PREVIOUS: Don’ts – 2d

SITE: How to Identify Core Beliefs 

POSTS: “Core Values“

NOTE: Lists are a COMPOSITE

1. Emotional Don’ts – see 3 posts in Feb 2018

2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful Mentally Healthy People – (MHP)

🔺MHP Don’t – resent other people’s success
Because they are comfortable with & proud of their own achievements, they appreciate & celebrate other people’s success in life.  They don’t feel jealous or cheated when others surpass them in recognition or financial rewards.
They stay in their own lane, pursuing their own goals – which may not be the same as those of other people – knowing they have the power to increase their own growth. Besides, they want to be surrounded by people who are also achieving their dreams, & can be their peers.

🔺MHP Don’t – put themself last
They understand that success is holistic, so for long-term success &  happiness,  their overall welfare must be a top priority – because they matter. We all go through times when we don’t get enough sleep or exercise, like when working on a big project or dealing with a major stressor, but MPH don’t use precious energy feeling guilty about all they ‘should have done’ over a 3- day weekend, or obsess about taking a break when they really need it. 

Since brains need rest too, to operate in peak form during work hours they make sure to rest & recharge in off time. “Me-time is not wasted time”. Self-care is made up of activities that give life meaning outside of work, while contributing to better performance at work. That’s why they’re just as committed to relaxation & wellness as they are to improving & enhancing career productivity.

🔺MHP Don’t – put work before family
Work is important, but not more than staying connected to loved ones. It keeps them grounded, & is key to living a healthy, prosperous life. Quality time with peers & those who wish the best for them – provides mental & emotional refreshment, making it easier to thrive & face work challenges.

This is as much about mental attitude & personal values as about the amount of time spent with them, which may not be as much as everyone would like. They don’t neglect their intimate relationships with the excuse “I did it all for you”, while staying away physically & emotionally. MHP are not afraid of closeness.

◆ALSO Don’t – betray family or friends
HMP know how to stick up for themself, & not get rolled over. But they deeply value their support system, so back them up in realistic, legitimate ways. After all, if their closest circle can’t trust them, why would anyone else?

🔺MHP Don’t – shy away from change
While not all changes are welcomed or beneficial, MHP will find ways to adjust their attitude & actions to manage stressful events. Although the unknown possibilities that come with change can cause anxiety, MHP survive & succeed because of their ability to adapt, rather than meeting it with resistance. 

At the same time, they look forward to the inevitability of new options & experiences in life, especially the positive unexpected ones, considering them an opportunity for creativity. A work environment filled with new technologies & trends represents forward movement, is energizing & brings out the best in people.

🔺MHP Don’t – speak negatively about themselves
The most important difference between those who succeed in life & those who don’t is how they talk about themselves. They know that discounting achievements & insinuating they can’t do something only serves to hurt their ability to reach their goals. So they don’t boast, yet (quietly) make their competence clear to everyone.

🔺MHP Don’t – stay uncertain or unclear
They know what they want in life – their talents, desires dreams & interests.  They set goals & know how to communicate those goals to others, being clear about their intentions & what actions they want to take – working hard to achieve them.

They’re the people who accomplish great things in life – set attainable, measurable, realistic, specific, time-driven (SMART) goals. It’s important to eliminate any that will set them up for failure, even if those may be long-cherished idealistic or ego-driven desires.

NEXT : Don’ts – 2f

PREVIOUS: # 2c

1. Emotional Don’ts – see 3 posts in 2/18

2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful
(MHP) Mentally Healthy People  (cont)

🔺MHP Don’t – let fear stop them from saying Yes
They’re aware that pursuing their goals & being outstanding means having to take chances from time to time, but successful outcomes depend on taking the right kind.

They face & deal with the 3 basic fears which stop others – failure, rejection, & success itself. They don’t pass up chances for growth even when it feels uncomfortable, willing to take calculated risks that can open doors to new & amazing opportunities.

