al-anon

ACoAs & CONFUSION – in Recovery (Part 4a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

normal confusion 

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#3d)

SITE: Emotional & Psychological Trauma

 

QUOTE: “One who asks a question is a fool for 5 minutes. One who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.” ~ Chinese proverb

IN RECOVERY
The opposite of confusion is clear thinking.
For ACoAs, this requires a certain amount of S & I, which allows us to develop a stable sense of who we are as an individual, what our rights are, & a decent amount of self-esteem.
At the same time, it’s appropriate to be confused in certain circumstances. Healthy adults use those situations to notice when something is incomplete or incorrect. It’s a cue to get more information, & ask for help or get verification. “Leaving home” (S & I) is scary & perplexing. From time to time it’s even depressing.

But the reasons for Recovery Confusion are not the same as those we’ve been drowning in much of our life.

CONFUSION is NORMAL :
a. during any transition, such as with personal growth.
In Recovery we’re moving thru completely new territory & don’t know what’s ahead, even tho many others have gone before & paved the way. We’re used to predicting all future events based on past experience – but the past we’ve been using is mainly based on childhood trauma.

So even if we’ve had some positive adult experiences, we still rely on what’s familiar, no matter how distorted or harmful – because that feels ‘safe’. But of course it’s NOT. The well-known ‘definition’ of Insanity is: “Doing the same (stupid/wrong/sick) thing over & over, & expecting a different (better) outcome”!NEW PATH

• At first we don’t know what to expect, or even if it’s possible for us to heal. We may not even believe we can achieve our goals of having internal peace & external success.

Yet many of us are compelled to keep searching for assurance. We want/demand a blueprint, & want to know how long it’s going to take, meaning – how fast we’ll be ‘well’. We hate uncertainty – it feels chaotic & unsafe. Transitions are always uncomfortable. That’s normal!

• BUT – by definition – growth means we can’t possibly know what’s ahead – not completely. We have to be willing to risk finding out what’s possible by changing our thinking & actions, to get that illusive ‘different outcome’. As we gather new information & courage, we’re encouraged to take more steps along the path. Otherwise there’d be no reason for the effort.

• Transitions include periods of time when we have to just sit with not knowing – we can’t use the old ways but don’t yet know ourselves well enough to figure out how to be. We don’t like it, but with persistence, we become more sure of ourselves. “I know what I know” applies even in transitional stages, which can help us feel a little more grounded.

b. when learning anything new – which includes reworking the original developmental stages. (See book “Cycles of Power” + comments ~ Pamela Levin). We get confused not only for the obvious reason that it’s all new to us, but also because most of us never learned process.

We’re impatient & want our progress to be faster than is humanly possible:recovery impatience
• we think we should already know things we never learned & which our brain needs time to grow into, because repetition is what makes the change – & that takes time
• we’ve been miserable for so long we want a miracle cure, & right now!
• ACoAs rarely have a realistic sense of time – how long things actually take – we think something takes much, much longer OR no time at all

• Always remember the analogy to having physical injuries. The greater the damage to our body (& our age) – from an accident, illness or surgery – the longer it takes to heal. And if we try to use / over-use a recovering part of the body too soon – before it’s had enough time to heal – it’ll be re-traumatized.
It’s the same for emotional wounding.
Recovery work needs to be done consistently – every day – in order to see progress, AND it cannot be rushed. 12-Step Programs remind us “Progress, not perfection”.

NEXT: Confusion (Part 4b)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3d)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

 

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#3c)

 

ADULT Confusion (cont)
1. Confusing OURSELF 
2. Confusing OTHERS


3. OTHERS confusing US (cont)
a. IGNORE Emotions
b. INCOMPLETE responses: Others can confuse us when trying to give us info, often in the guise of help – which is only useful if it’s what we need at the time, & in a form we can use.

Vertical – using School Levels as a metaphor
You ask someone for help or info at level 1 or 2,school levels because that’s as far as you’ve gotten about a subject / project / lesson…., but the response is given at level 3 or above.
 You won’t be able to use what’s offered, & be confused or fail – if you try to apply it before you’re ready.

Anyone who responds that way is NOT actually paying attention or asking you for some context (“Where are you in your process?”). More than likely they’re in a narcissistic / co-dependent fog & just offer whatever they know, have done, or would like themselves, without considering you at all.

Horizontal confusion
Someone will try to provide what they think is a perfectly logical answer, but is actually incomplete. It’s because they’ve left out a crucial piece of info somewhere along the line (X) which they assumed you knew, but of course you do not. You know something’s missing, so you ask for clarification.

