PREVIOUS: MBTI & Scans #4

See Brain Area CHARTS in previous posts

APPLICATION
“All of us have the needs & values of 4 (S/N, T/F) MBTI Temperaments but one is “home base”- which comes naturally, the one we go to when under stress.
We can’t seem to live without it – the one we’re most drawn to & find satisfying (Dominant).
Equally, we dislike one of them, the one we avoid or are suspicious of.” (Inferior)   

MBTI Functions associated with Neocortex Regions:

Si – brain activity reflects background, training & expertise. ‘In the zone’ when reviewing past events, good at recalling info without context or kinship data
– high level of activity in T5 (respect for protocol & social order) when responding to social feedback
– activity in T6 (planning) when considering the future

▪︎ ISTJs & ISFJs are both visual (O1 &/or O2).
ISxJs favor Fp2 over Fp1, while ESxJs do the reverse.

Se – shows “Tennis hop” pattern. Quickly integrates body & sensory info
– has over-all low level cognitive activity (blue areas), allowing quick action response in the moment
– can easily go into ‘the zone’ in a crisis
– often bored : more activity when looking out window than when doing desk work

📈
Ni – (INFJ / INTJ) often shows ‘In Flow’ pattern when attacking new task
– works best when focused on a single Q without distraction (blue)
– strong activity in O1 & O2, the visual areas. like picturing the future
▪︎ Other types only show this pattern when engaged in their specific area of expertise, except Ni-users, who also show it when tackling a new problem

Ne – (ENTP / ENFP) often shows “Christmas Tree” activity
– least likely Types to have ‘In Flow’, unless due to expertise
– uses areas that support imagination (F7), often experience creative HIs
– has fast, creative responses, sometimes too much (‘Imaginative Mimic’) 
– hard to get in ‘the zone’, & then only after practicing / internalizing an activity over weeks, months or years

📈
Ti – sometimes shows ‘Tennis hop’ (ISTP). Least interested in listening
– INTPs tend to quickly stop listening, to assess relevance of what’s being said
– neocortex shuts out raw emotions, for objectivity
– tend to dissociate when arguing or meeting someone new
– high use of complex logical reasoning areas (F3, F4, P3, P4), which are deep inside neocortex, so can ‘detach’ by being away from visual, auditory & kinesthetic distractions
– engage the 4 areas, as well as Fp1 & 2, when examining a topic from multiple angles, to integrate info into coherent whole 

⚙︎ F3 – derives solutions linearly (ESTPs highest, then INTPs)
⚙︎ F4 – categorizes & defines concepts (INTPs highest, then ESTPs)
⚙︎ P3 – integrates visual-kinesthetic data (ISTPs highest, then ENTPs)
⚙︎ P4 – holistically weighs many pros & cons of uncertain or risky factors (ENTPs highest, then ISTPs)

Te – (ESTJ / ENTP) shows efficient use of mental energy
– relies on 4 key Left side areas (O1, C3, T3, Fp1 = hearing, seeing, recalling, deciding). Tends to not use other areas much, even with tasks that would normally invoke them in others
▪︎ IXTJs are more visual, attentive to tone of voice, & focus on applying details over quick decision-making
• ESTJs more open to brainstorming, & listen intently to authority figures

📈
Fi – (ISFP / INFP) excellent at active listening. EEG is solid bright blue, all parts being in sync
– high activity in T3 & T4 (language). Carefully compose speech (content & delivery)
– high activity in F8, stimulated by ranking importance
– least activity in anterior regions that encourage logic / – relies on left-brained (Fp1) decision-making

▪︎ INFPs will listen deeply for 10 min. & so can get to core of someone’s psychology. Less likely to defend their own views or take action, though when they stop listening, Fp1 gets very bright, from making a strong (or final) decision
• INSPs listen briefly for connection, then move to action (show ‘Christmas Tree’), but more attentive when others withhold info 

Fe – (ESFJ / ENFJ) increased brain activity focused on social responsibility
– active in T3 (diction & grammar) – stimulated by communicating explanations & decisions
– uses F5 a lot, which helps adjust to social feedback
– uses Fp1 to suppress emotional impulses from deep in the brain, in favor of mature cognitive responses
– uses Fp2 less, so may suddenly switch from highly composed to very angry
– least activity in visual areas (O1 & 2)