🔺MHP Don’t – say yes when they really mean No
They’re able to set boundaries on their time & efforts. Saying NO when necessary keeps them focused on the most important tasks that help reach their goals.

In fact, success is often based on what they decide not to do – so that precious time isn’t wasted. They don’t recklessly jump into anything that seems to be “too good to be true”, & don’t let emotions cloud their judgment. They weigh benefits vs. dangers, accurately calculating consequences for each side, making decisions that balance emotion with logic.

🔺MHP Don’t – say yes to everything
They are go-getters, even over-achievers by others’ standards. So naturally they want to raise their hand at every opportunity that presents itself for participation.

But successful people know they can’t do it all – over-committing is a sure way to fail, so is not part of their mind-set.
Being a person of their word is a must, & only commit to things they know they’ll be able to do – starting each say with only 5 things on their list. If they have time & energy for more – fine. They work on things that will move the needle, so they always get what they need done – done.

🔺MHP Don’t – lose sight of their goals
They never take their eyes off their visions & dreams, so they set Specific, Measurable, Attainable,  Realistic, Time-driven (SMART) goals, which provide long-term vision with short-term motivation.
Clear goals provide a standard to identify forward progress even during long hard grinds, allowing them to value their ability & competence, which strengthens self-confidence.

A Harvard study of students :  — 84% had no goals at all
— 13% had goals but not written down
Only 3% had written goals with plans outlined

FOLLOW UP on same students 10 years later:
The 13%-ers were earning twice that of the 84%-ers
The 3% were earning 10 times MORE than the other 97%.

🔺MHP Don’t – make rash decisions
They know the best decisions come with restraint – using logic instead of reacting in the emotional heat of the moment. They wait, see what happens, seek advice, then decide.  They don’t automatically or frantically rush to action. Some decisions do include urgency which have to be made quickly. Others need time to turn out well. And sometimes doing nothing at all is wisest.

🔺MHP Don’t – mismanage time
Successful people do not misuse or distort time , but rather treat it as their most valuable asset.  They know what they need to do each day to function well, & what others need to do for them to get things done.

🔺MHP Don’t – overthink things
 They rarely get stuck in ‘analysis paralysis’, because – they refuse to overthink things (obsess) not second guessing themself. Instead, they evaluate their options in the moment & take action whenever possible – as soon as possible. They know that their choices can’t always be ideal, but have confidence they’ll be okay no matter the outcome

🔺MHP Don’t – pretend to know everything
Successful people are not arrogant – knowing they’re successful, they aren’t jerks about it.  It doesn’t blind them to being aware of important information or seeing potential areas of improvement that will help them make better choices.
In business, info-arrogance limits creativity & options. Trusting that “I know what I know”, they’re not too proud to consult trusted advisors, unconsciously using the proverb, “In the abundance of counselors there is wisdom.”

NEXT : Don’ts -#2e

PREVIOUS: # 2b

SITEs : 9 ways to SELF-CARE

SITE : 13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

1. Emotional Don’ts – (Feb 2018)

2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful (MHP) Mentally Healthy People  (cont)

🔺MHP don’t – go through the day without a plan
They have a purpose, with short & long-term goals. They’re laser-focused on things they want to accomplish on a particular day – unless an emergency gets in the way. Writing things down is helpful, but only works on the top 2 or 3 priorities, not a long list of things that no human can do. They know they have to break down large tasks into realistic steps, which makes it easier to get them done & crossed off the list.

 🌠  don’t – undervalue the need to plan
They start the day with a plan, or at the very least an outline – since real life sometimes get in the way. However, they don’t just go wherever the wind takes them every morning – they decide what they want to focus their energy on, & follow through as much as possible. When life sidetracks then they go back to the plan. Calendars & journals help to track their progress & keeps them from letting other people’s needs & plans constantly shove their own priorities on the back burner.

