golden child

ACoAs being Scapegoated – GOWTH (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 

 

 CAN PROTECT MYSELF
in healthy adult ways

PREVIOUS: Scapegoated (#7b)

SITEs: Empath as Scapegoat in Group Dynamics
• Being a Corporate Scapegoat (cover-ups)

BOOK: Puttin’ Cologne on the Rickshaw, ~William Bouffard, re. Scapegoat Mechanism at work

TO WORK ON (cont.)
BUSINESS – & Relationships in general
Re. Others
A key to not being scapegoated at work is to “stick with the winners”! which means changing our behavior. Healthier people have fewer or milder buttons, & so are more patient with us when we (accidentally) step on their toes.
Pay attention to each person you’re around. What’s their usual m.o. – pleasant or unpleasant, sane or crazy, realistic or in denial, sober or addicted, connected or narcissistic …..?

Positive people to stick with: Those who are generally cheerful, discreet, encouraging, friendly, forgiving, loyal, & with good boundaries

Negative people to avoid – waving big red flags that scream “issues” we don’tred flags want to be a victim of nor take on:
– Overly controlling, always judgmental, critical, know-it-all, bossy
– Talking ‘at’ you, generally intimidating
– Making fun of you or others, gossips, clicky….
– Always complaining about others or the job, without doing anything to improve themselves or the situation
– Only talking about themselves, endlessly

Such types make us anxious or angry. The longer we’re around them the more it harms us. We’re so used to it from childhood we put up with it. But now we don’t have to!

Re. Our Behavior – at work & anywhere
• Don’t complain about stuff so much: politics, social deterioration, your crazy family, the weather… whatever! Emotionally upsetting things belong in therapy, church, Program…..
AND do not use friendships or romantic partners for therapy. Work on your issues with a trained therapist who knows ACoA issues, & in Al-Anon, ACA, CODA

• DO NOT make fun of or belittle yourself – ever! It’s OK to laugh at our imperfection – not taking ourselves so seriously – as long as it’s NOT from S-H! Denigrating ourselves or letting others do it signals low self-esteem, giving unhealthy people ‘permission’ to disrespect us

Screen Shot 2015-11-27 at 3.49.55 PM• Stop being a “truth-teller” (tattling) unless you need help from an authority figure to stop being abused
• Don’t use feeling terms at work (that’s upsetting, I’m frustrated, angry….). INSTEAD – talk about what you would like to see or do, & make practical suggestions

• Don’t over-disclose to co-workers, bosses & casual friends (serious problems, intense emotions, financial & legal details….). Some people will use them to judge, mistreat, avoid…you. If asked personal Qs, be general or vague, using a rational tone (Adult ego state), & end on a positive note

• Don’t attach to a new acquaintance too quickly or easily. Listen for cues about who they are, so you know if they’re safe or not. That takes time
• Don’t assume everyone’s trustworthy. It’s naive to think everyone usually takes the high road. It’s our narcissism to think others will or should act & feel the way we do

• Don’t trust most people with your secrets, which can lead to betrayal. Be friendly, have fun, but don’t expect others to honor confidences. Secrets are always juicy & some people can’t resist sharing them, while others will use them against you, from jealousy or meanness

• Don’t stay a Scapegoat – work on shedding the “Victim Mentality.” Find & hang on to what’s positive in your life, so you can enjoy them.

RESPONDING to a Scapegoater
Manager: Jill, I need those sales figures to complete my analysis
Scapegoater Boss: Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?
M: Check out the email I sent you last Friday
Sc: I never got it. Blame our server, not me
M: Our system shows that you received & saved the email

Sc: Oh, those figures. I told Bryan to do them. You mean he hasn’t gotten them to you yet? What’s wrong with that guy?
M: Bryan been working on the account for the past month
Sc: Well … (To herself: “Who can I blame now?”)