▪︎ ESFJs more left-brained, high activity in C3 & F7
▪︎ ENFJs more right-brained, high in F4 & T4

NEXT:  Unhealthy MBTI  functions

PREVIOUS:
Nardi – brain activity #2

MBTI & Brain Scans
• Brain activity does not equal behavior or preferences
EXP:  Most who enjoy brainstorming do not show the holistic ‘Christmas Tree’ pattern typical of Ne types, who excel at trans-contextual thinking

• Although areas of the brains can be identified & connected to the main function of each Type, we can not assign a Cognitive Process to those areas
EXP: F7 handles several functions, including mimicking others’ behaviors, asking “what if?” & drawing conclusions based on context

Participants performing tasks ⬇️
Med Blue = most used regions, Light blue – commonly used, Grey – used on some occasions, Black – almost unused.
Notice that INFP & ESTP are the exact reverse of each other = perfectly complementary.

⬇️ USAGE
•  The entire Prefrontal region is used a great deal by all Types, but those with a dominant “Rational” function (T or F), either E or I, show higher activity in Fp1, while ‘Irrationals’ (S or N) rely more on Fp2 (from Scionics)

• In general (with exceptions, of course) Es are more apt to use front of the brain, while Is tend more to use back areas

• Sensates tend to use Left side more (analytic), & Intuitives use the right (holistic)
• Thinkers show more activity in the reasoning areas (F3, F4, P3, P4 ), & Feelers have more access to C4, while Ts use C3 more.

• Every type uses some region in common with their ‘opposite’ type. An ISFP (Fi-Se) relies on some of the same regions as INTJs (Ni-Te) or ENTJs (Te-Ni)…

♠️ ♦️ ♣️♥️  EMOTIONS
✦ Various neocortex areas produce or enhance particular emotions which encourage or discourage us to act in certain ways, presumably for survival
▪︎ Everyone prefers some brain areas over others. When one region has maxed out its activity, another will take over

🌸 Result – each person has a somewhat different set of emotional dynamics

EMBARRASSMENT
“The brain acts as a feedback device. It gets external input which it considers along with other data (memories, values, theories), & then prompts us to act (or not). So, everyday distinctions like ’emotional vs rational self’ don’t really exist in the brain, which is more like a forest ecology than a matrix.

Many regions are involved in emotions as well as thinking, such as region T5 on the lower left, which helps us pay attention to social feedback. It light up when we notice how others are responding to us, such as being criticized, noticing a smile of approval…. or feeling embarrassment, which may spur us to change our behavior. (More….)
2 EXPs:
• ENFJs are quite easy to embarrass. Only the T5 is affected, but reacts to even minimally uncomfortable situations. The level of embarrassment is confined to that one area, & but increases proportional to the intensity of the circumstance.

▪︎ Normally, INTP’s T5 is rather hard to activate. But when embarrassment finally registers, reaction spills over to several neighboring regions, including ones responsible for dexterity, which can explain why some get klutzy.
⚫️ Always represents non-activity
🔴 shows the sudden emotional flooding in 5 other areas around T5 as well:
T3 = sexuality, C3 = factual recall / move step-wise, P3 = integrate vision /sensation & identify objects, O1 = build/rotate objects, & part of the mid-line.

NOTE: T4 also allows us to have a sense of humor!

“A bus station in where buses stop, & a train station is where trains stop. On my desk I have a work station.” 🤪
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.”

⬇️ From: AncientSpirits (Dr. Nardi) 12 /2017
“EQ”: EMPATHY, MBTI Types & Brain Scans
The MBTI framework doesn’t cover emotions. So here’s an example from “Our Brains in Color” to consider. Multiple neocortex regions are involved in our functioning, & It’s rare for a person to have skills in all of them, but each Type has their strengths.

EXP:
▪︎ ESFPs tend to have more wiring & activity around voice tone / detecting intent…..
▪︎ …… while for ESTPs it’s around seeing & interpreting body language

▪︎ ISFJs tend to be a master of using FC6, ➡️ which helps sort out emotions in a social context

▪︎ ENFPs tend to be great at mirroring others’ emotions (F7) but not actually feeling it themselves (PC4), which is more ENFJ and ESFJ…..

