teasing

Anger – CATEGORIES : Addictive, Aggressive (#3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

lite red a.b.

YES, I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS
but I only use the ones I know well

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories #2

SITE Top 5 Angry Cartoon Characters, w/ corrections

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS

▪️ADDICTIVE anger
Addictions fall into : “substance” (chemicals) and “process” (co-dependence, food, gambling, hoarding, spending, work, anger….).
Science has proven that ‘rageaholism’ is real. Like any addiction, the emotion discharges catecholamine neurotransmitters : dopamine, epinephrine, norepinephrine & an adrenaline surge, with increased heart rate & blood pressure – which makes us feel alive, even euphoric. (Post:  Anger & the brain– #2).

Edie Weinstein, LSW wrote, “Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain from the craving, as seen in  impaired behavioral control, dysfunctional emotional responses, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and with interpersonal relationships….. ”

Because such people have not learned other ways to feel good, they become dependent on their anger. They’ll often create a crisis or look for jobs & relationships which provide the rush of excitement they ‘need’. They may look for ways to be offended & opportunities to pick fights – pouring more fuel on the fire – creating conflicts wherever they go. (MORE….)

• As with substance addicts, people who needs a daily anger “fix” can get antsy & irritable or lethargic & bored – when it’s not available. They feel mental tension & physical discomfort, so that when the craving is finally satisfied, they experience some relief. It becomes a vicious cycle – the more the brain wiring is reinforced, the more the anger-produced chemicals are strengthened

Anger-high is used to elevate depressed mood & release pent-up emotions. It gives the ‘adrenaline junkie’ a sense of being in control, & covers other emotions like fear, frustration, hurt, sadness… Anger is forceful, so it’s used to re-gain a sense of power & status, but without the internal assurance of actually being safe & worthwhile

Such people need intensity, so their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern, & catecholamine neuro-transmitters are released, causing a blast of kinetic energy, but the relief is short-lived, often followed by a nasty emotional hangover, creating more problems than it solves

▪️AGGRESSIVE anger (direct)
This is intense anger expressed in visible behavior, designed to hurt the person we experience as having harmed us, or who triggers our old pain.
The attacks are the result of focusing so strongly on our own personal needs & wounds. In this state we’re oblivious to consequences (a narcissistic lack of empathy), so we’ll act out, causing trouble

Anti-social / having a bad attitude : finger-pointing, ignoring people’s feelings, open defiance, prejudice, stealing, stirring up trouble, unfair punishments, wearing clothes or symbols associated with violent behavior, willful discrimination….

Physical: flashes of temper, physical or sexual violence of any kind (fist shaking, kicking, hitting, shoving, slapping, threaten with a weapon….), tailgating, excessively blowing car horn, slamming doors….

Verbal: used as armor & as a weapon, including vulgar or biased jokes, bickering, blaming, breaking a confidence, endless negativity & fault-finding, frightening by using threats of social or physical harm, foul language, insults, judging, labeling, malicious gossip, nagging, name-calling, refusal to talk, unjust accusations of immorality or of having detestable traits or motives….

ALSO: Sarcasm & Teasing – a way to express anger indirectly, with clever but cruel remarks disguised as humor.
EXP: “It’s OK that you’re late. I had time to read the menu―40 times!”

Teasers are often in denial about their underlying rage, thinking they’re just being funny, so they figure that if the recipient of a barbed witticism gets angry – that’s on
them. They feel justified in accusing the other person of over-reacting: “I’m just kidding…. you’re way too sensitive!”

But these kinds of comments are mean, so recipients will feel the hurt & withdraw or retaliate.  Although some people insist that mockery is a form of intellectual humor, the very word sarcasm is related to the Greek word ‘sarkazein’, meaning “to tear flesh like dogs.” Ouch! (MORE... 4 pages)

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 4)

Double BINDS – STAYING AWAKE (Part 6a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,


IF I’M GOING TO GET MYSELF FREE
I’m going to have to pay close attention

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 5b)

BOOK: “Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard” ~ Chip & Dan Heath (review…..)

GETTING STARTED
D. Binds, created by D. Messages, are like being called over to someone who is crooking their index finger, meaning “Come to me, my darling,” – but when you get there they slap your face.
Or being told, “Darling, tell me how you feel,” but then when you do, they sarcastically sneer that you’re being dramatic, hateful, over-sensitive, crazy, ridiculous, immature…. (More…..)

📣 IMPERATIVE : We can not afford to mentally blank out when dealing with controlling, narcissistic, double-binding people – which is what the WIC does when terrified & trying to disappear.
It will make a big difference to your well-being if you stay awake for how you feel around people who do the come-here-go-away dance or give other kinds of DMs.

🔺Identifying the specific D. Messages you’ve been getting is crucial so you know what you’re dealing with, & then figure a way out.
If one specific person you’re around is a S, you’re probably angry a lot of the time, but may not recognize it as that specific emotion. And underneath the anger – you’re really scared of displeasing or losing them – whether you can feel that deeper layer or not.

