PREVIOUS : What NOT to do (# 1)

SITE : When it’s all About THEM

REMEMBER: YOU can NOT get a totally blind person (Ns) to see

WHAT NOT to do with Ns (cont)

✋🏼 DO NOT pay constant attention
BECAUSE if you focus on everything they do & say you’ll become totally distracted from your own needs & goals.  Don’t let yourself be unsettled by the N’s constant ‘attention seeking’. Create firm boundaries, while acknowledging the N’s desires without always giving in

✋🏼DO NOT personalize what they do
BECAUSE all their patterns are about THEM – never about you! Yes it effects you, but until you get it, you’ll feel bad about yourself.

Taking personally what Ns do or say grants them real estate in your mind & heart, which is exactly what they want. They’ll target anyone who happens to cross their path. While their worst abuse is often reserved for those closest to them, no-one is immune. It’s not personal, just what they do.

✋🏼 DO NOT try to justify or explain yourself
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll just make a fool of yourself. Ns like to undermine & see you squirm. Explaining your emotions or justifying beliefs & opinions is a waste of time. They’re not listening – only interested in winning, not communicating.

Do not defend yourself ever – but especially to a N, who will try hard to make you doubt what you’ve experienced or heard them do & say. Ns use attack questions or sarcasm to put others on the defensive so you’ll feel the need to explain your very right to be alive

✋🏼DO NOT minimize their outrageous behavior
BECAUSE if you do – it will wear a hole in your mind & spirit. Ns’ total self-absorption takes up all the psychic oxygen in the room. Over time, people constantly exposed to NPDs become inured (numb) to how badly they’re being harmed. Ns deceive, manipulate & humiliate others. Don’t whitewash or excuse them & never ignore how dysfunctional their words & actions are

✋🏼 DO NOT expect them to own their part
BECAUSE otherwise you’ll drive yourself ‘crazy’ trying to convince the N. It’s a waste of time to make them be accountable for unhealthy behavior. They only take credit & give blame, never apologize or admit responsibility. They see their accomplishments & successes as a ‘special’ talent, so their flaws have to get projected on to others

✋🏼 DO NOT give in to their love-bombing attempts
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll get conned into thinking they care about YOU. Their overwhelming attention is actually the way Ns fast-forward false emotional & physical intimacy.

It’s meant to manufacture a quick connection so they can ‘feed’ on you. Don’t let them. Don’t respond right away to every text, call or request for in-person meetings – to give yourself time & space to think

✋🏼 DO NOT give them ammunition
BECAUSE if you do – they’ll use anything you divulge to humiliate & control you, especially when you’re most vulnerable or in need. The more personal information you share – especially in the early ‘pink cloud’ days of a relationship – the more ammunition they’ll have to use against you!

That means – don’t talk about your deepest wounds, fears, insecurities & traumas. Everything will inevitably be thrown back at you to paint you as unstable, crazy or ‘losing it’. It may be a personal tidbit you mentioned in passing or a deep ‘truth’ you shared in confidence.

And they will, even if not right away. They can attack when you least expect it, when they’re angry at you about something – especially when you inadvertently displeased them, complained about something they did or didn’t do, or just weren’t paying them any attention.

NEXT : What NOT to do (Part 3)

PREVIOUS : What Ns want you to be #3

SITE : Narcissistic Love vs Unconditional Love

The 3 BIG Don’ts

1. DO NOT try to change them – ever!
BECAUSE No-one can change another person, but especially a N, who doesn’t see anything wrong with themselves.

Unhealthy co-deps are deeply afraid of feeling abandoned by others, & don’t believe that have any options because they’re not worthy & believe they don’t have any effect on the world.
So if a N chooses us, we’re grateful, since we think no-one else will ever want us, then we’ll be alone forever if we leave.

2. DO NOT fall for the “poor suffering” N game
WHY? BECAUSE it’s a con-job – to get you to do all the internal work in their life for them, so they never have to.
Take the time to find out who they really are, before you commit yourself – emotionally, financially, friend-wise career-wise…..

Ask other people who know them a long time(especially ex-s), work with or for them, their siblings…..Pay attention to the Red Flags – what they’re telling you about themselves (every one does).

Also, how you feel physically & emotionally when you’re with them AND after being around them. Are you angry & drained? Do you look forward to their company, or dead it?

