toxic rules

WHAT is GUILT? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

Man with tamI PLEAD GUILTY !
Since everything is about ME (isn’t it?)- it must be me, I’m always wrong

PREVIOUS: ACoA SiteMap

SITEs:  How to deal with Guilt Trippers
• 3 Types of Guilt & How to Let Them Go

NOTE: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POINT 1. Guilt (G) is a normal EMOTION, but not a primary one like fear, joy, sadness, love….
Since it helps preserve social bonds, a moderate amount of guilt is adaptive. Too much is crippling, repeatedly telling lies trains the brain to ignore feeling bad about it, & not having any remorse is psychopathic.
ACoA focus on guilt explained in Part 2

POINT 2. Guilt is the emotion mainly related to ACTIONS or NON-actions, but also to ‘unacceptable’ thoughts & wishes

POINT 3. General USES of guilt are for:
a. exerting influence – G is used by some people in close relationships to control another’s behavior (MORE….)
— the one with less power can get their way by guilting the one with more
EXP: “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do that / would do that for me”
— The one with more power can shame & punish the one with less
EXP: “I guess you mean I shouldn’t have been a mother” when told of old hurts

b. spreading out emotional stress – negative & positive sides of a ‘bad’ situation – acknowledging you’ve messed up, AND showing you care about that person or event
EXP: “If you (person A) feel guilty over not taking out the garbage, chances are your spouse (person B)–who wanted it taken out–will feel better knowing that. In this way, emotional equity is restored, because bad feelings in A are restored to B, who caused them,” (psychologist Roy F. Baumeister, CWRU of OH) Abstract Article

c. maintaining relationships – G depends on inter-personal context, a two-person experience, which can help make people pay attention to others
EXP: feeling bad about not keeping a promise, not spending enough time with loved ones, not responding to texts….
Given how uncomfortable guilt can feel, it can provide a strong motive to apologize, correct or make up for a wrong, & be more responsibly in future- BUT only if the mis-behavior is legitimate

‘Normal’ TYPES of G – in relation to actions, cause by:
a. something you did — wrong : that harmed another person, that violated your own ethical or moral code, or something you swore you’d never do again. In these cases, there’s no doubt it happened

b. something you didn’t do, but want to — thinking a lot about an action that’s against your own principles, or is dishonest, unfaithful, or illegal.

This kind of G can be confusing, with conscience poking a finger at you.
Since you didn’t actually commit the act (yet), & no one know what you’re thinking – you’re still on moral high ground. But obsessing about wanting to do something you know is wrong (for yourself or toward others) can make you very uncomfortable

c. something you think you did — A lot of present-day unhappiness comes from our own irrational thoughts about situations we’re in. Some people will be wracked with G if they’re convinced they did something wrong, even if there’s no objective evidence of that.

EXP: The magical belief you can jinx people by just wishing them ill, without acting on it. If something bad actually happens to them later, you’ll secretly think it was because you were that powerful!  At some level you ‘know’ that’s illogical, but it’s hard to give up the belief altogether

d. that you didn’t do enough to help someone — who you know is having a hard time or is sick, but you don’t call to check on them or help in some practical way.
OR – you’re already doing too much for someone, & you take a break or just stop, because you’re burned out (compassion fatigue). Continuing to act out of guilt will only drain you further & end up making you a less effective helper

e. that you’re doing better than someone else. It can be:
— adult children doing much better in life than their alcoholic / narcissistic family, or poorly-adapted immigrant parents, such as going to college, making more money….. even if they say they want their children to succeed

— the only person left in the family after some natural (fire) or social (war) disaster, often will feel survivor guilt, even though the event was totally out of their control. This can have Spiritual implications – they were meant to survive for a reason. 😢

NEXT: What is Guilt (#2)

RESCUING – False Helping (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, HEAL & GROW for ACoAs, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,


I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED!
I can take care of you, but not myself

REMINDER: Use ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

RESCUING – In general terms, it’s any form of helping someone to not take care of themself, when they really can. It may be —
— in the form of not doing or saying something when we see others hurting themself, OR
— actively providing the means for them to continue being irresponsible (directly or indirectly) to themself, their loved ones, their job….

EXP: Lying for others / making excuses when someone shirks their responsibility, is selfish or mean / clean up after a user / cover the addict’s bills / never stand up for ourselves or object to abuse / never notice or point out lies, inconsistencies, broken promises…..

ENABLING is another term for co-dependent rescuing of others, in place of taking care of ourselves.
In Al-Anon terms, it’s our compulsion to save the addict or any other kind of unhealthy person from the consequences of their own self-harming behavior (MISUSE of money, drink / drugs, exercise, gambling, food, fun, sex, work….)

A person acting out self-destructively has little reason to change if they’re never forced to experience the outcome of their compulsion. If they don’t have to pay any price for their behavior, they’re encouraged to continue practicing their addiction.
“Helping someone be self-defeating is co-dependency – not supportive & not Loving.”

ACoAs IRONY: Enabling / Rescuing is in itself our addiction (emotional, psychological), a compulsive pattern of interacting with others. On the surface it gives us a sense of control & superiority. Underneath, the real motivation is to suppress our own abandonment anxiety.

ORIGIN: Growing up in dysfunctional families, ACoAs were not allowed to fully develop our own personality & identity, attend to our own needs, or have our own feelings – about anything. We had no choice but to focus on wounded parents & their needs, moods & demands. (see ‘Toxic rules’)

• We were expected to grow up too fast – not have normal child needs –  but only so we could relieve them of the burden of caring for us, and so we could be there for them
• Any attention to our own tastes, opinions, & way of doing things was considered selfish, stubborn, overly sensitive, stupid and bad!  (I was taught: S.P.S. – ‘Self Praise Stinks’ !!)

Result: ACoAs developed a ‘false persona’, one version of the co-dep triangle – to be The Rescuer:
a. for many of us, this is a very active role – doing, doing, doing for others OR using others to motivate our actions
b. for some ACoAs, who seem to do ‘nothing’ for others – this role is passive. It’s a way to ‘take care of’ the family by asking for very little, not trying for anything, not risking, not being a bother… obeying the Toxic Rule “Don’t Need”

➼ The unspoken hope is that if we do a good enough job of rescuing (fixing them), they will, in turn, be able to take care of us.  THIS NEVER WORKS.

IN ADULTHOOD
DEF:  A way to seem like we’re helping others BUT with hidden motives
a. from our grandiosity
🔸 Doing for others what they CAN & SHOULD be doing for themselves
🔸 Being ‘one up’, giving the illusion of being powerful and benevolent, at the same time
🔸 Assuming others n-e-e-d us (a not-always conscious belief that they’ll fall apart or even die – without us – based on our family experience)
🔸Assuming we know better what others need / want / should have, or not
🔸 Wanting to spare someone pain – by preventing them insecurefrom having to take responsibility for the consequences of – their actions, & so preventing their growth!

b. from our inferiority
🔹 Using others to feel better about ourselves (to cover our self-hate, that feeling of worthlessness)
🔹 Trying to ‘fix’ a wounded person, so they can be there for us
🔹 Trying to have an effect on the world, since no one listened to us as kids
🔹 Wanting to use our talents, skills & abilities – but not allowed to use them for our own benefit
🔹Minding other people’s business rather than our own (not allowed to focus on ourself)

NEXT: Rescuing = False Helping  (Part 2)