• tend to use all their senses, while boys rely mainly on visual cues
• may ‘flirt’ with dad – showing love for Father, & a healthy identification with Mother.

“BRAIN SEX: The Real Difference Between Men and Women” Anne Moir & David Jessel, PhD:

NEXT: Childhood Play – STAGES – #1

Childhood PLAY – FORMS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

play formsI HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS
for playing with my fiends               

PREVIOUS: Childhood Play – Forms, #1

SITEs:  Science & Human Play

✦ Child Development Theories


FORMS of PLAY in Childhood (cont.)
1. Physical

2. EMOTIONAL / Psychological
Attunement Play (P) – is when a connection is being formed between newborn & mother, as she makes faces & funny noises, tickles, rubs, sings….. AND as the infant makes eye contact with mother, causing a mutual surge of joy.
This can be seen on EEGs…: the right cerebral cortex, which organizes emotional control, is “attuned” in both mother & infant

Quiet P – activities useful when the child is tired or needs ‘down time’ but not sleep. Can often be conducted in one place, such as looking at books, working with blocks, coloring, finger painting, using play dough…..

Constructive P – psychologically, the child is able to form something new from available materials, which gives them a sense of accomplishment & empowerment – that they can be in control of or have an effect on their environmentparasail

Deep P – allows the child to face risky or even potentially life-threatening experiences, to develop survival skills & conquer fear (rock-climbing, para-sailing, jumping from a platform in a harness, zip- lining….)

Symbolic P – allows the child to be in control, gradually exploring & increasing its understanding without the risk of being out of their depth (educational video games, virtual driving practice, ‘scuba diving’ in a pool or shallow pond….)

3. MENTAL  / Artistic
Imaginative, Fantasy or Socio-dramatic Play – ‘rearranging’ reality as the child pictures it, where conventional rules that govern the physical world do not apply.
Somewhere in the preschool years, children begin using make-believe to invent scenes & act them out – “dress-up, doctor, restaurant, princess, pirate…”. In early ages they usually play alone, with dolls & may have imaginary companions, but sometimes with adults.
Later they incorporate other children. pretend play(See “Social Play”) Creative Play allows for new responses, transforming information, becoming aware of new connections, & an element of surprise

First Pretend Play:  Typically 15 – 21 mths.
It’s when children use a toy copy of an object or person & treat it the way they would the real thing . Piaget believed this kind of play was an important indicator of a child’s capacity to use symbols. For a boy, perhaps a train – be the conductor, for a girl usually a doll – pretend-feed with spoon…).

Substitute Pretend P:  Between ages 2-3 children start using objects to stand for something altogether different, such as a carrot-&-stick as imaginary a violin-&-bow.
This type of P. is key for innovation, creativity & nourishing the spirit. In a risk-free environment, as children grow, there will be many opportunities to practice developing needed abilities

However, deprivation & trauma inhibit or prevent learning many of the following ‘normal’ skills:
• able to practice using coping tools, which come from trying out new roles & possible situations
• learn to take turns, co-operate, share
• develop abstract & flexible thinking, to understand & use amounts, numbers, place, symbols, time…. (essential knowledge in an ever-more technological society)

• experiment with language, use new words or word-combinations to express ideas, concepts, dreams, emotions & histories
• stretch the imagination to create ideas & stories beyond the here-&-now
• form a sense of how others think (learning patterns, not mind-reading)
• learn how to function in the greater community, which helps to understand & trust others

Communication P – children who are comfortable manipulating objects & materials also become good at manipulating language, ideas & concepts. They Play using words, puns, debates, jokes, poetry, nuances.  ALSO with gestures, mime, making fun of, play acting, singing…..

Narrative P – storytelling is how most kids love to learn, & is considered the unit of human understanding, so it’s important to healthy early development.
It teaches about other places & societies, develops the intellect, makes sense of the world & one’s particular place in it, passing on tradition while indirectly teaching social mores & values.

NEXT: Child Play FORMS – #3

Childhood PLAY – FORMS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

play stagesAS I GROW & DEVELOP
I can try lots of new ways to play!

