PREVIOUS : Ambivalent Style

SITE : The Love Compass  (Junk Sex/ Junk Relationships….)

QUOTE : “If a person loves only one other person & is indifferent to all others, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism.” — psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, author of “The Art of Loving“(1956)

To show love and be loved are the best feeling ever. But, for some searching for love can be quite daunting & worse for people who’ve been in traumatic relationships. We have always wanted our romantic relationships to be perfect & trouble-free, but that is never the case.

To meet each other’s needs starts with both people being able & willing to be responsible for their own part, dropping a long-held superficial personas (social masks), letting themself be vulnerable with each another. They both have to be all-in, or nothing improves. “The power of Vulnerability“

1. SECURE Attachment means:
“I’m okay with letting myself be transparent in my relationships, & I consistently use effective communication, including ways to solve conflicts when they surface.”

♥️ Successful couples tell each other what they need, & are specific. EXP: “I know it’s uncomfortable for you to be affectionate in front of my friends, but at home I really need a hug every day.”
Displays of love don’t have to be 50-50, as long as both people show something. “Each partner will need to make some slight movements in the opposite direction from which they are most comfortable”
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Dating
They don’t play games with you to gauge a potential mate their level of interest – no lies, tricks, or drama. They don’t pretend to be someone they’re not in order to win someone, nor play it hard to get. With Secures things are always clear — they don’t expect others to read their minds. If they’re interested, they’ll say so. If they don’t, they’ll do the same. There will be no mosting, stashing, benching, or any other kind of manipulative tactic.

Partner Selection
Cross-cultural studies suggest that mothers everywhere considered childhood Secure attachment the most desirable pattern. Adults looking for long-term relationships consider potential partners as most attractive who have ‘responsive caregiving qualities’ such as warmth, attentiveness & sensitivity. However, not all adults are paired with such partners. Research suggests that people end up in relationships with someone who confirm their existing beliefs about love relationships.
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Romantic relationships are a component of the “attachment behavioral & motivational systems“, that form caregiving & sexuality.
It’s the emotional bond that develops partly as the result of how well it copies the same set of interactions the partners had with their parents – between infant & earliest caregiver – which becomes the relationship between adult love-partners. The mother-child connection & what lovers share have the same features. THEY :  ↗️

Attachment SEX
Sex educator Emily Nagoski delves into attachment theory & its impact on sexuality in Come As You Are, She writes that “Secure attachers have more frequent sex, better communication about it, higher levels of arousal & orgasm, & more positive emotions during sex.”

Sexual activity releases oxytocin, which increases trust & a feeling of security. And outside the bedroom – when we feel that our partner will show up to be with us, accept us & have our back, the easier it is to be comfortable in the relationship. Security & safety are reinforced in a positive cycle when considering sex as part of a healthy attachment.
In her “Love Sense” book, Dr. Johnson identifies the more Secure style as “synchrony sex.” It’s where love & connection are combined heartily with sexual interaction – the couple feels safe to say what they need, safe to ask for what they want, & safe to enjoy just being sexual with each other without the need for constant reassurance.
It’s fulfilling, where novelty is not needed nor demanded in order to feel satisfied, because it’s not about acrobatic positions. Even so, having the safety & security of knowing the partner is accessible, responsive & engaged, the freer we are to play & enjoy the experience.
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NEXT : Attachment & Relationships #2

PREVIOUS : Disorganized Attachment, #2

BOOK : ” Family Ties That Bind: A self-help guide to change through Family of Origin therapy”

ME : no / YOU  : yes, sort of

1. Ambivalent CHILD
Some researchers consider the Ambivalent  style the most disturbing because the child has no consistent attachment strategy, & therefore no real way for it to cope with given conditions.

Research suggest suggest that this style is relatively uncommon in the US (only 7-15 % of infants), consistently linked to low maternal availability – the least responsive & least interactive. These are anxious parents preoccupied with their own needs & thoughts. As a result the child’s emotional anxiety is expressed as anger – with behavioral strategies that focus on attracting & keeping the mother’s attention : ‘If I cling or cry enough maybe I can get her to respond this time’
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A variation is the Ambivalent/ Distracted Attachment.
It develops from mom (& later dad) continually imposing her emotional & mental state on her child, never synchronized to its needs, only her own.