3. DO NOT try to save them from themselves
BECAUSE = a. You can’t & they won’t let you
b. their armor is too thick to penetrate
c. their denial is fool-proof (you being the fool)
d. their self-destructiveness is deep-seated 
e. to ‘get better’ they’d have to be introspective & take responsibility, but NPDs never will
f. they love to destroy others as well
💠

😱DO NOT underestimate the power of narcissism (N)
BECAUSE if you do – it will suck you in to being used in their clever but desperate search for “supply”: to get attention, control, power, sexual conquest, wealth…. Their hunger is bottomless, & the drive to ‘feed’ is so powerful that Ns will even betray people closest to them

With the most severe cases – the NPDs – minor behaviors may shift over time, but their underlying psychological dynamic lasts a lifetime. So hoping narcissists will ever improve is a delusion

✋🏼 DO NOT be confrontational….
….. about anything, or that they’re a N, if possible.
BECAUSE if you do – they’re likely to lash out in rage or punish you in some other way for exposing them. It can be total silence, or major gaslighting or more love-bombing to win you back & make you think they’ve changed. It’ll only keep you stuck in the abuse cycle

✋🏼DO NOT take them at face value
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll be left holding an empty shell. All that glitters is not gold. Ns work tirelessly to present a perfect facade of superiority & certainty, to keep others guessing. Underneath, many (but not all) feel empty, insecure & illegitimate. Don’t mistake the mask as an indicator of goodness or truth

✋🏼 DO NOT expect empathy or fairness
BECAUSE if you do – you’ll always be left hanging, or worse – keep getting re-traumatized, if you’re an ACoA.
Empathy comes from the assumption that everyone is worthwhile, deserving equal attention & compassion – which Ns do not believe. Their grandiosity & sense of entitlement eliminates consideration, fair-play or reciprocation

✋🏼 DO NOT try to beat them at their own game
BECAUSE they’re much better at one-upmanship than you are. Ns spend all their time perfecting a campaign of self-aggrandizement, carrying out more manipulative actions in a week than most people do all year.
Ns have a mortal fear of being humiliated & feeling inferior. So great energy goes into cultivating ego-boosting sources, at others’ expense

NEXT: Don’t do…. #2

 
PREVIOUS : Narcissists’ FEARS (#2)

❧ INTIMACY
Genuine intimacy includes trust, understanding & being understood. It relies on endurance, safety, mutuality, respect & transparency. Without appropriate self-disclosure, there can be no intimacy. Anyone in an intimate relationship (beyond sex) can reveal vulnerabilities without expecting it to be used against them.

People with personality disorders (PDs) are afraid of mature intimacy – which requires genuine emotional involvement & being honest with oneself, which N’s are not.
Un-‘educated’ partners of NPDs confuse intimacy & intensity. Ns are extremely good at giving the appearance of intimacy, but can turn it on & off as it suits them. When they’re needy, they offer such a  good fake version, which is very appealing, that it’s hard to resist. But when they’ve gotten their hit, they immediately go back to being selfish. Ns are the ultimate users.

Generally, Ns are extremely uncomfortable when ‘normal’ people try to bond with them (neuro-typical significant others = NT S/Os).  So Ns may not recognize that this is the “push” trigger that starts them devaluing the partner or friend, who will never be able to convince the NPD that their fear of intimacy is at the heart of their relationship-problems.

PROCESS of DEVALUING a relationship
💌the N meets a S/O who has the ability to provide the kind of love they crave
💌 the infatuation / idealization phase gets set in motion
💌This creates a euphoria from powerful neuro-chemicals that anesthetizes the N, which temporarily dampen their  reflexive instinct to throw up narcissistic defenses.

📭As the relationship continues, the N’s high wears off (the end of infatuation phase) & they return to their ‘normal’ unhealthy state

🎈Since the S/O (unaware of the N’s internal change) continues to offer unconditional love which the N didn’t get from their parents in childhood, & so can’t trust that anyone else will ever provide

🎁Mature intimacy offered by the S/O comes with the inevitable traveling companion of “vulnerability”, which NPDs cannot tolerate. It exposes old abandonment pain & the fear of future loss, which they’ve never learned to face & deal with (POSTs : “What Recovery Is / Isn’t“)

TRIGGER ALERT
💔 The N is subconsciously triggered when they start to FEEL emotions that come from someone loving them, which are are new & so alien that it causes a great deal of confusion. They feel intimidated & overwhelmed

