PREVIOUS : Type of LIARS (2a)

SITE :  Pathological Liar vs. Straight Shooter
😏 Saying : “Liar, liar, your pants are on fire”

“NORMAL ” vs. PATHOLOGICAL Lying (cont.)

◼️ Pathological
INTERESTING : Psychology & neuroscience provide clues to why some people lie up a storm, while others have trouble being dishonest or detecting dishonesty in others

😇 At one end of the spectrum are those rare individuals who can be described as “pathological truth-tellers.” They refuse to use socially convenient & appropriate fibs, but rather only speak the unvarnished, upsetting truth.
😝 This is a well-known pattern of some ACoAs –  blurting out whatever comes to their mind, (like a chid – “Look mommy, she so fat / he’s ugly….). Such unrecovered ‘normal’ ACoAs are desperately compensating for a severely dysfunctional upbringing, ✒︎ angrily insisting that everything be ‘fair’
✒︎ determined to tell whatever they observe, without boundaries
✒︎ getting back at family lying by outing them to the whole world
✒︎ not let anyone get away with any form of hypocrisy & deception

🧡 However, more commonly, it’s a well-known feature of people with high-functioning autism & Asperger’s Syndrome. Brain scans using fMRI show them to have less activity in areas of the “social brain“, so parts of the prefrontal cortex that should light up – don’t.”

They have a tendency to be very blunt & direct, honest to a fault. Also, they have trouble detecting falsity in other people’s words & actions, making them gullible, AND because they assume other people are as honest as they are, they’re vulnerable to anyone who looks to take advantage.
EXP: TV characters with Autism Spectrum Disorder.

😈 At the opposite extreme —> found in a portion of ‘normal’ people with long-term neglect & abuse, & ACoAs severely traumatized by years of physical & sexually torture.
“Pathological liars have a pattern of frequent, repeated & excessive lying, distinct from occasional dishonesty, with no apparent benefit or gain to them, which seems to defy logic.

What’s most puzzling is that it’s counterproductive. Spouting flagrant whoppers cause trouble in jobs, relationships, even with the law through self-incrimination! Stranger still, the blatantly falseness of their lies can easily be seen through. Not only is there no obvious personal benefit to the lies, but most of the time are easily disprovable.
Researchers speculate that pathological liars experience some sort psychological excitement from fooling others, an internal satisfaction that makes them keep it up, but it’s not known why, suggests Dr. Charles Dike at Yale U. & CT Valley Hospital.

Whether consciously or not – their lies may be triggered by a desire to avoid shame or conflict. It typically includes creating elaborate stories to impress others, & adding more lies when questioned. Pathological liars are characterized by 5 traits.
THEY:
🔻are great storytellers with vivid, dramatic, fantastic & detailed imagination
🔻 make lies convincing, since they’re natural performers
🔻 can end up believing their lies by constant repetition
🔻 will portray themselves as victims or heroes in the ‘stories’

🔻speak in generalities rather than specifics – most of the time, but especially when confronted, acting as if they don’t know what someone is asking them about. Avoiding direct answers, they never have get to the issue at hand, & can react against the challenge (“Who? not me !!  How dare you accuse me…. I never….”)

Recognizing pathological lying can be incredibly difficult, but a recent study published in Psychiatric Research and Clinical Practice developed a self-assessment scale that measures this pattern.  When taking this test, one indicates how strongly they agree or disagree with each item. MY LYING :
√ has caused severe problems in all my relationships
√ is very emotionally distressing
√ has put me or others in danger
√ is out of my control
√ tends to get bigger once I start
√ is for no valid reason
✤ After I lie, I feel less anxious

Pathological lying, with its persistent need to “make up stuff”, has a severely negative impact on one’s overall well-being, as the person gets tangled up  in their own web of deceit.
Some will admit to impaired functioning, being constantly stressed & in more danger – than non-liars – in their emotional, social, & professional life. Because their lies erode others’ trust in them,  genuine connections are not impossible.
In severe cases, pathological lying can lead to financial instability & legal troubles, further compounding the toll it takes on themself & their family.
SITE: Overcoming Pathological Lying

NEXT : Reasons we Lie (#1)

PREVIOUS : Type of LIARS (Part 1)

SITE :
“Why People Lie “

“NORMAL ” vs. PATHOLOGICAL Lying

🤍 WHITE Lies
 These are considered harmless, often well-intentioned lies told to spare someone’s feelings or avoid unnecessary conflict or discomfort. They usually have minimal consequences, & are generally socially acceptable. EXP: praising your aunt’s cooking—even if the meal wasn’t to your liking – to be polite & keep peace.

