I’M WILLING TO MAKE THE EFFORT
of finding a way out of this tangle
PREVIOUS: DBs – Part 8b
ESCAPING DBs – requires:
• flexible thinking – giving up either/or (B & W) limitations
• a capacity to see beyond the obvious
• being curious & creative, willing to take risks
• having the courage to let go of the past & it’s ‘training’
🌱Find your own ways to “leave the field of the DB”. Be creative.
Use multiple visible & meta perspectives, which can make a difficult situation manageable. Distinguish between :
• ongoing life events (career – upper level meaning)
• a specific events (‘fight’ with boss – lower level) and
• the difference between them (the ‘fight’ isn’t going to end your career) you
Pick out positive parts of the DMs you can focus on & ignore the others: “Take what you like & leave the rest”, Al-Anon
🌱 Intense Emotional Attachment – The R’s anxiety of stepping outside the DB is the Fear of Abandonment – losing the symbiotic dependence on the S.
GOAL: become the center of our Adult universe (‘first position’):
• accept & love our Inner Child just as he/she is
• work to uncover our True Self
• practice emotional honesty
• own your strengths & accumulated knowledge
🌱 Doing vs Being – Separate your actions from your identity – they are not the same. We know this because there’s a big difference between how we act from damaged vs how we act from our Healthy Adult / Natural Self
🌱 Look for the Payoff – Our dilemma: while DBs really do trap us & we may complain bitterly about not ‘getting anywhere’, many ACoAs are so used to being stuck & uncomfortable they won’t do anything to change it. What’s familiar FEELS ‘comforting’ – & we hate feeling uncomfortable. SO – which is it? Are we comfortable or miserable in our DB world? Pick a side.
EXP: WIC / ACoA ‘logic’ =: If I’m damned either way, that gets me off the hook. “I’m crazy & irresponsible because my hormones are out of whack OR I’m manic-depressive, OR just plain lazy….”
SO – I don’t have to do hard / painful emotions work, I don’t have to take care of myself & still get to be loyal to the family. Yipeee! – NOT
COMPROMISE – There are always options, & not all compromise is bad! AND not a sign of weakness. It shows you care about someone or something beyond yourself.
• We don’t have to like some that can make the needed shift, but if they help us get un-stuck, they’re worth it. If we stop seeing every situation as all-or-nothing, we often find at least the start of a solution.
Aristotle noted that doing ‘virtuous’ things isn’t fun at first, but can become fun once you get in the habit. And to create the habit we may have to push ourselves. Since many of us are not allowed to be self-motivating, outside help to get past the inertia can be the incentive to get our engine turning over
EXP: we might be given the DB: “Don’t be childish – do what you’re told!” MEANING:
1. act like an adult, AND at the same time
2. be a child & obey, sometimes sweetened with “Besides it’ll be fun / feel good / work out, once you get going”…..
Pick a side – or a 3rd option – & stick to it!
PARADOX – A positive use of paradox can also be an escape from a DB. The Inner Child loves to do the opposite of what it’s told. Right?
• Can’t sleep, but desperately want to?
Decide to stay awake all night, to remove the pressure. You may stay up as long as you want, OR —> just not having to will do the trick, & soon your eyes will close on their own
• Afraid to go to a party?
Decide to only stay for 15 min & then leave. Removing the pressure of having to be on & being acceptable allows you to go, & maybe even enjoy it enough to stay a little longer. Or not. (From “No way out? 3 ways to help….” )
NEXT: DBs # 10