🤎 This subconsciously sets the N on high alert, potentially being ‘forced’ to experiencing their greatest enemy – emotional pain

😱 In this state of hyper-sensitivity the N can start to experience mounting anxiety, despondence & irritation, with a sense of impending doom – without understanding why

⚡️Before long the N is caught up a Category-5 emotional hurricane of rapidly changing feelings, attacked by the stinging rain of vulnerability-terror

⚡️They’ll convert “softer” feelings toward the S/O into anger, & possibly hatred, with a stronger & stronger urge to get rid of the source of the pain

⚡️The N’s maladaptive defenses prevent them from distinguishing friend from
foe, so they act against their own best interests.
Their subconscious starts whispering an endless stream of self-hating & paranoid intrusive thoughts ➡️, which convince the NPD-sufferer to accuse the S/O of causing their ever-increasing angst & agitation

⚡️The tragic twist is that it’s the S/O’s love that inadvertently triggers the N, by providing them with the very thing they’ve always wanted – mature adult intimacy – but which they’re terrified of trusting in

⚡️Unfortunately, since the N is not consciously aware of what’s going on inside, they inevitably push the S/O away, unable to recognize that their misery has nothing to do with the S/O, who’s done nothing wrong

💔Pushing away people who are truly capable of psychological / spiritual intimacy & love leaves the N even more deprived & ‘starving’, but provides temporary relief from intense anxiety, feeling elated & relieved after unshackling these ‘chains’.
This may temporarily set off depression & isolation, but eventually their emptiness can push the N to start the cycle all over again. Unable to be their own healer & comforter, they need to use other people to “feed off of”.

(SOURCE : Tod Skyler, attorney, 1/20/2020)

 NEXT: N ‘helpers”- BYSTANDERS #1

PREVIOUS  : Narcissists’ FEARS (Part 3)

❧  Low Status
Many overt Ns relentlessly pursue positions of power & influence – even as far back as high school – such as being class president. It was more than just a popularity contest, & now it’s serious competition to keep accumulating power. Ironically, many Ns seem to want recognition or admiration without any actual accomplishments or achievements, assuming they deserve power because they were ‘destined’ for it.

❧ Not able to communicate
G– forbid a N would be have to be without a cellphone, iPad or any other device – for even a day, much less a week. It would feel like torture & undeserved punishment. They need to be able to contact ‘supply’, people to fill the void in their personality. Not being able to do so weakens the N.

❧ Poor or fading looks
Ns don’t actually have to be good-looking to move through life on their narcapades. Those types can still find, use & discard available sources, just not as high a quality as they think they have a right to.

But if a N starts out attractive, then finds their looks fading, from over-indulgence, illness, accidents…. they won’t be able to keep or compete as well for high-level supply. With a bruised ego, they may decide to spend money or get someone else to pay for physical upgrades, like new clothes, physical enhancements….. whatever will makes the shallow N feel more desirable.  

❧ Poor health
It’s particularly hard on Ns, but they’ll try to make sure to have an ever-present empathetic victim to cater to their needs, & nurse them back to health. If their illness is chronic, & they have a spouse or adult-child they can control, they can have a lifetime slave at their beck & call. Also, active addicts find their continued use an effective way to trauma-bond their supply. 

❧ Remorse
It’s not just that they can’t feel remorse, it’s that they actively refuse to express it – by apologizing. They fiercely reject feeling bad about hurting others, which shows a very deep fear of emotional weakness. Remorse is an acceptance & admission of having made a mistake. For proud & haughty Ns, this is unthinkable.

❧ Self-evaluation
Ns have a false idea of themselves as superior beings, but some part of them knows it’s all a lie, which their mind shields them from facing. To look into this area of their identity would mean confronting everything that’s wrong with their personality, which Ns dread almost more than anything 

❧ Shamed
In the form of Public Humiliation. Ns greatly value social standing & reputation, assuming others think as highly of them as they do of themselves. It’s interesting that Ns fear shame, not guilt – which comes from feeling bad about hurting someone, or doing something wrong – which they don’t.
Being shamed scares Ns because it would mean being threatening their self-image

❧ Your clarity & memory of self
Hi on their NO-list is for you to remember life before you met them. Because it’s one of their bug fears, they’ll use all the manipulative tactics in their arsenal to deaden your awareness & reprogram your mind

