cycles of power

ACoAs &CONFUSION – in Recovery (Part 4b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#4a)

 

RECOVERY CONFUSION is NORMAL (cont)
a. during any transition
b. when learning anything new

c. what we know vs don’t know
This kind of ‘not knowing’ is an indication of growth, the confusion part of any issue we’re working on (career, relationships, self-care….), & will be to different degrees for each. Our reactions will be too little AND too much :

i. Too Independent
With little or no guidance as kids, many of us are used to doing everything ourselves. What we can’t figure out – we do without! Even in Recovery we still believe we’re supposed to know everything, making it hard to:no thanks
• reach out for comfort, guidance & information
• make an effort to see what else is possible in the real world
• try out a variety of new ways to do things
• be OK with making mistakes or having to try many different options before find the right answer or right fit

We were trained to believe we’re supposed to be self-sufficient – both emotionally (“Don’t bother me / don’t be such a baby….”), & how things are done (“You figure it out / should know that”)…. without anyone’s help. So no matter how confused we are – we don’t want to look dumb or make a fool of ourselves.

EXP: You take a college course on a subject you know very little about, maybe just for credit, or because it’s of interest. But you don’t really understand the material & find that you’re floundering. You get the sinking feeling you’re missing something everyone else understands but you don’t know what.

So, as a ‘good’ ACoA we beat ourselves up – either we should already know the info OR be able to figure it out (“I guess I’m just too dumb”). But how can we? The whole point of taking a class is to learn what we don’t know! Believing otherwise feeds S-H.
This issues applies to work, relationships, self-growth…..

Having trouble understanding something means you:
• are rushing the learning process
• don’t have enough facts about the lesson or situation you’re in
• are trying to do too much, or everything at the same time
• are trying to use ‘graduate level‘ info before being solid in the fundamentals
ii. vs. Too Dependent (longing for symbiosis, someone to take care of us so we don’t have to).  Actually – there are many thing we DO know – and have always known, even as little kids. But we’ve been brain-washed by family (& sometimes church & society) to deny it, so it gets pushed it away or completely forgotten. The internal conflict makes us feel crazy. (“I know / I don’t know”)

We feel too lost & afraid to trust our own judgement, common sense or experience, so we constantly, compulsively ask others for info & help, even when we actually know the answer or what to do —
• as a way to stay dependent on others, esp. on authority figures
• trying to get validation because we don’t believe in our knowledge & intuition
• from being taught (usually by a religion) that talking about -even- legitimate knowledge & accomplishments is arrogant, presumptuous or the sin of pride

It’s true that we have many cognitive distortions (CDs) learned from family, BUT ACoAs are very smart & perceptive. We need to recapture the many truths we’ve suppressed & ignored for so long. It will UN-confuse us. REMEMBER: “I know what I know – but I don’t have to / can’t know everything ”.

d. because of incongruity.  DEF – when something is “strange, becausinconsistenciese it doesn’t agree with common principles, or what is usually expected”
CONGRUOUS: exhibits harmony in it’s logic parts, has internal & external consistency, is perceived by others as sincere or certain

For ACoAs, incongruity has to do with anything we’re thinking (CDs) or doing which conflicts with how the real world works. This is similar to ‘Old Patterns’ (‘Confusion-Part 3b, #g). When we try to function from our historical training in ‘normal’ relationships or work settings – we don’t get the response we expect or want, so we get confused – and we confuse others.

In Recovery – the main incongruity, at least internally, is between the False Self (wounded Adapted Child) & the fledgling True Self (healthy ‘UNIT’), how we’ve always reacted vs new ways we’re learning to apply.

NEXT: Confusion (Part 4c)

Ego States – CHILD (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Inner children
I CAN FEEL ALL MY EMOTIONS
when I connect with my Child part

PREVIOUS: ADULT E.S. (Part 3)

CES = child ego state
AES = adult   ”     ”
PES  = parent  ”    ”
NC = natural child / AC = Adapted C.

GENERAL
Everyone has a CHILD Ego State (CES) – the earliest stage of our development, forming our personality in the first 5-7 yrs of life. Similar in many ways to the Freudian concept of id, it operates on the pleasure principle, automatically & persistently aimed at gratifying & fulfilling needs – but available on a conscious level.

We continue in child mode well into our late teens & early 20s, through 7 developmental stages.(“Cycles of Power” by Pamela Levin). For the rest of life the CES is both an influence (what we think & feel inside) & a state (looking & acting like the little person we once were).

CHILD e.s.🌺 It’s called “archaeo-psyche” because it’s a collection of taped & stored info – behaviors, thoughts & feelings held over from childhood.
In T. A. terms, it’s made up of the Natural /Free Child (NC) – our fundamental identity – overlaid by the Adapted Child (AC), healthy or unhealthy, developed in response to our environment which are ‘understood’ as filtered through our natural tendencies (Part 2,3)

Its goal is to feel pleasure & avoid pain – no matter how or at what cost. It’s focused on Self needs only, even when relating to others or trying to being helpful : “I want, Don’t leave me, I refuse, You can’t make me, I don’t wanna, I want you to….”

This does not mean it’s a bad aspect, to be gotten rid of. We need it, since it holds the seeds of our native qualities, as well as the wounds that influence later behavior. It’s just that as adults it’s not healthy to be ruled by the Child. (See ‘Contamination’)

✦ This E.S. is mainly the domain of the ‘felt’ – the Right brain. Before we were able to talk (Left), our whole world was about feelings & sensations!
So most, but not all, of our emotions (Es) – including all the old stored up ones – reside in the C. part of us
brain sidesFor ACoAs, it is our NC that has mainly been suppressed, ignored, almost crushed. Early on it had to go into hiding to preserve itself from overwhelming harm.
However, it shows up anyway, perhaps sideways – when we use our natural talents – in business, in the arts, in science…. BUT without Recovery we don’t believe they have value, assuming we’re frauds. ◎ Healing works to help us own & happily appreciate them.

▶ In CHILDHOOD
Before we have the grown-up components of the Adult & Parent, we develop rudimentary aspects of them – the Child’s versions of them (+FC), along with the basic tendencies we’re born with – the C’s C. Eventually these 3 parts become the essence of the Inner Child E.S. no matter how old we are. (see Second Order E.S. Map).

C. e.s.✦ C’s Parent – sometimes called mother’s ‘Little Helper‘.  Kids, even very small ones, will help a drunk parent up the stairs, rock their dolly to sleep, care for a pet… OR be bossy, lecture other kids, copy their parents’ way of treating their younger siblings…
⚒ Electrode (zaps you with a toxic command, causing a knee-jerk reaction), Witch Mother or Fairy Godmother

✦ C’s Adult – trying to do ‘grownup’ things, even before they’re ready, going to the store or school – alone, ‘being in charge’, showing off their cleverness & knowledge… trying to figure out how things work…. BUT without enough info or mature ego states to process everything correctly
⚒ The Little Professor

✦ C’s Child – our most basic self, the core of our identity, the most vulnerable part, aspect of ourself which, as adults, has often been suppressed to the point of being invisible.  This part is composed of our physical self, instincts, biological urges, genetic recordings, and how we learn, our level of sensitivity, social preferences, the full range of emotions – from great joy to great pain, down to how we like our eggs cooked! 
⚒ Magical Child or Little Fascist

NEXT: CHILD E.S. (Part 2)