NEXT: Nardi – brain activity #4

PREVIOUS: MBTI & Nardi scans #3

SITE:  Brain activity for each MBTI Type

Dr. NARDI:
✦ “In ‘Neuroscience of Personality’ I describe a variety of correlations between personality Type & Frequencies & Amplitudes (brain waves).
EXP: The solid bright blue relates to an ‘in Flow’ or waiting state, where all regions of the neocortex are dominated by very high amplitude delta waves. Anyone might show this pattern – the link to type has to do with which tasks or events cause it.

▪︎ Some people show much more activity in the prefrontal than other regions, at least in my lab. Among these are the dominant Extraverted Intuitives (ENFP & ENTP), & most Introvert Types…”

Brain Waves : EMOTIV EEG provides pictures of the 4 frequency bands. Lighter colors show amount of activity.   DELTA = for sleep
THETA = routine problem-solving
ALPHA = limbic-body connection
BETA /GAMMA = insight, learning, excitement

Brain Scan PATTERNS
DEF: The “In FLOW” map is whole-brained & zen-like, when all regions of the neocortex are in sync, with medium-low frequency & very high-amplitude brain waves. It shows up when someone:
▪︎ engages in a task they’re expert at – or at least imagines they are. (Any type)
▪︎ handles a crisis during role-play (ESTP / ESFP)
▪︎ reviews the past in detail (ISTJ / ISFJ)
▪︎ actively listens to others (INTJ / INFJ)
▪︎ listens to an authority figure (ESTJ)
(More….Slide #10) //  (ALSO…… )

MBTI & Nardi
✔️ Most individuals have 1-2 Low & 1-2 High -threshold functions
• Si: Access narrative past, use whole mind to review past events, tent toward rote memorization, repetition, in-depth reviews of daily events
• Se: Recall details of recent data with high fdelity, identify objects, gives smooth body motion, calm in tense situations

• Ti: Define, categorize, derive solution logically, minimal / optimized use of brain (when function is DOM)
• Te: Decision-making, explanation, construct visual images, fabricate / lie, minimal / optimized use of brain (when function is DOM))

• Ni: Project into future, draw on entire mind to foresee or determine an answer, weigh many factors at once
• Ne: Trans-contextual thinking (linking contexts), analogize, mirror others, mental what-if simulations – “Christmas tree” pattern is typical of Ne Types

• Fi: What’s of personal value to oneself, listen with the whole mind, tone of voice
• Fe: Attend to how others are responding to self, social appropriateness, attend to words

QUARTETS
Brain studies using MBTI data often group results into 4 types.  All quartets performed better than by chance, which suggests there’s more to personality types than limited ‘boxes’. Rather, there’s an underlying set of dynamics. When people share a dynamic, they share brain activity that helps them get along.

More COMMENTS
✦ “Regarding general intelligence, I’ve met :
• INFJs with more accurate mental models & effective definitions than their INTP counterparts sharing the same technical module. Similarly,
▪︎ I can imagine an ESFP having more effective organizing skills than their ESTJ peer & –

▪︎ ENFJs with more effective use of Se than ISTPs with the same module. Some reasons:
– better integration of self & the various functions
– more appropriate environment EXP: Who knows chemist better – an ISFP chemist or an INTP alchemist?)
– a different developmental space or level

✦ With regard to Feeling vs Thinking types, some research into EQ & type, strongly suggested that :
• Fs develop emotional competencies in a particular, steady order, that allows decent coverage of all competencies, while :
▪︎ Ts develop emotional competencies to meet environmental demands, often haphazardly, & so can be quite capable in some emotional areas & severely deficient in others.”
(Feb. 2016 Nardi interview)

NEXT: Nardi brain scans #4

 PREVIOUS: FRIENDS Inventory

SITEs: Interview w/ Dr Nardi
• NARDI website

BOOK: Neuroscience of Personality – Principles of the Psyche as a Living System – Dario Nardi, PhD, UCLA

Neuroscience studies the structure & function of the nervous system – mainly the brain. Imaging techniques (PET, MEG & SPECT scans, fMRI…) have made it possible to match neurological data points with cognitive theories about how the normal brain works.
PERSONALITY is the result of certain brain areas being dominant. Non-dominant thinking patterns need more stimulus – than dominant ones – to be activated, because neurons that ‘fire together wire together’.