✐ People who tell white lies don’t think of themself as true “liars”
✐ They justify them as harmless – even beneficial – in the long run
✐ Will tell only part of the truth, so are not suspected of lying at all
✐ May use lying to shield someone from what they believe is a hurtful or damaging truth

Occasional liars
• These people seldom tell lies
• Are respected for trying hard to be truthful
• When they do lie, they’re so surprised or shocked that guilt overtakes them
• Humble enough to admit their mistakes
• Are quick to ask for forgiveness from the person they lied to

🩶 GRAY Lies
These don’t fit neatly into either White – since they’re more serious, but not Real, which  are malicious.
Gray lies can be used to avoid unnecessary conflict or discomfort, but don’t always have such pure intentions.
EXP 1 : By omission – leaving out important facts – which can be as deceptive as Direct ones, such as not mentioning to your friend that their partner has been flirting with someone else, even though you actually saw it.

EXP 2 : By exaggeration, which inflates or embellishes the truth to make a person or story more interesting or to impress others – such as boasting about how much you can bench press by overstating your strength & weight capacity.

Careless liars
• These people go about their normal lives, & easily lie whenever they can
• They aren’t concerned about trying to hide their lies, nor that these make sense
• Everyone knows they’re lying because they’re sloppy at it
• They have very few friends, because people get sick of their obviously twisted stories. 

🤎  REAL Lies
These are deliberate falsehoods, more deceptive, intended to gain personal advantage, conceal wrongdoing & manipulate others. They’re rarer, but planned & executed for a specific reason, possibly with negative social & legal consequences. EXP : falsely claiming that your phone was stolen — to get a replacement from an insurance company — when it was just lost.

Smooth Liars 
• They’re so good with words & body language that others tend to believe them, even when they have a reputation for being a liar
• They’re very entertaining & fun to be around, but when found out, tends to move on to others who they can apply work their dark talents on. 

Compulsive liars (Part 2b)
• Their lying is an addiction, often without a clear motive
• Most report an inability to stop themself, even when wanting to
• Tend to be their “normal” way of responding to any question

INTERESTING
🚩Research shows there are also gender differences in honesty.
♦︎ One paper suggests men are more selfishly dishonest than women. A meta-analysis of over 8,700 observations found that men tell more black lies (for personal benefit) and white lies (altruistic).

♦︎ It was also observed that men are more likely to deceive themself, believing they’re superior & so deserving of special treatment, driven mainly by the exploitative/entitlement facet of narcissism,
♦︎ And regarding self-regulation – men are more competitive, which is associated with a greater willingness to deceive.
Their conclusion : Men are generally more dishonest than women, anywhere it serves a self-interest, & especially in high-rival environments.
Women are less competitive, more guilt-prone, with greater moral-identity strength than men.

🚩 Another study found “a significant link between lying expertise & gender.” Men are twice as likely as women to consider themselves expert liars who get away with it, preferring to lie to your face rather than via text messages, with social media the least likely way.
Previous research concluded that most people tell 1-2 lies per day, but that’s not accurate – most do not lie daily.  40% of all falsehoods come from a small category of deceivers  – the ‘Prolifics’, who lie with impunity (without fear of punishment), especially to those closest to them.’ (MORE….)

NEXT : Type of LIARS (Part 2b)

PREVIOUS : Noticing Lies 

POST : “Why ACoAs Lie“

AUDIENCE : Someone can lie to 2 kinds of audiences –
— to other people or to themself
TOPIC : You can lie about 2 different categories of things
— facts (or what they believe to be facts) and their value, which are the attributes of the person you want to become.

PREVIOUS : LIES & LYING – Intro (Part 1)

Clients LYING in THERAPY 
People lie to their therapist more often than we think & most are lies of omission. It’s not easy to admit that we act against core beliefs from our upbringing, or opposed to how we see ourself (a ‘good person’). We resist confessing that we do & say things that shatter social moral codes, dishonor our values, & that we’re self-destructive or hurtful to others.
EXP : “I didn’t think it was relevant that I had a drug problem. That was two years ago!” // “Uh, did I forget to mention that I ‘m having an affair?”
People in therapy lie about all kinds of things, & these are just a few. ► It’s understandable that someone will leave out important facts about a part of their life = because it makes them feel ‘safer’, less humiliated. So they offer just enough information to get emotional supported or validation. They may think to themself about a serious issue : “That part is better kept secret. I’ll take care of it myself. I’ll tell them just so much, so they can still help me without spilling it all…..”