PREVIOUS: Play – Intro #2

BOOK: A Playworker’s Taxonomy of Play Types, 1996

SITE: National Institute for Play

 

FORMS of PLAY in Childhood 
Research shows that playing is critical to healthy brain development.  It is as fundamental a childhood need as parental love, good food, sleep, healthy social interaction, & the fulfillment of emotional needs. Failure to learn play-skills early on can lead to problems with peers & in the classroom. Play is so important to optimal child development that it has been recognized by the UN High Commission for Human Rights as a right of every child. (General Assembly Resolution 44/25, 11/20/89)

• The idea that play is ‘natural’ & has ‘value’ for children is a relatively new social awareness. Its roots are in the European Enlightenment & Romantic eras, from the writings of Rousseau, Pestalozzi & Froebel…(1750s to 1850s). It’s a powerful motivator for learning because it’s enjoyable, self-initiated, engaging, active, & lets kids discover knowledge in their own way.

NOTE – re. TIME: being aware of it, managing it, harnessing it – are not some of the skills Play is involved in or teaches. The whole point of play is that there are no time limits, no deadlines & getting so caught up in it that ‘time flies’!
> That’s why some adults say that their jobs don’t feel like work: it’s fun – for them, and so absorbing they lose track of time.

THESE are not all listed by age but rather by category.baby parts
1. PHYSICAL  (Self & things)
Body Play – when infants explore how their body works & interacts with the world, preparing them to think in motion & in 3-D. Self-movement & play lights up the brain, structures our knowledge of our environment, & prepares us for the unexpected or unusual

Sensori-motor / Functional Play – it’s considered the first actual form of play, & continues thru childhood. Babies use early reflexes, then gradually become more deliberate as finer motor skills develop. Babies enjoy shaking a rattle, splashing in the bath, dropping objects repeatedly from a high chair….. & by age 1 they spend most of playtime exploring & manipulating objects (rolling a ball, dragging a pull toy)

puzzlesConstructive P –  by age 2+ children start to manipulate their environment to create & build things, which takes up nearly half their play time between ages 3 – 6.  It provides Practical info:
by experimenting with objects & ‘parts’, including drawing & music, learning how things fit together, what works & what doesn’t…. Piaget suggested it’s the foundation for understanding the rules that govern physical reality

Mastery P – emerges around age 4-5, when the child learns to control physical parts of the environments & how they function
EXP: run & jump over obstacles on a playground while pretending to be a cartoon superhero

Object / Exploratory P – which uses infinite & interesting sequences of hand-eye manipulations & movements. It a way to express curiosity & gather factual information from handling physical things…. Hands playing with all sorts of objects helps the brain develop beyond manual dexterity.
🔆 Object Play in the young is correlated with effective adult Problem Solving skills

Exploratory P – gathering factual information from activities such as handling, throwing, banging or mouthing objects (size, shape, feeling….)
Loco-motor P – movement in any or every direction for its own sake
EXP: running in circles, zooming around with arms out like an airplane…)

Active / Physical P – requires a good deal of energy, & is less about being social, although it does involves that, but more about movement. It helps children develop gross & fine motor skills
EXP: throwing & catching balls, climbing frames, riding a bike…)

Rough and Tumble P – physically close encounters, less to do with fighting & more about touching, tickling & gauging relative strength. It helps children discover flexibility & the exhilaration of showing off.

