sarcasm

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry
PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITEs: 27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened
• P-A Commuter Types – (London)

** Southern P-A veiled insults 


Somethings Passive-Aggressives SAY :
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded insults instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures P-As do not get their needs met, while feeling ONE UP.
When they give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly sweetly nasty comments, they’re cresting brain fog, so most ‘recipients’ don’t catch on that they’re being messed with. 

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but aren’t afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they rarely point a finger at others,, keep the focus on themself, not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate directly with ‘I‘ statements.
EXP: “I won’t be able to help you with that // This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all the following statements are ‘you’ types (some implied), and none of the “I” statements are kind or supportive, nor admit personal responsibility for their feelings / opinions

THIS often leaves someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I catch them or say ‘this hurt’ – will they deny or attack?……”  What the P-A wants is for others to always be off-balance.

This list includes things said/written by any adult in any setting
• Aren’t we pretty today? = Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly
• Don’t bother! = means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• Don’t take it so personally = means that it was a very personal barb
• Fine. Whatever = sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
• How is your therapy progressing? =You don’t seem to be getting any better (maybe worse!) // you’re still such a mess, I don’t think even this will help
• I’m coming! = foot-dragging, putting off doing something they want // I’m busy!

• I didn’t know you meant now = means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway
• If you really want to = means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend = finally, since you’re not very desirable
• If you insist! = means I don’t agree //  I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
• It’s fine if you’re late, again = they feel disrespected but think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
• I didn’t do anything (wrong) = complete denial of their abuse or neglect
• I didn’t mean anything by it = means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• I h0pe it’s worth it = they’re “worried” about a choice or decision you’re making, think it’s wrong and hope you fail
• I thought you knew/ are in the loop = they had no intention of including you
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by…  = a disguised criticism
• I was only joking = sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today = boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately (although you have not been sick)
• No worries = short for Screw You
• So… (by itself) = another form of Screw you, or what’s your point? — If in a sentence : So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?…..  = the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it
• Sure, I’d be happy to = they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
• This is far too complicated for you to understand = dumb, dumb, dumb
• Thanks in advance = you’re will do what they want, without your input or consent

• You’re asking too much / just wanted everything to be perfect = they don’t want to do what you asked for, but can’t get away with putting it off, so do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations / with what you had to work with = means the P-A is jealous, but patting you on the head like a child. OR are very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you

• You decide / whatever you want = (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & then objects or criticized your choices
• You’re imagining things = means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free – got away with abuse
• You’re so intense / too emotional = P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your strong emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
• You’re too sensitive = P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility, judgement or insult
• Why are you getting so upset? = means “Ha, I got you!”
• We’re watching your progress & hoping the best for you = we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you, but want to sound supportive!.

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Addictive, Aggressive (#3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

lite red a.b.

YES, I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS
but I only use the ones I know well

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories #2

SITE Top 5 Angry Cartoon Characters, w/ corrections

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS

▪️ADDICTIVE anger
Addictions fall into : “substance” (chemicals) and “process” (co-dependence, food, gambling, hoarding, spending, work, anger….).
Science has proven that ‘rageaholism’ is real. Like any addiction, the emotion discharges catecholamine neurotransmitters : dopamine, epinephrine, norepinephrine & an adrenaline surge, with increased heart rate & blood pressure – which makes us feel alive, even euphoric. (Post:  Anger & the brain– #2).

Edie Weinstein, LSW wrote, “Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain from the craving, as seen in  impaired behavioral control, dysfunctional emotional responses, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and with interpersonal relationships….. ”

Because such people have not learned other ways to feel good, they become dependent on their anger. They’ll often create a crisis or look for jobs & relationships which provide the rush of excitement they ‘need’. They may look for ways to be offended & opportunities to pick fights – pouring more fuel on the fire – creating conflicts wherever they go. (MORE….)

• As with substance addicts, people who needs a daily anger “fix” can get antsy & irritable or lethargic & bored – when it’s not available. They feel mental tension & physical discomfort, so that when the craving is finally satisfied, they experience some relief. It becomes a vicious cycle – the more the brain wiring is reinforced, the more the anger-produced chemicals are strengthened

Anger-high is used to elevate depressed mood & release pent-up emotions. It gives the ‘adrenaline junkie’ a sense of being in control, & covers other emotions like fear, frustration, hurt, sadness… Anger is forceful, so it’s used to re-gain a sense of power & status, but without the internal assurance of actually being safe & worthwhile

Such people need intensity, so their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern, & catecholamine neuro-transmitters are released, causing a blast of kinetic energy, but the relief is short-lived, often followed by a nasty emotional hangover, creating more problems than it solves

▪️AGGRESSIVE anger (direct)
This is intense anger expressed in visible behavior, designed to hurt the person we experience as having harmed us, or who triggers our old pain.
The attacks are the result of focusing so strongly on our own personal needs & wounds. In this state we’re oblivious to consequences (a narcissistic lack of empathy), so we’ll act out, causing trouble

Anti-social / having a bad attitude : finger-pointing, ignoring people’s feelings, open defiance, prejudice, stealing, stirring up trouble, unfair punishments, wearing clothes or symbols associated with violent behavior, willful discrimination….

Physical: flashes of temper, physical or sexual violence of any kind (fist shaking, kicking, hitting, shoving, slapping, threaten with a weapon….), tailgating, excessively blowing car horn, slamming doors….

Verbal: used as armor & as a weapon, including vulgar or biased jokes, bickering, blaming, breaking a confidence, endless negativity & fault-finding, frightening by using threats of social or physical harm, foul language, insults, judging, labeling, malicious gossip, nagging, name-calling, refusal to talk, unjust accusations of immorality or of having detestable traits or motives….

ALSO: Sarcasm & Teasing – a way to express anger indirectly, with clever but cruel remarks disguised as humor.
EXP: “It’s OK that you’re late. I had time to read the menu―40 times!”

Teasers are often in denial about their underlying rage, thinking they’re just being funny, so they figure that if the recipient of a barbed witticism gets angry – that’s on
them. They feel justified in accusing the other person of over-reacting: “I’m just kidding…. you’re way too sensitive!”

But these kinds of comments are mean, so recipients will feel the hurt & withdraw or retaliate.  Although some people insist that mockery is a form of intellectual humor, the very word sarcasm is related to the Greek word ‘sarkazein’, meaning “to tear flesh like dogs.” Ouch! (MORE... 4 pages)

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 4)