visibility

Fear of Commitment – RECOVERY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

don't sufferONCE I FIGURE OUT MY PASSION
I’ll commit to it whole-heatedly

PREVIOUS: Fear of Comm. – ACoAs #6

SITE: FoC Workbook: How To Overcome Fear Of Commitment

2. RE-ENACTING  FoC (a-j)
3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment 

4. CHANGING the RE-ENACTMENT (See Point #2, Parts 2a-d)
If passion & love fuel a desire to commit to something, why do ACoAs avoid it like the plague? Following Toxic family Rules, the WIC’s terror, & long-term depression numb us to passion.

Of course, many ACoAs are passionately committed to one thing – not getting abandoned! That’s the WIC’s main goal in life, whether by clinging or by isolating. ACoAs are more focused on feeling safe than on getting love. We can’t feel truly saloving parentfe until we consistently care about ourself, but giving up S-H is an uphill battle.

• All our anxiety is a direct outcome of an unsafe childhood. So all of the ‘corrections’ will inevitably have to do with developing a Loving Parent to help the WIC heal, so it can gradually start living in the present (using book-ending & other tools….), instead of stuck in an unhappy past.

OUTGROW FEAR of:
a. Abandonment – BY gradually, patiently allowing yourself to connect with the backlog of original pain, eliminating S-H by ‘getting it’ in every cell of your physical & spiritual body that the pain you grew up in was not caused by you!

b. Compromises – BY understanding & accepting that bending a little when it’s not SO important, allows you to not break (rigid vs flexible tree)
c. Leaving Family – BY forming alliances with a variety of people & groups that are working towards : mental health, spiritual growth, social
progress, sharing a passion & having fun

d. Losing Control – BY keeping track of your own emotions & motives, so your Adult is in charge of your actions, not the PigP or WIC. Then others cannot control you!

e. Mistakes – BY understanding that all humans make mistakes sometimes, & that mistakes are how we learn

f. Responsibility – BY knowing what’s your responsibility to self & a few others, & what it’s NOT. Each adult is responsible for themself, if possible & to your best ability. You are not your Higher Power

g. S & I – BY developing your UNIT (Loving Parent + Healthy Adult), which the IC can totally depend on, instead of our wounded family

h.Trapped – BY using your boundaries & choices to decide who, what or where to stay with, or when it’s time to leave

i. Truth – BY being surrounded by others doing the same FoO work, so you can gradually drop your denial, & mourn your losses

j. Vulnerable – BY finding out your needs & using them to form strong boundaries – but not walls

SUGGESTION –  using a tool of NLP
a. Choose a phrase about commitment with the strongest FEAR attached to it for you. Use our own words.
EXP: Relationships mean too much responsibility.

• See the sentence out in front of you, in the air or on a blackboard – so it’s outside of your brain
• Then, say each word with one breath between them. Then again with 2 breaths, then 3, then 4 then 5. Stop.

b. Reverse: choose an opposite phase you want to grow into – using your own words. EXP: “Relationships bring me peace, joy & love”.
Then say it with the same breath sequence as above, 1-5 between each word.
Rinse, lather & REPEAT each day, for a month. Notice & record any changes & improvements in your thinking &/or emotions

⚪️  Then pick another phrase & do the same. EXP:
✦ “Being Committed to another means being trapped” —-> “Being Committed to myself means I’m free to choose others”
✦ “Trusting any human Higher Power means disappointment or obliteration” (see Part 2) —-> “Trusting THE H.P. means permanent safety & support”

c. Picture the near Future You with the new belief – as you’ll be in a year from now. Give it a name like “Safer Me” / “More Trusting ME” / “More Relaxed ME”……
• Visualize every aspect of that Future You – where you’re living, the friends, great job/career, income…. & challenges you’ve successfully overcome

• See Future You as your mentor & ask what are the best choices to make now to get there
• ARRIVING: When you find yourself living in the new belief, remember to send love & encouragement to the past you. This will bridge time & space, further reinforcing the effectiveness of this exercise.

NEXT: FoC – Recovery, Part 2

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 6b)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

too much loveALL THAT ATTENTION makes my head hurt!

