blamer role

Satir’s BLAMER Role

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

blame child IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU….
everything would be OK!

PREVIOUS: LEVELER Role

POST: Parents blaming us

ROLES – Blamer, Computer, Placater & Distracter


2. BLAMERS (B) – a Twisted form of Power
STYLE :  about 30% of people use this defense. They say NO, regardless of what they really feel or want (it’s the principle of it!)
THEY
• act like they’re superior & make disparaging comparisons
• always think they’re right, & never respect others’ point of view
• are dictatorial, loud, tyrannical & expect everyone to obey them
• bully, shove their thoughts & feelings at others, are more likely to initiate conflict
THEY
• constantly find fault & point out problems or weaknesses in others (sometimes called ‘skunks’ in NLP because they ‘spray’ criticizing language)
• push responsibility for everything onto others, always looking for someone to take the blame when things go wrong, hinting that others ‘are in trouble’
mean blamer• their attitude is oppressive, which can trigger Placating in others out of fear (EXP: they’re harsh when giving a speech —-> to make firm points & elicit guilt)
THEY
• think no one will accept their view of the world unless they yell
• use authoritarian & direct language, with generalizations, to distract & assign blame
• use complex comparisons without proofs to confuse
• want to win at any cost, sometimes will “cut off their nose to spite their face” or win the battle only to lose the war

• no matter how someone replies to their accusations, Blamers will use it to make the other person even more wrong, using a double-bind with a mismatched response (EXP: if you stand up for yourself, you’re arrogant, if you back down you’re a wimp!)

Energetic Description  (by Dr. Mary Jo Bulbrook)
• blamers can operate from malicious OR unintentional intent
• as Sender – their verbal bullets attack with varying intensity at vulnerable spots in another person’s energy system, impacting their energy field, centers, tracts, head line & core
• Blaming causes terror & depression in any receiver who is in a psychologically weakened state, making them vulnerable to outside negative energies
• this receiver will experience varying amounts of pain if they can’t block or shield themself from the Blamer’s targeting, This can create holes, tears, shattering or disruptions in their energy field, blocking or shutting down the chakras & stopping energy flow in the meridians

B Statements: “It’s your fault , You can’t do anything right , I’m the boss! , If it weren’t for you everything would be all right , You never… / You always …./ Why don’t you ever….”

B’s Stance: They use visual cues with breathing, posture & gestures
• body square on, legs apart, head slightly down, tightened neck muscles, leaning forward a bit
• face is screwed up, lips curled, nostrils flared, eyebrows lowered
• one hand on hip, other hand with raised finger & palm down, pointing directly at the other for strong effect (an attack), or at the ceiling (a warning of attack).
• internal tightness of muscles & organs, with increased blood pressure (see Chart in “What about Es, #1“)

Bs Gain Power by their belittling  & guilt-producing ability, as when the Sender of blame uses force to convey a mental / psychological message, and the Receiver acknowledges & accepts the message
Aim : to never feel vulnerable, by dominating so they’ll be obeyed, & provoking fear so they’ll be ‘respected’

Reacting to a Blamer: (via NLP) If you use a Placater stance with them it can shift their attention from their own attitude & context, to your view & your context.
Be careful: it can also trigger an even stronger Blamer response from them, if they get annoyed at you for being gutless (according to them)

Reality: Blamers hide behind a tough mask of invulnerability, but actually feel powerless, uncared-for & alone in the world with no one to help.
When stressed, they compensate by taking charge, bluff their way out, attacking & controlling. This attitude temporarily makes them feel better – when people obey, they feels effective & powerful
Negative Result : they usually end up alone, since nobody wants to be at the receiving end of their blaming, harshness & over-control

 NEXT: Satir’s COMPUTER Role

Satir’s LEVELER Role

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

leveler I’M ON THE LEVEL –
so you can believe me

PREVIOUS: C0-dep, & the False Self vs True Self

SITE: How to be Assertive without being Arrogant

 

Virginia Satir’s ROLES
All roles are learned in childhood. The 4 unhealthy ones are created as defense mechanisms but end up a threat to the personality – preventing us from being loved, trusted or being able to fully grow.
Satir gives 7 reasons why we use these patterns:
• I might make a mistake     • I might impose   • They might leave me
• Someone will criticize me      • Someone might not like it
• They’ll think I am no good    • I might be thought of as imperfect

The dysfunctional roles are: Blamer, Computer, Distracter &Placater
❀ The Leveler is the only healthy role

1. LEVELERS
a. Style: Satir suggested that 4.5% of people will typically use this style, but many psychologists think this is optimistic. THEY :
• are comfortable with their emotions & can easily discuss them when appropriate
balanced• are dependable because they are trust & honor their observations & perceptions
• are emotionally balanced, assertive (not aggressive) & can relate to many types of people
• apologize when making a mistake – without shame – & can evaluate the situation fairly, without blaming others
THEY:
• deal with a threat rather than fighting it, sweeping it under the carpet or running away
• engage in honest, direct, clear communication – in real-time whenever possible
• establish rapport before trying to influence others, so can bring people together
• experience few threats to their self-esteem, accept average stress as normal, are comfortable with ambiguous & uncertain situations
THEY:
• have easy, free & honest relationships with reasonable people
• have conscious positive intentions behind everything they do
• hold strong positive but realistic beliefs about themself & others
• look for solutions, work out problems realistically & appropriately, so their communication style helps resolve conflicts
THEY:
• may talk intellectually (like the “Computer”), as when lecturing or explaining something, but their emotions are still available
• operate from strong personal values & a store of positive images
• respond to situations in a consistent but not rigid way – conducting their life with integrity, commitment & creativity
• ‘tell it like it is’, without exaggerating or minimizing situations

b. Energy Fuel (from Mary Jo Bulbrook)
• Levelers are able to hold their ground, clearly communicate their needs, set physical & emotional energetic boundaries
• All chakras are about equal, open & flowing, allowing energy to come in & go out easily
• Potential impact on receiver : Levelers help things grow, & enhance the flow of other people’s energy

c. Statements: “I’m relaxed & comfortable because I‘ve got nothing to hide”.  “I like you”.
An important aspect of leveling is the use of “I” statements, which express what they really mean, describe their feelings & wants, while recognizing the feelings & wants of others

d. Stance – if physically healthy
• body, voice & facial expressions all give the same message
• body faces directly toward others, head vertical, relaxed face, even eyebrows, shoulders & hips level, heels directly below the shoulders so that legs are slightly apart, feet facing forward
honest, fair• both palms face down, fingers out flat, slightly wider than the body – as if trying to level the situation

NOTE : Leveling is a psychological & emotionally healthy quality. It does not depend on physical health. Therefore – mental health is not diminished in people with physical disabilities or advanced age

e. Source of Power: from deep self-esteem, finding the most effective behavior for creative problem-solving & in cooperating with others

f. Negative: they consistently state facts, are straightforward & tell the truth, according to their understanding. This makes some people uncomfortable who may feel insulted & get angry at the Leveler –  arguing & justifying themself, or avoid altogether

g. Positive:  Re. SELF –  Satir found that when people start to level (be real), they connect to their body, heart, feelings & brains, which leads to finding their souls & their humanity.
Re. OTHERS – because Levelers are fair & trustworthy, others can depend on them, so they attract people who are also interested in transparency, & no drama.

NEXT: BLAMER Role