cruelty

ABUSE of CHILDREN (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

WHAT DO THEY EXPECT?
I’m just a little kid!

Previous: Partner Abuse

SITE: “Emotional Trauma in the Womb”


Abuse PATTERNS: the following categories come from several Child Abuse sites. These 13 categories are mainly perpetrated by immediate family, but can also come from other caretakers, teachers & peers.

1. REJECTING
DEF: Absence or withdrawal of parents of warmth, affection, care, comfort, concern, love, nurturance, support or warmth

Expressed in various physically & psychologically harmful actions & emotional reactions (disgust, anger, disappointment…) :
🔸indirect (lack of emotional validation, encouragement, feedback…) or
🔹direct (“I never wanted children in the first place”). Negation tells the child it has no value as a human being.

• Children rejected from the start develop a range of disturbed self-soothing behaviors. Such infants have very little chance of developing into a healthy adult.
Rejecting child’s Actions, Needs, Worth – BY:
• constant criticism – nothing is never good enough
• excluding child from family activities or expel child from ‘inner circle’
• expressing regret the child wasn’t born the opposite gender
• frequent teasing about child’s body type or weight
• physical abandonment, deny child’s existence
BY:
• regular verbal humiliation, name-calling with : demeaning jokes, labels such as geek, over-sensitive, selfish, stupid, ugly, worthless ….
• refusing hugs & other loving (non-sexual) gestures
• not allowing the teen to make own reasonable choices
• treating a teen like she/he is still a young child
• yell, swear at or verbally attacking the child

FACT:  Rejection is the most insidious form of emotional abuse.   In the ‘Baumeister: Rejection’ study students were randomly assigned ‘rejection experiences’. It found that subjects’ IQs dramatically dropped, disturbing their ability to reason, while increasing aggression.
💔
2. NEGLECTING 
DEF: “An ongoing pattern of inadequate care (4 types) – the parent not providing many fundamental, age-appropriate childhood needs (education, emotional nurturing, health care, nutrition, safe housing, supervision….) — even though financially able, to such a degree that the child’s health & safety are endangered (NCANDS, 2007)….

• Neglect can be the result of parents abusing drugs & alcohol, being physically incapable, depressed, hospitalized… but more often because they don’t want to deal with the many PMES needs of their children.
EXP: Anger at a young child for not meeting parental expectations re. a developmental stage (walk, talk, potty train – by a certain age. Infant not ‘allowed’ to cry …)

They may provide the Physical basics (food, clothing, shelter), but NOT▫️ Emotional  = love, comfort, acceptance, admiration …
▫️Mental  = general conversation, specific info, teaching, what to expect in the world…
▫️Spiritual needs = moral & spiritual modeling…. ( “7 Spiritual needs”  )

😪 Often, neglected children don’t want to go home at the end of each school day, are constantly tired, depressed & feel like they don’t belong anywhere.
IGNORING children deprives them of all the essential stimulation & interaction necessary for emotional, intellectual & social development. (RESULTS….)

3. EMOTIONAL Abuse (E.A.)
DEF: ✒︎”Acts of omission by parents or other caregivers that have caused, or could cause  – serious behavioral, cognitive, mental, or emotional disorders  (Nat. Center on Child Abuse & Neglect)
✒︎”When a child is regularly threatened, yelled at, humiliated, ignored, blamed or otherwise emotionally mistreated”.  (AMA)

❖ E.A. is a type of brainwashing which leaves deeper & longer-lasting scars than physical ones, eventually showing up as problems in all 4 PMES levels. E.A. includes:
• excessive teasing of infant or child, ridicule youth in public
• repeatedly tell the child it caused the divorce or death of a patent ….
• telling a child it’s adopted (when it’s a lie) as a punishment
• threaten to give them away or send them to an orphanage

Belittling – one of the most common forms, when the caregiver acts as a extremely distorted mirror – so the child sees themself described as : lazy, selfish, unlovable, worthless….
This slows the growth of the child’s talents & skills, or inhibits them altogether, severely limiting the child’s own sense of identity & what they can accomplish

E.A. systematically wears away the child’s :
• ability to judge situations realistically
• ability to take in compliments & trust positive reinforcement from others
• belief that anyone else could ever want or love them
• self-confidence, sense of self-worth, value & identity
• trust their own perceptions, thoughts & experience
• willingness to try new experiences, or to take appropriate risks
SEE posts on E.A.