NEXT: Play FORMS (Part 3)

Childhood PLAY- Intro (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

fantasy 2
THE MORE I LET MYSELF PLAY
the healthier my kid & I can be

PREVIOUS: Children & Play – Intro (Part 1)

BOOK:“Play, Stress & the Learning Brain”

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💠 LEARNING STYLES -via NLP (#1)

💠 ACoA INVENTORY – WRITE what comes up for you as you carefully read thru each Benefit type.
As an adult: In spite of childhood trauma, & looking at your life-long patterns, identify which skills have always come easily / naturally, where you’ve excelled, which ones you’ve been working at the most, & what needs improving

cognitiveBENEFITS of Childhood PLAY
Positive Play experiences help children develop emotions & connections, sensing & moving, listening & talking, thinking & remembering
a. COGNITIVE skills
> Critical thinking – play encourages learning how to problem-solve, along with concepts like cause-&-effect, quantities & spatial relationships
> Creativity & Imagination – pretending to be doctors, teachers, parents, firefighters, astronauts….. kids learn that life is full of possibilities & opportunities

b. LANGUAGE skills
> Language – develops together with play as the brain grows & children use words while playing with toys & engaging in joint activities, expanding the ability to think & understand  (chart)language

• Both language & make-believe play involve the ability to represent the world mentally to oneself, so their developmental are parallel. Children play with:
— Sounds and noises // Linguistic systems (meanings of grammatical constructions) // Rhymes and words //  Conventions of speech. (MORE….)

c. MOTOR Skills
motor skills> Fine-motor – are developed by handling & manipulate objects – toys, books, art supplies, small animals
> Gross-motor – by being able to balance, catch, climb, crawl, jump, reach, run,  throw, walk…. when playing

d. SOCIO-EMOTIONAL Skills
> Social – Play helps build relationships, which children master by learning to follow directions, cooperate, take turns, share & obey the rules. It’s one way they learn about & practice living in their world & culture

> Emotional – spending time with safe adults, siblings & other children helps children learn about emotions – how to identify & manage them, as well as recognize & appreciate the feelings of others. It also helps them manage & cope with emotions when upsetting things happen

Social & Mental Disorders Increase as Play Decreases
• Unfortunately this vital part of growing up (play time) is being eroded – not only by the trauma of daily life in severely dysfunctional homes, but by a widespread systematic shift in our schools to ‘accomplishment’ – Doing rather than Being.

A study by the Alliance for Childhood “Crisis in the Kindergarten” tells us that free play or ‘choice time’ in most of them has dwindled to the vanishing point (30 min or less a day), replaced by lengthy lessons & standardized testing (about 2-3 hrs, daily)

• At a WonderPlay conference in 2008 Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, a Temple U. psychologist told her audience that lack of play in early childhood education “could be the next global warming,”. Without enough time to develop innovation & creative thinking via PLAY, America’s children will be at a disadvantage in the global economy. (MORE…)emotional problems

• Peter Gray’s book, Free to Learn (2013), tells us that for more than 50 years now, Americans (& other ‘advanced’ countries) have gradually reduced children’s freedom to play – which is correlated with a rise in childhood emotional problems

• Children are required to spend more time at schoolwork, & then are channeled into adult-directed after-school activities & lessons, with little or no time to explore on their own.
>> The decline in this freedom is showing up as an overall decline in empathy & a rise in narcissism, documented since the late 1970s by standardized questionnaires given to samples of typical college students (MORE….)

• Competitive, self-conscious parents are behind the emphasis on formal learning in preschool, more homework in elementary school & more pressure on young children to quickly gain academic skills.
Consequences are potentially dire, says psychologist Michael Thompson. He believes that diminished time to play freely with other children is producing a generation of socially inept young people, & is one reason for high rates of youth obesity, anxiety, ADD & depression.

NEXT: Childhood Play – FORMS (Part 1)

Childhood PLAY – Intro (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

fantasy landTHERE’S SO MUCH TO DO!
Games by myself, games with friends….

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Play (#5)

SITE: Scientific Benefits of Play

BOOK: “Cycles of Power” ˜ Pamela Levin (Developmental Stages)

QUOTE: “Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet, & the winds long to play with your hair.”  ~ Khalil Gibran

📕 Maria Montessori said “Children’s play is their work….”,  and modern play therapists added “Toys are their words”. Children are concrete learners, & must experience their world through all their senses in order to make sense of it.
At it’s best, a child’s world is filled with the magic of exploration, discovery, make-believe & play – vehicles for development. Play is the most important activity in their lives – sometimes more desired than food & sleep

• Actually, IF given the opportunity – Play is one of the most powerful tools children have for trying out & mastering new ideas, skills & activities. Much of their early learning comes through self-discovery, an outcome of play. It gives the opportunity to figure out -on their own- confusing social, emotional & intellectual issues.
By coming up with new ideas & solutions during play, they gain a positive attitude toward learning, & a sense of empowerment by being in control of their small world, rarely available to them later in real life.