EXP:  Mother sees her child distracted, busily playing with toys (attachment light off) but she’s lonely & insecure, wanting someone to bond with (her light is on).  She interrupts the child’s focus, joyfully picking it up – it’s her turn to play, as if the child is a doll.  The interaction looks good, but when she’s had enough, she’s on to something else. The effect on the child is damaging.

A distorted existence develops in the child as mom continually pushes her own agenda, disrupting the child’s attachment center, causing it mental confusion & emotional pain. The child never knows when its own needs are allowed or if its own signals to connect will be met. So its light is on & will stay on, just in case the parent responds. Totally lost, the child has to guess when mom or dad will be ready to bond. Not wanting to miss out, hopefully, on something good (“crumbs?”) —> becomes this highly sensitive, hyper-vigilant child’s main motivation.

Instead – Ambivalent children take care of parents’ feelings & needs rather than parents taking care of children. They feel responsible for the adults, so must always be available & on guard for mom & dad, developing the unhealthy dynamic of the “parentified child”, who can never rest.

2. Ambivalent ADULTS
These adults are reluctant to get close to others, & when they do they assume their partner won’t reciprocate their feelings. This leads to frequent breakups, often because the relationship feels cold & distant. Feeling over-connected, Ambivalents are especially distraught at the end of a relationship, experiencing high anxiety.

A pathological pattern in Ambivalents is clinging to young children as a source of security (emotional invest). Also, they can develop emotional problems like depression , anger issues. & more prone to developing PTSD symptoms, from childhood trauma.
⬇️ EXP : The CYRANO – effect, the ‘hunger’ for a particular relationship, even though it’s hopeless. (“Cyrano de Bergerac”).^​

Ambivalents want to grow closer to their romantic partner than the other would wants or needs, & are still hyper-vigilant = now highly aware of their partner’s every move.
They often use emotional manipulation & guilt to make their partner stay, which can backfire, actually increasing their distress. Being so needy, they can become the pursuer, & look for outside sources to help them manage their painful emotions.

Ambivalents tend to be both anxious & hostile, with a more negative, untrusting view of humanity as a whole. However, because of a pervasive fear of abandonment, they ^​need constant reassurance that they’re loved.
They don’t understand personal space, having weak or no boundaries, so their obsession to be with the romantic partners can become too stifling, which will frighten the other person away.^​

Ambivalents are in a catch 22 – with a deep need for closeness but can’t trust their partner to be emotionally available. The effect can be disastrous. When a partner doesn’t feel trusted, it erodes the very foundation of a good relationship.
Initially, they might think, “Oh, they just need more of my attention.” Since they’re into you, they’ll go along with it – for a while – until the constant need for reassurance goes over-the-top, then is annoying, then old. The end is close. And when they’ve recovered from the loss, the Ambivalent will try this all again with someone new.
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Disorganized Style, #1

Disorganized Attachment (DA)
BODY :  The pervasive state of fear found in people with DA has been seen in trauma & memory research. As adults, they have trouble consciously recalling & verbalizing traumatic childhood experiences, caused by prolonged stress on the brain’s memory systems, particularly the hippocampus & amygdala.

Adding a meaningful attachment relationship (therapist, friend, lover…..) is needed to develop the capacity to mentalize & so to reflect on & resolve a traumatic, abusive experiences.
NOTE: Mentalizing capacity forms within early attachment relationships as a parent helps the young child develop a representation of its own mind, which in turn will help it to communicate with other minds. 

MOTHER : Primary caretakes are a psychological & practical mirror, so when a child looks at its parent & what it keeps seesing makes little or no sense – the child has no way of understanding itself or its own behavior.
Panksepp (2001) emphasizes that the frontal lobes of the brain integrate basic emotional processes with the ability for cognitive reflection (thinking about oneself).  But developmental traumas during infancy leave a child unable to regulate their emotions. 

