acoa irony

ACoAs – OVER-Trusting (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

being conned THE WORLD IS ONLY SAFE –  if I pretend to not notice the bad stuff!

PREVIOUS: Trusting #2

SITE: 10 Warning Signs of being too trusting

QUOTE: “Never trust anyone completely but God.” ~ Lawrence Welk

OVER-Trusting  (OT) – as ADULTS
DEF: Ignoring information you already know about a person or situation (or a potential one you’ve been told about) that screams:  “I’m NOT safe. I’ll get you as often as I can. Don’t trust me” AND that everyone else – except you – can see!

📌 A therapist suggested to a client why she needed to be more discerning & less trusting:  “Some people you don’t let in the bedroom, some people you don’t let into the living room, & some you don’t let in the front door!”

🔷 WRONG reasons for trusting:
• Impulsiveness : chasing something or someone the WIC very badly wants, putting all our inappropriate hope & trust in how it will turn out (the way we ne-e-ed it to), without admitting what we know, & not considering the consequences – including thinking through possible danger to ourself or others

• Masochism : We tend to search out confirmation of prior expectations. ACoAs expect abandonment.
For abuse survivors with little or no Recovery – reinforcing the pain of unjustified hope & unfulfilled trust (PMES abandonment) is often chosen over safety & pleasure.
We repeatedly trust the wrong people, guaranteeing disappointment, by fulfilling our self-destructing assumption – that there are no positive outcomes for us.

• Risk-taking : Being desperate, or as an adrenaline junkie, we pursuimpulsivee a situation or person even knowing that the danger of going ahead is great (re. love, money sports….).
If we subjectively think the possible gains far outweigh any possible loss (coming from the WIC), we’re willing to take the gamble, sometimes even with our life.

All of us ACoAs experienced years of trauma in childhood – at home, at school & in our neighborhoods.  We were deeply scarred by those experiences, but each of us handled it in our own way, depending on our basic personality AND our Toxic Family Roles.abuse / fantasy
Those wounds were beyond anything we could bear, so we developed our own defensive posture:
• some have become overtly tough, angry, bitter
• others hide away from everyone
• some try to rescue & fix others to feel safe
• others escaped into a world of fantasy & have stayed lost, needing to see everyone thru rose-colored glasses!

THIS last defense mechanism is a thick blanket of vagueness to soothe the ache in our heart, BUT it makes us endlessly vulnerable to emotional, mental & physical vultures who can smell our ‘out-to-lunchness’ a mile away!

ACoA IRONY : Regardless of which protective style we act out, we’re trapped in another dilemma. Trying to mask how afraid we really are of everyone underneath, some of us carelessly trust everyone, especially the most damaging people! It’s so automatic we don’t even realize we’re being too credulous because we need it as a safety blanket, & because it’s passive.

EXP: Josie hears a new acquaintance say she has trouble with friendships – they usually end in serious disagreements. Josie is starving for companionship & overlooks this vital information. Unconsciously her WIC is thinking: “She wouldn’t do that to little ole’ meeee – I’d never hurt her or make her feel bad, I care too much, I’m so sweet…..”

Yet, sure enough, at some point Josie says or does the ‘wrong thing’ & the friend gets mad at her – attacking, accusing, withdrawing ….. Josie is shocked, then hurt, confused & of course blames herself for the problem (as if this outcome wasn’t totally predictable!)

We excuse our blindness by saying:blind-see
• I’m just trying to be a good person, I’ll give them another chance
• it’s wrong to judge others, & besides – they’re trying
• ‘they’ don’t mean to hurt me / can’t help how they are
• you don’t know their ‘good’ side, their good qualities
• …but they say they love me, give me money, ne-e-ed me
• I can’t make it without them
• & it’s my fault anyway, I deserve how they treat me  …

NEXT: Over-Trusting (Part 2)

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-06-29 at 1.32.01 AMI CAN ALWAYS THINK of WHAT to SAY – after they walk away!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions  (#1)

 

REMINDER: What they never told us was that 💗 it’s not intrinsically bad to have Emotions

WHY DO WE HATE having emotions so-o-o much? 
• we expect to be made fun of, ignored or physically punished for expressing them (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”)
• we were taught that Es are unacceptable (either specific ones or all), & we want to be ‘good’, obeying family rules as a sign of loyalty & love

• some ACoAs want to stay connected to a particular parent by copying their resistance or inability to feel
• others are determined to be the exact opposite of a dramatic or emotionally out-of-control parent

• we were never taught healthy ways to identify & deal with Es when they surfaced, so we’re convinced they’ll ‘drown’ us

• Unfortunately our culture reinforces the ‘don’t feel’ rule by telling us that:  — Es are not ‘rational’, so they can’t be relied on to tell us anything real or useful
— it’s not sophisticated, strong or admirable to be ‘emotional’ (to cry or get too upset, no matter how terrible the situation!)

• MOST of ALL – as kids we were never comforted when scared & hurt, & having no way to process our Es, over the years they accumulated in our unconscious, & now we’re terrified of opening ‘Pandora’s Box’

a. DELAYED Reactions
ACoAs are notoriously slow to catch on to how we feel emotionally – having a delayed reaction to all kinds of encounters & events, pleasurable or not. We may not realize them for a few days, weeks, even years! We do have emotions about most things, but we:too many Es
• learned early in life to deny them
• became so numb we don’t consciously know what they are
• have such negative beliefs about actually having Es
• are afraid to feel too much, because the WIC thinks it’ll kill us (or the ‘sensitive one in the family)
• never learned how to deal with uncomfortable or unacceptable Es

b. OVER / UNDER -Reactions
ACoAs IRONY: On the one hand we’re shut down, especially on those terrifying childhood Es. On the other hand we have intense emotional reactions (a melt down, blow up, fall apart, get suicidal…), to what people say or how they act to or around us.

These 2 extremes are inextricably linked:
• the more we have to sit on ALL painful Es, the more they get backed up & then Vesuvius blows
• since we’re not allowed to actually have Es, we can’t admit to having them (too ashamed), so we can’t really feel them. Then HOW can we possibly process the pain, anger, sadness, loneliness, terror….? to get them out, sharing them, get comfort & understanding???

REVIEW:
 We hate being told we’re being too dramatic about something others think is minor or trivial, because we think that means:
• we don’t have a right to be upset
• we caused our own problem, & so deserve to be punished, belittled, not respected
• that the hurtful person or situation is being let off the hook,  so we’ll never get fairness or revenge!
NONE of those are the case.  Since “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”, whenever our Es are out of proportion to an unpleasant current event, all we need to do is admit an unhealed wound is being triggered.

About Over-reacting (cont):
• Intense Es comes from the WIC, who thinks we’re still powerless to stop being controlled & abused
• Getting so upset by other people’s words & deeds means we’re still taking things personally

• It’s a clear indicator that a specific button is being pushed in us. This is useful info to cut thru denial & help with growth.
🙀 Intense emotions are the only proof we need about the abuse.
Knowing this – we can use the awareness to validate the kid’s pain, as we get another glimpse into past suffering, & stop blaming ourself for feeling loneliness & grief.

NEXT: ACoAs & Es (Part 3)