❧ Vulnerability, & expressions of Emotions
Narcissists often use cognitive empathy to fake interest in other people’s emotions. They use it to “gain entry” into your vulnerability, to establish a trust & rapport using false kindness & ‘understanding’.
However, they loathe being vulnerable & showing their emotions, seeing these as a sign of weakness. Instead, they use it to take advantage of you when your defenses are down

❧ When you change the status quo
Narcissists hate change when it’s out of their control. When you choose yourself, you choose to remove yourself from abuse. That frustrates them, but you have a right to focus on your healing, even if it makes the N  miserable (temporarily). Do not feel sorry for them – they’ll just replace you.

❧ Death
Ns think of themselves as all-powerful, all-knowing superior beings – even the Coverts, who assume they have the power to harm someone with just their thoughts & feelings!
Death is the ultimate destroyer of even the most powerful, making them like everyone else, realizing all their machinations to stay on top were pointless. Oh Horror!

NEXT:

PREVIOUS  : Narcissists’ FEARS (#1)

What SCARES Narcissists? (cont)

❧ Caught at being a fraud or liar
Ns are famous for lying or exaggerating to make themselves seem important or impressive to others, as well as to make themselves feel better about their status. Since they know they’re stretching the truth they’re secretly worried about being caught. So calling them on their B.S. can set off a rage, a distraction, justifications, or more lies

❧ Commitment
Being in a relationship means a partner will get to know the N, including faults & embarrassments. Letting people see imperfections in their character is unbearable. Also, “sexual narcissism” (usually in men) is about creating a fake idea that they’re much better in bed than they actually are. Long-term relationship will expose any inadequacies in this area too.

❧ Consequences
This is about setting boundaries with a N, stating what will happen if they overstep, & implementing the results you identified ahead of time.
They can’t see when they’re wrong, & can’t understand how anyone would ever think they were.
And even if the N ‘admitted’ a mistake, they simply wouldn’t care. So they over- or under-react to boundaries being set for them, using anger or ‘serious talks’ as a way to intimidate you into backing off

❧ Factual Talk
May Ns use excessive, long-winded language charged with grandiose emotion, spending their whole lives observing the emotional language of other people to their advantage.  They skew reality to meet their worldview, & believe their truth is always the truth.

Therefore, they hate when anyone challenges them with realistic facts, instead of your emotions. Ironically, They can retaliate with more arguing (cognitive) & hysteria (their emotions) trying to elevate the conversation’s intensity by throwing an emotional temper tantrum. This childish response simply shows they feel out-of-control

❧ Gratitude
Like remorse, gratitude is another emotion seen as a sign of weakness by Ns – as if it gives other people power over them. Since Ns never do anything for ‘free’, they can’t imagine someone showing them a kindness without payment expected.  Or, Ns can’t admit they may have needed help. Either way, it means they owe someone, which would make them an equal, or worse yet: one-down.

❧ Insults
Insults are about the person – their identity – & Ns are hypersensitive to being verbally abused. They feel the sting of it more than non-Ns, a crushing blow to their already fragile ego.
They’ll brood & sulk about it for weeks, or never get over it – depending on the words & who said them – even plotting revenge toward the person who caused the injury.

❧ Jealousy
Ns are extremely possessive of their human supplier – even when devaluing & discarding someone. Their jealousy can be a constant accusation, or show up intensely if their victim actually cheats, leaves – or just pays more attention to someone else. They don’t want to lose even a smidgin of attention.

❧ Lack of admiration
In the N’s mind, admiration from others is the source of their power, so without it they’re nothing. When marginalized or ignored – for whatever reason – they experience it as being invisible, feeling totally irrelevance & unimportance – which they can’t bear.

❧ Lack of resources
This is mainly about physical needs.Yes, many Ns work long hours, to buy the best & the biggest,  away to fill the inner emptiness. Since Ns believe they’re entitled to everything, doing without – or having it taken away – can cause panic.
Also, losing practical resources, such as a car & house, will limit their ability to find & seduce someone new to take care of

❧ Losing at anything
Ns can be extremely sore losers, acting just like toddlers in a tantrum. They may seem to be struggling to accept losing, but then lash out when they do, which can lead to plenty of cheating & dramatic reactions for not being “on top”. 

