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SITE : “What is a Vicious Cycle….. ?”

POSTs : “Needs –  Human, Personality & Damaged”
√ Outgrowing Co-dependent ‘niceness‘    ///  Healthy Boundaries
√ Deserving vs RIGHTS     ///  Rights Questionnaire (1-48)

 

NOTE : Everything in this post is a review of all the basics topics written about on this blog, as well as other things you’ve read or heard. But these familiar issues have been pulled together here to focus on a tragic mind-f—k that ACAs are drowning in, always before recovery, often even during.

Def : NEED  – A psychological feature that arouses any organism (humans….) to move toward a goal, giving purpose & direction to their behavior.
❣️ NEEDS are normal, made up of all the elements required for developing a safe, stable & healthy life. Having an accurate & sufficient amount of them fulfilled is imperative,  ☁︎ since a deficiency will have severe consequences : dysfunctional life or premature death.

Q : What is the most basic truth about NEEDS? It’s so obvious that most people have never thought about it, just taking it for granted.
A : You can’t get rid of them!

Q: SO  –  what’s your point?
A : Well, as Maslow identified, our needs come in many layers : food, love, a job, friends, education, sex, respect, accomplishments ….

BUT ACAs got the message beaten into our brain – as it was developing all those chemical pathway connections from birth – that we are not supposed to even have needs! much less have them provided.  (Posts: “How the brain learns“)

REASONS: √ our parents weren’t nurtured, so they didn’t know how to pass it on to their children
√ therefore – our needs were too much for them to deal with, & they took their frustration out on us kids for needing them
√ and – their narcissism & various addictions (food, sex, drink, fear & rage….) consumed their life, so there was nothing left for us. Their only focus was on their “issues”.

RESULT: As adults, we don’t even seem to know what our core human requirements are.  What we mistakenly assume to be needs are more likely to actually be physical & psychological addictions, unattainable fantasies, impossible goals based on toxic rules, a need to be perfect, getting love from narcissists….

Co-dependence :  besides, what we think are our needs — are only what other people demand, need, want –  which we’re convinced we MUST support, help with or provide, even if we don’t want to, & no matter the cost to ourself !
❤️‍🔥 ACoAs’ ingrained belief that pursuing one’s own needs first (or at all) = is selfish, therefore bad, and will harm others! It’s true that narcs won’t like it if we do, but is actually the best form 0f Self-Care, the road to healing the Inner Child’s wounds.  (Post: review of Healthy Rules for ACAs)

🖤 Here is the vicious cycle of self-defeating efforts, vigorously pursued by all ACAs, but especially by the unhealed smart, actions-oriented ones.  It’s a Double Bind =
a. Make every effort to meet my needs, wishes, dreams met,
——— AND at the same time  ——-
b. Make sure I do not, so I can stay loyal to the family, culture & religion.
We’re compulsively  – but unconsciously – obeying toxic rules :
√ You have to always struggle but never get there
√ Don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t think
√ Other people’s need are more important than mine
√ If you don’t like it you have to stay      (MORE …..)
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RECOVERY:   Read, save & apply the 3 posts of  HEALTHY RULES  to break this vicious cycle. Also, see Overview .

Remember : Actively applying the RIGHTS to your life – slowly,  ODAT – is the way to get NEEDS MET.

NEXT : Comments – Aftereffect of abuse, #1