PREVIOUS: FoC #6a

SITE: “How to Cure Commitment Phobia” – NLP ‘secrets’


3. SELF-SABOTAGING re-enactment (cont)
Some POSITIVE things that interfere with our willingness to Commit :
a. Fear of self-care / b. F of being treated well & loved / c. F of our Power

d. F of Visibility. To the WIC, C. to anything means everyone can see us, in all our imperfections & ‘badness’.
If we combine Fears OF : Abandonment + Compromise + Losing Control + Making mistakes + Responsibility, we end up with a deep terror of being fully visible.
It would mean exposing ourself to the whole world as undeserving frauds, as “Who do you think you are?” echoes in our head. The assumption is that everyone else is also like our family, who will punish us for daring to have an identity different from theirs.

e. F of Receiving – To the WIC, C. to others means making oneself vulnerable.
• Receiving exposes us to good things we never had before, which opens the floodgates of need & longing, which will drown us!
We’re hungry for recognition & nourishment, but are forbidden. Our injunction against Receiving is bone deep, especially for the Hero & Lost Child.
TOXIC Rules include:
“Do everything yourself / I’m not important or valuable / I have no rights / No one actually sees me….”.
To ACoAs, Receiving IS: > breaking family rules, > being weak & needy, > selfish & greedy, especially when others are suffering, > getting something I don’t deserve, > arrogant, presumptuous….

2 broad categories given to
🔸 Receiving something because we actually asked. Being direct about what we need is not only forbidden by the PigP, but the WIC also believes that: 👎🏽 If we have to ask, then getting it doesn’t count!

But asking is appropriate. Even infants who can’t talk let feelings be known, while being totally dependent on adults to know & respond to their needs.
Instead, most of us had narcissistic, unavailable & weak parents who were not attuned.  So we’re still stuck back there, in the emotional infant-toddler stage, waiting, waiting…..
This passivity is not appropriate for adults. It is our responsibility to know what we need & then ask for whatever we can’t supply for ourself.

surprise gift🔸 Receiving something without asking, from someone generously offering time, attention, gifts….. because they want to! Naturally, with our background of abuse & deprivation, the WIC doesn’t believe anyone would give us something ‘just because’. Since we feel unworthy, everyone must have an ulterior motive, & it’s up to us to figure out what they want.

f. F of Success – To the WIC, C. to achieving our deepest goals means the sure loss of a connection to our family. (See Point c. in #3a). This refers to fulfilling our heart’s desire – what we were born to do. But even if we’ve managed to follow the Right Path, we’re more likely to keep from being as successful as we’re capable of – so we “Don’t get too big for your britches”! Full success would mean disobeying a basic Toxic Rule that “You always have to struggle, but never get there” !

g. F of Peacefulness. To the WIC, C. to anything good means being bored to tears. ACoAs are adrenaline junkies, ‘addicted to negative excitement’ (Ennea-type 7), always creating or inviting situations that make life more complicated & stressful.
This can include those of us who are isolated & withdrawn, whose form of excitement is mainly internal – the mental ‘spinning’ of obsessive self-hate & worry. Both types create unnecessary drama, re-enacting how our parents functioned + the chaos they created. Screen Shot 2015-08-22 at 8.55.38 PM

• To be calm, quiet, peaceful makes no sense to ACoAs & make us anxious! 🧐  Without constant ‘agida‘ we feel empty, which we call boredom, but is actually the result of being emotionally numb.

Getting used to inner Serenity takes time, with persistent love & patience. Whether the unconscious compulsion to be a ’drama queen /king’ is blatant or camouflaged, it’s up to us to replace it with a saner way of life.

h. F of Higher Power (God, Spirit, the “Universe”….). To the WIC C. to any form of ‘power grater than ourselves’ is guaranteed obliteration (death of Self). ACoAs are ‘afraid of authority figures” (Laundry List). John Bradshaw pointed out that children transfer their experiences with parents (the original ‘gods’) to their concept of the true Higher Power. If they were dangerous – then obviously so must God be. Not!

NEXT: Recovering from FoC #1