Normal BRAIN Development
Although we’re born with basic genetic wiring, most of our synaptic connbrain developmentections form in early childhood. This process is shaped by internal & external experiences, & guided by the emotional bonds created between parent & child

So it’s very important to provide a loving family, warm home, with special attention (affection, playing…..), & appropriate education – to ensure healthy brain growth that will lead to a child’s optimum mental, emotional & social development. (Brain Development in Children  – detailed by age & style)

0 – 1.5 yr: Almost all neuron (nerve cells) are present at birth, but most are not yet formed into networks. Greatest growth is seen in sensori-motor & visual cortex, & then the frontal lobe. Piaget’s “practice play” reflects the development of these areas

1.5 – 3 yrs: Synapses continue to expand, reaching about 1,000 trillion – twice the density of the adult brain. so the toddler brain is twice as active.

3 – 6 yrs:  Fastest growth period for the frontal lobes. Processing speed, memory & problem solving increases
6-9 yrs: The synaptic connections in motor & sensory areas are firmly established. Elimination of synapses (pruning) in these areas has begun.  Children’s levels of attention & ability to modify impulses increases.

LEARNING STYLES (via NLP)
Everyone is born with a dominant sense – sound, sight, or touch. Less common are smell & taste. V.A.K. list of Preference //  V.A.K. Test  //  Examples:learning tree
Visual learners
> Statement : “Enough with the theories – just show me!”
> Play activities can include computers, CDs, DVDs, charts, diagrams, maps, reading & writing, photography, movies & video

Auditory learners
> Statement : “That doesn’t sound right to me” 
> Play activities can include debating, puppet shows, reciting songs or poems, story-telling, panel discussions, & the use of tape-recording for feedback & correction

Kinesthetic/Tactile learners
> Statement : “That makes me sick to my stomach!”
> Play activities can include demonstrations, dance, body games (rocking, field trips, modeling), play dough, playing instruments, sand play ….

PLAY & LEARNING: Studies at U of CA at Berkley look at ‘pretending’, which relates to what philosophers call “counterfactual thinking“, like Einstein wondering what would happen if a train went at the speed of light. It seems that children who are better at pretending can reason better about counterfactualspossibilities

❖ ‘Thinking about different possibilities’ has a crucial role in early learning – children at play are like pint-sized scientists testing theories.
They imagine how the world could / might work, predict various outcomes if their theories were true, then compare those ideas to what they actually see. Even toddlers turn out to be smarter than we’ve been assuming, if only we asked the right questions – in the right way. (MORE….)

NEXT: Children & Play – Intro (Part 2)

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

no timeNO TIME, NO TIME
for all that silly stuff! 

PREVIOUS : ACoAs & Play (#5)

SITE:: 7 Secrets of Dysfunctional Families (ironic)

QUOTE: “There is nothing that human beings do, know, think, hope & fear that has not been attempted, experienced, practiced or at least anticipated in children’s play” Heidi Britz-Crecelius (‘Children at Play’)

💠 ACoAs ‘NOT KNOWING’ what we like, or How to Play (Part 5)

💠 PLAY & the Wounded Inner Child (WIC)
ACoAs: Not taking time out to play is a lot like our great resistance to developing the daily habit of talking with our Inner Child. The same attitude applies to not building in down-time (just vegging) & play-time (doing something relaxing & fun).
We think: ‘Why do we even have play? Isn’t it an indulgence, a waste of time? Aren’t we always supposed to be busy DOING something productive?’ NO.