Anyone who lies to their therapist is wasting time & money. Clients may believe lying by omission is a form of self-preservation, but if they say they want to heal & grow – it’s a huge handicap. At best, it’s a distraction, & at worst a manipulative deception that prolongs their anxiety & self-sabotage. It either drastically postpones valuable progress, or totally derails the therapeutic process.

BUT – if you feel judged, criticized or ridiculed, you’re in the wrong place. Find a new therapist. (Modified article by Karen Kleiman)

Therapeutic Lying
a. DOCTORS
If “therapeutic” – means the healing or curative powers for treatment of disease or disability and
if “lying’ is making a false statement with the intention to deceive,
then lying is not therapeutic.
Roswell Park Cancer Institute states: “If there’s one thing sacred in the doctor-patient relationship, it’s trust. Open & honest dialogue on both sides is critical for effective care.

Patients have to be truthful to ensure diagnostic accuracy & an appropriate treatment plan, while doctors need to provide full disclosure about their patient’s health – the good & the bad – to help patients make informed decisions. Indeed, patient autonomy is the cornerstone of modern medicine & patient-centered care.”

Exceptions – Caring for dementia patients is complex. Lies that reduce suffering & stress in patients – unable to fully appreciate the cause of distress – can be beneficial. Clinicians sanction their use in these cases & see them as ethical & non-malfeasant.

EXP : A caregiver may tell an argumentative patient with Alzheimer & hypertension, who is worrying about where his wife is, that “she’s gone to the store”, rather than that “she died 7 years ago.” Here, the lie avoids a possible fight that may cause a rise in blood pressure.

Other options : Instead of lying to a dementia patient, it may be possible to validate the person’s concerns. OR by Redirection – diverting their attention to something pleasant. (much MORE…..)

b. PSYCHOLOGISTS
An under-researched topic is therapist dishonesty. Ideally, they have to use professional judgment in deciding what’s relevant, appropriate, & helpful to a client – regarding what to say or not. At times therapists also conceal, exaggerate, or explicitly mis-represent. Curtis & Hart (2015) found that 96% of canvassed practitioners reported intentionally keeping information from clients “in order to protect” them, & 81% reported directly lying.
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However, when looking at this list – we can see there are appropriate & legitimate situations where no disclosure is best.
And when necessary – information is communicated fairly, yet indirectly/partially, without burdening the client or without lying.

✍️ Traditionally, classic psychoanalysis means the therapist stays objective & anonymous, preventing them from any self-disclosing.🧡 But as the practice of treatment has evolved, therapist self-disclosure is now seen as a possible tool to help clinician normalize a client’s humanness. Admitting fallibility & modeling open expression – when used in moderation – may strengthen the therapeutic relationship thus encouraging client disclosures.

Naturally, not all therapist self-disclosure is beneficial. It’s imperative to maintain professional boundaries & keep the focus on the client. But many clients do respond positively to examples that reveal & clarify their issues, as long as those aren’t too private to the therapist, nor being used to elicit help & support from the client.

NEXT : Types of Lying , #1

PREVIOUS : Noticing LIES & LYING – Intro (Part 1)

SITE : Lie Detection & the Polygraph

HANDHELD “Portable Lie Detector /Deception Indicator”

Psychological Model of Lies
Motivation : Prosocial – to benefit others, or Antisocial – for purely selfish reasons.
Lying ability is identified from 3 sources: lying theory, neuro-imaging research, & experimental studies. It involves several cognitive processes : Inhibitory Control, Intelligence, Task switching, Verbal fluency & Working Memory.

Very important —-> Lies :
🔻 are associated with physical arousal
🔻 are linked with intense, painful emotions (often suppressed)
🔻 require greater cognitive effort than truthful messages
🔻 prompt liars to over-control their behaviors.

EQ expert Dr. Lansley at ‘Emotional Intelligence Academy’ says
“When we’re truthful, there is a consistency, flow, harmony & spontaneity between what we think & feel. All we have to do is remember an event & then describe it.

