I MAKE SURE
they take care of me!

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CHARACTERISTICS

OVERTLY hostile people live by the motto :  “To survive I must fight with anger”
Co-Dep people-pleasers think : “To survive I must placate everyone”
P-As think : “To survive I must attack everyone from behind”

COVERTLY Angry people
❥ are finely tuned to everyone else’s needs but their own
❥ spent all their time trying to read everyone’s mind so they can provide whatever someone supposedly needs, even before they know it themself
❥ hide their abandonment anger behind ‘killing you with kindness’

b. Passive-Aggressives
➤ spend a lot of time obsessing about how they’ve been wronged in ways that caused them emotional & physical pain. SO —
➤ put all their effort into making sure other people don’t get what they want – either – instead of striving for what would make themself happy.

P-A SYMPTOMS
Behavior – YOU :
• are indecisive, drag your feet to frustrate others
• are erratic & unpredictable, causing confusion, frustration & aggravation
• are accident-prone  (BOOK:”My Mother/ My Self”, Nancy Friday: constantly bumping into things, from rage)
• are inefficient on purpose, sabotaging projects in small ‘innocent’ ways
• get financially supported – use partner as your bank, never pay for anything
• ‘innocently’ make messes – anywhere, everywhere – refuse to clean up after yourself
• make a few blatant serious mistakes in otherwise meticulous work

• manipulate, like to provoke others to anger or aggressive behavior, & then patronize them, alternate between hostile defiance & contrition
• offer food, drink, a drug…. that you know the other person is allergic to or trying to quit
• often lose things, leave things behind (in subways, stores, movies….)
• refuse to ‘lend a hand’ when it would be easy for you to do
• resist doing what anyone else wants, even if you can or are interested in doing it
• stubborn, with an intense resistance to newness or any variation in an established process
• take all for yourself, throw out or give away things that belong to another – without asking permission (stealing)
• usually late, never quite committed to anything, whether work or personal

Communication – YOU :
• always need to prove you’re right in a disagreement
• blame others for making you do things you don’t want to do
• constantly complain about personal misfortunes, & exaggerate difficulties
• give a secret enemy the silent treatment, phony smiles, looking cool & unconcerned…. while stockpiling resentments
• give subtle insults (back-handed compliments) based on someone’s weakness

• keep others from accomplishing their plans, make people wait to hear from you about invitations
• like to stir up trouble, lie to make yourself look good & others look bad
• make endless promises to change, but never do
• make convoluted statements, leave important info out, have poor eye contact
• nit-pick,  continually correct others, withhold praise someone deserves, make people wait for their evaluation
• often say you’ll do something you don’t really want to, & then back out at the last minute – with lame excuses
• say others are unreasonable & unsympathetic when you don’t perform tasks up to par
• tell jokes that make others look bad or are inappropriate for the occasion or audience, disguise anger with teasing

Relationships – YOU :
• are ambivalent & indecisive, following the lead of every one else but yourself
• break a promise of confidentiality (3rd party gossip)
• cut people off without explanation, burning bridges
• constantly on your cell when you’re with someone else (‘phubbing)
• envy & are resentful of peers who succeed or who are viewed positively by authority figures
• ‘forget’ to follow thru promises made to others
• get very real secondary pleasure out of frustrating others
• re. Infidelity – either gender – extramarital affairs or promiscuity, phone/ internet sex
• inappropriately invite or bring others along to a one-to-one dinner, event, trip…..  without warning or asking the other person ahead of time if it’s acceptable
• keep innocuous secrets from mate, prefer to lie about little things
• Men –  refuse to provide your mate’s sexual desires/ needs
,  refuse to ejaculate to show you’re in control, lack of sexual interest, may resort to physical aggression

• pay more attention to other people (stranger, attractive ‘other’, an acquaintances….) that to your date/mate
• pick mates who will take care of you, allow you to manipulate
• string someone along but refuse to commit
• sulk when you don’t get your way
• talk too much about or brag about previous relationships
• prolong any annoyance or disagreement unnecessarily
• use new mate only as a replacement for previous or deceased one
• usually oppose other people’s plans – to be in control

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