PREVIOUS : 27  defects

 

Standard DEFs : Re-living a persistent sense of ill-will & suppressed anger (obsessions) – a blend of anger, bitterness, disgust, disappointment & disapproval – toward the person or events that led to your attitude.  The focus is on injustice, injury, insult, offense…. done to yourself (or to a loved one ?) – when you think “that’s not fair!”

✅  IMPORTANT Distinction  ✅
Actually — resentment is NOT the emotion of anger itself.
It IS made up of the thoughts (mental obsessions) about the real or imagined events that cause the anger. (“He / she keeps making fun of my ideas….. ignoring me….. breaking promises…..”)

★ Resentment is the inevitable end result of Co-dependent People-pleasing. (Posts: C…. & the False Self. …. & Anger…… & Roles….. )
It’s caused by the unresolved conflict between: “I have to  do or be who YOU want, vs. what I need & want – but am never allowed to ask for & get.
Toxic Rule : “Other people’s needs/ wants are always more important than mine.” (Many Posts : Secretly angry nice people)

💔  Negative Benefits
a. Staying in Resentment is a way of distancing yourself from the physical energy of anger, which most ACAs are afraid of letting themself feel. So, instead – we keep ruminating over the way someone or something has “done a number on me”, never actually getting to the combination of emotions that are legitimately underneath (anger, hurt, fear, frustration….).

b. You can secretly feel superior & justify your ‘position’ about what’s “right!!” (I’m talking the high road’) regardless of what’s currently real or possible. Maybe you’re waiting for the other person to realize what they did “wrong” to fix it, and apologize.

OR – hanging on is still wanting the perpetrator to be punished. Letting Go would feel like you’ve “lost”, letting the person off the hook, an admission that your emotional investment in this long-held feeling was a waste of your time & energy.

c. You don’t have to disobey the Toxic Rule of “never being angry at the abusers”. That prevents you from having guilt whenever we go against the family system (actual people who will disapprove, &/ or from your deeply ingrained Introject, the bad parent voice.
SO you can quietly justify holding a grudge, warming your heart!

d. You don’t have to actually feel the rage in your body, accumulated over months or years. The inner terror is that either you’d lose all control & injure or kill the ‘perp’ (which you secretly want) ,
AND / OR you’ll become aware of feeling so-o-o vulnerable (small, weak…. ) so you’ll completely withdraw & wish you were dead.

e. You can hang on to your self-hate which blames you for anything that goes wrong or that causes you to hurt (sad, scared, hopeless…).
That way you can keep the illusion that since you caused the problem (rarely the truth) then you can & should be able to fix it – to stop the pain.  (Serenity Prayer backwards) .

f. It reinforces the Fear of Abandonment – letting you think that you’re keeping safe (from authority figures, from everyone else’s anger) – by not being genuinely visible.
The Wounded Child’s belief is that “If I keep the obsession going (resentment inside your head) no-one will know how selfish / bad / stupid I really am”. Toxic rules say we must never speak our truth nor stand up for ourself.

g. You don’t have to grow up  (I don’ wanna!!) to become a separate being (Individuation).  You’d rather stay psychologically weak & emotionally dependent, never having to say what upsets you, what you need, think or feel, waiting for someone – anyone – to come along & take care of you.

SOURCES
🫩 Accused wrongly, not being heard,  treated unfairly/ unjustly, taken advantage of, your opinions or ideas regularly put down

🧎🏽‍♂️‍➡️Past hurts: Lingering painful feelings from real experiences, in childhood, in bad marriage, by the legal system….  Systemic or historic injustices, such as racism or discrimination

💪🏽 Power imbalances: Someone who actually has more power & control in a situation or over yourself – which you can’t escape.
OR persistently having to deal with people who undermine your authority. Also – someone stealing your work or ideas.

😳 Unrealistic expectations of others that are not met (usually unspoken /assumed)
ALSO realistic ones, based on an ongoing relationship, &/or on promises made but unfulfilled.

NEXT : Resentments – Signs, #2