In addition to the come-here-go-away pattern, another cause of DA is the mother’s inability / unwillingness to help the child separate & psychological differentiate from herself (S & I) .
This results in the child’s self-alienation (be the ‘good one’ by disowning their wounded part) & identity diffusion (“Who am I? What do I think, feel, want?”), particularly when the father is weak, powerless or absent. 

This relational dynamic has been linked to a form of adult psychopathology in which dissociated hatred of & rage toward the controlling mother are acted out in sexually perverse ways.

FATHER : The need for the father to help the child separate from a disturbed dyadic relationship with the mother is a vital part of the child’s relational experience. His point of view as a third ‘object’ may provide the child with a second chance to form a secure psychological self.
He is the one who can promote the gradual emergence of the child’s capacity for self-regulation & self-restraint, the ability to communicate effectively & share emotional experiences.

Despite the importance of a father to the child’s overall development, all too often they’re actively alcoholic, physically & verbally abusive, emotionally unavailable, &/or totally absent. This lack includes the long hours worked by many men, & the high rate of separation or divorce in modern-day Western society.

When the child’s attachment to both parents is severely disturbed, serious psychopathology is the likely outcome,  unless a safe person in its environment is available to buffer or protect it & validate its experiences. The child subjected to persistent parental maltreatment may be diverted from successful personality development, possibly ending in borderline PD or other psychopathology.
↘️ Go to site to see the black dot bounce around

Panksepp (2001) also suggests that all children need the social-physical experience of rough & tumble games, a vigorous form of playful interaction typical of healthy child-father relationships.

Children deprived of this opportunity may experience slower neuronal maturation of the frontal lobes, a developmental delay associated with emotional & behavioral problems, particularly ADD & ADHD

BIOLOGY of Disorganized Attachment (DA)
Infants respond to stress by activating a wide range of behaviors & body responses called the Adrenal Stress Response (ASR).
This not only activates the adrenals, but also the pituitary & hypothalamus glands. Attachment research shows that in emotionally neglected infants & young children with Disorganized-A —> the activity of this pituitary-hypothalamic-adrenocortical (HPA) axis – produced a large increase in the hormone Cortisol , as a reaction to reunion with an absent mother, more so than in other Insecures. (see Part 1)

Attachment research by Ashman et.al. showed that a mother’s depression during the first 2 years of the child’s life is the best predictor of cortisol elevations at age 7.  And a study by Essex et.al of 282 4,5-year-olds showed that maternal depression during her child’s infancy was the strongest predictor of high cortisol levels at the tested age.

In contrast, research by Spangler & Schieche on infant adreno-cortical function – after being separated from a parent – indicated that Securely attached infants did not show elevated cortisol, and that the initial level decreased from 0 to 30 minutes after the end of the test. (Janae Weinhold (3/2016)

NEXT: Ambivalent Attachent

PREVIOUS : Avoidant-Dismissive – Growth

SITEs :SITE : ✐  eBooks…. https://janinafisher.com/
✐ “How Disorganized Attachment Became the Most Misunderstood Attachment Style”

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT STYLE (DAS)

ME- no / YOU -no
People with Disorganized Attachment experience persistent & pervasive anxiety in life, & are considered to have a “shattered self,”  with both a negative self-concept & a negative attitude toward everyone else.
Similar to Avoidants, they don’t believe they’re worthy of love, nor able to get the love they need without being angry or clingy. But unlike them, the Disorganized want relationships, they’re just too terrified.

Also, D-As they don’t believe that others are trustworthy, reliable or able to meet their needs. They expect & are waiting for rejection, disappointment & hurt that will inevitable come.

❗️However, in addition to the internal conviction that everyone else is always going to be abusive, Dismissives believe they deserve the abuse they receive.
BTW – the DAS is not considered a “disorder”, but the unhealthy forms of acting it out are, such as substance abuse, depression, delinquent/ aggressive behavior, abuse of their own children ….

Naturally, many DAS sufferers came from abusive, alcoholic & neglectful homes. But the main thing is that the parent(s) gave mixed signals : one minute pushing the child away, the next minute pulling them close – only to push them away again, a source of both fear & reassurance.
The child felt comforted and frightened by the caretaker, causing deep mental & emotional confusion.
As teens & adults, they will repeat this parental cycle of trying to draw close, panicking, fleeing, then trying to draw near again, in dramatic & inconsistent ways.

