ACoAs & Emotional Immaturity (Part 3)

putting things off

I can’t seem to let them go!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Immaturity (# 2)


QUOTE:  “Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy. In fact, they are incompatible. One emotion hardly leaves room for the other.” Robert Heinlein

The most basic trait of an emotional immature person. Never equate arrogance with self-esteem! All expressions of S-H are self-centeredness.
• actions indicate little regard for the needs & point of view of others, yet actually have a very slight regard for ourself (hidden S-H)
• overly sensitive, but mainly for things done to us – real or projected, rather than caring about the effect we have on others because of what we do
IRONY – co-deps are overly focused on how others see us, BUT it’s still self-centeres narcissism

• preoccupied with our own ideas & fears, even when hidden by rescuing, hi-achieving, people-pleasing….. can result in social anxiety, from assuming everyone will judge, criticize & dislike usme. me. me
• take everything personally, trouble separating issues & situations from our ego or personal reactions to a topic, ‘hear’ discussions about issues through a filter that makes everything about us
• talk more than listen, steering all conversations back to us. Don’t take the time to be thoughtful, understanding, compassionate or empathetic —
alternated with being lost in thought (dissociated) or consumed with our own views, worries, & outcome of our troubles (obsessions)

• addicted to adrenalin, drama & various forms of dangerstimulus hunger
• demand instant results from ourselves & others, so have poor follow-thru. Our promising beginnings end in failure for lack of persistence, so our gifts & skills are often wasted
• have poor impulse control, & trouble with delayed gratification (“I want it now, now, now”- including Recovery!)
• have superficial values, & too concerned with trivia (appearance, social position, money & possessions, sexual desirability…)

• acting out our anxiety on family or relationship = self-blame, guilt & physical symptoms (body pain, auto-immune illnesses…)
BTW: This does includes the years in Recovery – but as long as we’re progressing, it’s OK no matter how slowly
• our sense of identity coming from the False Self
• staying loyal to our family by feeding our S-H, obeying Toxic Rules, acting from the Toxic Roles, using people / places / things as addictions
• trapped in our ‘story’ – using unproductive patterns of thinking & acting stuck in mudfrom childhood (repetition compulsion)

AGE is not the main basis for maturity. Many people live their whole lives as emotional babies, not always obvious on the surface.
Actual children ARE naturally immature.
But when ACoAs were young, we had to be little grownups so the ‘adults’ wouldn’t have to be loving & responsible parents. Most of our role models were wounded kids themselves, so we never had a chance to learn genuine maturity from them

• compulsively choose unhealthy, inappropriate friends & mates, as well as work, living, social environments
• OR accept any person or situation offered to us, without considering if we like it, if it suits us, how safe or healthy it is….
• focus most of our efforts on winning over people who are not interested in us, OR tolerating boundary invaders
• in most relationships we react in extremes (idealize or demonize)
• personal loyalty lasts only as long as the relationship is somehow useful
• having trouble with people important to us is usually caused by us being critical, impatient, over-reactive, having inappropriate expectations & making demands
• use relationships to manage our anxiety. Have a great need for a large support system so we don’t have to face & outgrow our abandonment issues

• Cognitive Distortions (CDs) are the mainstay of the immature (WIC’s) way of ‘understanding’ the world. CDs CAUSE:
• being stuck in flawed beliefs about ourselves (S-H) & others (judgmentalism)
• inappropriate actions or non-actions
• misreading & then mis-interpretation of social cues, so we ignore them completely or react badly from projecting our assumptions on to others
• not taking seriously any point of view different from our own . EXP: B & W thinking always leads to false conclusions

NEXT : Emotional Maturity – General

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