PREVIOUS: Procrastination #5
4. GOOD Stuff
5. BOTTOM Line (in #5)
6. FACING our INNER REACTIONS (cont)
• more anxiety, to the point of ulcers, migraines, auto-immune diseases, weight gain, depression….
• getting caught / ‘punished’ at work, by the IRS, angry family & friends…..
• adds to the S-H, so we stay in league with the PP
• lose out on more income, develop an illness, pay $$ penalties, lose a good opportunity….
• We expect that when we finally get something done that’s been weighing on us that we’ll feel relief – & sometimes we do.
✶ But more often – we just feel empty! Once the obsessing is gone we’re left with the hole in our gut. At that point ACoAs often think “Now what do I do?” Like when we have a day off with no plans, no one to take care of or obey (like a boss, parent, spouse…) we don’t know what to do with our free time! Very often we do nothing, and find something else to obsess about – like the fact that we’re wasting time!
Doing things in a timely & competent manner would MEAN:
a. Disobeying family rules, which enrages the PP, — AND
b. Showing us that we are actually capable (without having to be perfect), which enrages the WIC, because it would force us to give up the demand (& fantasy) of one day being taken care of by someone else – finally!
7. OUTGROWING Procrastination
a. INNER ACCEPTANCE
• admit our damage is behind the procrastination & make a diligent effort to find out what our issues are
• know the difference between what the WIC & PP want VS. what is good for us – using the “Unit” as guide
• deal with our double binds, fear of A. & fear of success
• be willing -to be willing!- to relinquish the demand that someone else take care of us, in place of ourselves
• OWN that we have always had abilities & skills (observational & intuitive, thinking & feeling…) which we were born with, even at our most dysfunctional, we just didn’t know how to use them correctly
b. OUTER ACTIONS
• find out what our realistic options are in any given situation, which means learning from others what’s possible in the world
• be able to ask for help when needed (information, emotional support, connections, referrals ….)
• be OK with getting praise & rewards, feeling successful, happy, empowered…..
➼ Know and be able to handle:
• making mistakes, without self-judgment or giving up
• emotional discomfort & disappointment
• that process takes time
• that not everyone will be supportive, but to keep looking for those who can & will
• making changes in our ‘style‘. Much of what we believe is our ‘personality‘ is our False Self
• that not everything works out, but that doesn’t mean we’ve done something wrong, or the universe is against us
• that if we’re ‘in the flow’, getting what we want comes in Higher Power’s good time
c. INVENTORY: Divide actions into those you:
• need to take (work, self-care, chores, obligations…)
• want to take (relaxing, playing, creating, dating…)
Identify what’s causing your resistance to pursuing each activity:
• the toxic beliefs (Ts)
• the painful emotions (Es) you’re avoiding, but not actually feeling
• Keep the lists of activities available to look at when you have free time. Pick one from each list & do at least something towards getting it done, even if you can’t finish! ✶ ACoAs are often afraid that if we don’t finish something in one sitting, we’ll never go back – which we’ve proven to be the case time & again. However, once we start cleaning out the damage, we don’t have to be a slave to that pattern.
d. REVIEW – Taking small steps toward any goal means to:
– Evaluate the outcome each time, taking notes
– BookEnd with the INNER child and trusted supporters
– Learn from any mistakes & make corrections
– Proceed to the next step
– Never give up. REST when needed
– Enjoy all successes, no matter how small!
NEXT: Procrastinators Anon TOOLS