It’s so aggravating when the person says: “Well, what do you want to know?” Since you can’t possibly know that missing piece, you can only say you’re confused. If you insist they explain more thoroughly, AND they can’t or won’t – both of you will get very frustrated, & possibly quite testy!

c. OTHER ways
How we can confuse others is the same as what they can do to us (Part 3c).
Motto: “If I can’t convince you, at least I can confuse you!”

Re. THEM – We get confused when someone:
• asks for something small & then when you do it, you find out there’s more to the ‘thing’ they want (a quick ride home turns into several stops to pick up a fiend, their dry-cleaning, cigarettes….)
• injects a comment that has nothing to do with the current topic

• claims slaughing atomething is a proven fact simply because it’s a popular belief
• doesn’t ask you for enough info when assigned a task or project, & then procrastinates or makes a mess of it

• never gets to the point, only talking around a topic
• makes everything into a joke
• smiles or laughs when talking about something personally painful (childhood abuse, a death, an insult…)

• talks really fast & doesn’t take a breath, but doesn’t say anything meaningful
• tends to exaggerate, even lie, so you can never tell what’s really true
• they claim to be or do something they can never live up to
• use complex words or long explanations to express something simple

Re. US – We can get confused when someone:
• accuses you of something you didn’t do or say
• ‘comes on to you’ but has no intention of following thru (a tease)
• does the opposite of a direct request you made
• doesn’t pick up on cues you give about who you are or how you feel, so treats you as if you’re someone else (in their head)

• expects you to read their mind (know what they want)
• ignores or insults you to your face, but praises you to others (parents)
• ignores what you’re saying, leaving you wondering if you were heard
• is symbiotic, assuming you are the same as them

• is usually ‘there for you’ in some situations, but definitely not in others
• only says what they think you want to hear
• reacts to your Adult or happy IC ego states from their PP or WIC   —> (Cartoon )
• reacts negatively to a positive or neutral statement

• repeats what you say – but in reverse (I hate holidays / Oh, you love holidays / Paint my room any color BUT brown / & then they paint the room brown )
• pretends to understand what you’re saying but doesn’t, letting you go on thinking they’re ‘connecting’
• says they’ll do something (“I’ll call you later”) but rarely or never does

• says “You know what I mean” without enough context
• twists your words / intentions against you
• uses emotions to manipulate (creating guilt, fear…)
• uses their authority to manipulate you into going against your principles or best interest ……

NOTE: Many of these can easily lead to frustration & anger! That’s normal. Remember – if you’re on the receiving end – it’s not you that’s off!

NEXT: Confusion (Part 4a)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Confusion #3b

SITE: Journaling to deal with confusion, & more

• The VALUE of being Confused

• You confuse people, and that’s not a bad thing

QUOTE: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. “
~ Robert McCloskey, writer

SONG: Please don’t let me be misunderstood  (Duet on The Voice UK)

ADULT Confusion (cont)
1. Confusing Ourself (in #3a & b)
f. Confuse CRITICISM with ABUSE
g. Following OLD PATTERNS

2. Confusing OTHERS
REMEMBER: ‘Message sent is not always message received’.
Depending on how important it is to you to be understood, AND who you’re talking to – you may need to double check whether or not they hear you correctly, or have instead formed their own incorrect or distorted interpretation.
Un-recovered wounded people tend to filter what they hear, as a Projection, which colors input from others, especially if it’s scary to their CHILD (WIC) or criticized by their INTROJECT (PP).

Some ACoAs suffer from ADD &/or dyslexia – so some of these distortions come from ‘disabilities’ which can be corrected with meds, proper nutrition / vitamins, brain re-patterning….
BUT most often our limited / distorted ways of communicating are mental habits we developed as kids, learned from our family, school, religion…., & still used now. (See posts “How ACoAs abandon others”).

They help us to not notice or own what we think & feel, AND keep others at arm’s length. We Confuse others BY:
THINKING (cognitive)
• assuming the other person knows what you’re talking about, when they don’t know the bigger picture, or you didn’t provide enough details
• assuming you’ve actually told a person -out loud- something you’ve been thinking or obsessing about, but never did (often a plan or desire)
• never asking directly for what you want or need, instead drop hints &passice aggressive expect others to read your mind

EMOTIONAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL
• pretending you’re not upset about something but then it comes out sideways (P-A)
• by angry silences, instead of talking things thru with “I’ statements

• always shifting the focus on to yourself when someone tells you anything about themselves or just makes a comment about something
A: “I did really well on that test today”
B: “I never do well on tests” – INSTEAD of acknowledging or praising THEM

