PREVIOUS: RECOVERY IS & IS NOT #2
IS NOT...❖…‘letting go’ of all behavior & thought patterns quickly, or so completely that we’re permanently free of them. ALL expectation & demands for perfection or for any extreme (B & W thinking) – comes from damage, & a sure fire setup for self-hate!
IS...❧…accepting we’ll always have stuff to work on, ‘til our end – never being completely free of early patterns, ideas & wounds. Great improvements – YES! Completely cleaned out? NO.
Under stress it’s normal to regress to our earliest default settings. Even when our actions come mostly from the Healthy Adult, our emotions & thoughts can sometimes be from that familiar place of being a victim, from self-hate, fear, envy, impatience, greed… BUT – they don’t last as long, we know where they come from, can get support, & help the WIC with love & logic.
IS NOT… ❖…thinking that if only we were well enough we’d never get hurt, upset, over-react or feel crazy WHEN we’re with active, abusive, narcissistic, unavailable people
IS…❧…knowing that with healing we do become less devastated by hurtful behavior from others, because:
• cleaning out large chunks of our pain makes us less ‘touchy’
• we don’t take things so personally (that’s the kids’ narcissism).
Most things others DO / SAY have nothing to do with us – it’s usually their unhealthy parent (PP) or abused kid (WIC) who are expressing themselves
• our self-hate is diminished, so we’re not always trying to figure out what we did wrong or try to change the impossible
• our shame quotient is lower – because we know who we are, & provide for our needs (review “What is Shame”)
➼ At the same time, the healthier we are, the less we want to put up with abusive &/or unavailable people, no matter who they are. Being with them is definitely like talking to the wall. Nobody home. Bo-o-oring!
It just becomes unacceptable. Now we know we didn’t cause it, we don’t deserve it AND don’t have to stick around for it. YEAH!
IS NOT...❖…not about never hurting anyone else, ever again – as if Recovery implied attaining sainthood
IS…❧…knowing that taking care of ourselves (in non-narcissistic ways) instead of rescuing others, may make some people feel angry, scared, abandoned, resentful – & they may accuse us of being selfish, superior or cruel.
ONLY those who are still affected by raw abandonment pain, & unwilling to take responsibility for themselves – will react this way. It’s essential to remember we are not responsible for the emotional well-being of other adults. If we know we’re ‘clean‘ we can be compassionate, but stand firm in our choices.
IS NOT…❖…about fulfilling the expectations of a ‘life’ we hoped for as a kid or keep every promise we may have made to ourselves as adults – to compensate for & cope with the traumas we had to live through
IS…❧…having healthy goals & dreams, but knowing that:
• life can be thought of as an obstacle course, which takes work, practice & perseverance, but is doable
• it’s made up of a series of ups & down, changes & surprises, some of which are out of our control
• some of our attitudes, choices & goal will change in Recovery
• as we peel away the layers of the ‘False Self’ we come to our True, core identity. The needs & desires of the Healthy Child & Wise Adult are what we can honor.
Childhood decisions & beliefs may have been helpful then, but now choices need to be made in the service of our specific personality & growth, knowing they’ll often go counter to what’s familiar. Now ‘sane’ thoughts & actions will give us a fuller, happier life, not to satisfy our family.
➼ IN RECOVERY, we always want to keep the focus on expressing our highest self, for the greatest good.
NEXT: Request of my readers