EXP: They can pretend they don’t care about winning, insist they “let the other person” take the spotlight, OR refuse to accept they lost & awkwardly act as if they are the actual winner, OR may attack or humiliate the winner, repeatedly stating the person in charge (boss / referee) was incompetent, stupid, blind….

NEXT:

PREVIOUS : N. FEARS

SITE:
“10 ways to discourage a N from dating you“

DEFINITIONS re. Ns
🃏N. Collapse : when their manipulations & vulnerabilities are exposed or criminal activity caught, they no longer care what image they project, not able to be in control of themselves as they used to, acting unstable, even unhinged. Then – they can spring as fast as a rubber band, or stay collapsed for some time.

🃏N. Injury : a N. reacting badly to real or imagined criticism / judgment, when boundaries are set for them, or attempts are made to hold them accountable for harmful behavior. – Psych Central

🃏N. Tears : Don’t be fooled – they’re crying for themselves, not for you. These are crocodile tears, a term from an ancient anecdote about crocodiles weeping for the victims they’re eating. Now it’s about an NPD who wants to kill or actually causes the death of someone – but then publicly lament the loss. The may cry when their victim says they’re going to leave, the N’s abuse is identified by anyone, or sometimes when watching movies, TV, or the news

Even their emotions are narcissistic. IF their tears are real, the pain is about
themselves, and provides some attention. They get ‘supply’ in the form of sympathy or giving them the benefit of the doubt, or the empath doing things for them out of pity.

🃏 N. Trauma-Bonding : Victims become deeply attached to a N by the use of ‘intermittent reinforcement’– the manipulative maneuver of abuse mixed in with periodic affection at unpredictable moments. Each time the N is ‘kind’ the victim feels hopeful that things are finally better – until the next round. BTW – periods pf relief are always brief, while the cruelty takes up most of the relationship.

🃏N. Rage : the N reacts with intense anger, aggression, or passive-aggression when they have a disappointment or setback, which shatters their illusions of entitlement, grandiosity, & superiority, triggering their sense of inadequacy, shame & vulnerability.
◇ ◇ ◇

What SCARES Narcissists?

🚯 The N’s MAIN fear is of being Alone – without a steady stream of human ‘suppliers’ of worship! So much so, they’ll even go back to an inadequate previous resource (parent, lover, guru, boss….) who they previously dumped & slandered – if they don’t have any other option at the time.  “A lonely narc is a vulnerable one.”

❧ Authority
Ns detest authority. That’s because they resent having to answer to anybody but themselves. Any sense of authority threatens their inherent desires for power and control. To survive, many Ns are passive-aggressive toward bosses & other authority figures, seething inside with resentment that they don’t have all the power they think is their due. Others can come across as combative & unfit in professional environments. If confronted by their inappropriate behavior, they tend to deny or rationalize their part.

❧ Being told NO
This is one of their most hated words, along with Truth & Silence. Ns are used to manipulating & weaseling their way into getting what they want – spending their whole life charming people into meet their needs. Telling them NO – & being adamant – will usually get you an angry reaction. They’re not just frustrated,  they’re downright confused by it! no understanding they you have needs that are different from theirs.

❧ Criminal Justice System…
….. if facing Jail. They hate any serious loss of freedom, from ankle monitoring to house arrest to actual prison time. They think: “How could I end up in jail for something I definitely did & assumed I’d get away with!”
Unfortunately, Ns are very good at manipulating the judicial system, from cops to their own lawyers to judges, coming up with such crazy justifications for their behavior that it ‘has to be’ true.

❧ Criticism
Criticism is usually about what the Ns did or didn’t do which displeased someone – not about their carefully crafted identity.
That’s why criticism is less deadly to a N than an insult. No – they won’t like it at all, since they’re actually very sensitive – but only for themselves.

Criticism will take a toll, but may be laughed away or met with comebacks. They’re also famous for throwing the criticism right back at the speaker : ‘Yeah, well you did……’

NEXT: N’S FEARS – #2

PREVIOUS: Type of Readers, #1

QUOTE : “What I love most about reading is that it gives you the ability to reach higher ground & keep climbing.” ∼ Oprah

TYPEs of People (cont)

📱Highbrows
Don’t even think about gifting this reader a paperback romance from the supermarket. They take pride in their knowledge of the classics, or whatever book former presidents or influential scholars are currently raving about in their annual reading lists.