❗️VERBALIZE what’s going on. You’re only in a full Double Bind while the contradictory statements you’ve been subjected to remain unconscious. Once they’re articulated, they lose some of their force. Questioning AND objecting to the contradictions, & getting external support, can often help with our own internal distorted beliefs

EXP of self-hating D.Message (More….. )  Also DM Part 7b)
a. Having many PTSD symptoms means I’m broken, worthless -AND-
b. Admitting to only a few symptoms means the abuse wasn’t that bad
c. I’m not supposed to notice what really happened, or help myself out of it

❓CHART: Use it for your own DBs, to figure out what were imposed on you by another person or institution. 📕 Expand & add columns as needed
Re. RESULTS: Internally – what’s already happened
Externally: what you fear will happen
Re. OPTIONS: The one best suited to your personality & current circumstances
Final RESULTS – of your choice, in T.E.A. terms

Fill in columns for each part of the Double/Triple BIND you’re in, in as much detail as you can. DO a little, then add as you figure more out. Include:
🔸 (A,B,C) Conflicting commands & Consequences, from yourself or others
🔸 Blatant & subtle Punishments
🔸 Any attempts to unhook yourself, successful or not
🔸 What happened – in yourself or from others / overall outcome
🔸 If still stuck, why you’re still in it (internal reasons)….
“Step Away from DBs“ and post “Negative Benefits

• Since DBs are often stacked together, it’s necessary to unravel them statement by statement – like parsing a sentence. See how many parts you can identify in the following abusive, distorted manipulative communications:
EXP – Toxic Parent to actual Child
“Now you want my help! Hah! I never got into this kind of trouble when I was a kid. Surprise me by doing something right for a change, I’d like that!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Listen to me, you’ve got to take control over your life. Stop questioning what I tell you. I’ve been around a lot longer than you have, you know.”

EXP – Authority to ‘Problem’ Person / Patient
“You have to accept that you are X (mentally ill, addict, out-of-control, raging, self-destructive…) before we can help you. We’re only doing this for your own good, out of love and compassion for you, even though you are X (the label).”

“When you say that — “we have the problem, that we’re doing this to suit ourselves because we don’t like the way you are — it only proves that you are indeed X (the label)”

NEXT: DBs, Staring Awake, Part 6b

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Anger)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

daggers 

THAT SO-&-SO!
one way or another, I’m gonna get ‘im

PREVIOUS: ACTIONS – Fearful

 

3. ACTIONS (cont)
a. Fearful reactions

b. ANGRY reactions to painful events
💥 Attack / Revenge (sue, fight, yell…)
This is the most obvious & direct. The need  to be violent – verbally, physically or legally – is used by some ACoAs as a way of venting old pain on the world – anyone except facing the original perpetrators, if possible.
OR we may have tried every other avenue to resolve a problem, but to no avail. Then the only recourse left is to go after our tormentor directly, never considering “letting go”.

⚒ The dysfunctional ‘acting out’ of our rage is WIC’s response to decades of abuse & abandonment.  We’re not crazy, only traumatized
⚒ Continuing to be angry in the present is still wanting the impossible – to be loved & accepted by people who can not & will never be able to provide them!

✶ Remember: When we still over-react to a particular event – it does not mean all our recovery is invalidated. Nip any S-H in the bud! “Progress, NOT Perfection”

💥 Gossip Maliciously – almost any group of people in regular, long-term contact is prone to gossiping. Mostly it’s a common but unhealthy way to pass the time & connect with peers.
However, when ACoAs are in a rage at someone (X), we want to do harm, to make them look bad, in the same way we feel harmed. Then we :
• act like a victim, martyr, the ‘white hat’
• tell secrets we know about (X)
• make up false info to damage (X)‘s rep
• seduce others away from (X) – by shifting people’s allegiance to ourself

💥Make Fun Of – making jokes at someone’s expense ….  While gossip & teasing is indirect, this is a more obvious way to show anger at (Y). Sometimes we believe our meanness has been earned by (Y), at other times it’s just displacing our rage at someone else like a boss, parent or mate

EXPs: Jimmy is a popular techie at a big company, who likes to ‘stir the pot’, & gets away with a lot of bad behavior using charm & gossip.  He’s taken a special dislike to an older woman, who undeservedly reminds him of his alcoholic, controlling mother. He has a key chain ornament of a cow that mo-o-os when squeezed.  For months, every time he passes the woman, he squeezes the cow & smiles impishly.  To please him, all of his coworkers are also amused.  When reprimanded, he finally stops.

💥Sulk – ‘staring daggers’ , ‘if looks could kill’ ….↖️
While this too is about not talking (being mute), it is by no means passive.  Others can feel the rage emanating from us & generally stay Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.58.25 AMaway!
In this case, not saying anything may be that:
• it’s not appropriate right then (in public, at work…)
• we’re so unprepared for a nasty comment or shocked by a scary event, that we can’t find the words at that moment
• we’re afraid of our own intensity – that we’ll do some long-term damage, either physical or emotional, if we let fly
OR • we’re afraid of being punished if we speak up, & we could be

EXP: Zina worked for an active alcoholic who constantly pushed her buttons.  She didn’t know how to stand up for herself, felt she owed him for helping her out at the beginning, & didn’t want to lose her job. So she just fumed!
One day she overheard her boss telling someone: “That Zina has the loudest silences”! She was shocked because she hadn’t realized her (unexpressed) anger was radiating such intensity. It also made her see she needed to change jobs, which she eventually was able to do

💥Tease – always an indirect form of anger & is always abusive. It’s a way to ‘get back at’ someone by using a personal trait against them – their name, size, religion ethnicity, way of talking….. such as ‘hazing’ a new student or employee. It’s a form of adult scapegoating, & leaves permanent emotional scars if continually repeated.
But since teasing is couched in humor, it’s generally considered ‘good fun’, harmless & socially acceptable, therefore allowed & encouraged by others.
But teasing is toxic!

NEXT: ‘Responding Positively to Events’