PREVIOUS : S & I – Separation #1

SITE: Object Constancy

 

DYSFUNCTION
Symbiotic, addictive families experience S & I as a betrayal of the family unit, &/or as a threat to its stability. This forces members to choose staying attached & co-dependently loyal over personal growth, which means sacrificing their unique personality & ability to act in their own best interest.
This is always a developmental dilemma which ends badly – either capitulating to the destructive family system or having to wrench away with great anger & pain on all sides.
🔻A familiar emotion for the adult-child then is guilt – if they dare break any of the Toxic Rules in order to grow
🔹And for the rest of the family – anger, & resentment, accusations, confusion (“why are you doing this – to US?”) and there’s often a persistent attempt at pulling the escapee back into the fold.

EXP: When a teen tries to cut the bonds holding them to their tribe, it can create big upsets for both child & parents. When teens are not allowed to successfully complete this process, they can rebel & do self-destructive things (acting out) – rejecting societal & family rules, & potentially try suicide.

Also, when adolescents are subjected to family stressors (drugs & alcoholism, separation, divorce, death of a parent &/or adding a step-parent….) without emotional & practical help to deal with those disruptions, their sense of grief & loss is is numbed out & then carried into adulthood, blocking the necessary process of S & I. (MORE….)

• There’s growing clinical evidence that adult psycho-pathology is related to a lack of healthy Separation (staying symbiotically attached), OR from having experienced too much Separation Anxiety as a small child (caretakers as safe & undependable).

Some Adult results
a. Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD) – a long-standing need to be taken care of & a deep terror of being separated from important people in their life (FoA). This leads the sufferer to act clingy, needy & submissive, which is unconsciously designed to make others want to take care of them. DPDs are convinced they can’t survive without constant outside help & validation. (MORE…)

• DPDs are passive & secretly resentful,  staying in destructive relationships for a long time, no matter how bad. They can act caring & sympathetic, but their main reason for being ‘nice’ is to get a return on their investments (get taken care of)

b. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has its roots in faulty childhood S & I. While BPD people have many of the same terrors as the DPD – mainly fear of abandonment – the differences are marked. Borderlines are likely to have frequent, intense & volatile relationships, while DPDs just quietly suffer .
• BPDs do a lot of come-here-go-away, idealizing people & then hating them intensely when their illusion is disappointed.  They have quick emotional shifts toward others, seeing their friends, lovers, even co-workers as positive supports or as cruel & punishing.

c. Psychopathic Personality Disorder (PPD). NOT to be confused with the Psychotic – which is being out of touch with reality.
Psychopaths make conscious, rational choices, using premeditated strategies that effectively serve their specific goals, no matter the cost to self or others.
The ‘problem’ is their lack of internal emotional connection, so they can’t understand or empathize with other people’s emotions.

“Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate & ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations, & empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience or feeling for others, they selfishly take what they want & do as they please, violating social expectations or rules, without the slightest sense of guilt or regret.” from Major Theories of Personality Disorder, M F. Lenzenweger & J.F. Clarkin.

HEALTHY SEPARATION shows up as :
a. having the right to be, & function from our True Self in all parts of our life,, and
b. still be able to get along with most other people, and comfortably, consistently stay connected to suitable loved ones.
And the latter (b) is dependent on the former (a).

NEXT : Healthy Individuation – #1