🔺MHP Don’t – gossip
They know there’s a difference between information & gossip, so they don’t repeat info they have about someone to others, realizing that another person’s private life is none of their business.
Instead of trying to knock others down to make themselves feel better, MHP focus on working towards the goals they’ve set for themself.
They choose to spend time on productive conversations that build up those around them – or keep silent. Rather than gossiping about people behind their backs, which is toxic, they’re respectful & keep to their boundaries.

🔺MHP Don’t – keep negative people around
 Studies have concluded that “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”, & happiness is directly related to the type of “PPT” (people, places & things) we choose to deal with on a regular basis.

Negative people tend to dampen – even poison – the atmosphere around them, acting like an anchor to progress. To stay on a growth path, MHP are able to develop & maintain a network of valuable & supportive family, friends & staff, surrounding themself with people who inspire as well as support.

🔺MHP Don’t – insist the world owes them
Even if they’re very knowledgable & can express their talents successfully, they don’t assume the world owes them. They enter the work-world prepared to succeed on their merits, at every stage of their career. Because life plans can be derailed at any moment – they don’t waste effort feeling “wronged by destiny” when things don’t exactly go their way.

They thrive on working long & hard for what they want, & enjoy their accomplishments. They believe in their right to happiness, but not a life free from obstacles or setbacks. They intentionally focus on what they have to offer, rather than what is ‘deserved’ . Even if they’ve been dealt an unfair hand in life, they use their gifts well, & gladly share them with others.

🔺MHP Don’t – let bad habits control them
They own their weaknesses (time-wasting activities, addictions….) & develop their private & public environments in such a way as to limit the ‘bad habits’ or eliminate the possibility of indulging them.  Minimizing self-defeating behaviors does not include eliminating normal & needed down-time or occasional healthy indulgence used as a break from hard work.

🔺MHP Don’t – let their skills atrophy
Just like with muscles, they know that professional skills need to be developed & improved in order to stay in good work-shape. They make sure to keep a balance – successfully incorporating daily use of their specialized knowledge, as well as moving ahead by feeding their minds with tools to grow & stretch in their field.

NEXT :  Don’ts – 2d

PREVIOUS: MHP, #2a

SITE: Defend Boundaries to Take Back Control

1. Emotional Don’ts  (Feb 2018)

 2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful
Mentally Healthy People (MHP)  (cont)

🔺MHP – DON’T constantly compare to others
They don’t “compare & despair”, accepting that people are complex & circumstances are different for everyone, so it’s not possible to use anyone else as a standard for their own value & life path.

They can be inspired by what other successful people are doing, but will only accurately & fairly compare who they are in the present to their own past self.

They don’t do things that require them to BE someone they’re not.  They check : “Why am I doing this? Am I suited for it? Does it fit me? Is it sustainable?….”  They don’t try to constantly be one-up by getting sucked into competition, which is measuring oneself against others’ rules or achievements.

🔺MHP Don’t – (always) choose short-term comfort over long-term benefits
They don’t just live for the present moment, having mastered the art of delayed gratification for a future reward – when necessary – which they apply when something they want is important to them but not immediately available.
Also, when they know something they want may require uncomfortable, time-limited steps, they’re willing to forge ahead, because it will get them a longed-for benefit (which it does!).

While staying ‘awake’ for what’s happening in their environment (& inside themself), they look down the road to see the long-term consequences of their choices.  They remember to ‘smell the roses’ along life’s path (fun, rest, beauty, love….), but consider possible outcomes of their behavior – on themself & others – using common sense & what they’ve learned from past experience.

Using this skill (as needed, not rigidly!)  is one of the most basic differences between successful & unsuccessful people, both personally & professionally.
NOTE : MHP do not deprive themself of positive short-term benefits, just not as a way to procrastinate or serlve addictions.

🔺MHP Don’t – dwell on past mistakes
They realistically evaluate the outcome of their actions – both successes & failures. The key to success is to learn from any mis-steps by identifying what works & what doesn’t, & not cling to useless ‘favorite’ or outdated traditional procedures. They think: “That error happened, & I can’t go back – so what can I do next time?”, insuring that they don’t make the same mistake over & over – if possible.