• Adult play is not a waste of time. It’s actually a necessary component of being healthy. In a busy & competitive world ‘normal’ adults have forgottenhealthy vs not to play the way they did as kids, & need to be reminded of the freedom & benefits of spontaneous enjoyment.
But most ACoAs don’t have those ‘good times’ to look back on. WE didn’t have much of a chance to play – too busy care-taking, while being terrified, isolated & hiding from real danger!
WE:
• were programmed to live un-healthily, & play was not in it
• say we can’t decide what to do (but our Healthy kid knows!)
• are afraid to break any of the Toxic Rules
• can’t allow ourselves to have fun if our family members, or other loved ones, are in pain. We would feel guilty to not co-dependently suffer with them!

🦠 But it’s also understandable that some of us can’t find the fun in anything  – if we’re severely depressed or ill, still live in an abusive environment &/or are always worried about something serious ($$, lack of work, an ill child or parent, an angry spouse…. )

Just like we can’t let love in when we feel unsafe, we can’t feel free to play with too much anxiety.  Even the idea of Play doesn’t make sense to us – at first. John Bradshaw reminds us that ACoAs were forced to become Human Do-ings instead of Human Be-ings. So as adults it scares us to just BE, either doing something we like – or nothing, once in a while.

BTW, this is not the ‘nothing’ of depression or laziness, which is actually fear & hopelessness. Rather it’s the Be-ing of pleasure! It comes from feeling relief, being in our own skin instead of in someone else’s head.
It’s being good to ourselves, knowing we are safe.
And that safety comes FROM :
a. finding the right person & style of therapy, 12 Step meetings & books, mentors & friends – to set an example & give us the correct info about our past and what Mental Health is
b. our own persistent efforts to use all the tools at our disposal, including ‘constant contact’ with the IC
c. having a daily, deep connection to a safe, loving Higher Power Who supports us in the healing process

REQUIREMENTS for being able to Play
As we heal we can add recreation into our schedule. It may be uncomfortable for a while, but as with so many things, repetition makes it easier, & then becomes the new norm. For healthy play & ‘good, clean fun’ we need TO:
• carve out or use available free time to ‘waste’ on fun
• not be under pressure to produce anything in particular
• have a measure of control & autonomy over our choices – not compulsively obeying our self-destructive Family Rules nor follow someone else’s lead
• practice using our native imagination &/or skills for play

Ultimately, we need a decent amount of self-esteem (for internal permission), a relatively low-level of anxiety (at least at play-time).
💓 Don’t wait for some magical future time when you’re ‘well enough‘ – to have some fun & relax. Start slowly, but start now.

NEXT: Childhood PLAY (Intro)

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 5)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 4)

QUOTES: “Combinatory play seems to be the essential feature in productive thought.” ∼ Albert Einstein
“If you want creative workers, give them enough time to play”  ∼ John Cleese


💠 REACTION to growing up in a dysfunctional environment (Parts 3 & 4)

💠 ACoAs ‘NOT KNOWING’ what we like, or How to Play
1. Having a parent who was:
• a drunk – whether active, hung over or temporarily dry – they weren’t paying attention to who we were or what we liked (no mirroring)
• angry at having to be a parent at all, so we were left us too much alone, with little guidance to figure things out for ourselves – way too young
who was :
• immature & needy, who overtly or by default expected us to take care of them, so their needs & wants bdrunk dadecame our only concern
• so depressed/ sick/ scared…. making the atmosphere heavy, gloomy
• overbearing, who demanded, coerced, manipulated or shamed us into only wanting/ liking what they did, so we never learned what our tastes are
who was :
• mentally ill (especially if it was the mother), chaotic, greatly neglectful & depressed.
They could not be a role model for sane thinking – so we didn’t learn to process info correctly, have options, think for ourself or know our feelings & preferences
• deceased or went away (by divorce or deliberate disappearance), & the remaining one was too overwhelmed &/or busy working to pay attention, so we didn’t get to interact enough with a adult, much less a safe one

2. Re. Siblings – IF:
• one (or more) died before we were born, it was held up as the perfect model no other child could compete withproblem sibling
• one was always a bully, abusive, demanding
• one was physically or mentally ill, their problems were the main parental focus
• one was a parental favorite, only what they liked had value (‘golden child’)
• we had to care for younger ones, only their needs counted