Background : This parent / caretaker is herself disorganized, feeling trapped in her own chaotic world, She will have quick, unpredictable emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors & muddled treatment of the child. The sudden shifts (attack, withdrawn, punish, ignore….) ——> leave anyone close to her confused, frustrated & terrified.

EXP : Mother frightened, passive, intrusive…. In reaction, her extreme & erratic behavior makes it hard for the child to form a consistent, meaningful coping strategy. When near her, two conflicting mental signals cause the child’s brain to short circuit – so it psychologically fragments & dissociates.

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The first brain signal comes from fear-based experiences with the unsafe mother’s scary facial expressions or behaviors that make her feel dangerous. The infant’s brain stem automatically activates a protective reaction for a quick retreat.

The second brain signal comes from the mammalian that wires ant child to attach to an adult figure for protection & safety, & fires unconsciously. When children fear their attachment figure, they’re faced with an unresolvable paradox : the mother becomes both the source of protection & the source of alarm.

Disorganized infants in Ainsworth’s “Strange Experiment” were more often found in ‘high risk’ environments (extreme poverty, with alcoholic, narcissistic &/or mentally ill parents….). These children acted anxious, confused, dazed, & depressed toward the returning parent, & some rocked back & forth.
❣️ Some ACoAs still act that way as adults, especially around authority figures. (terrified, dissociated?)  See “Laundry List“, point #1.

SEXUAL Responsiveness
Disorganized people tend to swing between anxiety- & avoidance-driven behaviors, creating generally unstable & unpredictable social interactions. This tendency can also apply to their sex life.
EXP : They can express extreme passion & love for someone – one minute – then shut down their ‘attachment system’ during lovemaking, from fear of intimacy, becoming mechanical, emotionally withdrawn & insensitive.

Even more than the Anxious group, Disorganizeds are deeply insecure, but some can cover it with an “I’m too cool to care” attitude, motivated by a “why bother, why risk” avoidance of intimacy. Because they have trouble trusting & depending on their lovers, they’re more likely to choose emotion-free casual sex, which is linked to a higher likelihood of sex addiction. They’re the type who can’t wait to leave after ‘the act’, not wanting to cuddle & definitely not stay overnight.

However, if they do enter a relationship, they often end up with a dominant, assertive partner who will not let the Disorganized ‘get away’. Being chosen by a stronger personality may unconsciously satisfy their need for connection, so they’re willing to be bullied, controlled & manipulated – as a sign of ‘being wanted or loved’.

NEXT : Disorganized Style, #2

PREVIOUS : Don’ts – 2e

SITEs : Defend Your Boundaries to Take Back Control

1. Emotional Don’ts – 3 posts in Feb 2018

2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful
(MHP) Mentally Healthy People  (cont)

🔺MHP Don’t – take everything soooo seriously
Being focused doesn’t mean you can’t ever be chill. Almost everything in your life could be taken a little less seriously. By all means, handle things that need to be handled, and treat significant issues with the appropriate level of concern—but you can also find ways to sprinkle in a little humor and perspective, even in the most serious moments.

There’s a time and place for serious conversations, but the truth is that in business, we choose to work with people who are not only proficient—they connect with us on an emotional level.”

🔺MHP Don’t – think about failure
They make peace with the past & don’t project disaster, using past failures to anticipate potential future disappointments. Since no one
can change past mistakes of the past, they prepared for success. If they do fail, they know they gave it their best shot, & continue working to succeed. They process past experiences to learn from it, but don’t obsess about it. They refuse to live in regret, & can let go of grudges

🔺MHP Don’t  – trust data without verification
They know they have to make sure to have their facts right. Impulsive decisions are based on emotions. The best one are based on verified, well-researched facts,  use multiple credible sources.