🔺MHP Don’t – expect immediate results
They accept Process – that most goals are reached through a series of steps  – so don’t underestimate how long it can take to succeed. “Patience is a virtue!” Taking the long-term view, they applying their best effort & skills, knowing that real change takes time.

If it’s a big project or new experience, they may want to research how long it took others to reach the same goal.
EXP: If the average person needs 1-2 years to learn a new programming skill, success oriented people will not expect to become an expert coder in two weeks.
OR If they only have 1-2 hours a day to work on writing a novel, they accept it will take a lot longer than if they did it full-time. (Posts : “ACoAs & Time“)

🔺MHP Don’t – externalize, they Internalize
Circumstance may be restrictive or difficult – family obligations, health problems, recession…. – but successful people always look within first – knowing that a healthy Inner life determines Outer success. They’re aware that having a satisfying life with few regrets has mostly to do with who they are inside – rather than being totally dependent on outside circumstances. Not driven by toxic family rules – having an internal life based on being comfortable within themself based on healthy life rules largely contributes to producing satisfying external outcomes.

🔺MHP Don’t – focus on societal expectations
They are aware of social rules & laws – which they make a point of obeying. However, they refuse to be pressured by social ‘norms’ & expectations – which are constantly changing – & which don’t contribute to their personal life & career path. They don’t try to measure up to anyone’s unrealistic standards or get pulled around by career expectations that other people set – which can only drain enthusiasm & resourcefulness.

NEXT : Don’ts – 2c

PREVIOUS: Attachment – Anxiety growth
REMINDER: Attachment posts continue in Jan 2024

SITE: How to Identify Core Beliefs 

POSTS: “Core Values“

NOTE: Lists are a COMPOSITE
MHP= Mentally Healthy People

1. Emotional Don’ts – see 3 posts in Feb 2018

2. MHP= Mentally Don’ts

🔺MHP Don’t – give up. Ever!
They have a growth mindset, knowing that ‘overnight success’ is rare or a myth, since most worthwhile things don’t work out immediately – even after several ties! MHP don’t get discouraged or quit if they can’t reach a goal right away, because they believe in their product or talent, even when others don’t.

They consider “failure” a chance to improve their knowledge – if needed – & to strengthen the resolve to find their place in the world. Even if they’re rejected or ridiculed, they hold their head high, refusing to let it define themself as a person.  Many wildly successful people started out with repeated disappointments (EXP : Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, J.K. Rowling….).

✔️ Practical EXP: When you need help to resolve a tech problem, it will always take 3 phone calls before reaching someone who knows how to fix it ! & is happy to help.’

🔺MHP Don’t – allow themself to be dominated
Truly successful people don’t put up with bullies. Standing up for themself often means standing up to someone. They find ways to overcome difficult personalities – not necessarily by fighting the other person on the other’s turf, nor with tit-for-tat actions.

Empowering themself is an essential part of creating the kind of life they want, knowing that their strength comes from how they respond to all situations.  Power means being in charge of how they think, feel or act, which are not to be put in anyone else’s hands.

🔺MHP Don’t – assume automatic growth
In the same vain, they know that self-growth develops slowly & that expecting instant results will lead to disappointment. They consider their personal efforts as a marathon, not a sprint, viewing bumps in the road as minor setbacks rather than total roadblocks.

They use all their mental strength & personal will to provide the resilience to push through challenges. Anyone can strengthen mental muscles by validating their gifts & working on what needs improvement. MPH create opportunities for growth & then challenge themself to be a little better each day, “one day at a time”.

🔺MHP Don’t – believe in luck
Although some luck may be an ingredients in their success, MHP don’t rely on it. They place themself in its path by showing up & doing the hard work.
They focus is on making their best effort in every area of life, so that good fortune (when it shows up) no longer strikes as a form of salvation but as a welcome bonus.
Research shows that ‘lucky people’ are especially good at creating & noticing chance opportunities, making decisions based on listening to their intuition, positive expectations & a resilient attitude.