NEXT: Abuse of Children (Part 2)

INDIRECT Abusers (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

  …. BUT HE’S SO NICE TO ME –
the rest of the time!

PREVIOUS: Direct abusers

RESOURCE:
Dr Irene’s great Verbal Abuse & Recovery site

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

COVERT ABUSE  (CA) – Emotional, Mental & Spiritual
• Emotional abuse is one of the most under-reported stressors in the US today. Blatant emotional cruelty may be noticed by others, & definitely felt by the Victim (V) – even if they ignore or excuse it.
The indirect type is consistently administered in small doses, ways the abuser uses so it’ll be easily overlooked, as it gets woven into the fabric of the relationship.
In China this is a form of torture called Lingchi =”Death by a thousand cuts“.

Typically, the V. will say : “It’s not all bad, You don’t know him the way I do. I know she loves me. When something goes wrong it’s really my fault. He didn’t meant it. She’s just under a lot of pressure. I don’t want to miss out on the good things we have together. He needs me. It’s only because she’s in pain” ….

• Sneaky Perpetrators (P) are also full of S-H & FoA, but they hide it better than Vs.  They also think they’re unique, so different from others that they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Yet they actually have a lot in common with all other Ps, sharing similar thinking & behavior patterns.

While they may never lift a finger to physically injure anyone, the psychological damage they do to others, with it’s long-term scars, are much harder to heal.
Victims are threatened & terrorized emotionally when they try to object to how they’re being treated. A major result is that they don’t believe they have a right to identify themselves as Vs, or to admit their mate, adult-child, friend, relative, boss….is actually abusive.

• TO outsiders, sneaky emotional abusers (E.A.s) don’t stand out – they usually present themselves as decent, successful, calm. They have a talent for creating a public image that contradicts how they are behind closed doors. They use public venues to have an adoring audience & as an outlet for their ‘better’ qualities (at work, church, politics….) —covert abusers
— but will take out their emotional sickness on those who are closest, most vulnerable & most dependent on them. In general, Ps needs a safe place to let their dirty hair down where no one will judge them, hold them accountable, object or leave!
TO their families, they’re often childish, controlling, self-absorbed, cheap, hypercritical, compulsive, & mean-spirited. What’s so confusing is that this type of abuser is actually BOTH. But the abusive side always wins out in private.

• Covert Abusers are passive-aggressive, which means they show their anger (aggression) sideways (passively) by withholding information, deliberately stalling, being stubborn, sulking, and/or not trying their best. They ignore reasonable requests to put in a reasonable amount of effort into their closest relationships. They pick partners who are push-overs with low self-esteem, who find it easy to make excuses for the other person’s terrible behavior.

EXP: Ps will make you choose an action that affects you both (dinner, movie, trip….) & then blame you because they didn’t like it or it didn’t work out. They also may deny that you asked them for their opinion or input in the first place, accusing you of being controlling. You’ve been set up! Altering another’s reality is abuse.

FORMS of Cover Abuse
Brainwash: using systematic & often forcible pressure, they coerce someone into adopting radically different beliefs from their own
Crazy-making: throwing someone mentally or emotionally off-balance, making them easier to control (so they don’t trust their own thoughts)
Divert / Evade : change any “undesirable” topic to something irrelevant, illogical or crazy
AND
Gaslight: psychologically manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity (not trust their own memory or observations )
Grooming: prepare or train someone to become submissive for a particular purpose or activity, by first being overly-attentive
Guilt-tripping : shift blame, act sincere then retaliate with silence, word twisting & circular conversations
Playing the Victim : act like they’ve being injured by any request for communication or appropriate responsibility  (MORE…)

NEXT: INDIRECT Abusers (Part 2)