🔺MHP Don’t – try to change another person
As adults, they realize they can’t force others to be the kind of person the MHP would like them to be. They take time to see each person for who they are, & either accept (& enjoy) them as is, minimize contact or stay away.
In biz, by not bullying someone into doing something they’re asked to, the MHP gives the other freedom to choose, so they experience positive or negative consequences. This frees the MPH from unnecessary responsibility & stress.

🔺MHP Don’t – use “busy” as a measure of success
They know in order to come up with world-changing ideas and businesses, they must create time and space to think. Successful people aren’t necessarily wealthy … but they’re usually happy. Happiness defines their success more than money.

🔺MHP Don’t – underwhelm (limit possibilities)
They not only set a high bar for themselves, they consistently work to reach it & then move it incrementally higher. A good motto to live by is : “Don’t over-promise & then have to under-deliver, and don’t under-promise because of fear. Instead, realistically promise the best & deliver the best.”

🔺MHP Don’t – waste time on unproductive thoughts
They expend their mental energy wisely. No one can be, or should be, productive 100% of the time, or else they wouldn’t have time to rest, process & evaluate their actions & experiences.

Thousands of thoughts go through our mind every day, so it’s impossible to prevent negative thoughts from sneaking in. But mentally strong people are not consumed by them. They think productively, replacing harmful, self-defeating ideas with useful, realistic ones

Ironically, negative does not always = unproductive. In fact, “dark” thoughts often breed creativity. Some of the most moving pieces of art have been created in “negative” spaces. Letting negative thoughts consume you is different than thinking them and using them to produce something powerful

🔺MHP Don’t – wait for the Perfect time
 They go by the motto “Start before you feel ready”. When a major opportunity arrives, they’re going to feel overwhelming & daunting – that’s what makes it major! They don’t let self-doubt keep them from trying.

MHP power through the sense that they don’t have enough experience & can’t meet the challenge. No one ever does! but they use the talents & drive they already have to pursue their dreams. The rest they trust they can learn, & they do!

When they actually get started, excitement turns into energy, energy into action, action into something meaningful – & momentum steps in to lend a hand. 

NEXT :

 Modified FROM : “8 Things Successful People Never Waste Time Doing”

NEXT:

PREVIOUS: Don’ts – 2d

SITE: How to Identify Core Beliefs 

POSTS: “Core Values“

NOTE: Lists are a COMPOSITE

1. Emotional Don’ts – see 3 posts in Feb 2018

2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful Mentally Healthy People – (MHP)

🔺MHP Don’t – resent other people’s success
Because they are comfortable with & proud of their own achievements, they appreciate & celebrate other people’s success in life.  They don’t feel jealous or cheated when others surpass them in recognition or financial rewards.
They stay in their own lane, pursuing their own goals – which may not be the same as those of other people – knowing they have the power to increase their own growth. Besides, they want to be surrounded by people who are also achieving their dreams, & can be their peers.

🔺MHP Don’t – put themself last
They understand that success is holistic, so for long-term success &  happiness,  their overall welfare must be a top priority – because they matter. We all go through times when we don’t get enough sleep or exercise, like when working on a big project or dealing with a major stressor, but MPH don’t use precious energy feeling guilty about all they ‘should have done’ over a 3- day weekend, or obsess about taking a break when they really need it. 

Since brains need rest too, to operate in peak form during work hours they make sure to rest & recharge in off time. “Me-time is not wasted time”. Self-care is made up of activities that give life meaning outside of work, while contributing to better performance at work. That’s why they’re just as committed to relaxation & wellness as they are to improving & enhancing career productivity.

🔺MHP Don’t – put work before family
Work is important, but not more than staying connected to loved ones. It keeps them grounded, & is key to living a healthy, prosperous life. Quality time with peers & those who wish the best for them – provides mental & emotional refreshment, making it easier to thrive & face work challenges.

This is as much about mental attitude & personal values as about the amount of time spent with them, which may not be as much as everyone would like. They don’t neglect their intimate relationships with the excuse “I did it all for you”, while staying away physically & emotionally. MHP are not afraid of closeness.

◆ALSO Don’t – betray family or friends
HMP know how to stick up for themself, & not get rolled over. But they deeply value their support system, so back them up in realistic, legitimate ways. After all, if their closest circle can’t trust them, why would anyone else?