🔺MHP Don’t – betray their values
They have clear & deeply held ethics & standards. While there may not be many non-negotiables, the ones they do have are sacrosanct. Rooted in realistic self-esteem, they aren’t willing to compromise beliefs in order to be accepted or improve their bottom line.

Sometimes making the right choice for themself based on their values may disappoint or upset others. They try to be fair, even kind, as they navigate their way through such a situation with “finesse.”
This takes courage, but is part of living an authentic life. Basing decisions on healthy standards strengthens their integrity & the possibility of achieving their goals.

🔺MHP Don’t – blame others
They know everyone makes mistakes sometimes, including highly competent & productive people, so they don’t need to make others responsible for their own limitations or errors.

Successful people understand when they’ve made a mistakes & own up to it. If something doesn’t go right, they ask “What could I have done differently to change the outcome?”, knowing it wasn’t someone else’s fault. Instead of blaming, they apologize & move on. Then set about finding a better solution & changing outcomes – if possible – in the future.

NEXT : Dont’s – #2

PREVIOUS : Anxious – Avoidant

SITE : “Rewiring Your Avoidant, Anxious, or Fearful Attachment Style“

IMP. NOTE : MORE Attachment posts will continue in OCT 2023

Healthy Self-Regulation for Avoidant Attachment style
Research suggests that these attachment patterns are consistent over time, but there is other research and many psychological professionals who believe that with insight and some hard work, you can interrupt negative attachment patterns.

Self-regulation means being able to manage your emotions & actions in order to achieve what you want in the long-run.
Basically, it means think before you act. It means understanding your triggers, as well as how you typically react to them.
Emotional triggers for Avoidants :
🔻A partner wanting to get too close – wanting to open up emotionally, demanding your attention
🔻Being judged or criticized for being emotional
🔻Feel the relationship is taking up too much of your time
🔻Having to be dependent on others
🔻Unpredictable situations, or feeling out-of-control

Any of these triggers could cause Avoiders to withdraw, distracting themselves from uncomfortable;e emotions with work or hobbies, or pretend they don’t exist at all.

Healthy self-regulation if you’re an Avoidant
🔺Allow yourself to trust others who’ve proven themself trustworthy
🔺Express your needs & desires to  loved ones
🔺Let yourself depend on safe people by asking for help when needed
🔺Give yourself permission to experience any emotion that surface & resist repressing them. Find safe ways to feel, express & share them

TIPS to help Avoiders Self-regulate
1. Take personal space when you need it
One thing that probably won’t change is your need for personal space in a relationship – and that’s OK. This is especially true when a conflict starts to escalate – so it’s a constructive thing to do. It may preserve the relationship if you want it to!  & could even help it grow.

2. Open your communication
At their core, Avoiders have a fear of feeling, showing strong emotions, which feels like being out of control.

Being able to discuss things with a partner openly & honestly is the key to co-regulating emotions. This prevents a buildup of anger & frustration which can lead to blowing up or ‘disappearing’.  In time, the Avoider will learn that talking about feelings is better than bottling them up.

3. Challenge your inner critic
Their Avoider’s inner critic has convinced you to distrust others & that’s you’ll always be judge or reject for expressing ‘ugly’ emotions. This probably happens to you from your family, but does not apply to everyone in the present.

You may mistakenly self-regulate using these toxic belief , worrying how others will respond when saying how you feels. In contrast, you may idealize yourself to cover up hidden self-hate.
EXP : “I can’t get too involved with someone. They’ll just disappoint me”.
Correction :  Think of times when someone safe that you cared about was really there for you 0 listening without judgement. This can help counter your inner critic by proving it’s not always right.

4. Work on FoO Recovery
FoO = Family of Origin. This can be done with a skilled & kind therapist along with any 12-Step Program that applies: Al-anon, CODA, ACA, AA, OA /for food, DA / for $$$ issues……

The right kind of therapy can help you identify unhealthy ways * meths of self-regulating. Along with the therapist, you can work through attachment triggers, brainstorming some healthy ways of dealing with painful emotions that won’t damage you or your relationship.  (Modified from article “Avoidant Attachment….)”