COMMUNICATION
• always asking what someone else wants, never stating a preference (what are you having for dinner / what should I wear today / where do you want to go?)
• answering a question with a question
• compulsive talking, so no one else has room to participate

• verbally jumping from thought to thought, with no logical sequence
• jumping into a topic mid-thought, leaving out the ‘first half’ (not identifying what  you’re talking about, or what are you wanting)
• not bridging into a subject, so there’s no context
• mainly talking in clichés, to avoid directly saying what you think or feel

confusing others• giving too much info at one time, without checking if others are following
• never making declarative statements – as in: “I don’t feel I can trust them (which is a thought, not an emotion), instead of “I know they’re not trustworthy”

• responding to a comment in a way that has nothing to do with what was said, as a diversion
• only talking about facts or action, or what everyone else is doing (acquaintances, politics, sports, work….), but never anything personal / ‘real’

• rarely if ever finishing your sentences, so you can’t be held accountable
• ranting at someone (verbal attacks) without being honest about the real issue
• repeating the same opinion, information, or story over & over, even using the same words every time

3. OTHERS confusing US
In dealing with other people, the #1 rule is: “If you walk away confused, they are confusing”. Do not assume it’s you!

a. IGNORE Emotions: when we’re talking about an emotional situation, & the other person responds with an action suggestion, thinking they’re being helpful:
Comment: “My apartment recently burned down, & I was there at the time. Especially painful was the loss of 2,000 books & my 2 cats!”
Some Responses: “Get new cats right away” // “So what did you learn from the experience?” // “Well, at least you’re alive!” // Laughter ….    UGH!

NEXT – Confusion #3d

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS : Confusion #3a

 

ADULT Confusion (cont)
1. Confusing OURSELF  (cont)
a. EMOTIONS with THOUGHTS
b. EMOTIONS with ACTIONS
c. MULTIPLE emotions
d. Making ASSUMPTIONS

e. Having UNACCEPTABLE emotions, in response to events, which we aren’t allowed, don’t understand, are afraid to feel, make us feel too vulnerable….. We’re confused, don’t know what to think about it

EXP: Crying when something good happens to us, when we feel cared for, when we hear something which rings true for us….
In each case tears come from a feeling of deep relief & pleasure – “FINALLunacceptable EsY I’m being treated well / being understood / getting the answers I’ve always longed for / being validated….. I never thought it would happen!”

EXP: Therapy client says “I’m just beginning to admit my uncle molested me when I was a kid. I’m really angry about that but I don’t know if I should be”.
She’s confused about her right to have a strong response to a severe violation, & needs permission

f. Confuse CRITICISM with ABUSE (“Criticism” posts)
Def of Criticism: an evaluation or opinion of the merits or weaknesses of an action, choice, decision, thought process….
– a careful discussion of something to judge its quality or explain its meaning
– saying that someone or something is bad

Any criticism is NOT supposed to be a de-valuation of a person’s whole being or identity, although it’s often used that way. Children & dysfunctional adults do not make the distinction between BE-ing & DO-ing.

Criticism should ONLY be aimed at behavior or of content, as in books, film…., as a way to evaluate & correct. In our families, however, it was used to attack our very essence.

• Confuse Alternative Suggestions with Criticism – ACoAs usually think in B & W, only seeing one way of dealing with situations. We use the same tool for every job, like a ‘hammer’, equally for pounding in a nail, changing a light bulb or petting a cat.

We don’t even realize there are potentially several other – positive – ways of thinking about & then responding to most people or events.
We’ll actually need to use different tools to handle different types of situations (humor in one place, stern boundaries in another….), although sometimes the same tool can be used but in modified form.
SO: Being given alternate ways of thinking or doing something by a reasonable person will be to simplify & improve our lives – not a judgement.

g. Following OLD PATTERNS
In the real world our intentions can easily be misunderstood & our actions misinterpreted – even when we’re trying to be ‘real’. We wonder “Why did they react so badly / ignore me? I was just trying to help / be friendly….”. People’s negative reactions hurt us, even make us angry – but mainly leave us confused. (POST: What just happened?)

CAUSE: As ACoAs, what we say or do doesn’t work because it comes from the WIC’s dysfunctional repertoire.
EXPs:
• being pushy & overly-inquisitive with new people or groups, because we so much want to connect & figure out what’s safe, misunderstood
➖ is considered intrusive, uncouth & tactless

• being distant, aloof, non-communicative, because we don’t want to be intrusive or disrespectful,
➖ are considered stuck up or a cold fish

• being argumentative, over-questioning, even a bit belligerent, because we’re desperate to understand something,
➖ is considered disrespectful, stubborn, ‘difficult’

• making a joke of very painful or abusive events (about ourselves OR to ‘help’ someone in distress),
➖ but get frowns, withdrawal or told we’re being insensitive (true), when we think we’re just trying to lighten the mood! ….