3. We were:

• blatantly discouraged from taking any time for ourselves, to relax
• belittled for not knowing how to do something correctly – the 1st time! which made us reluctant to try anything new, assuming we’re incapable of learning (too stupid) or that we’ll be punished & ridiculed
• rarely or never given the opportunity to do leisure activities as a kid
We were
• so preoccupied with keeping the family from falling apart, that we felt guilty if we rested or took the time to do something we enjoyed
• not allowed our emotions at all, or only certain ones that were acceptable to the adults (being ‘up’, being sullen or angry), so we had to shut down both painful feelings as well as our joy
• left alone so much that we felt abandoned & depressed, not motivated to entertain ourselves – except perhaps as a form of escaping painful emotions – not an an ingredient for having fun!
We were
• too anxiety-ridden to play – fearful, worried, confused, lost AND simply not allowed to relax & have a god time!
• ignored – no one in the family bothering to play with us or show us the way by example, unless it was unhealthy – going out on the town while leaving us alone, drunken parties at home that ended in verbal &/or physical fights, being unfaithful, hanging out with their buddies…..
ALSO
• Certain ‘leisure’ activities – that are supposed to be play or fun – were poisoned because they were forced on us – by parents, teachers, leaders, mates…
Were you forced to practice an instrument? have sex with an inappropriate person you were supposed to trust (& you hated) ? take sports lessons you weren’t suited for or not interested in?
OR did you have a limitation or disability which was made fun of in gym, on the playground, at home?

PLAY is a necessary & normal part of childhood that we were deprived of OR which became connected to some type of pain.

NEXT: ACoAs & PLAY-ing (Part 5)

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs

 

PREVIOUS:
ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 2)

 


ACoA LAUNDRY LIST’s False Self characteristics (cont)

e. ACoAs feel ‘different’, creating a wall that isolates us
This prevents many of us from making the effort to reach out to others, search for appropriate venues that can provide relaxation, or for opportunities to play & have fun, whether recreational or educational. If we do try, we often end up picking controlling narcissists, reinforcing the need to withdraw

f. ACoAs are afraid to relax, let go & have fun
As much as we may take pride in being the good, responsible one, we’re internally at war. We may frown on others we label as silly, childish or lazy, but are deeply envious of them for having a freedom we don’t allow ourselves

g. ACoAs are impulsive
The opposite of spontaneity. Impulsive is when we do or say things it seems we have no control over, & can’t stop even if mascotwe say we ‘want’ to. It comes from the WIC’s intense anxiety caused :
• by a constant push to get a huge backlog of unfulfilled needs met – the only way the child knows how, without boundaries or guidance

• but misdirected or short-circuited by toxic unconscious beliefs – nit allowed to actually have needs, because we’re just to-o-o much (for our parents to manage!).
This impulsivity includes any type of ‘recreation’ that ultimately harms us in PMES ways. We act out & then feel ashamed, OR are convinced we’re ‘free’ to do whatever we want

It’s about looking for immediate rather than deferred gratification: “I want it NOW!” because to the WIC any delay absolutely, unequivocally means “NO, you can’t have it & never will!”
Suggested Affirmation: “Delay is OK”. If we’re brave enough to ask for something realistic we want, most of the time it turn out well enough.

💠 REACTION to growing up in a dysfunctional environment
a. Many of us turned out to be compulsive, over-responsible worker bees, doing something we hate or are bored with, trudging thru life trying to be perfect, but never quite making it. No time for play, unless we consider participating in addictions as a way to relax. Obviously not real fun.

b. Some of us decided early on to give up & not really try at all. Hide & be safe, don’t rock the boat, don’t stick your neck out. No fun here.

c. And then there are those of us who are openly rebellious – “addicted to excitement” but not actual fun – the flamboyant addicts, promiscuous, belligerent, running wild, never finishing our education, never sticking to anything long enough to become accomplished, terrified of being trapped, controlled, of even committing to a book – much less a satisfying job or relationship….

