QUOTE: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them – the first time.” Maya Angelou
GP = Genuine Person
FP = Fake Person
NOTE: Fake people can fall into 2 broad categories:
a. The mean, selfish narcissists who are good at pretending to be friendly & interested in others, but are really angry, manipulative & (indirectly) controlling, sure they know what they’re doing.
b. The self-hating, fearful, depressed, needy co-dependents who don’t know who they are, desperate to avoid abandonment in any form, who try to feel OK by attaching themselves to Real people.
GPs can express their opinions & feelings clearly, so when they have a problem with you, they’ll talk about it directly. They’re ‘adult’ enough to deal with an issue respectfully, hoping a positive conversation will resolve it.
GPs think about the best way to deal with a dispute or hard feelings. They know that sometimes waiting a while before saying anything it better, & sometimes letting go is best.
FPs are cowards when it comes to speaking up. They confuse self-assertion with confrontation (angry communication) – assuming assertion & processing out an issue is the same as attacking the other person.
This is because most of the the time they are angry & don’t know how to deal with it correctly. Instead, they’ll smile when they see you, but complain about you to anyone else who’ll listen. When you’re back is turned you become the enemy, so they gossip, venting their frustration & annoyance by triangulating.
✦ No Ulterior Motives
GPs are honestly nice & helpful – because it makes them feel good to make others happy & safe. They don’t ne-e-ed recognition or praise, but do enjoy a thank-you. They don’t play games or have hidden motives. They consider the effect of their behavior on others – without losing their own identity.
Their relationships aren’t based on using others to get something for themselves. If they spend time with someone it’s because they genuinely want to, & are interested in them as a person. Whenever possible – within boundaries & reality – they’ll be available even when there’s nothing practical or material to be gained by it. EXP: they’ll reach out randomly to say Hi, or check on someone’s who’s having hard time – because they care.
vs. Ulterior Motives
FPs have that a “I’ll scratch your back IF you scratch mine” attitude. Usually they’re only nice when they want something. If they help, they expect a return, but if they sense there’s no reciprocation, they can’t be bothered.
▸ FPs always think about how they can be happy by using others. The carefully choose who to respect & when, based on what the other person can do for their image & personal gratification. They’re only nice when it suits them, since they only care about their own satisfaction. If others can help them or have something they want, they’ll be ‘your best friend’, but when the person has fulfilled their purpose, the FP will be gone without a trace.
✦ Cleaning Up Messes
GPs take care of their own messes, which are relatively rare. However, being thoughtful & generous, they may end up compensating for or cleaning up after a dysfunctional person they care about, whether physically or emotionally. But being healthy, GPs also have a limit. When someone persists in being irresponsible or has gone too far, GPs with back off or back out altogether. (Cartoon)
vs. Making Messes
Many FP are selfish, immature users. They try to get away with as much as possible, taking advantage of anyone who’s willing to rescue them.
EXP: They may ask for one thing which the helper agrees to, & then spring on them a sting of other “requests” (expectations / demands) added on to the first – at theist minute, when it’s too late to change the situation.
And, some FPs are perverse enough that they’ll make messes even worse on purpose.
NEXT: Real FRIENDS