However, with a lie, there’s much more going on ‘under the hood’. A liar has to : ❁ Create the lie
❁ Remember any lies they’ve told in the past, so the new one doesn’t contradict them
❁ Assess whether their lie is being believed
❁ Try to show any appropriate actions & emotional displays that will support their story
❁ Control any behavior that would look out of place
❁ Commit the lie to memory to be sure they’ll be able to accurately retell it later (wikiHow “How to Lie”)

Categories
☞ Half-Truths – statements that offer only part of the truth, used deliberately to deceive someone.
☞ Exaggerations – statements that represent something as better or worse than it really is
☞ Complete Deception – causing someone to accept as true or valid what is false or invalid
☞ Pertinent Omissions –  information not included or action not done, either deliberately or accidentally.

1. CHANNELS = When lying, the constant flip-flopping between emotional stress & mental activity, with the intense competition for resources between the 2, can be overwhelming. This causes behavioral leakage (acting out) that betrays the liar across any one of the 6 channels of communication, which are a person’s  :

◆ Body : movements of all parts except the face
◆ Face : expressions formed in bulges, creases & furrows from movements of one or more of the 43 face muscles
◆ Inter-actional Style : how we say or write words & phrases
◆ Psycho-physiology : perspiration, temperature & breath rate.
◆ Voice : ‘music’ of the voice, including pitch, volume & tone
◆ Verbal Content : what we say or write

2. ABCs 
• Account  = the story someone’s trying to convey
• Baseline = the person’s overall behavior (see Part 1)
• Context = combined influence of the immediate micro setting (current questioning) ++ the broader macro context of culture, politics, events (what, where…_).
Leakage reactions, called Points of Interest (PIns), become very useful in lie-detection because they highlight inconsistent in the deceptive ‘story’, in contrast to the ABCs .

3. CLUSTERS – Successful Deception-Detection is all about groups of behaviors. Since no single indicator is proof of lying, PIns become important when clustered with other PIns, & when those don’t fit with with the ABCs ▲.
To form more accurate & reliable judgements, clusters are needed to cross-check or corroborate evidence via the communication channels ▲. This prevents over-reacting to only 1 or 2 indicators from the same channel
EXP: By themselves, Frowning + Pursed lips are not enough proof of lying. They could mean being confused or taking time to remember or evaluate the best/safest way to answer – without lying.

Clusters follow the ‘3-2-7 Rule’ to detect someone’s game :
✒︎ 3 PIns in the ABCs
✒︎ found in 2 or more channels
✒︎ within 7 seconds of the meaning point** of a stimulus** .
In other words, if you’re paying attention, & are in practice,
you can catch on that you’re being lied to 🤥 as fast as within 7 seconds of being surprised by a Q, a boundary-invasive probe or a convoluted explanation / story —->  by observing :
◆ 3 inconsistencies inside the comment or story presented
◆ which are expressed by 2 or more body ‘hints’ of the speaker.

** The ‘meaning point’ of a question is the moment a person understands where the question is going ——>, but not necessarily where it will end up (a conclusion)
** In most cases, the ‘stimulus’ refers to an unexpected question or probe from someone
When used correctly, this formula is incredible effective for catching deception.

NEXT : Type of Liars, #1

PREVIOUS : Intro, #1

SITE: The Cost of a Lie

SELF -REGULATION means to monitor & control one’s thoughts, emotions & actions, according to personal standards & goals.  Competitiveness, moral identity, & guilt-proneness affect the interpretation of a situation, & therefore a person’s willingness to modify their behavior, based on their values. What effect self-control has on lying depends on the :
1) easiness to make use of the opportunity to lie
2) amount of time available to decide to lie.

WHY it’s HARD to spot a lie
🔸 Parental influence
They teach us to not identify their lies. Hiding their misbehavior, family scandals & shame, illegal activities, or the need for sexual privacy – can be reasons for misleading children about what they’re doing, when they’re doing it & why. So we learn to deny or ignore our perceptions..

🔸 They remind us of ourselves
Social psychology tells us that people define themselves in terms of social groupings. Similarities make us feel comfortable. The ones we feel a part of are considered the In-group, & any that exclude us is an Out-group (us vs. them). And we disbelieve people who act ‘inappropriately’ according to how we would act & by our group’s standards.