🗑️ We also STAY confused when we:
• believe that ignoring an unpleasantness makes it not real or it’ll disappear. When it comes back to bite us, we’re shocked & confused
• don’t recognize conflicting emotions & beliefs @ self & the world
when we:
• refuse to see & deal with what others tell us @ themselves (deny who they are)
• repeat old family patterns & expect a different outcome
• resist other’s attempts to tell us the truth / reality @ something
when we:
• try to get other adults to take care of us. Most won’t, & either avoid us or show anger at our neediness
• try to do too many things at one time, not planning things out & then fail or never finish
• try to please everyone else, but never ourselves, & then wonder why we’re exhausted AND not appreciated ….

NEXT: Confusion #3c

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS : Confusion #2f

 

 

 

ADULT Confusion

As adults, ACoAs tend to live too much in our head, yet are endlessly confused (a cognitive NOT emotional issue) because of all the mental spinning with CDs & S-H – obsessive & tortuous ‘thinking’.
We’re inundated by the ‘committee’ of internal voices we’re trying to ignore but can’t. Our crazy-making round-table consists of the WIC & various parts of the PP (mother, father, other relatives, school, society, religious beliefs….).

Our Reasonable Adult may even occupy a seat but doesn’t have a strong enough voice to win out. What’s totally missing at the table for most ACoAs is a Loving Parent ego state – the other half of the UNIT, to protect the WIC. What’s missing is our True Self, who knows that “I know what I know – but can’t know everything!”.

• Much of the time ACoAs are immobilized for ourselves – because:
– we can’t see who we really are, not allowed to admit what we truly like, need or want
– we’re afraid to make any decision, sure it will be wrong, & then we’ll be hurt (“I indecisiondon’t want to be alone this evening, but if I go to the event I’ll be judged by everyone in the room”)

– we’re can’t bear the idea that whatever choice we make will eliminate others we would also have liked — at the same time! (“I want to go to the party with my friends AND I want to go to the concert”)
– we’ve been taught to rarely or never choose what’s best for us in the moment (“I’m very lonely & sooo want to go on this date, but I really should stay home & recover from this wicked cold”)…..

SOURCES
1. Confusing OURSELVES
PURPOSE: • To obey toxic family rules, loyal to family dysfunction, we deny our rights, boundaries, emotions, intuition….
• to protect ourselves from getting even more abandoned in PMES ways & being punished, judged, made fun of
• to get out of being responsible for ourselves, our emotions & needs

a. Confuse EMOTIONS with THOUGHTS (review posts) —
— by using the word ‘FEEL’ 3 ways: a. Sensations (hungry, cold…), b. Emotions (sad / happy…) and c. Thoughts (I feel THAT…).
To become UNconfused, at least when thinking to yourself, only use FEEL to express categories a. & b., never c.
Ts vs Es
NOTE: Any time you start a sentence with “I feel…..” make sure the next word is an emotion word, & you can feel several at the same time: “I feel excited, but a little scared…. / I feel disappointed & frustrated, but resigned ….

REMEMBER: If what comes after “I feel—” is a whole sentence (I feel < > like they don’t understand me), then it’s a thought / opinion / belief or legitimate observation…. but no emotion is stated, even though one or more may be hiding in the forest of words.
Between the < > there is likely an unacknowledged emotion, as in “I’m <ANGRY> that they always misunderstand what I say”.

b. Confuse EMOTIONS with ACTIONS
“I don’t feel like going there / working today / seeing that movie….”. is about actions, not emotion, even though, again, there are some implied. It would be more accurate to say “I’m too scared to go there / I hate my job so I’m not going to work today / I get upset watching spooky movies, so…”

c. Having MULTIPLE emotions at the same time about a situation, especially if they seem contradictory. All we have to remember is that they arise from different ego states, & does NOT mean we’re crazy or wrong. Humans are complex.

d. Making ASSUMPTIONS (makes an ‘Ass-of-U-&-Me’) about other people or situations, because we’re going by old scripts (Ts) & old experiences (As), rather than observing what’s real in the present or checking things out.
ACoAs are intensely reluctant to ask for information or for help. So the outcome of events or relationships often are not what we believed or expected – confusing us.

