IF I DON’T INSIST
no one will pay attention!

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SITEs:
 Why is it so important to be right? 

QUOTEs: “Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not – puts us in a rage.”~ Andre Maurois
🔎 “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”   Isaac Asimov

What does ‘BEING RIGHT’ (BR) mean?
a. OK : Generally refers to having accurate information, knowing the right way to do something, or being sure of who we are, what we want, how we feel… It can be about:
• Assertiveness: being accurately sure about a subject or a person (“I know what I know”) & not afraid to stand by it
• Justice: fighting for what is just & right, especially in the face of opposition, but not for personal gain or to feed one’s ego
OR
b. NOT OK : Trying to force others to see our point of view & see the world exactly the way we do. It can be from:
• Narcissism: needing others to agree with us (“I’m right & you’re not”), in order to preserve the False Persona we’ve carefully crafted to cover up feeling insecure & vulnerable
• Symbiosis: the need/demand that others are just like us (“agree with me”) in order to not feel alone & abandoned
🚫 BOTH are being out of touch with one’s True Self

SO – it’s important to know when it’s legitimate to be right or not
Al-Anon tells us to ask ourselves “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” It’s a choice between getting our way (at any cost) OR having peaceful encounters with others.
This Q. is addressed to those of us who are co-dependents & addicts, since it would be a rare issue for healthy people. We can also say that Right and Happy are really not opposite ends of a spectrum. Instead it’s about the right/freedom of others to have their own point of view, AND being OK/safe with their right/freedom.

● The Q. comes up when we are having a disagreement with someone & feel an internal pressure (from the PP or the WIC) to get them to do something our way, to understand our point or to agree with our opinion – in order to feel connected. This can only happen if we still have a great deal of unresolved abandonment fear. Remembering the co-dep Triangle (Rescuer-Victim-Persecutor), even victims can become bullies when terrified & desperate to not feel but off.

● It’s a tricky Q. for us to answer because:
💌 some of us go along with whatever others say just to ‘keep the peace’ but really it’s to not have the other person be angry or leave us
💌 some of us never agree with anyone for fear of being swallowed up & disappear (used as a false boundary), while –
💌 others can manage disagreements in some situations (casual friends, co-workers….) but not in others, as when deeply attached to a person or position (lover, job…), then our WIC desperately feels it needs to go along with ‘whatever.

The Brain Is Hooked on Being Right
In situations of high stress, fear or distrust – like being wrong, ignored or laughed at – our brain chemistry (cortisol….) makes ‘decisions’ about how best to protect itself. We default to 1 of 4 F responses:
• fight – keep arguing the point, which is the hardest on relationships, & unfortunately the most common
• flight – revert to or hide behind group consensus
• freeze – mentally disengage, or shut up
• fawn – appease, ‘make nice’ by simply agreeing

The Fight reaction is partly due to other neuro-chemicals. When we argue & win, our brain floods with adrenaline & dopamine, making us feel good, dominant, even invincible. It’s understandable that we’d want to repeat those feelings. So the next time we’re in a tense situation, we fight again, & over time will get addicted to being ‘right’.
BUT if we’re getting high from being one-up, then the other person / group is one-down & therefore diminished.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 2)