security

ACoAs Acting Controlling (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

look at meLOOK AT ME!
See how important I am!

PREVIOUS:
Acting controlling – #1

SITES: Take Control in Recovery
 — Recognizing a Manipulative Relationship

REVIEW: 5 LOVE Languages


LOVE vs. Control
✳️ Genuine love is concerned with the welfare of others, especially those people we’re personally connected to
👺 Controlling is all about us – what we can get, how we can change someone, how we can feel better (at their expense)…..

EXP: A woman is married to a genuinely good man, who lets her to be herself. She knows he loves her but it doesn’t fe-e-el right – for the very reason that he’s not controlling, the way her family was.
The connection between love & control was originally wired into her emotional brain, becoming the image of how relationships are supposed to be. Her WIC says “He doesn’t tell me what to do, so he must not care!” Fortunately her Adult self knows better!

controlPeople Misusing Emotional Power BELIEVE:
About Themself
• Because everyone is out to take advantage of everyone else (me), the best defense is a good offense
• I’ll always have to pay an emotional price if I open myself up to others, so I keep them at an arm’s length
• If I  open up to their point of view I’ll get mislead
• I have to make them see it my way or they’ll have an edge on me
• My feelings are what matter. I need to convert everyone to my way
aroganceAbout Others
• Dump on them before they dump on you
• It doesn’t matter how they feel or react as long as you keep emotional control over them
• If you keep them busy enough they’ll ignore you
• Take control of them before they take control of you
• There’s only one way for people in your life to think & feel – your way

WAYS to Control others:
GREED – insist others provide things you need in the world —
— even tho’ you can, but want to finally be taken care of!
— are afraid to try, can’t ask for help directly, don’t have permission
— OR, not sure how to provide for yourself but don’t want to learn

MANIPULATE – try to coerce others into being Good Parent substitutes, instead of developing your own ‘UNIT’
BY:
• Over-giving (Love-Buying) : feel unworthy to receive unless you pay for love / respect, or to hide your rage at all abandoners
• Perpetrator – take advantage of someone who’s needy or ‘easy’, to feel one-up, to make up for being helpless as a kid
• Rigid – insist on Perfection, so have a hard time with negotiation & compromise
control freakBY:
• Self-Pity – constant whining about how your life is so hard, you can’t do anything right, everyone is unfair & mean. It’s to force others to join in your misery (bring them down to not feel alone) & be moved to rescue you
• Sickly – sick, needy, play dumb… so people feel sorry for you
• Stubborn – won’t see anyone else’s point of view – fear of losing yourself, instead of having real boundaries
BY:
• Superiority – over-inflated sense of your own importance, being detached & above everyone, being a know-it-all — making others feel stupid, vulnerable, insecure & worthless
• Values – C. is sometimes rationalized / justified by claiming it’s simply wanting to do things the ‘right way’, having high standards, being helpful….
• Victim – constantly asking for approval & validation, keep saying you’re sorry, asking for permission to do anything….

EMPATHY vs Control
Controlling is when our needs, requirements, feelings…. infringe on the rights of others. When we selfishly  or ignorantly step on someone’s boundaries, they are under no obligation to accommodate or empathize with us, since we’re being inappropriate & disrespectful.
⚠︎ This applies equally to anyone trying to control us!  Cs. are not in touch with their own Es, so can’t ‘understand’ the pain they cause others.

Empathy is the ability to identify with another person’s emotions, to put ourself in their place, without having to save or fix them. This emotion comes from the compassionate Healthy Parent ego state.  & is not needed to “feel” connected or visible.
This should not be confused with symbiotic fusing, which is from the WIC or PP.

NEXT: ACTING Controlling, Part 3

ACoAs : OVER-Controlling Ourselves (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

bad voiceTHE BAD PARENT VOICE –
doesn’t want me to outgrow it

PREVIOUS: Self-Care around Controllers #3

SEE:  Toxic Family Roles

❖ S-C = self-control


AS CHILDREN
Normal / Healthy: since children are not born with boundaries it’s a parent’s job to help them learn self-control (S-C), which is about setting limits for oneself & with others, but forming them is a long process. S-C is closely linked to:
• how children feels about themselves, If they delay self-esteem, that can only come from proper guidance, stability & unconditional love
• being taught how to deal with everyday frustrations & practicing those skills by helping them make their own age-appropriate choices & decisions

 2 MENTAL Abilities for healthy S-C : Be ABLE TO
a. estimate time correctly, in order to make reasonable decisions, based on immediate as well as future outcomes.
❖ Young children cannot do this because they live completely ‘in the present’, so it’s not rational to expect them to have the same S-C as older kids & adults (post: ACoAs & TIME)

b. direct one’s attention away from a current event. This is needed in order to have the time to evaluate situations, make better choices & weigh possible consequences.
Since young children’s attention can be easily distracted, they aren’t able to stop-to-consider alternatives or potential outcomes, so it’s inappropriate to demand it of them

• Children do best when guidance & boundary setting are given with consistent, age-appropriate expectations & realistic consequences, AND without constant punishment or power-conflicts with parents.
Children do need the security of knowing the rules & limits of behavior – otherwise they feel uncared for & at a loss. The healthy goal for parents is to guide & nurture them so they feel supported & valued, rather than judged or rejected

Alcoholic PARENTING extremes
In most cases, ACoAs had to be totally obedient to survive & later to fit in – first with parents, then in school, a religious community & then work. (Posts: 4 Parenting styles & Results)

OVER: Many of us were given too many rules, assumed to be ‘little adults’, demanded that we be competent & self-sufficient way beyond our years.
We were bullied & manipulated into being compliant on pain of suffering & death. There was no fairness, or any leeway for our individuality. We submitted – or else.

This created great anxiety, knowing we couldn’t fulfill their spoken & implied expectations, while desperately trying to please.
✏︎ For some of us the rules kept changing, arbitrarily.
✏︎ For others they were rigid & unrealistic.
✏︎ For all of us, no matter what we did, it was never good enough!
Eventually we either rebelled or caved.

UNDER: Others of us received little or no guidance – left too much on our own, so that we basically raised ourselves, which also created great anxiety. It left us:
• without knowing how to pay attention to other people
• with no respect for, willingness or need to obey legitimate authority
• with no sense of boundaries, limits, discipline or self-trust
✦ not knowing what is expected of us or how to function in the world.

This may seem heavenly – to a teen, but a child without rules or expectations not only is being severely neglected – but will likely suffer from lack of motivation & direction for years to come!neglect

EITHER WAY – we were deprived of the opportunity to learn healthy self-control – which requires a SELF to implement!
Since having a True Self was not allowed much mess encouraged, the only thing we could do was to over-control ourself. We had to hide our true emotions, needs, as well as our intelligence, competence & talents – except as those gifts were needed to take care of sick, abusive, drunk, depressed & crazy parents &/or siblings – but never for ourself!

▶︎ Since over-controlled adults are generally responsible & reserved, they don’t get much attention, suffering loneliness & chronic depression in silence, which may include anorexia, or being obsessive-compulsive.
An evidence-based therapy Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT), was developed to help “over-controllers” activate the brain’s neurological systems which help regulate smoother ways of interacting with others. SKILLS include:
social spontaneity, taking it easy, making true friendships, correcting rigid thinking & minimizing perfectionism. (MORE….)

NEXT: O-C Ourselves – Part 2