• Re. Authorities (boss, doctor, teacher…). Because ACoAs are desperate for good, safe, knowledgeable parents, we endow authority figures with superior qualities that no one could live up to, & assume they’re going to provide what we didn’t get as kids. When they don’t live up to our expectations (or their claims) we get deeply disappointed, confused & angry.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 3b)

ACoAs & CONFUSION as Kids (Part 2f)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confuing othersI KEEP TRYING TO CONNECT
but always seem to get it wrong!

PREVIOUS: Confusion (#2e)

SITE:  The Value of Constructive Criticism

QUOTEs: “I pretty much stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.” ~ Johnny Depp
•“If I looked confused, it’s because I’m thinking.”~ Samuel Goldwyn

Childhood CONFUSION : OTHER sources (cont)
3. Communication DISTORTIONS (cont)
c. Events NEVER discussed
d. Inappropriate information

e. Subtext – implied meanings we all get, but can’t always put into words. And it’s never kind or helpful!   EXP of subtext: “Even Johnny got an A on that test” – could mean: Johnny isn’t very bright // the test was that easy

AND for ACoAs – Painful stab-in-the-heart comments from parent to child:
• “You know dear, it’s better to have brains than looks”, means you’re not a pretty girl, so be happy you can rely on being smart (just trying to be helpful!)
• “I never expected you to understand”, means I actually expect you to read my mind son, but you’re stupid, or too selfish to bother considering me

• “See, she got one”. Perfectionistic mother is so constantly focused on daughter’s appearance, it makes the girl complain that she’ll never get a guy because she doesn’t think she’s pretty.
One day the 2 are out walking, & across the street mom spots an unattractive woman arm-in-arm with a plain-looking man – & points this out.
?? Does she really think she’s being ‘encouraging’ ?? while reinforcing daughter is ugly!

• Secretary – boss says she “needs xerox copies of certain papers – immediately”, no delay. Along with all the boss’s demands is the implied threat of punishment or dismissal – keeping employees frightened & compliant. As usual, the ACoAs worker rushes to obey, but finds those papers still lying around 2 days later! Crazy making.

• ‘You can do anything you want”. Sounds good, as if you’re given the freedom to pursue your own course in life. BUT in a dysfunctional family, children understand the subtext – even if they can’t describe it. Focus is on DO-ing rather than BE-ing.
Actually MEANS:
– parents can’t be bothered / don’t take the time & effort…. to find out what exactly you dreams of, or are inherently good at
– it leaves you with too many options, with no boundaries, and no guidance or explanation of process (HOW TO get to a goal)
– you’re only allowed to choose what the family approves of, so can’t make a mistake. Wrong one may cause a lot of anger or flat-out rejection
– no support, encouragement or admiration for the choice actually made

⬆ MOST important: whatever you choose to do in life has to make THEM look & feel good about themselves. It’s their narcissism – you’re not considered a separate person, only an extension of them.
RESULT: The ACoA either rebels – you do things to piss them off
OR you do whatever they told you to, no matter how unsuitable – & that you hate
OR drift & never quite decide.
Even more confusing is one of the Toxic Rules: “You have to always struggle, but can never get there.”

f. Silence as punishment : When a parent passive-aggressively (P-A) stodouble messagesps talking to their child, it severs the vital connection between them, always devastating to the child.
The angry adult may get temporary narcissistic satisfaction hiding behind their wall of disdain (“I’m more powerful, so I can shut you out”),
but ultimately P-A behavior is even more destructive than overt aggression. Virtually all interactions with a P-A person end up confusing & destructive (see post: “Anger Categories #10”)

g. Double Messages cause confusion because :
• we were punished if we didn’t know how to —> shop for our dinner, care for the pets, fix the washing machine, get all As in school….  AND
• we were punished (or made fun / teased) if we —> did things better than the adults such as playing board games, getting awards in school, making our clothes or balsa models, making friends….. (see posts: DMs, 1-9 & DB, 1-10)

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 3a)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2e)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

confusion 6I’M JUST FOLLOWING
everything I learned at home!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2d)

QUOTE: “If you can’t convince them, confuse them” ~ Harry S Truman


Childhood CONFUSION : OTHER sources (cont)
2. Gender confusion (in #2d)

3. Communication DISTORTIONS (cont)
a. Conflicting information
b. Lack of information
– Expected to know how to do things by ourselves, even as very small kids, without guidance or practical knowledge: math problems, what to do when you get your period, doing housework, how to cook, do repairs to house & car, shop….. OR
– Not allowed to help them do things around the house because they were so  impatience, drunk or didn’t know how to explain

