POST: ‘ My Rights’
** PLEASE also read the previous 3 posts in this series
1. Identify an activity (A) that makes you anxious just thinking about it! – going to a party, making a cold-call, asking for a need, verbally objecting to mistreatment ….
2. Before taking the action, list as many scary, mean, negative beliefs (T) about the action you can come up with, in 2 categories – ‘About Me’ & ‘About Them’.
These assumptions will come mainly from the WIC – (negative “I” statements), &/or Bad Parent voice (PP), using “You” statements.
🧩 Same CHART as “Why are you Stuck?”
✶ Include painful experiences you’ve already had with this particular scary person or event, so you’re clear about who or what you’re dealing with
— This can be tricky if you tend to paranoia, as your evaluation may be slanted or incorrect
— However, we often ignore what we DO know about people, places & things that are unpleasant, unsuitable or actually harmful
4. Afterwards, so back to the original list & write down:
• what actually happened – specifically in relation to your negative ‘pre’ list
• how that was the similar to, partly or totally different from the ‘PRE’ list?
• how do you feel now (your emotions)?
• using the Adult ego state, what do you conclude (T) about this event now?
#1. Afraid to say NO to someone’s request
#2. “They’ll be mad at me / won’t like me…. if I decline”
#3. I fearfully call or text: “I’m sorry but I won’t be able to —-”
#4. Possible positive results:
• The person says OK & is not upset with me
• I’m relieved & surprised, can’t believe it was so easy
• It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be (not bad at all)
Whenever we think of having to make a choice between options, it’s usually in B&W terms – either Good or Bad. Naturally we want to opt for the good / best option. But what if you only have 2 painful ones, & you’re torn? Which one do you choose?
EXP : You’re in a ‘love’ relationship (or a job) that means a lot to you but continues to make you unhappy. You know it’s somehow not good for you (even toxic) but it’s so-o-o hard to leave because you’re scared.
Staying hurts, & leaving will hurt.
SO – which ‘negative’ option do you pick? DEFINITELY – it has to be the one that will contribute to your personal growth & self-care.
If you DO want to leave, you’ll have to be fed up enough (“sick & tired of being sick & tired”), but also be able to handle the PMES results, along with the right kind of support!
HELPFUL HINT :
Long-term = the pain never ends, so staying will hurt as long as you’re in that situation
Short-term = the healthy option will hurt for a while (a lot), but will end & eventually be replaced by self-esteem & empowerment.
Use the same 5 points in Part A, but for this version:
1. Write down the event or situation you’re excited about, & exactly how you picture it turning out – fulfilling all your hopes & dreams 😍
2. List all the beliefs, assumptions, projections & expectations you have for the person or event.
If you’ve had previous experience with this particular person / situation, list what happened before (be honest with yourself)
• Continue with #3 & #4 as above.
Re. ANY action GOAL – If you tend towards grandiosity, idealization, & over-expecting, you’re likely to exaggerate how something will turn out – for you.
❖ Recovery Tool – FIRST identify :
a. what you automatically think will happen
b. cut that expectation in half
c. then cut that in half
d. take the action with this modified goal
a. I’m going to a party, secretly convinced I’ll meet Mr/Ms. Right & live happily ever after
b. Half : I’ll meet someone, we’ll click & we’ll go home together
c. Half again is: I’ll enjoy the music, talk to & dance with different people, & be happy I went out for the evening. I may or may not meet anyone I like!
d. I explain this to my WIC, & then go, with much less anxiety!
• When this tool is new, it’s best to do it in written form, anytime you’re particularly stressed about an action
• Eventually you can also bookend on the run – in your head – any time you need it
REVIEW posts on ‘CDs & the Brain’ to see why it’s so important to re-program the brain by adding new pathways.
Little by little the WIC will be drawn into the present, where life can be much better than when it started out – once our thinking is accurate!
HEALTHY USE : EVERY time…
❣️….you take a new action (A) that represents your personal growth & /or you’ve converted a self-harming belief into a positive thought (T)
🌈 …..something good (that you like) comes your way from the outside & you allow it in!….
….THEN : Anchor it with #4 to reinforce the ‘good stuff’, so it becomes your new norm. Say to the WIC: “See, wasn’t that great?!
Now you can use those accumulated positive experiences when you’ve temporarily slipped back into negativity – TO reminding your Inner Child you’re OK.