These types can’t be bothered with mass-market fiction or whatever the rest of us are reading on the beach. So unless you’re also a bit of a literary snob, you’re not likely to have a discussion with them about your favorite authors.

📱Hopeless Romantics
You probably guessed it – the Hopeless Romantic is a die-hard fan of romance novels, and they don’t care what Highbrow Readers or Nonfiction Nerds think. You can probably find every Danielle Steel novel ever written sitting on their shelves, along with a variety of historical romances & Nicholas Sparks staples.
And when the actors for the inevitable film adaptation are finally announced, you know they’ll have something to say about it!

📱Note-Takers
For some of you, your high school Lit teacher made you turn in your copy of Lord of the Flies to check your homework-assigned margin annotations.
But the Note-Taker doesn’t do this for a grade – it’s their passion! The margins in some of their old paperbacks could probably tell stories that beat the book itself. Taking notes while you read (fiction or nonfiction) can be a great way to process information & reflect on your own thoughts about the text.

📱Nonfiction Nerds
From self-help, to travel memoirs, to brilliant how-to hacks, the Nonfiction Nerd prefers facts over fiction. They’ll devour numbers, historical accounts, true-crime & every kind of real-life story. And they’re not wrong – after all, life is full of great stories.
We don’t always need made-up ones to stay interested. Plus, if you love picking up bits of random knowledge, the Nonfiction Nerd style is a great addition to your favorite one

📱Players
There’s plenty of love in this reader to go around (just don’t tell the others). The Player doesn’t like choosing favorites, but thanks to their curious mind & multi-tasking abilities, they don’t have to.
They can start mornings with an inspirational self-help book, & doze off in the evening with a bookmark in the latest sy-fy or romantic bestseller. Not everyone is comfortable with this kind of juggling, but The Player needs it to feel nourished

📱Repeaters
Polar opposite of the Player. Once the Repeat Reader pairs up with a book or author, they’re loyal for life. Whatever good intentions you may have when recommending a new book to them, they may smile politely before picking up their cherished copy of The Sun Also Rises for the 100th time, & are never bored. They’re not exactly obsessive (?), they just like to snuggle down & feel cosy with what’s familiar

📱Serial Binging
These readers are like Netflix binge-watchers – once they get a feels for a group of characters or a particular writer’s style, they can’t & won’t stop until they’ve read everything available so far. And pity the poor soul who has to keep this type company while they anxiously wait for the next release! Remember the long lines waiting hours for the next Harry Potter?

📱Series Lovers
These people must read (or audio-listen to) groups of consecutive novels – in whatever genre they’re passionate about at the moment – ongoing novels that carry over the same location & the same main characters throughout. That way they don’t have to feel abandoned at end of a favorite story. When they get their fill they can move on to anther series

📱Vacationers
Life’s busy. Sometimes the only chance you get to dive into a good book is on holiday. The Vacation Reader loves to unwind with a page-turner, whether they’re sprawled out on a beach, riding on a train, or sitting in their backyard with a glass of wine.

They read for pleasure, so don’t limit themselves to just one genre or class like Highbrows. Because they don’t have much free time, so when they do get to unwind, they choose what makes them happy.

NEXT: Narcissists’ FEARS, #1

PREVIOUS: Journaling, #4

Reading STYLES
Skim – rapidly, for the main points
Scan – rapidly, to find specific info needed
Revision – rapidly, to confirm understanding of familiar info
Intensive – in shorter texts, for detailed info, with emphasis on precise understanding
Extensive – in longer texts, often for pleasure & for overall understanding

Reading STAGES :
Before – get an overview from table of contents, headings….
During – read actively (highlight, make notes) & critically (ask pointed Qs)
After – thinking about the text, make a brief summary

TYPES of people

📱Book Clubbers
They make most of their reading choices from what their book club has been assigned at the moment, or on the recommendations of whichever celebrity book list they’re following.
And they wouldn’t be in bad company. Prominent figures such as the Obamas, Mark Zuckerberg, & Oprah are all known for sharing their suggestions, which are usually on point. Ask a Book Clubber what they’re reading – they can always help you find your next page-turner!

📱Catharsis Seekers
A good book should provide some ‘feels’, whether to make you laugh, sob, or feel nostalgic. Catharsis Seekers want to feel it all. They can even get so emotionally attached that they’re thrilled when a character falls in love & very sad when one dies.
If you’re thinking about a book character as you go through your day – you’re emotionally hooked.