RESULTS : • believing we’re too stupid to learn
• not actually knowing how to do things, even basic self-care
missing info• unrealistic expectations re. what we should know (grandiosity) about everything, all the time. So we’re confused & full of S-H when we can’t be all-knowing & ‘perfect’
BUT
• if we did figure out how to do certain things on our own (ACoAs are actually very smart, determined & resourceful) we don’t valued the results of our efforts – convinced that if we did it, it can’t be very good.
We think our actions (skill & talents) are only kosher if someone else shows us ‘how to’, & says they’re acceptable! Even then we often don’t believe the complements & validation. SAD.

c. Events / situations NEVER discussed, explained or processed:
– broken promises denied, & never apologized for or corrected
– death of a family member (including previous children), a twin or biological parent you weren’t told about, disappearance of a beloved pet…with no time to grieve or reminisce
– fights so loud/violent that cops are called
– loss of jobs (often from drinking), with no acknowledgement or responsibility for messing up
– moving (perhaps many times) without preparation, or explanation….
– parents fighting at night, mom is black & blue

d. Inappropriate information: Using a child as an adult confidant
EXP: • While dad & brother slink off upstairs, drunk mom keeps young teen up night after night, forcing daughter to listen to her slurred ramblings – complaints about her bad marriage, money problems, hated relatives….. Next day no one -ever- says a word about it

• The child (any age) gets the message – in some form – that:
“You’re my only hope, no one but you understands me, I can’t have anyone else take care of me but you, you can never leave me”….. (More….)

RESULT: Besides feeling trapped & enraged, the confusion is about your role in the relationship. You’re being treated as a friend / caretaker rather than a son or daughter.
You like the feeling of being confided in & needed, but they’re never available for you to ‘rest in’, to rely on, to go to when feeling ‘weak’, needy, in pain, overwhelmed with the responsibility…. You’re only acceptable, petted, admired (if at all) for taking care of them.
SO – ACoAs end up believing that this kind of sick symbiotic connection is real intimacy!

Overt incest – aside from the horror of the violation & profound breach of trust – confusion can set in IF :
💨 the parent tells the child they’re needed, loved, being favored, BUT also threaten punishment & withdrawal of love if the child reveals their ‘secret’
💨 the child is a bit older & has ‘pleasurable’ physical reaction to sexual stimulation, while too young for sexual activity, AND not wanting parental attention in that way

Covert incest is even more confusing. Aside from power & control, thecaretaker child parent treats the child as if they were another adult – instead of caring for, protecting & nurturing them. (More….)  It can come in the form of:
• a mother half-dressed & flirting with your friends or dates
• a father lying around the house in underwear showing his privates
• a child being watched ‘hungrily’ while undressing or in the bathroom…
• a child treated as a substitute spouse by either parent – as when a mother “husbandizer” a son, or a father going to his daughter for emotional comfort
• children told lewd jokes, taken to brothels, called a slut, using sexual language about everything – all in the guise of “Ha Ha, aren’t I a cool parent!”

NEXT: Confusion #2f

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2d)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confusion #5BUT SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME– & of course I believe her!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2c)

SITEs:”Gender Identity – Prenatal Factors”
• “Gender Identity & Gender Confusion in Children”


📕🖌️Childhood CONFUSION : OTHER sources (cont)
1. Being LIED to (in #2c)
2. Gender confusion – here this only refers to parents causing a distortion in the child’s identity, rather than being born gay, bi or trans-gendered. Children want to be acceptable & loved by parents, so look to them for information & validation. When parents hate themselves & the opposite sex, they do a great deal of harm. There are a number of possible permutations to this twisting.

IF:gender cinfusion – a ‘sick’ /alcoholic father raises a daughter by himself, & continually expresses hatred for women (mother, ex-wife….), THEN this daughter will not learn how to be feminine, & may try to be ‘invisible’ or to act like a boy

IF – a cruel mother systematically negates a daughter’s gender, THEN the girl may take on the characteristics of a boy, OR just hates her own, hiding behind promiscuity, overweight, isolation….

IF – a narcissistic mother has a son but wanted a daughter, & so from infancy treats him as a girl
THEN he may take that on as his identity, or express his rage by rape, addictions, macho fighting….

IF – a controlling father wanted a son but only got a daughter
THEN he may try to turn her into a boy to be an extension of himself, & she’ll try to be the best baseball player or company ‘man’ – if she has the ability. If not, she’ll only get disapproval & disdain….