NOTE: The Scapegoater will stop blaming – temporarily – if given very specific examples of how their mistakes or miscalculations are the real problem. Being direct & clear makes it harder for them to shift blame.

NEXT: Sayings that Misrepresent #1

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

scapegoat 1I’M NO GOOD FOR NOTHING!
is what they all tell me

PREVIOUS:

 Enneagram Flaws in us all – Type 9.

SITE: Scapegoating– An Insidious Family Pattern of Blame & Shame of One Family Member
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

QUOTE: “The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.” ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

NOTE: Being scapegoated is similar but not quite the same as the Toxic Family Role of Scapegoat. In both cases the child is abused by everyone.
The main differences is that :
• the ROLE is usually the second-born, sometimes the oldest boy as ‘Rebel’, & is something the child takes on in order to protect the family, WHILE
• in Scapegoating, an adult chooses which child is to be abused – made to carry the burden of family’s PMES dysfunctions so the parents don’t have to admit & deal with their own damage

1. ORIGINS: “The Scapegoat motif began centuries ago as a part of the sacrificial dynamic with a sacrificial goatgod or gods.  Once a year in a ceremony, the members of a tribe or village would write down their sins on a ribbon which was tied around a goat’s neck.

The goat was then burned as a sacrifice, or sent away into the wilderness. Either way, the Scapegoat carried off the ‘sins’ of the village with it, leaving them forgiven & cleansed.” (MORE…)

DEF: In a twisted version of this ancient religious practice, present-day Scapegoating is a form of bullying, a hostile social/ psychological torture started in childhood, which —
• wrongly combines cause & effect (child = problems), where someone moves blame & responsibility (T) away from themselves & on to a target person or group
• is an aggressive practice, where angry & hostile feelings (E) are projected onto others, via inappropriate accusations

Another way of saying it is: Scapegoating is the practice of singling out someone for undeserved negative treatment – the deliberate projection* of blame & guilt onto another person or group so the scapegoater can remain seemingly righteous, ‘good’ & guilt free.
The victim may be an adult, sibling, child, employee, peer, ethnic or religious group or country. Also called Whipping boy, Fall guy, Patsy, Designated Patient, Sacrificial Lamb

*Projection: (NOT Projecting) A defense mechanism in which
= person/ group A’s unacceptable thoughts, needs & emotions are unconsciously assumed to belong only to person/ group B,
= who is then accused of & punished for causing all of A’s problems.

A’s unhealthy Ego says: “What I can’t stand about myself I’ll totally hate about you (B). So I have to attack you for it in order to deny that I have the same quality”.
🌀 🌀 🌀
2. Scapegoating FAMILYScreen Shot 2015-11-22 at 10.36.15 PM
 As the world becomes ‘all one place’, people no longer have the luxury of ‘casting out’ what we aren’t willing to acknowledge about ourselves. Besides, even if we wanted to, there are few wilderness places left in the world to do that.

So we turn on each other. The original purpose of this ritual is re-worked in the dysfunctional family ‘tribe‘ by adults heaping their collective sins on one of their members, then driving them away – if not literally – then by alienating them from everyone else’s affection.

👎🏽 The rest of the tribe can then point to the chosen black-sheep & proudly proclaim that they are not like him/her, allowing the family to look very good to outsiders, compared to the ‘bad’ one. Thus the Scapegoat is sacrificed for ‘the good of the family’ – likely to be chosen unconsciously, but for specific reasons. (in Part 3)

◆ The use of force against another person is always a form of scapegoating, & damages self-esteem in children. Often an insecure parent will be more aggressive with one of their offspring, to vent his/her own frustrations. Elizabeth A. Kaspar tells us that aggressiveness can show up as being:
• rude & humiliating, (“What do you mean, you aren’t going to do it?”)
• self-righteous (“I am only insisting on this for your own good.”)
• manipulative (“If you refuse, you’ll let everyone down”)

NEXT: ACoAs being Scapegoated (Part 2)