📱eBook Deniers
Though many of us appreciate the benefits of an eReader, the eBook Denier refuses to adapt. They want the feel, smell & comfort of crisp pages, getting great pleasure from seeing treasured stacks of hardcovers & paperbacks piled up everywhere.
Technology is a godsend for lots of things, but don’t waste your breath trying to convince the eBook Denier a Kindle is much easier to use

📱Fiction Lovers
On the other end of the spectrum from the Non-fiction Nerds sits the Fiction Junkie, who is uncomfortable with too much reality. They’re not interested in the way things are or were. They crave stories from other worlds, other times & other dimensions.

But that doesn’t mean the characters aren’t real to them – just try talking to a Harry Potter superfan for 5 minutes & you’d think they studied at Hogwarts right next to Ron & Hermione.

📱Fickle Readers
These people might have a little of everything on their reading list, but have trouble seeing the job through. Unlike The Player, who knows how to spread the love around, the Fickle Reader tends to get bored fast – so they quickly move on to whatever catches their eye next. You could build a fort out of all the half-read books they have lying around

📱Film Buffs
Some people like to see film adaptations after they’ve finished the book. Others don’t, claiming the films are never as good as the books. And some prefer grabbing a copy of the book after falling in love with characters on the big screen. Either way – no judgment here

📱 Genre Snobs
These focused souls find a literary category early on & stick to it for life, or at least a decade. Some are only interested in anything non-fiction, considering the ‘other’ beneath their intelligence & therefore a waste of time. Some will only read spiritual or religious literature, others only technical manuals…. each turning up their nose at other categories. We may rightly think they’re missing out, but they’re satisfied

📱Harry Burns
In When Harry Met Sally, Harry explains that he likes to read the last page of a book first, so in case he dies, he’ll know how it ends.
These readers love to do the same, & they’ll keep doing it, whether you think it’s clever or a crime punishable by death.
FYI: If you’re thinking about planning them a surprise party, don’t.

📱 Hate-Readers
These are the people who will not allow themselves to quit reading a book they don’t like or that doesn’t hold any interest – even though they realize this after 2-3 chapters. They’re afraid they might miss something, OR have the illusion that it will get better if only they persist. Unfortunately the rest of their relationships are similar – they “stay too long at the fair!”, hanging on to people that are toxic or that they’ve outgrown. Don’t!

NEXT : Type of Readers, #2

 PREVIOUS : Writing for Personal Growth (#3)

SITE :“550 Prompts for Narrative & Personal Writing”

REMINDER : You do NOT have to answer every Q. each time you write. It will depend on how much time you have & if you’re very tired or stressed. You can do them in groups, or if short on time – pick one from each of the following 3 ‘books’ & only write the first thing that comes to mind. Use these Qs for your benefit, not as obligation. Do NOT let the WIC get overwhelmed.
                                    Writing PROMPTS

Practical = for Planning, ASK :
What am I going to do? How am I going to do it?
What tools or resources do I need?
Who can I ask for help / advice?
What would be the first steps?
«
Personal  = for Self-awareness & deeper reflection, ASK :
What made me who I are today, & why / how?
What have been the most memorable events of my life, & why?
What have been the happiest moments of my life, & why?
What would my ideal life look like?
Why are my major fears?
Why do I keep worrying / obsessing about _____ ?  
& Why am I hanging on?

Writing IDEAS for CHILDREN
🌼 Nature Journals – these can be used to keep track of the flora & fauna they see in nature, especially the species that interest them most

🌕 Daily Prompt – responding to a variety of prompts will give children a good open-ended opportunity to write about a new topic every day

❄️ Emotions Journal – when writing about their feelings, children can learn new vocabulary, identifying & recognizing emotions in themselves & others.

🚌 Vacation Journal – this fun version can be a good bonding opportunity for the whole family (or classroom). All the child needs to do is add pictures, memories, souvenirs, & anything else that reminds them of their vacation (Morin, 2018) «Journaling benefits to children 
📗 Enhance their reading skills, which helps with communication (written & verbal)
📝 Improve writing skills, including grammar, sentence structure, spelling & vocabulary

🔎 List pros & cons of something when needing to make a decision
🔎  See the positives as well as negatives in any situation
🔎 Gain insight into their own motives (for actions) & other’s motives
🔎 Plan out & practice tough conversations in advance
🔎 Reflect on their thoughts about something after the fact

💗 Opportunity to explore & identify all their emotions 
💗 Take advantage of an outlet for things that are hard to express or uncomfortable to share
💗 Help them deal with “big feelings” in practical & safe ways
💗 Give them permission to feel “taboo” emotions like loneliness, sadness, anger..… & for some – relaxation, relief & enjoyment! 