3. COMMUNICATION Styles – review
• Passives truly believe their needs don’t count. They’re sort of like mice – small & timid – doing just about anything to avoid confrontations or being ‘seen’. They like to please others, usually at their own expense, which eventually builds into resentment

• Aggressives act as if only their needs matter. They accuse, insult, yell, threaten & dominate. Not surprisingly, they’re often in relationships with passivescomm styles

• Passive-aggressives don’t think their needs matter, but also angry about not getting them met. They use manipulation, guilt & subtle ‘games’ to get what they want because they’re not allowed to ask outright.
They hide their aggression by staying quiet, ‘forgetting’ things, refusing to listen, changing plans at the last minute…. & never admitting their anger & outrage

❇ Assertives recognize that everyone’s needs are important, so they use honest, neutral language to ask. This requires a level of emotional vulnerability, which comes with some emotional/mental maturity. Rewards : getting their own needs met, expressing emotions freely but appropriately, with healthier relationships, so everyone feels heard & connected, most of the time

Communication DISTORTIONS
a. Conflicting information: Damaging adults insist you see the world in their same slanted way, even with much evidence to the contrary. We heard:
• “Purple is Green, you don’t really see that, I’m not an alcoholic, your brother isn’t really dangerous, no one is to be trusted, no one will ever like / love you ….”

• “We’ll help you any way we can / you can tell us anything / we’ll always be there for you” BUT when do you go to them …. they negate what you say, make excuses, make it your fault, make it all about them….
They don’t actually want to deal wdouble talkith your emotional needs, nor will they tell the truth about what’s really going on in the family

• “Of course I love you”. BUT that’s not how it feels – as they alternately neglect & hurt you
• “Do as I say, not as I do”. Kids are master imitators – that’s how they learn. When adults’ rules & actions are diametrically opposed to their words, kids get thoroughly confused.

As kids, if we recognize their ‘game’, we feel betrayed, their hypocrisy leaving us with no one to trust. AND – which version do we follow? If we disobey the rules we get punished, but if we obey them we betray ourselves!
THEY SAY : • “Don’t lie” & then they lie in blatant or subtle ways
• “Never use drugs” as they smoke all day & drink like fish….
• “You’ll be the death of me yet”.  So I wonder “Am I a potential murderer?” What if they die young-ish? And if they’re still alive many years later, what does that mean??

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 2e)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

teaching congusionWHICH WAY DO I TURN?
They’re mixing me up! (# 4)

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2b)

 
🖌️ Childhood CONFUSION : PARENTAL sources (2b)

📕🖌️ Childhood CONFUSION (cont) OTHER sources
1. Being LIED to
a. about US
EXP: Sick little boy is dressed up, & some of this things put in a suitcase.
TOLD: “You’re going to a party & staying over for a while”.
REALITY: Child is taken to the hospital for procedure, dropped off & just left!

COMMON LIES parent lying
• You killed your mother (at birth)
• Your bad behavior caused your father’s drinking
• You can go play later – when all your work is done
• That therapist is bad for you / confusing you (tells you I hurt you)
• You’re a ‘bad seed’
• You’re father didn’t meant to hurt you/ he really loves you but doesn’t know how to show it….

EXP: 4 yr. child bumps her head while playing under the dining table. She’s bleeding & goes crying to her mother. Mom (also a drunk) yells at her: “You’re not really hurt!. Go to your room.”

b. about THEM
EXP: A boy’s mother spent most of 20 yrs holed up in her bedroom.
TOLD: Mom is suffering from menopause. (She was in her early 30‘s).
TRUTH: She was either drunk, sleeping it off or hung over!
It was only many years later, as a young man, he learned that menopause usually comes much later in life & doesn’t last 20 yrs!

COMMON LIES
• I’ve never said that! / I didn’t mean the way that sounded (Yes you did!)
• I’m never wrong / I’m perfect
• We’ll go to a movie / beach…..this weekend (not)
• I’ve never done anything wrong to you
• I’ll pick you up after school – but never shows up, or always very late
• I’ll come to see you at the game / in the play…. (not)

EXP: Severe alcoholic father TOLD the same story for years – that he was in WW II, on the front lines, & participated in terrible events.
TRUTH: For the whole war he was a supply clerk, & was never in combat.

EXP: Mom pushed to stay with daughter Marcia on a visit for a week in another city. Marcia kept saying “Come, but you can’t stay here”.lying mother
TOLD: “But I’m coming to see you, I’m just low on money, I won’t get in your way….”.

Marcia felt bad for mom’s ‘poverty’ but couldn’t put her up in the tiny apartment. In spite of Marcia’s explanations, mom decided to spent the last night of her trip at daughter’s place, and then announced this ‘favor’ at the last minute without asking if it was OK.  Marcia felt she could handle that much, so agreed.