✥ Some BRAIN Facts

▪︎ it’s modular, with 2 executive centers, with one usually dominant
▪︎ there are activity circuits that cause rapid responses ⬇️, & the engagement curve can be tracked (see below)
▪︎ each region has a threshold for activation, but there are also whole-brain patterns

▪︎ it’s neuro-plastic, so can change or adapt to new experiences (needs over 10,000 times of practice) “Experience Changes Brain Plasticity“

▪︎ it has a finite amount of energy in the form of glucose
▪︎ certain structures use more energy than others, such as the Pre-Frontal Cortex (PFC: decisions, prioritizing, problem-solving), which needs a great deal of fuel

▪︎ the PFC is critical for modulating behavior, by directing energy to various other areas
▪︎ the more developed the brain is, the more efficiently it uses energy
EXP: Info taken out of working memory (on to physical notes, idea boards….) frees up energy to solve a problem

✥ Jung emphasized that the purpose of his theory of Personality Types was to “provide a critical psychology which will make possible a methodical investigation & presentation of empirical material.” (explain our observations)

Professor Dario Nardi’s brain-mapping research has provided empirical evidence supporting Jung’s observational theory. Identifying modular & holistic characteristics of the brain suggests there are certain kinds of activity associated with psychological types.

He wrote : “The science is in! Each of the 8 Jungian cognitive processes (E-I, S-N, T-F, P-J) corresponds to a pattern of electrical activity that unites brain, mind, culture & context into a comprehensive model.”

His work only deals with the 6 lobes of the CEREBRAL CORTEX, which handle attention, awareness, consciousness, language, memory, perception & thought. And – the prefrontal-cortex manages the whole brain. 

Nardi’s research is done using an EEG* head cap or band, on volunteers of different MBTI types while they perform a variety of tasks that represent many daily activities – to measure neocortical activity along the scalp at 16 points of attachment. This has provided similarities & differences between the various Types.

* EEG (electro-encephalogram) records spontaneous electrical activity along the scalp produced by neurons firing in the outer layer of the brain, the neocortex.  Although EEG can’t reach the middle or deep layers of the brain directly, those deeper cognitive functions can still be detected by the activity on the surface.

THRESHOLD to ACTIVATION ➡️
• Individuality: Each brain region requires a different amount of stimulation to light up ⬇️
• 🔵 Low threshold: A medium amount of stimulus shows up as light colored regions,
⚫️ but a little stimulus has no effect
• 🔴 High threshold: Brain activity increases with more stimulation, & a lot of it creates a strong, possibly overwhelming neural response

ENGAGEMENT CURVE
▪︎ Engaged = competent &/or motivated
• Activities evoke progressively more brain activity as challenge & motivation increase
▪︎ Unfamiliar/unimportant tasks = no activity
TASKS: Sign your name, sign it backwards with each hand – for $, sign it in Urdu.

Response DIFFERENCES
Looking at the neurological scans, one possibility for the differences is that Introverts are still THINKING even when nothing’s going on externally
In contrast, Extroverts seem to go IDLE without any external input/stimulus

TESTING
▪︎ Randomly selected MBTI Types only shared 5-33% similar brain activity
▪︎ With same Personality Types, only HALF shared 70-80% of brain regions, the other half lean toward 50% similarity
▪︎ 20% were Atypical for their type (Annholm.net)
EXP: Of all the Types, ENFPs’ brain activity (by region) are most similar to each other

🌹OVERLAY list of brain lobes ⬆️ to see correlating with scalp points ⬇️.
The 8 neuro-patterns go smoothly with the 8 Jungian processes underlying the 16 MBTI types.
The categories on this map are based on information in neuroscience textbooks & hundreds of diverse published research papers.

NEXT: Nardi – brain activity #2

PREVIOUS: Real Friends

SITE: “How to be best friends forever“

PREVIOUS: Real Friends #1

SITE: The Secret to Friendship after 30 (the 5 TYPES ⬆️)

QUOTE: “You can make more friends in 2 months by being interested in other people, than in 2 years trying to get others interested in you.” ~ Dale Carnegie

1. HEALTHY /// 2. COMPASSIONATE

3. SUPPORTIVE

✦ With you in UP and DOWN times
A true friend shows up. They don’t care if it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, or maybe a little dangerous, but they will show up – the friend that’s given you unwritten permission to call 3am if you need to, & they’re available
THEY – don’t disappear when the going gets rough
– will be right by your side, offering a listening ear & loving support
– are authentically happy when you’re happy & successful
– celebrate with & are proud of you