NOTE : Therapy for Avoiders?
One type is Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which works by identifying harmful thought patterns & behaviors, understanding why and when they happen, a& undoing them through role-playing, problem-solving, and building self-confidence. For avoidant attachment, CBT can help build secure attachment thought patterns as  replacement.

REMINDER : MORE Attachment posts will continue in OCT 2023 = after “Mental Health DON’Ts” posts

NEXT : MHP – Mental, #2a

PREVIOUS : Dismissive-Avoidant Style, #1

SITE :

Dismissive-Avoiders (D-As)  compensate for fear-of-abandonment by a completed mental reframe that says: “I am good, I don’t need others & they’re not really important to me. I’m fine as I am”

A distancing trick Dismissive used to keep true intimacy at bay – is telling ‘the story’ of a long time ago when they let that special one get away.Or it may have been the relationship that ended when the partner left early in their romantic life, or maybe one that was long-distance.

The memory of this idealized previous partner is used as a weapon when the Dismissive tires – as they quickly do – of a real relationship & its demands, since no one could measure up to the “their first love”.
NOTE: This is similar to the mother who pines for the ‘beloved baby who died very early – comparing current children unfavorably to that ‘perfect’ one.

D-As do have need for emotional attachment, but it’s buried deep in the unconsciously. It will only show itself indirectly, as the person becomes skilled at using various forms of control to get others to be there for them
EXP:  They find & use people who are obvious needy over-givers who provide without having to be asked, like codependent rescuers.

They use the shield of self-sufficiency & false self-esteem which serves to suppressed unacceptable feelings, while playing down the effect of those early hurts or embracing them as responsible for building their character. (“They made me who I am today. I’m not like those people at work who have to hold someone’s hand before making a decision.”)

Studies indicated that Dismissives “were most likely to be workaholics, & most inclined to allow work to interfere with a social life. Some said they worked too hard to have time to ‘bother’ getting together, & some that they preferred to work alone.
Because of their ability to focus on work & function well on their own, dismissives can be phenomenal explorers & ‘lone’ contributors. In fields where performance is not based on group efforts, & a lack of concern for others’ feelings can actually be beneficial, the Dismissive can be a star player (some types of litigation, or some scientific fields…).

PREVIOUS : Anxious – Avoidant –  GROWTH

💚 ME – yes  /  YOU – no

Dismissive Avoidants  (D-As) seem to have a high opinion of themself, with a low assessments of others in relationships. While having some underlying traits similar to Fearful Avoidants, this type would rather rely on themself to meet their needs because they can’t trust anyone else to do it.

Unreliable caretakers in childhood have left them with a deep subconscious fear of intimacy, so close attachments are considered un-needed & pointless.
☻ What they’re mainly avoiding are early traumatic memories of childhood pain, & the current pressure of closeness which includes expectations & messy emotions.

D-As have a high avoidance but low anxiety profile, unlike those with the Preoccupied style.  They see themself as independent of others, uncomfortable with any form of intimacy, so are psychologically distant, rarely sharing innermost feelings.

They will proudly say they value their self-sufficiency & independence, experiencing attachments as strings that hold you down.  They see needy people as weak, & that empathy or sympathy are for lesser creatures, so will not support partners during stressful times.

When dating, at first avoidants can be charming, having learned all the social graces. They know how they’re expected to act in courtship & can play the role well – for a while. But without a positive view of one-to-one connections, Dismissing-Avoiders expect a relationship to fulfill a romantic ideal which no human can fulfill, so everyone always falls short. ‘Naturally’, dates & mates are discarded when they become too annoying or invasive.

D-As make poor adult-partners, not taking attachment issues seriously, & find it hard to be supportive to children & friends.
If they let themself be in a relationship & the partner keeps trying to get attention & be intimate, the D-A will pull away –  rejecting the relationship as burdensome & will likely end it.
Instead – they get their needs met for attention, sex & community by being with un-demanding partners who don’t ask for real reciprocation or emotional closeness (like an Anxious-Preoccupied).