We assume we know what In-group people are like – they’re good, just like us!  So we’re much more likely to trust the deceivers we have a lot in common with – regardless of how little they may deserve it.
EXP : It can be hard to accept that a trusted colleague in business is doing something underhanded, so we believe their lies until they become undeniable, but by then the damage is done.

🔸 We want to be misled
We’d rather not ‘out’ liars, because we have a stake in not knowing unpleasant truths. Being trusting rather than suspicious generally enriches life, in spite of possible consequences & costs. To always be cynical & assume the worst of others is not only hard on the doubter, but undermines their chance of developing & maintain intimacy in mating, friendships & work relationships

🔸 Social Manners
We’re brought up to be polite in all interactions – to not be too direct, not ask sensitive question & not try to get personal information by manipulation. Giving the false message (“I’m fine”) is often more socially advantageous than the truth (“I’m miserable”). 

Also, when it comes to detecting liars, we’re socialized to focus on the wrong thing . EXP : people who are physically attractive or of high social status are assumed to be ‘good’ – we automatically assign favorable traits to them, believing them to be more likable, competent, & honest than unattractive or lower status persons. 

🔸 Truth Bias
This term refers to the fact that we assume most of what we say to each other is truthful. Research indicates that people find it easier  to judge a statement as true rather than false.  Lying, though universal, & done to some degree, but still considered the aberration. Beyond the truth bias, calling or labeling someone a liar is serious business – even when absolutely accurate – & can get the accuser fired, attacked or even killed.

NOTE : Unfortunately, many adults (especially family) are unwilling to believe a child who reports being sexually assaulted by another adult, assuming they must be lying. Yet there are many examples of mothers who instead will accept the lies told by boyfriends, husbands & siblings rather than believing the victim.

🔸 Lacking Facts
Over a lifetime, we rarely deal with pathological liars, so if we’re unfortunate enough to encounter one, we’ll be hampered & overwhelmed by a high base rate of inadequate info. In that case, the base rate of lying is more than 75% (“percentage of a population that has a characteristic being measured”), making it harder to be alert to the subtle clues of deceit.
EXP: all the highly skilled phone & internet scammers who are believed.

🔸Misreading Body Language
We’re encouraged by folk-wisdom to focus on signs of nervousness or anxiety as proof of dishonesty. These are measured by increased heart rate, respiration & blood pressure, the basis of polygraph testing. Actually, research shows that these signs may indicate emotional anxiety, not necessarily of lying.

NEXT : Psychology of Lying

PREVIOUS : Attachment & Spirituality, #4

◀︎ CHART explained

DEF : Lies are ‘deliberate attempts to mislead, without prior notification – vs –
Truth, which is a ‘sincere attempt to provide accurate information.’

NORMAL : Humans are generally very poor lie detectors. In the original study of Truth Wizards, only 50 people out of 20,000 people were clever at lie detection. Another study found that people in a lab setting could only accurately catch when someone’s lying – 54% of the time.

We don’t automatically assume we can tell if a stranger is lying, but we mistakenly believe it’s easy to know if someone close to us is,  yet we can barely tell if our own partner is lying to us. Actually, our conscious thinking often interferes with gut awareness. Instead of relying on instinct, people focus on stereotyped behaviors associated with lying, such as fidgeting & lack of eye contact.

However, depending too much on ambivalent markers makes it hard to separate truth from falsehood. In fact, there are no universal, surefire signs that prove someone’s lying. All those indicators that researchers point to are just clues that may or may not ‘prove’ that a person is being dishonest.

Researchers at UCLA analyzed 60 studies on deception to develop recommendations & training for law enforcement. The results published in the American Journal of Forensic Psychiatry noted that, although catching deception is not automatic, quality training can improve a person’s ability.

A study reported in the Journal of Forensic Research found that “truth” is multi-dimensional, & that false statements differ from it in both quantity & quality of information presented. Catching lies is hard because it requires more mental (cognitive) work. Being able to accurately ‘hear’ lies can be improved by using verbal-content-analysis, which identifies characteristics of truthfulness & deception.

🧡 Figuring out that a communication is true only involves 1 step, since the brain’s automatic reaction to incoming information is to assume it’s correct.
Speak truth, listen > believe.

🩶 Instead, falsehood is a 2-step process, because creating it requires suppressing the pre-potent (automatic) “truth response”. Once deciding to lie (1), mental inhibition/ self-control is then needed to prevent the truth from slipping out (2).

