I ALWAYS MAKE SURE
there’s a way to protect myself

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Fear of Responsibility (#1)

POSTs: Toxic Family Rules

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

🧍🏽‍♀️🧍🏽 AS ADULTS
With all the frustration & lack of ‘success’ as children to fix our family, we unconsciously assume that if we failed at that, we’ll inevitably fail at everything else – so why bother.
Since they didn’t take responsibility for their emotions & actions, we didn’t learn how to either, & we don’t know there is a clear line between what’s our job in life & what isn’t.

SELF-CARE (Part 2b) : Any activity we do deliberately to provide our mental, emotional & physical health needs. Good self–care is key to reduced anxiety & improved mood

1. UNDER-RESPONSIBLE
a. Re. OTHERS:
Because we were treated badly by our family, we often treat others the same way (“How ACoAs Abandon Others” posts) BY:
✦ not considering others’ rights, boundaries & emotions, being so focused on our own pain & trying to protect ourself
✦ our narcissism, idealizing, constant criticism, being controlling…..
which is how we treat our external children as well as other adults

ACoAs as ‘LEAVERS’
According to the WIC, we still have no one we can depend on for our needs, AND are responsible for everyone & everything around us.
We say we don’t want to have such a great burden, YET we reject being with people or groups who are capable of being supportive, allowing us to relax & focusing on ourself

This leaves us completely overwhelmed & exhausted. So on the assumption that we still have to carry the weight of any association (personal or professional), we’re too scared to fully commit.

• To take healthy, ‘adult’ responsibility for our choices & relationships, we would need to be familiar with & embrace our True Self, via S & I, which is the goal of all therapy & Recovery.
However, ACoAs greatest addiction is to our family of origin, making it very hard to let go of our symbiotic attachment to them.

🔻This results in a great resistance to taking center stage in our own life, while playing the satellite (or slave) to someone or something else.
🔺 The irony is that at the same time – we think everything others do or say is about us, taking everything personally – which is not the ADULT ego state form of being responsible for oneself, but rather the narcissistic attitude of the WIC

• While we consciously insist we never want to be anything like ‘them’, unconsciously we copy them in many different ways, having absorbed the PigP, ie. negative introject.
Because the WIC is by definition narcissistic, it can’t distinguish itself from our narcissistic parents. SO:
√ If they didn’t take responsibility for themselves, we won’t either
√ If they never connected with their True Self, we won’t either
√ If they treated us badly, we’ll do the same to ourself & others

• Even when ACoAs truly want to be connected to Self or others in a meaningful way, our terror of being eternally trapped in the position of caretaker leads to having a back-door mentality – always looking for an out : finding fault, being resentful, feeling inferior or superior, getting bored….

And above all – picking people who are emotionally unavailable AND not suited to our personality, but familiar because of our family structure. Keeping ourself at emotional arm’s-length in all our interactions is the only way we think we can protect our fragile self-image, since we don’t have access to our needs & therefore no real boundaries

The WIC says: “I can’t afford to commit  to anything serious – especially if it’s really important to me – because then I’ll be stuck having to handle everything (perfectly) myself. I don’t know how, & I resent being in that position – so I won’t.”

Besides, since I always fail at getting my needs :
√ it’ll be too painful to try & fail again (lose out on what I really want)
v I’ll have to re-live all the ways I failed my family when I was a kid, adding to my S-H.

NEXT: Fear of Responsibility (Part 2b)