Because D-As don’t invest much emotion in relationships, they’re not very upset when one ends. They often avoid intimacy by using excuses (such as long work hours), or may fantasize about other people during sex. Afraid of losing autonomy, they avoid emotional, even physical closeness (have a lower sexual appetite). Research has also shown that adult Avoiders are more accepting of & tend to engage in casual sex.

The more extreme avoidants are almost incapable of talking about their emotions, & whatever feelings they’re aware of are mainly negative, but have great can’t find the words to describe them.
This syndrome is called alexithymia, the roots of the word literally meaning “having no words for feelings,” which is not the same thing as not having feelings. In the worst cases, some can only express themself with incoherent rages & tantrums.
Or it will show us as unexplained physical symptoms – such as stomach pains and adrenalin rushes, fast heart rate, loss of energy, nervousness, “uncomfortable in one’s skin…”

NEXT: Dismissive-Avoidant #2

PREVIOUS : Anxious – PREOCCUPIED

25 POSTs : “Secretly Angry Nice People” & co-dependence

BOOK: “Not Nice – Stop People-Pleasing….”

❗️Remember you were only a child (in a dysfunctional environment) when you developed your Anxious Attachment style, & that it was in no way your fault!

❗️Access your deep-seated need for security! Be compassionate toward yourself as you get clearer about your painful childhood. Sty awake for when you feel especially scared & where that’s located in your body.
Take responsibility for any old ‘issues’ that get triggered & acted out, questioning the validity of the negative beliefs that scare you.

❗️Don’t abandon yourself – know what your needs, wants & dreams are & then find healthy ways to provide them. Put those desires in the foreground instead to burning yourself out to ‘buy love’ & approval.

When you feel anxious, talk it thru with a trusted person & share it in Al-anon. Practice the mental attitude of thinking positively to feel happy – without needing to make everyone else feel that way too. Your serenity is just as important to you, so embrace it!

❗️Be honest about you needs from the start of any relationship – it’ll make the wrong people leave & the right ones stay. Stuffing emotions, opinions & needs is how Anxious Attachers cope. We keep ourself small or invisible – to make room for pleasing others. Stop!

Bravely ask for anything you want, but don’t assume everyone can actually comply. Make sure you go to the right people – who already have what you need. Even so, they’re not obligated to provide it !

❗️Practice noticing & then believing that other people’s behavior is not about you (not personal!).  Accept that almost everyone projects their own experiences, judgements & self-hate – on to others – including you. Their reactions are theirs, no matter what you do or who you are.

❗️Stop equating love with the adrenalin rush of a romantic high. Take romantic partners off the pedestal – they’re not going to save you! Stop people-pleasing, Choose friends & partners who are already emotionally available, committed & empathetic, who can value & treasure you just the way you are. Avoid Avoidantly Attached types.

❗️Remind yourself that if your trustworthy partner pulls away – it’s temporary, not a “worst-case-scenario”, which BTW you are projecting your family on to them.
Calmly express you fear of abandonment, rather than accuse, blame, control or demand. (Stop the drama).

❗️Accept & respect “NO.”  Be able to handle feeling rejected – especially when it’s not a rejection of your Self. While you must speak up about what you need & want, also allow others to set their own boundaries, not be available, or say they don’t know how or can’t help you.

You don’t have to like it, but respect it the same way you want to be respected. Then ask yourself if the relationship provides other things that work for you. (It may not!)
If a partner or friend isn’t allowed to say “No” when they need to, they’ll start avoiding you.  We can not get everything we want or need from one ‘special’ person, and we can tolerate a no more easily when it’s presented, by learning to self-soothe – comforting the Wounded Inner Child.

↗️ Laws of Detachment are about trust & surrender rather than control: From a psychological perspective, neuroscientist & author Tara Swart, Ph.D., in the The Source, says that “it takes time to build up & strengthen neural pathways before you are ready for a new behavior, relationship, or job.” So don’t get caught up in timelines, overthinking, & doubts.

