IF I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S RIGHT
everyone else is useless!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#2)

SITEs: 38 (unhealthy) Ways to Win an Argument w/chart

DEFs:
▶︎ Rightness = A belief or action conforming to facts or truth. What is most favorable or desired
❖ Self-righteous = Convinced of one’s own virtue ((being perfect & therefore superior, even when well-hidden from most others) which is in stark contrast to the actions & beliefs of society. Being narrow-mindedly, moralistic. ~ Webster’s dictionary

REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right (aBR) (cont. from Part 2)
PAST: We suffered thru an abusive, controlling & neglected upbringing, Constantly forced to give up our way of thinking, doing or feeling around a Right-ist – we gradually became less able to express ourself, seemingly less competent & articulate (brain-freeze).

We may have seemed stupid, making the bullying Right-ist even more convinced of their superiority. Flooded with fear & anger temporarily diminishes the capacity to use the frontal cortex, which is needed for thinking, decision-making & self-control.

• With some oppressive authority figures, BR was dangerous because it showed them up & was considered ‘arrogant’, slowly forming our belief that we don’t know anything

• With others, a way to survive & avoid punishment was to always get it right, prove it without mistakes & justify ourself – forming the assumption that we must know everything.

🚦Double bind: Many of us were constantly told we were ignorant / stupid / unteachable – while at the same time expected to take care of them as if we were adults trained in several professions!

NOW: Always having to be right can be used as a protective cover, giving us a false sense of stability & control. Projecting our scary childhood onto the whole world, we assume everything is still & forever unsafe, assuming we need to be perfect – to prevent further danger.
Still desperate to please so we won’t keep getting abandoned, we wobble on the fence between these 2 false beliefs (know everything, know nothing), inevitably falling off, inevitably feeling miserable. This original dilemma has left us with rage & S-H, alternating between rebellion & paralysis.

• Many grew up with one or more severe narcissist – who always had to have their way. Then some of us took up the Right-ist mantle & carry it forward, tromping on others as we were tromped on. (See Right-ist characteristics – Part 2)

— SUBTLE but pervasive – perfectionism is aBR in disguise. We can keep this obsession better hidden, but the obvious result is decades of procrastination. 

— BLATANT: Wanting & insisting on getting our own way most or all of the time – is the narcissism of the False Self, a common character flaw of wounded people (the majority!). We will push & push to get others to see that our way is the not only correct – but the only possibility.

• Feeling superior (aBR), we may not even realize our anxiety is temporarily relieved when we get our way: “I knew I was right! Now that you’ve got that straight, we can go on.” It calms us – our security blanket in an unsafe world. But it’s a false solution because our damage is still lurking in the background, waiting for someone or something to set it off. Unhealed, we’re driven by old, deep terror.

• But like any addiction, having to BR is very stressful – always vigilant, afraid to make a mistake, never truly safe, never comfortable.
While outside it shows up as false pride – the need to feel important or better than everyone else – inside it’s driven by inadequacy & shame, which we may not even be aware of! Especially if we need to be seen as innocent, good & all-knowing.

We’ll use charm & manipulation alternating with anger & intimidation, to force our agenda on whoever we deal with . However, all we end up doing is alienating others by being high maintenance, or taking psychological prisoners of the insecure. In the process we sacrifice our own well-being.

NEXT : BR, #3b.