• To the rest of the world this third group may seem to be living it up. They do whatever they want, get away with ‘murder’ & play all the time. NOT SO. Sometimes even this type of ACoA may think so too while in the middle of it, but it wears thin over the years. The internal foundation is built with inferior material – not ours but what was given to us by our limited family & community. It’s cracked & crumbling. This is not fun.

BTW, If you identify with any one of these 3 group, & are reading this, presumably you’re in the process of healing your wounds & working to outgrow the category. You deserve a lot of respect & encouragement!

encouragement• However, some of you may say – “I’m an ACoA & don’t fit into a. b. or c. I have a decent life I’ve carved out for myself – family, career, some accomplishments, some travel…. & I know how to have fun & play.”

Response: “GOOD! You’ve used your own native skill & drive to achieve these things, & have a lot to show for it. Have you built it all on your Tue Self? Are you content & relaxed?
Are you free of addictions, perfectionism & S-H? Or do you over-do for others & under-feel – for yourself? How’s your sleep & anxiety level?

NEXT: ACoAs & Playing (Part 5)

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

rain on meI DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY –
only to be compulsive, never relaxed

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Playing (#2)

 

💠DEFINITION (Parts 1 & 2)
   

💠 ACoA LAUNDRY LIST’s False Self related to PLAY

• One of the many sad results of having a traumatic childhood is that we were & are still deprived of the joy of relaxing thru playing & having fun. As a result of our damage we fall into several categories (lifestyles) which seem very different, but underneath each has the same problem – our WIC listening to the Negative Introject, believing the Toxic Rules:

“Life is hard / you have to suffer / you can’t play until all your work is done / no one wants to play with you anyway / if you don’t like it you have to stay / don’t be yourself / the world is a dangerous place / you always have to struggle, but never get there!…..”

a. ACoAs guess at what normal is
Here ‘Normal’ means healthy, as opposed to ‘average’. We don’t realize that playing, relaxing & having fun are a legitimate & important part of being healthy, happy & well-balanced. “All work & no play makes Jack a dull boy”.

There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea that frowns on sex, & bans play. For years anthropologists have considered this tribe too dull to study, but finally someone did. Scholars still don’t know why the tribe developed this philosophy, but it’s certainly not one we should emulate! MORE…)

b. ACoAs have difficulty with intimate relationships
Everyone needs a certain degree of connection with other people, but the amount depends on one’s developmental stage, personality & on their current situation.
And while it’s perfectly normal & acceptable to play alone, playing with others requires a certain capacity for intimacy** to be ‘legitimate’ – since being in authentic play-mode means able to express the True Self without embarrassment or reservation.

This is not easy for ACoAs because our True Self got shrouded in shame & self-hate, making it hard for us to ‘let loose’ & let others get emotionally close to us.  ACoAs are more likely to put others in double binds: “I hate you – Don’t leave me!” OR “I need you – Don’t touch me!”

**INTIMACY: (IN-TO-ME-YOU-SEE) refers to a level of closeness where you feel understood & validated. Genuine intimacy with someone requires honesty, communication, vulnerability & reciprocity.
In relating to others, it’s the ability to connect our ‘deepest nature’ with safe & appropriate others, because we know there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the Real Me, so we’re not afraid of letting it be seen

c. ACoAs take themselves very (too) seriouslytoo serious
While other children were busy learning to relate, compete, play & develop social skills, we were learning the tough lessons of survival. Many of us never heard our parents laughing, joking or fooling around (unless drunk!)
The air was heavy, filled with the invisible energy of suffering. Life was a hard business & the tone in our house put a damper on anyone enjoying themselves.
So if we did try to play or have fun we were guilted for wasting time OR punished for being frivolous & attacked for being ridiculous, making it stressful & terrifying.

d. ACoAs over-react to changes they can’t control
Genuine play allows us to be in the moment, not knowing the outcome, not having to win, be right or perfect, & not “forcing solutions”.
EXP: when children play, they often change the out of control‘rules’(which they made up in the first place) anytime they feel like it

Adult play doesn’t always have to follow pre-set rules either, sp they can be thrown out the window if it’s more fun to not use  them. This is hard to allow ourself.

