having rights

ACoAs: Deserving vs Rights (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

ambivalence I’M ALLOWED, I’M NOT ALLOWED – if only I could be sure!

PREVIOUS: Deserving Vs. Rights (#1)
POST : “Not Enough Love?”


1. NOT Deserving
2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)
In many unhealthy families, kids got the message that we had to earn our parent’s love & approval – yet we never succeeded, because nothing we did was ever good enough for them. The ‘approval’ was conditional, AND was only tentatively given if the child completely submerged their own identity to conform to the alcoholic, narcissistic agenda of the family.

But no matter how hard we tired to please, we could never fully get what is every child’s birthright – just for being here!  This left us in a double bind & ultimately hopeless. This has kept us from developing genuine self-esteem, which can only come from being loved Unconditionally!

The resulting sense of unworthiness is so deeply ingrained in ACoAs that it prevents many of us from even imagining possibilities, much less allowing ourself to actively pursue normal goals, expressing our natural talents or following our dreams!

SHAME is the emotion (E) associated with any need we were NOT allowed to have, was made fun of, restricted or punished, & so became ashamed of having.
✳️ NEEDS are absolutely fundamental & normal human requirements – not arbitrary childish demands.
✅ WANTS are the ways we try to get those needs met.
SEE list of rights at Break the Cycle! & post “My Rights – Qs”  obey

ACoAs : As adults we – wrongly – believe we only can have things (sort of) if we follow the Toxic Rules.
 BUT obeying them leaves us convinced that TO:
• be loved – we have to eliminate our natural tendencies, please everyone else, not have needs, shut off many of our emotions, never object to other people abuse or selfishness…..
• get affection, attention / sex … we have to give in to whoever wants us – even when we can’t stand them, don’t want to do what someone else wants, lets others invade our boundaries, never object to abuse …..
• be respected &/or admired – we have to be perfect, out-achieve everyone else, have all the answers, ‘religiously’ follow our training …..

AND some ACoAs who are also not allowed to have their needs – become rebellious & try to grab everything they can. They’ll try anything to fill the ‘hole in our soul’ by vacuuming up as much as possible (attention, info, objects, power, variety…. ) = sexually promiscuous / over-eat / over-spend / over-learn / out-earn….
IRONICALLY – When ACoAs inherit money, we quickly squander it all because:
• we deeply believe we don’t deserve it (S-H), since we didn’t earn it (the PP voice)
• we’re emotionally & mentally immature – being run by the WIC
• have been so poor & deprived that we’re trying to make up for all our suffering
• feel guilty for having more than others, & our co-dependence tells us to give it away instead of valuing the gift & using it wisely

REALITY – being human is to be IMPERFECT.
Even so it means TO:
• be healthy, clear thinking, emotionally sane, sober
Jagel_Action-Reaction• have fun, relaxation, vacations, ‘veg time’
• object to all forms of mistreatment
• maintain our boundaries, & say ‘no!’….
• make mistakes, not know or be good at everything
• not have to rescue or people-please
• not like everything & even hate some things
• take care of our needs, be self-motivating

CONTRAST : Healthy parents teach & encourage these things & don’t demand / expect their children to earn them.
We did not receive that kind of nurturing, & only grudgingly given ‘love’ conditionally, if at all. Instead our family stated or implied  :
“Do what we want, be what we want – then we’ll let you live…..OR ELSE” (ARTICLE….)

 Healthy parents show LOVE when they:
– provide physical basics (food, shelter, clothes….)
– sometimes make sacrifices of their own needs, without guilting their children for it!
– make changes & adapt as needed because of the children & circumstances
– are willing to listen patiently, interested in kids’ lives
– teach them life skills & be good examples
– support child’s healthy interests & dreams, & be their biggest cheerleader, positive but realistic, always having the child’s best interest at heart.

NEXT: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 3)

Forming Boundaries – with OTHERS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

setting ;imitsIT’S UP to ME to SET MY LIMITS
it’s up to others to honor or ignore them

PREVIOUS: Bs with OTHERS (#1)

POST:   ‘ACoAs & Self-Esteem’

DEF : A boundary is a PMES space you put around yourself, & so do others for themselves

FORMING Boundaries (Bs) with OTHERS 
1. For OURSELF 

2. In Relation to OTHERS
a. Don’t punish others if they’ve forgotten your B. requirements. Consequences should be an inevitable outcome of the choices we each make. Outcomes (our reactions to them) may or may not feel like punishment to the B violator – depending on how intensely they’re still run by their WIC or PP.

• If you feel a strong urge to punish someone for ignoring your requests, it would be best to work on yourself before talking to them again. While they did indeed ‘stepped on your toes’, you may have let the violation go on too long, or else you’re making it too personal. NOT everything is about us!

★ Persistent B violators act like that with everyone, or anyone who will let them!  Do rage work in private, share about it in Al-Anon & therapy, pray for patience, & talk or write to your Inner Child.
Then remind the other person again, OR tell them they’ve crossed the line for the last time!

ii. Make a plan of action for when someone severely violates your Bs (& somebody will!) :
a. Tell them what you don’t like about their behavior – be specific. If you’ve already talked to them about it, refer back to those conversations
b. Ask they to stop immediately – when this is a possibility. If they don’t, then strongly insist
c. Ask for help from your support system when stressed, especially if you feel in danger
d. If there are no other options, walk away with as much dignity as possible, without sarcasm or nasty get-even comments.

💗 Thank anyone who honors your boundaries

REMINDERS
• You can not set Bs AND take care of someone else’s needs! They’re mutually exclusive

• When you feel angry, complaining, rageful, threatened, suffocated, victimized, whiny…..  it’s the pain of not having your Bs respected. These emotions are like flashing red lights telling you something’s wrong – something you don’t like, can’t stand or hate. It means you have to say or change something

• Talk to a Violator from your ADULT ego state,
— since you will inevitably get frustrated & annoyed with someone you love & don’t want to leave, who’s being a pain in the neck
— you may need to express your anger, to get past your resistance to speaking up. Anger makes us feel less vulnerable when we’re afraid —
— AND there are people who will only pay attention when you get ‘heavy’, but getting Adult-angry is not the same as being nasty (from the WIC or PP)

✶ Avoid justifying yourself, apologizing for or rationalizing your needs – because it’ll sound like you don’t believe what you’re saying – so Violators won’t take you seriously either.
Say very little, OR offer a brief explanation – if appropriate & you feel ok doing it. It’s hard to be genuinely intimate with someone if you don’t tell them what’s bothering or hurting you

• At first you may feel afraid, ashamed or guilty when setting a Bs, so it’s it easier to let it slide.
— Do it anyway, the next time you’re with them – because it’s our job to let others know, & some don’t realize they’re trespassing
— Also, people don’t respect someone they can use, manipulate or control, even though they’ll try to get away with itangry at Bs

• Be prepared for anger, attacks, denial, opposition, resistance. Violators don’t like being reined in.
Don’t let their reactions make you doubt your rights! They’re just having a 2-yr olds’ tantrum when they don’t get their way. You have to be ready to enforce your needs, otherwise people will simply ignore you.

• The main prerequisite for good boundary setting is believing you have a right to them! When you’re sure, it will be clear to others even when you don’t say anything, AND fewer B-invaders will show up in your life

• ALSO: make a list of 5-10 ways you violate other people’s Bs. (ACoAs violating Bs) Work on correcting them.  You’ll  feel better about yourself!

NEXT: “What other think of me….”