✦ Have empathy – A best friend can actually feel what you’e going through – because they’ve been there too. Or, they simply relate to you on such a deep level so they can deeply understand

✦ Loyal – A true friendship is be grounded in trust & loyalty. You can have faith they’ll never betray your trust, talk behind your back, or diminish you in front of others.They don’t disappear when someone ‘better’ comes along. Your best friend has your back! No matter the situation, you know they’ll make themselves available

✦ Want you to succeed & be happy – A true friend is going to root for you no matter what, because they know everyone is different, & everyone has a different path with different gifts & talents.
SO – they’re not jealous, because they understand you’re being true to yourself &, they’re also doing what’s right for themselves, so you can celebrate each other without jealousy or animosity. BUT – Even if they do have a twinge of jealousy / envy, they’ll make an effort to keep those feelings from  minimizing your abilities or from spoiling your joy!

✦ Encouraging – Your bestie adores you (even thinks you’re awesome) & is there to give you a boost when you’re feeling low. As your personal cheerleader, they’ll remind you of your accomplishments & all the great things you have to offer the world, always focusing on your positive qualities

4. ATTENTIVE

✦ “Telepathic” – Your best friend has the uncanny ability to read your mind before the words pop out of your mouth. Just by exchanging a glance, you both know exactly what the other is thinking – having hared many experiences.
NOTE: It’s NOT co-dependent, which is assuming they’re the same as you, but rather knowing who you are, with similarities as well as your differences

✦ Listen & show interest –  A real friend invests the time to listen carefully to who you are, connecting to your inner life. They can ‘do’ light, but also go beyond superficial conversation & meaningless chit-chat. They pay attention to what you say about yourself with imposing their point of view or immediately talk about themselves

✦ Wants you to be better – A true friends is a safe confidant, but can also be a role model for things you admire in them. Being around them make you grow. They’re happy to share their experience & insights because they want you to be the best you can be & they’re happy to help

✦ Make equal effort to stay connected – A true friend makes your friendship a priority. They happy to invests equal time & energy into maintaining the relationship – initiating plans, reaching out to talk….. so you don’t have to chase after them to stay connected

✦ Respects your opinions, even when disagreeing = A true friend are comfortable with small differences between you – in tastes & preferences, & is willing to rise above a very deeply held feeling or opinion you have that’s not like theirs – in order to preserve the friendship. They can listen & respond respectfully without making personal judgments or attacks.

NEXT: —

 PREVIOUS: Fake Friends

SITE:  BENEFITS of LAUGHTER

• The ART of…. 24 Adult Friendships

Everyone needs friends – for emotional support, companionship, checks on our behavior, & to share & recall life experiences with

1. HEALTHY
✦ Someone who is able to trust others in a realistic way is someone who’s comfortable with their own vulnerability.
A healthy friend can share their authentic self with you, because they have self-esteem as well as boundaries. This means they’re not superficial – willing to go deep with you

✦ Trustworthy – You know you can share secrets, fears & deep thoughts because they’ll stay private, & never be used against you in any way.

Honesty & dependability are considered the most vital qualities of friendship.

✦ Honest – They’re not afraid to speak openly from the heartland can also be objective. They’re able & willing to give you their real opinion, even when they disagree with your choices, especially if they think it’s in your best interest – BUT done without either people-pleasing or trying to control you

✦ Dependable – Someone you can count on to be there when they say they will, do what they say, and be willing to stand up for you, especially when you can’t stand up for yourself

✦ Generous – Giving comes naturally between best friends, with each person willing to share what they have with the other. A true friendship has boundaries, but abundance is key. No tabs are kept on who gives & who receives – or how much – creating a flow of sharing & caring

✦ Fun to be around – A healthy friend generally has a positive attitude, is quick to laugh, & makes you feel good just to be around them. They often lift you up, wanting to enjoy life with you.

Someone you’re compatible with shares your sense of humor. Rolling on the floor laughing ’till your stomach hurts doesn’t happen with just anyone.

A true friend laughs with you – They have experiences with you that don’t always require words, but even in the hard times you’ll laugh your way through it together. Between the personal jokes & shared experiences, your bestie knows how to tickle your funny bone.