TRUTH: Mom brought along a BFF, stayed in a fancy hotel for the week AND between lunch visits with Marcia, went shopping – buying many expensive clothes & shoes – & then showing them off on that last evening! Poor????

c. about OTHERS in the family
EXP: Early Saturday a.m. child looks out front window & sees dad face down on the lawn. Terrified, child rushes to wake mom, screaming “Dad’s dead, dad’s dead!” Mom reluctantly comes down to see, looks out & says: “Oh, your dad just went camping last night”. REALLY??
TRUTH: Dad was out drinking – again – & passed out before he could get in the house. Child is confused. If this is camping, where’s the tent?

EXP: Family myth – Grandpa was a traveling salesman & died tragically in a train derailment
TRUTH: He was on a train, but merchandise wasn’t the only thing he was carrying. He was with one of many ‘girlfriends’, got into a drunken fight with her husbandeath bed lied & was killed. Not a good guy, & not tragic!

EXP: Selena is an only child of 2 severely alcoholic parents – who fought like 2 wet cats for 40 yrs. Dad dies of cirrhosis. A few years later, on her deathbed, Selena’s mom tells her: “Your dad was not your biological father”, & before she’s willing to say more, mom dies.
🔹There are no other relative to get info from, so to this day Selena still doesn’t know if her mom was lying or not!

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (#3a)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

confused IDWHO AM I?
what am I supposed to be?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2a)

SITE: Identity vs Role Confusion – Stage 5

QUOTE: “May the forces of evil be confused on the way to your house” ~ George Carlin

📕🖌️Childhood CONFUSION (cont.) : PARENTAL sources
1. THEIR Narcissism

• Mother to child: “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”. HUH???
• Bragging about us to others, to make themselves look good – but never complementing us directly – while constantly tearing us down to our face.
We may or may not find out what they’ve been saying behind our back, but it doesn’t help. Are they proud of me or not?? What do others really think?  (3 Types of narc parents ➡️)

• EITHER: We’re absolutely convinced one or both parents are withholding – of love, attention, information, protection, affection….. when in fact they don’t have it to give because of their own damage. The smart, intuitive part of us DOES know it- but is too painful to acknowledge, so we blame ourselves!

OR – one parent is the pillar of the community, giving to others of their time, attention, knowledge, camaraderie…. BUT at home is withholding & distant, or blatantly abusive to wife &/or kids. No one will believe you if you tell – you would be a liar or the crazy one!

OR – he or she gives our toys, clothes, gifts…. to others, without any warning or discussion (stealing from us) to be the big-shot, to make themselves feel better & seem important, be admired. They’re feeding off of others because they’re empty inside.
Confusion: My parent is a ‘good’ & beloved person, so why not to me??

2. Hypocrisy – more likely to occur in externally functioning (dysfunctional) families – but not exclusively. Kids know when adults are being dishonest, but this will cause too much cognitive dissonance, so they end up believing the lies, & then have to work very hard to validate & justify their parents’ actions & statements, just to not feel crazy.
We’re all familiar with the preacher / public servant / spiritual teacher type who publicly advocates purity, sobriety, family values…. but privately does the opposite – until they get caught! (More...)2-faced

• A favorite manipulation of many parents is “Do as I say, not as I do”. This is very confusing, since kids automatically & relentlessly copy what the adults do, as much as absorb what they’re told.

Ironically, those of us who said “I’ll never BE like them” end up either following the same patterns directly (maybe in a disguised form), OR marrying / working for someone just like them. Among many other reasons ACoAs copy them, it’s our loyalty to family, and an attempt to eliminate confusion

3. Mental & Emotional illness (especially harmful when it’s the mother).
From the very beginning of life these children are trapped with real crazinesmental illnesss – someone who never makes any sense, or is only intermittently lucid – so their first relationship is with someone who twists, manipulates, gaslights —> ”false information presented to make a victim doubt their memory, perception & sanity”

• The parent may be psychotic, or ‘just’ severely depressed, drunk / drugged, suicidal…. ending up in the hospital, probably several times, with very little or no explanation given (needed info), with the child not allowed to visit, not knowing if the parent will ever be back….

OR being forced to take care of the debilitated parent at home, along with siblings – for many, many years, subjected all the while to mental confusion & cruelty.
It’s one more way we become deeply ashamed of ourselves (being part of that weird or shameful family). We learn never to rely on or trust others, or on our own intuition & experience.
Am I a child or am I the parent? Am I evil? Am I crazy too???

Early Confusion: Having several caretakers – being sent to live with relatives, having too many sitters, shunted to many foster homes, adopted – but not told, several step-fathers…. Who are my real parents? does anyone truly love me? where do I belong?

NEXT: Confusion  #2b