Children do need things to be stable & predictable in their every-day life, with clear rules & boundaries, something in very short supply in most dysfunctional homes. Chaos was the order of the day for us, so now we try to keep everything under tight control, which doesn’t fit in with playing. But PLAY is free-form.

NEXT: ACoAs & PLAY #4

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

A HAPPY CHILDHOOD
includes having fun

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Playing (#1)

SITES: Fostering Creativity

QUOTES: ✦“It is a happy talent to know how to play.”   ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

✦ “A lot of people say a lot things about creativity – what it is, how to enhance it, what it means….. Creativity is just play, and love”  ~ Kent Parkstreet (blogger…)

💠EXPANDED Def
a. PLAY (in general) (Part 1)

b. FUN: It is playful, often noisy activity which diverts, amuses or stimulates. Anything that is a source of enjoyment & pleasure
• IMP: this def. only refers to positive situations, rather than abusive ones such as ‘making fun of’ someone / ‘having fun at their expense’…../ or excited, violent activity ‘She insulted him & then the fun began’

• In these posts the two terms (Play / Fun) are used interchangeably. The key word in both is activity – behaviors we choose to do – because we like** them. However, while play is indeed an action – even verbal play (poetry, exchanging puns & jokes, lively discussions about favorite topics…),  fun can be either active or passive. We can have fun sitting in a comedy club or quietly on the beach. Play is more participatory, although it doesn’t always need others for it to be ‘legitimate’

These definitions raise several issues for ACoAs
When asked ** “What do you like?” too often the answer is “I don’t know”.
To an observer this can be confusing because, looking at our behavior, they see many of us as functioning & accomplished people, which is not how we think of ourselves.

In spite of childhood trauma, ACoAs have done things as adults – & some as far back as childhood – which we did like, even enjoyed. It could be anything :
• Artistic – acting, singing, designing …
• Sporty – acting, dancing, bike riding, hiking, baseball….
• Physical things – going to an amusement park, traveling, having sex…..

So why do ACoAs say we don’t know what we like?
It’s a response from our WIC, who is still ‘living in the past’ & still doesn’t have a clue – or more accurately is not allowed to “Know what I know”. Because of the family’s narcissism & addictions we didn’t get mirrored** correctly, or at all.
**Mirroring (most effective when given to small children, but can be provided at any age), is what we call ‘being seen’ – literally echoed.
It’s when someone outside of us is able to freely, accurately see who we are & then feed it back —
◇ without any mental or verbal distortion
◇ without adding their opinion, taste or bias
◇ without their need for us to be a certain way…..
…. just reflecting back to us who we are, the way we express ourselves, the way we see the world, the way we think, feel or do things

If this had been done for us when we were kids, we’d KNOW how are, & therefore have a lot less anxiety. Healthy PLAY is only possible with a minimum of background anxiety!

PLAY & TOXIC ROLES
Regarding down-time, each child was affected by & reacted to the family’s dysfunction in their own way, but it also lent a particular intensity to the ROLES we developed:
🔻 The HERO had to be ‘on’ all the time, being the serious adult right from the beginning of life, so not a lot of room for relaxing

tease🔻 For the SCAPEGOAT, ‘fun’ (for them) was hurting & humiliating (others) – in the guise of teasing “Just kidding !!”- verbal insults & arguing used to belittle, & pranks or games that could be dangerous

🔻 The LOST CHILD, often an Introvert by nature but not exclusively – stayed in the background, escaping, hiding, withdrew into daydreaming, reading, arts…. – their version of fun

🔻 Even the MASCOT, being cute & funny to keep everyone else’s spirits up, but at the cost of denying their fears. Their playfulness came from pain rather than joy, often tinged with sarcasm & meanness.

NEXT: ACoAs & PLAY-ing (Part 3)