2. COMPASSIONATE
✦ Love us unconditionally – A healthy friend loves you in spite of your imperfections – if they’re not overriding & self-destructive. They can overlook these flaws, knowing it doesn’t represent all of who you are. They can see your Real Self, accepting that we all come with baggage

A true friend sees your blind spots & unattractive habits, & isn’t afraid to call you out on them. They can sit you down & say “Listen, I see some things you need to take a look at!” They’re honest, but it’s done in a loving way

✦ Not judgmental – A real friend has a way of helping you through tough times without shame or judgment. They know your true essence, & have faith that you have the intelligence & guts to get back on track. They will give you a hug, listen without giving advice, help you get back on solid ground, & laugh with you about it when it’s over

✦ Keeps you humble – We all want to brag a little (or a lot) over the top – your kids, your job, what you have.… A true friend will celebrate you & yours, but also remind you of your values. You’re not better than the next person, so they encourage being realistic

✦ Quick to forgive & forget – A real friend accepts your apology when you mess up, & is willing to talk it thru & then move on – without guilting or shaming or hanging on to their hurt feelings. A real friend wants to heal the connection, especially when you have apologized sincerely. Your part is to be careful not to repeat the injury.

NEXT: Real Friends – #2

  PREVIOUS: Real vs Fake People 

SITEs: “How to Spot a Fake Friend”

▪︎ 12 Signs of a Fake Friendship    – Expanded info, with cartoons

Some FAKE FRIEND (FF) Characteristics

MENTAL / VERBAL – THEY:
◎ often gossip about other friends with you (so are very likely to gossip about you too)

◎ are not interested in getting to know you on a deeper level

◎ put down your opinions or beliefs

◎ judge your limitations or mistakes harshly

◎ always turn the conversation back to themselves

◎ forget the important things going on in your life

◎ insist on convincing you of their point / opinion

EMOTIONAL  / PSYCHOLOGICAL – THEY:

◎ tend to disappear when you need their friendship the most

◎ try to make you feel guilty or get passive-aggressive when things don’t go their way

◎ have a hard time being happy for your successes & achievements (envy / jealousy)

◎ use back-handed compliments to confuse & wound you

◎ are quick to take offense or get angry with you

◎ infect you & everyone else with their continual bad mood or ill temper

◎ only find you when they need help

◎ have a heightened sense of self-importance & entitlement

◎ hold your past mistakes over you & won’t let them go

◎ try to control & change you

SOCIAL – THEY:

◎ rarely initiate calls or get-togethers

◎ never stand up for you in front of others

◎ frequently break promises or “forget” commitments

◎ say things to embarrass or shame you in front of others

◎ call you only when it seems they have nothing better to do

◎ can easily drop you as a friend when it suits them

◎ selfishly take up a lot of your time

◎ don’t like your other friends (possessive)

☛ ADD YOUR OWN to the list  

 FAKE FRIENDS (FFs) :
⦿ ask about you but aren’t actually interested
FF may say, “Hi! How are you?”, & then turn away to talk to someone else before you can open your mouth, OR immediately start talking about themselves, & never take a breath!

⦿ always demand convenience 
FFs make sure they have everything they need first – & to their taste – before considering others. They may be charming, smooth, even cheerful, yet it’s all done for their own benefit, even when it means others will suffer

Notice:  they’re only nice as long as a situation suits them, & not a minute longer. As soon as they’re not happy, they’re not nice (high-maintenance).

⦿ leave your side for someone ‘better’
FFs use others to comfort themselves – only act friendly when they don’t want to be alone. In an unfamiliar or uncomfortable social situation they’ll act like your friend so they’ll feel better & look popular (not a wallflower). As soon as they spot someone with a higher social status or is more interesting, they’ll mosey over to the ‘more valuable’ person.

⦿ are inappropriately excited to see you 
If you run into an old friend you haven’t seen in a long time, you might exclaim & hug each other. But when someone you barely know does that (you’ve only exchanged small talk with, at work or other group), it’s not about friendship. It’s boundary invasion &  being presumptuous.

Maybe the FF is just desperate to be liked, wants to look better to others, hopes to placate you if they think you’re angry at or displeased with them, or just buttering you up to get something from you later.