This may explain why it can take the ‘average liar‘ longer to respond when questioned. (“Lying relies on the truth“)
76% of participants said they applied the simple rule of saying the opposite of the truth, so the closer a liar sticks to the truth, the harder it is to detect deception. (More….)

This 2-step process suggests why the listener may also take longer to catch on – because they are forced to look deeper, rejecting the surface meaning of a suspect statement, & figuring out that it’s not just incorrect but is actually meant to mislead or deceive.

KEY solution : Because spotting lies is not intuitive, paying attention to someone’s body movements, verbal patterns & behavioral signs can help to expose them. (Future posts)
✅ Whether it’s someone you know well or are newly attracted to a potential friend, lover, teacher…., observe them over time, noticing their baseline behavior. What’s normal for them – when they’re not stressed or triggered ?

EXP : What if you notice when you’re talking to someone – that they rarely look straight at you  but instead look elsewhere?
It can mean that they have a physical problem, may be a visual thinker (up & left), or may ‘just’ have low self-esteem, but are not a liar !

✅ Once you know someone’s baseline functioning, you can compare their behaviors with a repeating pattern of reactions when they are stressed, which will help to evaluate their credibility in a given situation.

NOTE : Be careful to not jump to conclusion when evaluating. Go by what you already know about this person. Some ‘proofs-of-lying’ may instead be signs of intense fear &/or shame, or a disability.
ASK yourself : How does my body feel – before, during & after interacting with this person? Anxious or relaxed. The most important tool is to consider previous experiences combined with gut institution.

PREVIOUS : SPIRITUALITY (#3)

BOOK : “Attachment in Religion and Spirituality, a Wider View” ∼ Pehr Granqvist

Attachment, CHURCH & COUNTRIES
from Betsy Stalcup, founder & Exec.Director of Healing Center International (UK)

1. Secure  – For Baby to be securely attachment, Mother needs to be attuned to them. For a child’s healthy development, she is “good enough” if she’s available at least 50% of the time.

Securely attached people are confident & hopeful. They’re not anxious, so don’t avoid intimacy, & experience a wide range of emotions, enjoying safety & shalom (peace).

To represent this, Betsy chose Denmark, often dubbed “the happiest country in the world.”  EXP: New moms have a full year of maternity leave – unlike the U.S., one of only 7 countries in the world that doesn’t have this service!

SO – What kinds of churches exemplify a Secure attachment? Those that include both sides of the brain, that draw people to God through reason & words, as well as emotions & beauty – drawing by love, not fear. Their connection is based on who God says He is (in the Bible), rather than how our family & ‘religion’ treated us.

2. Distracted : Babies feel great when connecting with Mom.  But she only she attention when she’s in the mood for interaction, & other times ignores baby’s inter-personal needs. So, Baby vigilantly watches mom to make sure they doesn’t miss out on the crumbs when she makes herself available. As a result, Baby’s attachment light is always on.

These become adults who are clingy, overly dependent, filled with anxiety. They tend to experience emotions at the extremes, & are often labeled drama kings or queens.
A ‘Distracted’ worship style might be loud, intense, even charismatic. Reason & logic would not be as important as a LOVE relationship with God. Even so, it can be stormy, because nothing is ever enough.
EXP : Italy, land of passion where even talking is emphatic, pronouncing every syllable: Bru-sche-tta! Piz-zeh-ria! 

3. Dismissive–avoidant – Babies develop this attachment style when there is little or no interaction with Mom.  She’s not sensitive to Baby’s emotional or social cues, so its attachment light gets turned off. Since this relationship is not a source of joy, the child concludes it’s better to go it alone & find some thing else to attach to – not people.

Betsy chose England, home of the stiff-upper-lip, where historically the upper class sends their children off to boarding schools.
Dismissive adults tend to undervalue emotions & peoeel, so they’re more likely to choose churches that focus on reason & logic, on religious principles rather than spiritual connections. USA culture often considers Dismissives as “strong”. but actually, they long for intimacy without knowing how to achieve it.

4. The disorganized style is complicated (80% of abused children, most often in the inner cities). In this case Mom is mis-attuned to Baby. She’s not reliable – sometimes there, other times oblivious. She may be an active addict, mentally ill, have unprocessed trauma, or be a Disorganized herself.  So – Baby’s attachment light comes on erratically. The result is a confused, angry, lost adult.

