I HAVE to TAKE CARE of EVERYTHING,
& of course I can!

PREVIOUS: Toxic Roles #4

Originally:
“IF ONLY MY FAMILY UNDERSTOOD ME”, by Don Wegscheider, 1979

❧ HERO’s GOAL
To provide the damaged family with some self-respect & a semblance of stability, shifting the focus from parental failures to the child’s successes

PURPOSE
For Self: to make order out of the chaos, feel useful, make the home bearable, keep anyone from killing themselves or going crazy. Believe if they’re helpful enough, the ‘sick’ parent will be cured

For Family:  make the family look good & seem ‘normal’ to the outside world, by acting as if the rigid roles don’t exist, & prevent anyone seeing the severe dysfunctionality. Genuine desire to provide a measure of group esteem through their accomplishments

BIRTH ORDER: Usually the oldest child, or the oldest male or oldest female
IN SCHOOL : Gets superior grades, teacher’s pet, sports star, Valedictorian or Prom Queen. Classmates admire, envy or use them as help. Are involved in several extra-curricular activities

FAMILY TREATMENT
Highly regarded, expected to ‘do the right thing”, but may not be praised directly. Held up as a shining example to prove what good parents & good people they are, the one who other relatives dote on

ACTIONS / STYLE
Personal:  Main focus is perfectionism —-> leading to periodic times of dissociation
Inflexible, extreme need for control of everything, great fear of making mistakes, intellectualizes & disregards own emotions.

In the Family: Ignore the real issues.
Often forced to take on parental position & responsibilities at a young age, AND be self-sufficient, feel ‘old’ & burdened (“10 going on 40”). Keep household running. Compensate for sick, drunk, depressed, crazy or missing parent’s inability to cope

Social: Can be highly successful, self-sufficient & seem well-adjusted. Seen by non-family adults as trustworthy, conscientious, mature & capable. Has good relationships with authority figures, volunteers often, over-involved in activities. Into everyone else’s business, a know-it-all, may have lots of friends, pets & ‘needy projects’

DEFENSES – Main one: Denial
Overly serious, mature & responsible, high achiever.  Very dependent on outside approval & work hard to get it. Also, they feel special/ superior, don’t need anyone, compulsive @ cleaning, gathering info, appearance, career….

EMOTIONS
Confusion, loneliness, guilt, hurt, anger. Extreme shame, shown by compulsivity ‘helpfulness’
• Deny a wide range of emotions, intense sense of inadequacy – fear of being found out as a ‘fraud’, & an over-all sense of failure – mainly for not fixing family’s problems
DEFICITS
Trouble with: being a follower, taking suggestions or advice, asking for help, relaxing, having fun, being spontaneous.  Not allowed to be weak, needy, scared, vulnerable, helpless

AS ADULTS – THEY:
• are extremely judgmental of others (but may have learned to be subtle about it), and super-critical of themself
 • are driven to develop ‘better’ lifestyle than family, make lots of money, master a profession, totally invested in getting & keeping success at all cost, have lots of positive attention but don’t believe or value it
• marry an alcoholic or other ‘problem’ type they can continue to focus on & fix, in lieu of parent
THEY: 
• are cut off from inner emotional life & True Self
• secretly know something’s ‘rotten in Denmark’, but have the hardest time admitting anything needs healing
• will only get help to give up Hero role when emotionally overwhelmed & physically ill from years of stress, have severe substance abuse themselves or a tragedy breaks thru the denial

PARENTS CAN HELP HERO CHILD
TO: Be ok with making mistakes, & develop courage to be imperfect, decrease need to be responsible for everyone, learn to concentrate on self instead of accomplishments (Being vs Doing)
BY: Stressing the value & enjoyment of cooperation & sharing, learning to appreciate Self. Help them accept mistakes gracefully, since it’s never about their identity

CHANGE BELIEFS 
FROM: “I must stay in control of my feelings”.
“ If I don’t do it, no one will.”
“If I don’t do this, something bad will happen, or things will get worse.”
TO: “I am of value just for ‘being’, not only for ‘doing’
“If I don’t do it, someone else will & that’s OK”
“If I don’t do it a certain way,  it’ll be done differently & that’s OK”

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
• learn to ask for & take what’s needed, accept occasional ‘failures’,  relax & just BE
• let go of perfectionism, need to control & rescuing
• develop ability to listen, follow, be flexible & have fun

STRENGTHS
• attentive, caring, good listener to others’ troubles, nurturing, thoughtful
• appropriately responsible, decisive, focused, goal oriented, organized, self-disciplined
• have leadership qualities, can be successful, initiator, loyal, good at motivating themself & others, study & work hard to achieve.

NEXT: Placater Role