PREVIOUS: Financial abuses

SITEs: “What is wrong with the person who is with a N”

POST: ▸ Self-esteem is not…

 

CORE ATTITUDE
Narcissists (Ns) don’t like to see see other people being happy. They’re jealous of your good life, so don’t want you to have it.
It’s a common misconception that abusers go for broken people. Actually – both Over & Covert Ns are attracted to the talented & competent, precisely for their strengths rather than their weaknesses.
The Overts – to break them & the Coverts – to leach off of them.

Ns are looking for the exact opposite of themselves. They’re desperate to keep their ‘supply’ coming. They can’t provide their own internal energy source, so become incredibly skilled at knowing who to go after.

Grandiose / Overt Narcissists :
☛ find it more entertaining to take down someone who’s impressive in some way, such as in their friendship circles or family
☛ only want to be with people who reflect well on themselves, because of the victim’s career, hobbies & talents

☛ thrive on the chaos they create for someone who had their life in order
☛ like to show off their partner in public, but be able to abuse them behind the scenes

☛ Ns enjoy the challenge of breaking  someone’s will. This includes destroying any strong support system (friends, family) which will threaten the Ns’ control

GREEN FLAGS – Overview of the positives Ns WANT you to BE :
❥ Compassionate = you care so much, all they have to do to hook you is spin a pitiful yarn that tunes into your empathy
❥ Competitive = you challenge their god-status, which triggers one-upmanship, so they can win at your expense

❥ Eye Candy = you need to be good looking (Ns have to be with beautiful people), even if they’re not that attractive
❥ Forgiving = you can let go of others’ mistakes, which gives the N a license to keep ‘sinning’

❥ Good listener = will pay attention to all their stories, lies & BS
❥ Idealist = as a dreamer you believe there’s good in everyone – easily taken advantage of
❥ Loyal = the N will make you loyal to them & then gradually question your loyalty, using false guilt to manipulate you

❥ Responsible = letting you make personal choices, then accusing you of selfishness
❥ Sexual = they want it, & act so passionate. They make it seem safe when they say you’re special, ‘differ­ent than anyone else’ in their life

❥ Smart = you’re a cover for ‘normal’. A clever person wouldn’t be with an evil abuser, right?
❥ Spiritual = you’ll be compassionate & trusting, rising above human foibles, believing your union was ‘meant to be’

Ns also WANT you to HAVE:
❥ Assets = a home &/or financial security is VERY appealing
❥ Children = being caring will make you a good parent – which the N doesn’t know how to be – so the N can look like a good family men / woman without doing the work
❥ Good career = better able to provide for the N

❥ Integrity = because you have good values, you’ll stay longer to uphold them. But it also makes the N want to break you so you won’t use your principles to challenge them
❥ Money = it’s a whole lot easier to take yours than to work for their own

HOWEVER: To be attractive AND attracted to a N, someone must also have underlying weaknesses in their personality structure, not part of their True Self. This may be very hard for N-victims to admit, but their continued addictive attachment to the N is proof. It’s someone :

🔻with unhealed trauma. The N figures out your specific needs & presents themselves as the great hero who will provide them & fix the hurt

🔻lacking a clear self-identity. Many functional, talented people do express abilities, but are missing a deep inner sense of their own true value (impostor syndrome)

🔻with weak personal boundaries. allowing them to be constantly violated. You obey the Toxic Rule “Other people’s needs are more important than my own”

🔻who doesn’t have a ‘happy, productive life’, so you make the N your whole existence, the magician who will heal your wounds, & therefore you never want to let go of

🔻not on your own side – so when the N is abusive, you stay attached instead of pulling away to honor the truth & take care of yourself

🔻terrified of abandonment, who will sacrifice sanity, freedom & peace, while tolerating all the abuse, chaos, drama & loneliness, dished out. (More….)

 NEXT : Victim Characteristics – #2