⦿ constantly talk over you
Some people just likes to hear themselves talk – who ask a question just so they can gives their version or opinion, or who forever tell the same story, even using the very same words & expressions.
Sometimes FFs will act really interested in what you have to say, nodding with enthusiasm – but later you realize they never seem to remember things you’ve told them over & over.

ALWAYS notice people’s pattern of interaction with you & with others.
IF you want to tell a FF they’ve hurt you, remember to be respectful & have good boundaries.
IF they don’t want to hear it, but instead get defensive, change the subject or turn it back on you – making you the bad-guy – then it’s time to let go . Life’s too short to hang onto to a toxic relationship.

NEXT: Real friends

PREVIOUS: Real vs Fake #3

IMAGE shows relationships in TIERS ⬆️

The following article is modified from Tim Urban’s site.  See other images & longer explanations at “The Friendship Quadrant”
“Once student-life ends, the people in your life start to shake into more distinct tiers….. Whatever your particular mountain looks like, eventually the blur of youth is behind you, the dust has settled, & there you are living your life – when one day, usually around your mid or late 20s, it hits you: It’s not that easy to make friends anymore…”

Tier 1 – those who feel like close siblings (if you like any of those!)
Tier 2 – your Pretty Good friends…
Tier 3 – your Not Really friends…. the lowest part starts to blend indistinguishably into your large group of acquaintances (pink zone),
who gradually blend into the endless world of strangers (white).

Some TYPES ➡️ :
▪︎ Walled-Off Wally – surrounded but totally alone
▪︎ Phony Phoebe – trying to be everyone’s best friend, but ends up with lots of people mad at her
▪︎ Unabomber Ulysses  – who gets rid of everyone

ODD FRIENDSHIPS (unhealthy)

1) The Non-Question-Asking Friend
– extremely self-absorbed & only wants to talk about themself
– avoids getting close to others & won’t talk either about you or themself (nothing personal, just third-party topics)
– considers you as being insufferably self-absorbed, & knows if they ask about your life, you’ll talk their ear off

2) The Friend in your Group YOU can’t ever be Alone with
– because you’re jealous of each other, or are too similar, have too much rivalry, or are both alpha dogs / queen bees…..

3) The Non-Character-Breaking Friend you have to be “On” with
– they’re terrified of having a genuine interaction, so your friendship with them is always some kind of performance. They’re only capable of shallow communication, based on a facade

4) The Double-Obligated Friendship
– neither of you really want to spend time together – but won’t admit it, somehow believing you have to keep up the pretense (“don’t want to hurt their feelings”// better them than no one)

5) The Half “Marriage” Friendship
– it would be a marriage if only the other person weren’t very, very, extremely not interested in that happening….  It feels like one long, continuous rejection of you as a human being, but you stay, & wallow in longing

6) The Frenemy
– the one who roots very hard against you – just because you’re you…  usually someone you go way back with – & have or though you had – a very deep friendship, but the trouble probably started a long time ago (they’re envious, you have unspoken hurt feelings, one of you is holding a grudge….)

7) The Non-Parallel Life Paths Friendship
– early friends who seemed to be going in the same direction as you (under 30), but later some of them suddenly veered in a completely different life direction you couldn’t have imagined…. so can’t be as close as you used to be

8) The Historical Friend
– someone you met when you were little & stayed friends with through the years, even though you’re a very weird match…. often someone you absolutely would not be friends with if you met them today

9) The Facebook Celebrity Friend
– a rare Tier 3 friend or just an acquaintance, who you turned into a ‘deep connection’, but it’s all in your mind – since you’re not actually friends… like someone at work you’ve a ‘thing’ for, or someone on Facebook you’re following fanatically, but they have no idea of your obsessive attention

10) The Lopsided Friendship
– one can be higher on one friend’s mountain than the other
– one can want to spend more time with a friend than the other does
– one will consistently spend 90% of their time listening & only 10% of the time being listened to…..

URBAN concludes:  Not All Friendships Are Grim….
“No friendship is perfect, but those in Quadrant 1 are doing what they’re supposed to – making the lives of both parties better.
And when a friendship is both in Quadrant 1 and on Tier 1 of your mountain – they’re a rock to depend on” ….
SO:
✦ Figure out which ‘friends’ are NOT in Quadrant 1, & demote them down the mountain

✦ Since Tier 1 people are a comfort & a joy, dedicate more time to them

NEXT: False people