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SITEs: How to Tell if You Are Self Absorbed
General CHARACTERISTICS
As ACoAs, when young – we had no choice but to become enmeshed with our specific set of Difficult People, brainwashed into accepting their messages without objection and to ignore the damage it did to us. We were at their mercy, & rarely if ever did we get help to cope with them, or learn how to protect ourself in healthy ways.
So, it’s imperative to identify & acknowledge what & who we have to deal with, instead of questioning our observation of dysfunction, or denying them completely.
Difficult people (D.P.) are manipulative, controlling & bratty – with most people, most of the time – who function from defenses developed in response to their damaging background. Internally conflicted, their patterns are usually unconscious. Dedicated D.P. don’t like it when they can’t play out their shtick (pattern), or are called out on their negativity. When they don’t get what they want from one person or environment, they move on to the next innocent sucker.
a. They rarely have empathy for others, &
b. Are always angry OR always miserable
1. It’s all about them = Narcissistically opinionated, they always need to be the center of attention. Dramatic & fueled by reactions from others – their life is like a soap opera. Asking “How are you?” will open a can of worms, & a story can turn into a novel
2. They’re Victims = They’ve never gotten over childhood & marital trauma – stuck in the past, telling & re-telling stories of pain, failures & guilt. They’ll reel you in by using illnesses, family & tragedy – as a manipulation to make you feel sorry for them
3. They never do a favor without collecting = They’re always scheming to get something for nothing – self-serving, with no shame or compassion. If they do you a favor – you’re going to pay for it, big time. They’ll keep reminding you of what they did & what you owe, even though you’ve also helped them in the past. But admitting that you have -would not serve their interest
4. They’re oblivious = They have no idea what’s going on in reality – living in a world only they understand. They’re not dreamers & trailblazers, but rather in deep denial – undependable & irresponsible. They’re so vague it’s hard to have a serious conversation with them
5. They blame, gossip & whine = If they’re gossiping with you about others, they’ll do the same about you. They blame others for their troubles & whine to get attention. They complain about everyone – to you – but put on a big smile for the ones they just trashed. (modified from Adorablequotes4u.com)
They’re some combination of : • arrogant • disrespectful • negative • passive-aggressive • pot-stirring • selfish • unmotivated & lazy • disregarding common decency or rules • not responsible for their behavior
More SIGNS of a Toxic Person (the more of these, the more toxic)
NOTE – not all toxic people are obvious in how they treat others – like the bullies & tanks do. Some do it by withholding or being sneaky, but all have a harmful effect on others: Only what they think, feel & want matters . THEY :
• are critical, controlling & never consider anyone else’s (your) needs
• act like they’re fabulous & never make mistakes (perfect)
• dominate conversations, & leave no room for you 
THEY
• drag up your past & use it against you, & won’t let you be different from them
• leave you feeling guilty & ashamed about who you are
• leave you wounded = feeling battered, bruised & torn apart
THEY
• make fun of even the smallest actual or imagined flaw in you
• spread gloom, & keep disappointing you
• violate your boundaries, & never respect a ‘no
AND
• The angry ones don’t care about your feelings & like to see you suffer
• When you’re around them you have to walk on eggshells
• Nothing you say or do is ever good enough for them
• You end up ‘checking out’ &/or ignore your own values
NEXT: Difficult types #1
HEAL & GROW for ACoAs 