Betsy chose Russia, where “drinking is pervasive & socially acceptable….” & the people are aggressive. Then perhaps so is their Deity. Any church that preaches “fire & brimstone” or portrays God as an angry punisher tend to draw this type. Their relationship with Higher Power is stormy, bonded by fear & anger, not love.

❤️‍🩹 Betsy asks : How can we help those with insecure attachments?
ANS: Encourage everyone to develop a Spiritual attachment, which has to be a 2-way conversation :
⏫️ From us – it’s talking to God in prayer, daily praising Him for who He is, as well as bringing all our joys, sorrows & requests.
⏬️ From heaven – it’s letting God talk to us, mainly by reading what He tells us about Himself in the Holy Scriptures – Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omni-present, Just & Loving.

We needed lots of time with Mom, but most of us were deprived of that as kids, although for some, we got to be with her more often as adults.
Even if she could never fill that longing, now we can form a Secure attachment to the Lord, by daily spending time with Jesus. We’ll find out how glad He is to be with us, & how lovingly attentive He is to our needs. His presence is healing.

NEXT :

PREVIOUS :  Spirituality (#2)

CONNECTEDNESS : Psychologists & religious leaders trace many personal problems to a lack of adequate parent-child attachment, pointing to broken connectedness & historical dislocation as sources of psychopathology.

Problems in relating to others can & will occur. Disconnections are part of any relationship that is not mutually empowering or mutually empathic. But Humans were not designed to be Disconnected. Yet our scientifically-oriented culture has deliberately cut us off from staying attached to our Creator God, & therefore from our innermost needs, & from each other. Society is ill with fear, confusion & rage inside, while on the outside we  still hold on to the fiction that “we are in control’

Christian psychologist Larry Crabb‘s book about Connecting (audio) suggested that it could be formed by empowering the good in each other – that which is of / in line with God’s beneficial rules for living. Crabb realized that it is a more effective counseling approach than many traditional psychotherapeutic styles.

Jean Baker Miller (Wellesley) names some bad things about Disconnection:
☀︎ Disempowerment, causing diminished
☀︎ Diminished sense of self-worth
☀︎ Isolation & relationship avoidance
☀︎ Mental Confusion

Some good things about having Connections :
♥︎ Increases sense of worth – by being seen & heard by others with empathy
♥︎ Desire for more suitable connections, & the joy that adds to our life
♥︎ Increased knowledge & clarity about our own & other’s thoughts & feelings
♥︎ Empowered to act for ourself – on our own – with increased energy & productivity

ATTENDING ‘Church’ & Family Relationships
From :  MAPING AMERICA : A survey made in 2003, consisting of parents of 102,353 children & teens in all 50 states and D.C. Data was taken from the National Survey of Children’s Health.
PPR-= Positive Parental Relationship (scale)

The survey noted that the stresses of marital conflict or separation + the strains of maintaining a household + rearing children as a single parent —> often interfered with interacting with children in a calm, positive, yet firm way.

On the other hand, when parents & children were involved in a religious community, other families in that environment provided emotional support & practical assistance to the stressed ones, making it easier for parents to raise their children well. Being a members of a religious community also helped reinforce the moral & spiritual lessons that parents wanted their children to absorb.

a. Family Structure: Children who lived with both biological parents or two adoptive parents scored higher on the PPR scale than children who lived in a different grouping, such as with their father alone, with grandparents or foster parents.
➤ In between were those who lived with one biological parent, a stepparent or with a single mother

b. Religious Practice: Children who attended religious services at least weekly scored higher on the PPR scale than those who never attended 
➤ In between were children who worshipped 1-3x a month, & those who attended less than once a month

c. Combined – Family Structure & Religious Practice : Children who worshipped frequently & lived with both biological parents or with two adoptive parents had a higher score than those who worshipped less than monthly & lived in single-parent or a reconstituted family
➤ In between were those who lived in intact families but worshipped less than monthly, & those who lived in non-intact families who worshipped at least monthly

OTHER Studies corroborated these findings.
º Single parents “are more likely to yell” at their children, while conservative Protestant parents were less likely to do so
º Fathers in intact families devoted more time to their children & most of their social time consisted of religious activities

CONCLUSION : Combining Religious attendance, Spiritual interest & Intact families are the building blocks of healthy parent-child relationships.