NEXT : Types of Readers, #1

PREVIOUS: WRITING for Mental Health (#2)

SITEs : “83 Benefits of Journaling for Depression, Anxiety & Stress”

BOOK: “Freedom Journaling! How to Journal Your Way to Success“

POST: Anxiety & T.E.A.

Physical & Mental HEALTH Benefits of Journaling
In the first study on expressive writing (Pennebaker & Beall, 1986), college students who wrote about their deepest thoughts & feelings reported significant benefits in objectively assessed & self-reported physical health, with less frequent visits to the health centre, & with fewer days out of school owing to illness.

📍Diarists become more in tune with their body’s processes by connecting with inner needs & desires. This can translate as needing fewer days for hospital ‘visits’
📍One study showed that expressive writing (like journaling) for only 15 to 20 min. a day 3-5x for 4-months – can decrease symptoms of many health conditions, such as significantly lowering blood pressure, & improving liver & lung functionality 

function, with can lessen symptoms of asthma & rheumatoid arthritis
📍Increases both length & quality of sleep
📍Encourages exercise, reducing physical pain, & has even been reported to help heal wounds faster

📍Helps the brain regulate emotions, which improves mood. This results in a feeling of well-being, leading to more self-confidence & a greater sense of one’s Identity
📍Unlocks & engages right-brained creativity, giving access to full brainpower

📍Boosts memory & comprehension, as well as increases working-memory capacity
📍Research shows that journaling helps develop more structured, adaptive, & integrated schemes about oneself, others & the world
📍May benefit social & verbal communication styles (objectively assessment)
 
📍Improves cognitive processing, which can limit Rumination (obsessions) 
📍Reduces absenteeism from work. Helps speed up re-employment after job loss
📍Raises students’ grade point average. Improves sporting performance

1. Re. ANXIETY – Journaling can:
☀︎Allow you to explore your experiences with anxiety
☀︎Calm & clear your mind, so you can let go of negative thoughts more easily
☀︎Identify childhood triggers & improve PMES self-awareness
☀︎Release everyday stressful events & pent-up emotions
☀︎Track your progress in Recovery, and validate your successes

WHAT :
☞ are the people/ place / things that trigger my anxiety? (Toxic Inner Dialogue, disappointments, criticism….)
☞ are all the strategies I use that help me cope with an anxiety attack?
☞ is my anxiety trying to tells me about myself? I can use the info to heal old wounds & motivate myself positively
☞ are 3 lessons I’ve gotten from my anxiety?
2. Re. DEPRESSION – Expressive writing seems to reduce symptoms:
🔅of depression in women traumatized by intimate-partner violence
🔅 even when it does not reduce the frequency of intrusive thoughts in depressed individuals
🔅 of depression in high-risk adolescents, & may be as effective as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) 
🔅of brooding & rumination in college students vulnerable to depression,  2 aspects of depressive symptoms 
🔅after only 3 days of journaling, 20 min. a day, lowering depression scores, as reported by people with Major Depressive Disorder 
🔅for as long as a person continues gratitude journaling

WHAT :
☞ was the most difficult experience I’ve had in life? (emotionally stressful or complicated, physically painful….) What did I do to deal with it?
☞ life lessons did I learn from the difficult experience?
☞ is my Inner Critic saying about the way I handled it? RESPOND by focusing on the positives

WHAT:
🏅are all the things I’ve already overcome in my life?
🏅have I done that was healthy & fun for myself? When?
🏅specifically could I do right now to make me feel happy? Keep it simple, & possible! Then DO IT.

🏅 are some things I’m grateful for? (in each PMES category). Cultivating gratitude can increase optimism, which will encourage us to keep working toward goals & thereby improve our quality of life. And there are different ways to express gratitude besides just making lists.

EXP: WRITE a letter to 3 of your greatest supporters, telling them how much you appreciate who they are & the ways they’ve been there for you. Be specific in PMES ways (Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual).

NEXT: Types of READERS