discomfort

ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

uncomfortable brainI HATE HAVING TO
wait for results!

PREVIOUS:
Dis-comfort & Comfort #2b

<—- CHART 

SITEs: How to Practice Being Comfortable in Uncomfortable Situations
— 3 Rules for uncomfortable conversations  (excellent) 

QUOTE: “Growth & comfort do not exist” ˜Ginny Rometty, CEO of IBM (Article)

1. Negative Comfort ➖➕
2. Negative Dis-comfort ➖➖pos-disc

3. POSITIVE DIS-COMFORT ➕➖
Trying out new healthy thinking & actions make us feel anywhere from uncomfortable to highly anxious. It means disobeying each toxic rule, going against our training, dropping off of the family mobile, & bottom line : forcing the brain to find new pathways of functioning.

Too much prolonged stress causes physical ailments & psychological paralysis. That’s why we need to go slowly. Work on whatever issues you can tackle at the moment – ones that are the least scary. As you grow you’ll gain the emotional strength & mental clarity to tackle deeper one – like really ‘getting’ how much damage you have – without S-H or overwhelm, letting go of unsafe family, friends. jobs, locations……

For ACoAs, Growth means leaving behind our unhappy childhood to take our rightful place in the world – living in our True Self.
This is very uncomfortable because our family discouraged & punish any effort to exert ourselves – for ourself. And since personal growth is a slow process. we often live in uncertainty & confusion – between what we’ve always thought & felt, & what we aspire to become. In-between states are always uncomfortable & sometimes scary, but as we keep going we do see positive changes that encourage us. “Easy does it, but do it” (MORE...)

PROCESS  (See post)
☛ Get started. This is often our biggest difficulty – putting things off that we actually want to do! as well as those we dread or find too tedious to bear, for all the reasons listed in previous posts (procrastination).  What’s ironic & sad (for ourself) is that most of the time when we finally take the action it’s not such a big deal, doesn’t take as long as we thought, & we usually like the result – or at least are relieved. (see posts re. Action)leaving-home

☛ Don’t Quit. Some of us are over-responsible, over-doers…. & others of us just obsess about doing, but rarely pull the trigger. Then there are the in-betweeners – those of us who start things but never seem to get around to continuing (keep going to the gym, stick to a food regimen, attend meetings….) or finishing  projects. (See posts “Manipulating – 2b & 2c”). The WIC & the PP get in the way of going for the gold, so we let ourselves get distracted.
The 3 As are useful here:
1. Become Aware of what’s really stopping you from pursuing a positive goal. It will always be something from our earliest training & experiences.

2. Be in Acceptance – allow yourself any emotions the awareness brings up. Don’t try to fix or change deep-seated patterns by brute force (control, S-H, “forcing solutions“). Continue using all the tools of Recovery programs & remember that re-forming your brain takes time & persistence.

3. Take Actions. Give yourself credit for the actions you are already taking. Don’t fret about what you can’t DO yet.  If you’re confused about what to do, make a list of the things you used to be interested in &/or still are. Look up what’s available in classes, groups… that can get you started. Some (useful) action is better than none.
If you’re stuck for ideas, talk it over with safe people who know you & can give you suggestion.
Then follow thru. You don’t have to know what the end goal is & you don’t have to like the choice you’ve made – it’s won’t be a life changing mistake – only more info about who you are.

There’s no doubt that all forms of growth (personal, professional…) take courage – which means taking actions in the face of our fear. Courage is not needed if we’re not afraid, but we can’t wait until we’re not afraid to try new things. (⬅️ CHART)

 NEXT: Dis-comfort & Comfort #3b

ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, astrology, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

minor discomfortI’M DEFINITELY DETERMINED
to ignore my discomfort!

PREVIOUS: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 1)

SITE:  Fill-In Qs – Identify your stressors


OVERVIEW
“Do What’s Comfortable” is one of the many helpful & profound phrases in Al-Anon. This is a useful suggestion, especially as ACoAs tend to live in perpetual dis-comfort (in the “wreckage of the future or in the misery of the past), subjecting ourselves to almost constant physical anxiety & the endless rumination of self-defeating ‘mantras’ (S-H), sometimes called ‘spinning’.

HOWEVER, we are so used to being uncomfortable that we barely notice, thinking it’s ‘normal’, AND believe we have no other option. So this phrase is incomplete, since ACoAs stick to what we know – no matter how bad – & avoid better/healthier/safer things – as we cling to our abusive family (refuse to S & I), & don’t have to risk being disappointed – yet again!

SOME stress in life is not only inevitable, but also needed in order to gently push us to take actions & grow. As the bell curve shows, there’s the calm state, which is good, & the ‘beneficial’ Eustress, to keep up us alert, motivated & on our toes.
But ACoAs typically live in the far right – in various intensities of distress.

Too much stress tends to paralyze. While there are plenty of external situations in life which can be aggravating, & many things we are truly powerless over, this topic focuses mainly on how we experience & categorize Comfort & Discomfort, negative & positive .

Originally, our harmful life patterns were learned grown up, which we had little or no control over. Now we keep using them :
— because they’re deeply ingrained , & obey family rules
— to avoid deeper painful realizations, anxiety & accumulated terror
— from the belief that we don’t know any better or can’t possibly change.
Still hanging on to them actually comes from the mistaken belief that the way we’ve always thought, felt & acted (T.E.A.) is our actual personality, & therefore no changes can be expected or even attempted. This belief persists even in ‘recovery’ !!

IN REALITY – all ongoing negative behaviors (character defects) are expressions of our False Self, developed in childhood in response to the abuse & neglect of our family & other harmful environments (baby sitters, neighborhood, school, ‘church’….). Therefore, the main goal of Recovery is to shed as much of this made-up persona as possible, in order to uncover, own & live in the REAL Self we were born into before the damage.

To understand why.  read or review posts “Negative benefits of.…”), info about how the brain learns, and “CDs — Info & the brain“.
What we experienced from birth on is what makes the most sense to our ‘computer’,  which will fight tooth & nail to keep from having to change – as if we’re asking it to destroy itself!
Remember HAL 9000, in the “2001 – A Space Odyssey” movie?

Changing our programming will create great anxiety – at first. So for some time in our efforts to heal & grow it will genuinely feel more comfortable (a great relief) to go back to doing things the old way – no matter how ‘sick’. Unfortunately. But with persistent repetitions of new thinking & actions, that terror will lessen a great deal.

IRONY: Identifying these dysfunctions as ‘comfortable’, just because they feel ‘natural’, doesn’t mean they promote happiness & calm. While some ACoAs are in such deep denial that these patterns may seem like minor disturbances – from being numb to their long-term consequences – they in fact create endless stress, anxiety, shame, self-hate, frustration, physical & mental illness…. in all of us, whether acknowledged or not.social anxiety

Also, it may seem counter-intuitive that these damaging patterns would be considered comfortable, but it’s because the brain considers them valid, having learned them in childhood & then constantly reinforced in unhealthy environments.

NOTE: in Part 2 – Many of the items on the “Negative Comfort” list also fall into the more severe category of Negative Discomfort (like self-injury, bad relationships, lack of self-care….)

NEXT: Negative Discomfort – #2