♦️ 2023 UPDATE : Christian Identity & religious affiliation has markedly changes in the last 30 years.  While the positive influence of religious participation on the family is still valid ⬆️ , the practice has greatly diminished. The PEW Research Center looked at these changes, (2022), asking “What is your present religion, if any?”.

Theories about why the dis-affiliation has sped up since the ’90s :
— as societal conditions improve & scientific advances allow people to live longer with fewer worries about meeting basic needs, they have less need for religion to cope with insecurity
— the US’s association of Christianity with conservative politics has driven many liberals away from the faith
— declining trust in religious institutions, clergy scandals, rising rates of religious intermarriage, smaller families….
⬇️ Stats are for 1973 to 2017. (MORE….)
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NEXT : SPIRITUALITY (#4)

PREVIOUS :  Spirituality (#1)

BOOKs :
“ATTACHED to GOD” ∼ Krispin Mayfield, with review
▸ :”GOD ATTACHMENT “∼ Dr.Tim Clinton &  Joshua Straub

A CHRISTIAN Perspective
“Attachment Theory & Your Relationship with God”, by
Dr. Bonnie Poon Zahl , a UK psychologist studying people’s religious & spiritual experiences in terms of natural psychological processes – the thoughts, emotions & behaviors that form the warp & weft of human life.

To do this she uses an important & well-respected concept about human relationships : Attachment Theory, which explains how people experience & respond to separation & distress within —–> the context of core, close relationships from very early in their life.

Attachment is part of what it means to be human – beings who are created by God to be part of His eternal family. So how attachment styles affect human connections can also describe our relationship with God & the ways we talk about our faith.

RECAP : Our most intense emotions are triggered during the “formation, maintenance, disruption & renewal” of attachments. Separation brings up feelings of loss, sadness & grief, and sometimes anger — while reunion causes joy & closeness for some, but more mixed emotions for others.

Since Baby is born without the ability to regulate emotions, Mom needs to bond with infant, & then she can regulate the ++ & — emotions of them both, by face-to-face communication, looking into baby’s eyes, & smiling.
These early experiences play a crucial role in our sense of Self = in relation to those people who matter the most.

re. RELIGION
Bonnie explains : ‘As a Christian & a psychologist, I’m struck by the clear parallels between the attachment theory of separation & reunion and the Christian narrative of alienation from God because of sin, the suffering it causes, & reunion by God’s grace through Jesus’ death & resurrection.”

Attachment patterns developed in childhood provide one lens that helps us see how people relate to God when things go wrong in our life. Research confirms the tendency to consider God as an attachment figure, so we experience Him in different ways :

🔆 securely, the connection with God is stable & integrated throughout the ups & downs of life
〽️ anxiety about abandonment (FoA) – always worried about losing God’s loved, & trying to be perfect to avoid His anger
〽️ avoidance of intimacy (FoC) – don’t feel His presence or love, so don’t want to depend too much on God, even when distressed.

Many Christians do turn to God to restore a lost sense of security.  But when some Christians experience Him as distant, unresponsive or absent, they feel depressed or bitter. Anger at God is a common reaction to unanswered prayer, especially if there’s a strong need & they’re very disappointed when God doesn’t respond the way they hoped.

For the Insecurely attached, long-term anger at God can turn into doubting their relationship with Him.
Not getting what they asked for, many of this type misunderstand & misinterpret the reasons (EXP : God is mad at me….), or go as far as doubting God’s goodness, even losing faith altogether. (EXP: Mother Teresa : 50 yrs of feeling abandoned by God – scroll  to “The Onset)

In any case, God meets us as we are, whatever the attachment style.
🔻 On the human side, the Incarnation proved that God himself fully understands us because He took on the same kind of body & mind as us, & had the same kind of relationships with family many of us have had.

EXP: Jesus’ siblings didn’t believe in Him (until after His resurrection). And once, when Jesus was mobbed in a house where He was teaching & healing people —-> his mother & brothers came to get Him, convinced He was crazy! (Mark 3:20)

🔺 On the spiritual side, the Bible presents God as the perfect Father & caregiver, but how we take that in will at least partly depend on how we were raised. Wise Christians turn to God to restore a lost sense of security. 

The Psalmist describes God as “our refuge & strength, a very present help in trouble” (Ps 46:1).
St. Paul wrote that “neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation —> will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rm 8:38).
Truly amazing – & a wonderful promise!

NEXT: SPIRITUALITY (#3)