Al-anon saying: “Take the action & let g0 of the results”. When we stop insisting that outcome must be our way, we’re free to stumble across wonderful possibilities & real options.
«

NEXT :Attachment = Dismissive-Avoidant. #1

PREVIOUS  : Anxious-Avoidant (#1)

SITE : ” Serial Monogamy” (EXP: Liz Taylor)

Anxious-avoidants long for intimacy but are (unconsciously) terrified of rejection from their partners. This fear make them pull away or close themself off. When in a relationship that starts to get too close & requires emotional openness, their self-hate & mistrust of others surfaces & they use manipulative ways to escape.

This can lead to the push-pull pattern of alternately trying to keep a partner attached, then pushing them away when the partner asks to be close. In their own double bind –  they’ll feel cranky & empty when pulling away, but still dream of being wanted.

JOURNALING
F-As struggle with negative core beliefs about the Self, which  turn into negative actions. You can become aware of those Toxic Beliefs. by journaling or thinking about them when driving or on a walk. Staying awake to your harmful inner voice *Negative Introject) can give you the opportunity to disagree with it, which will minimize your need to be avoidant.

📯 Be wiling to identify, admit & feel the pain of your childhood abandonment & neglect
📯Learn to notice & acknowledge the difference between people who want to use you vs. those you genuinely love you
📯 Acknowledge what you’re doing = that you act out or withdraw when you feel ‘crowded’
📯 Choose better ways to calm yourself when you get anxious when someone is getting too close to you

Prompts
📫 What are some signs that I might be projecting past abandonments on to a new relationship?
❤️‍🩹 How can I  practice self-compassion when I act on the urge to avoid an emotional situation
❣️What are my beliefs about relationship endings?
What influences those beliefs?
🖥️ What is my relationship yo my career, and hobbies?
Am I using them as a form of escape from intimacy?
«

«
 F-A struggles with low self-esteem – not deserving of approval & acceptance – also affect their sex-life.. They look for sex to meet their need to feel loved but without having to be emotionally available, as a way of avoiding potential loss. While they may think they long for sex within a long-term relationship, their negative beliefs can often keep them from taking the risk.
«

«
PARTNERs of  F-As : Improve your SEXUAL Relationship
♡ Be open & available
If you figure out that your partner’s avoidance stems from low-self esteem-anxiety rather than a lack of physical attraction, you may want to take extra care to provide reassurance they might not even realize they need – making it clear by the consistency of your actions that you can be relied on to provide a level of safety for them.

♡ Slow down you heat-of-the-moment comments
Sexual encounters can spur automatic behaviors in a F-A partner, like – springing out of bed immediately post-orgasm.
☸︎ Stop to notice your own emotional reaction before saying anything. If you’re able to be objective, you may consider asking “‘Would you be willing to stay in bed with me a little longer?”// “Can you tell me what’s going on?” // “Can you please slow down instead of rushing off?” // “What do you think just happened?” …..
♡ Learn better ways to Communicate Needs
Instead of making accusations & pointing a finger at your partner (which can spark defensiveness) it’s better to use ‘I’ statements.
EXP :  instead of  ‘You always seem disinterested when I’m talking to you,’ say, ‘Sometimes I feel unheard when we’re talking about a serious subject . Will you let me know you understand what I’m saying?’”

♡ Frame sex conversations about pleasure & play
Too often the ‘talks’ are about emotional frustration or sexual disappointment.
Instead, rather than focusing on what’s missing, make suggestions about how to have more pleasure when you’re together. Highlight an exciting or new element about any sexy idea that’s of mutual interest. It can spark a conversation about pleasure that may ultimately open the door for more intimacy. EXP : Mention – “I just read about this new sex position I’d love  for us to try,” or “Theres a new sex toy talked about on a podcast” 

NEXT :ANXIOUS Attachment – GROWTH