play

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

A HAPPY CHILDHOOD
includes having fun

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Playing (#1)

SITES: Fostering Creativity

QUOTES: ✦“It is a happy talent to know how to play.”   ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

✦ “A lot of people say a lot things about creativity – what it is, how to enhance it, what it means….. Creativity is just play, and love”  ~ Kent Parkstreet (blogger…)

💠EXPANDED Def
a. PLAY (in general) (Part 1)

b. FUN: It is playful, often noisy activity which diverts, amuses or stimulates. Anything that is a source of enjoyment & pleasure
• IMP: this def. only refers to positive situations, rather than abusive ones such as ‘making fun of’ someone / ‘having fun at their expense’…../ or excited, violent activity ‘She insulted him & then the fun began’

• In these posts the two terms (Play / Fun) are used interchangeably. The key word in both is activity – behaviors we choose to do – because we like** them. However, while play is indeed an action – even verbal play (poetry, exchanging puns & jokes, lively discussions about favorite topics…),  fun can be either active or passive. We can have fun sitting in a comedy club or quietly on the beach. Play is more participatory, although it doesn’t always need others for it to be ‘legitimate’

These definitions raise several issues for ACoAs
When asked ** “What do you like?” too often the answer is “I don’t know”.
To an observer this can be confusing because, looking at our behavior, they see many of us as functioning & accomplished people, which is not how we think of ourselves.

In spite of childhood trauma, ACoAs have done things as adults – & some as far back as childhood – which we did like, even enjoyed. It could be anything :
• Artistic – acting, singing, designing …
• Sporty – acting, dancing, bike riding, hiking, baseball….
• Physical things – going to an amusement park, traveling, having sex…..

So why do ACoAs say we don’t know what we like?
It’s a response from our WIC, who is still ‘living in the past’ & still doesn’t have a clue – or more accurately is not allowed to “Know what I know”. Because of the family’s narcissism & addictions we didn’t get mirrored** correctly, or at all.
**Mirroring (most effective when given to small children, but can be provided at any age), is what we call ‘being seen’ – literally echoed.
It’s when someone outside of us is able to freely, accurately see who we are & then feed it back —
◇ without any mental or verbal distortion
◇ without adding their opinion, taste or bias
◇ without their need for us to be a certain way…..
…. just reflecting back to us who we are, the way we express ourselves, the way we see the world, the way we think, feel or do things

If this had been done for us when we were kids, we’d KNOW how are, & therefore have a lot less anxiety. Healthy PLAY is only possible with a minimum of background anxiety!

PLAY & TOXIC ROLES
Regarding down-time, each child was affected by & reacted to the family’s dysfunction in their own way, but it also lent a particular intensity to the ROLES we developed:
🔻 The HERO had to be ‘on’ all the time, being the serious adult right from the beginning of life, so not a lot of room for relaxing

tease🔻 For the SCAPEGOAT, ‘fun’ (for them) was hurting & humiliating (others) – in the guise of teasing “Just kidding !!”- verbal insults & arguing used to belittle, & pranks or games that could be dangerous

🔻 The LOST CHILD, often an Introvert by nature but not exclusively – stayed in the background, escaping, hiding, withdrew into daydreaming, reading, arts…. – their version of fun

🔻 Even the MASCOT, being cute & funny to keep everyone else’s spirits up, but at the cost of denying their fears. Their playfulness came from pain rather than joy, often tinged with sarcasm & meanness.

NEXT: ACoAs & PLAY-ing (Part 3)

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

having fun 1
HAVE FUN?
What’s that?

PREVIOUS: Inner Child Speaks, #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


QUOTES:
✦“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”  ∼ Plato
✦ “A little nonsense now & then is cherished by the wisest men.”  ∼ Roald Dahl (children’s books Author)
✦ “Play is the royal road to childhood happiness & adult brilliance.” ∼ Joseph Chiltern Pearce  (child-development books Author)

💠 DEFINITION
Play – with a capital P – is a process, not a specific thing, which lights up our brain, benefiting us in PMES ways (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual). Being a ‘whole’ person means developing a balance between being serious & having fun, but ACoAs tend to live in one extreme or the other, being over-responsible or under-responsible.

In general, it’s any activity someone voluntarily chooses to do (or for ACoAs to not do) because it’s fun, relaxing & enjoyable. It can include being creative, & sometimes even competitive – but without the need to win – otherwise it stops being Play.  Debbie Mandel, Stress Management expert suggests that F-U-N = Feeling Uninhibited Naturally. And a formula for ‘balance’ is: Concentrated Energy + Relaxation = Healthy living.
 
🔆 The purpose & spirit of Play does not require any practical, concrete outcome. It’s not supposed to generate something you can ‘show for it’. It’s a state of being rather than doing.

🔆 However, we can have a hobby that we really love – something creative or a sport, which does includes performing, making or winning something. We may or may not be good at it. The value is not mainly the end product, but the process, which is supposed to be pleasurable & satisfying – suited to our True Self & feeding a part of our soul

🔆 Also, many of us have heard or read about people who say they love their work so much it feels more like playing. In this case there is a tangible product & a financial benefit, but the point they’re making is that it makes them happy! They feel blessed because they get to do it all the time instead of relegating it to their spare time – or not having time for it at all

EXPANDED Def:
1. PLAY (in general) is made up of a wide range of spontaneous, voluntary, internally motivated activities, usually associated with recreational pleasure. It’s driven by an interest or enjoyment in the task itself rather than -necessarily – working towards an external reward.
Play can range from frivolous & pointless —> through spontaneous, free-spirited & relaxed —> to planned or even compulsive

• In childhood, Playing is ‘run’ by children who choose the plot, location, characters & props – making up or changing the rules arbitrarily. It’s something that completely engaged their attention, & ends when it’s no longer fun or interesting.
IMP: By this definition – when adults have kids ‘playing a game’ of any kind with pre-set rules – it’s not Play 

“Self-directed play gives kids the opportunity to hone their decision-making skills. Selecting a game, focusing on that activity & seeing it through to the end, is an important element of cognitive control, which helps sharpen their planning skills & attention spans. (For teachers….)

And when children are faced with a problem during play, it tests their reasoning judgment, & ability to find a solution. Brain-teasers, puzzles & strategy-based games help reinforce critical thinking skills”

NEXT: ACoAs & Play (Part 2)