🔺MHP Don’t – shy away from change
While not all changes are welcomed or beneficial, MHP will find ways to adjust their attitude & actions to manage stressful events. Although the unknown possibilities that come with change can cause anxiety, MHP survive & succeed because of their ability to adapt, rather than meeting it with resistance. 

At the same time, they look forward to the inevitability of new options & experiences in life, especially the positive unexpected ones, considering them an opportunity for creativity. A work environment filled with new technologies & trends represents forward movement, is energizing & brings out the best in people.

🔺MHP Don’t – speak negatively about themselves
The most important difference between those who succeed in life & those who don’t is how they talk about themselves. They know that discounting achievements & insinuating they can’t do something only serves to hurt their ability to reach their goals. So they don’t boast, yet (quietly) make their competence clear to everyone.

🔺MHP Don’t – stay uncertain or unclear
They know what they want in life – their talents, desires dreams & interests.  They set goals & know how to communicate those goals to others, being clear about their intentions & what actions they want to take – working hard to achieve them.

They’re the people who accomplish great things in life – set attainable, measurable, realistic, specific, time-driven (SMART) goals. It’s important to eliminate any that will set them up for failure, even if those may be long-cherished idealistic or ego-driven desires.

NEXT : Don’ts – 2f

PREVIOUS: # 2c

1. Emotional Don’ts – see 3 posts in 2/18

2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful
(MHP) Mentally Healthy People  (cont)

🔺MHP Don’t – let fear stop them from saying Yes
They’re aware that pursuing their goals & being outstanding means having to take chances from time to time, but successful outcomes depend on taking the right kind.

They face & deal with the 3 basic fears which stop others – failure, rejection, & success itself. They don’t pass up chances for growth even when it feels uncomfortable, willing to take calculated risks that can open doors to new & amazing opportunities.

🔺MHP Don’t – say yes when they really mean No
They’re able to set boundaries on their time & efforts. Saying NO when necessary keeps them focused on the most important tasks that help reach their goals.

In fact, success is often based on what they decide not to do – so that precious time isn’t wasted. They don’t recklessly jump into anything that seems to be “too good to be true”, & don’t let emotions cloud their judgment. They weigh benefits vs. dangers, accurately calculating consequences for each side, making decisions that balance emotion with logic.

🔺MHP Don’t – say yes to everything
They are go-getters, even over-achievers by others’ standards. So naturally they want to raise their hand at every opportunity that presents itself for participation.

But successful people know they can’t do it all – over-committing is a sure way to fail, so is not part of their mind-set.
Being a person of their word is a must, & only commit to things they know they’ll be able to do – starting each say with only 5 things on their list. If they have time & energy for more – fine. They work on things that will move the needle, so they always get what they need done – done.

🔺MHP Don’t – lose sight of their goals
They never take their eyes off their visions & dreams, so they set Specific, Measurable, Attainable,  Realistic, Time-driven (SMART) goals, which provide long-term vision with short-term motivation.
Clear goals provide a standard to identify forward progress even during long hard grinds, allowing them to value their ability & competence, which strengthens self-confidence.

A Harvard study of students :  — 84% had no goals at all
— 13% had goals but not written down
Only 3% had written goals with plans outlined

FOLLOW UP on same students 10 years later:
The 13%-ers were earning twice that of the 84%-ers
The 3% were earning 10 times MORE than the other 97%.

🔺MHP Don’t – make rash decisions
They know the best decisions come with restraint – using logic instead of reacting in the emotional heat of the moment. They wait, see what happens, seek advice, then decide.  They don’t automatically or frantically rush to action. Some decisions do include urgency which have to be made quickly. Others need time to turn out well. And sometimes doing nothing at all is wisest.

🔺MHP Don’t – mismanage time
Successful people do not misuse or distort time , but rather treat it as their most valuable asset.  They know what they need to do each day to function well, & what others need to do for them to get things done.

🔺MHP Don’t – overthink things
 They rarely get stuck in ‘analysis paralysis’, because – they refuse to overthink things (obsess) not second guessing themself. Instead, they evaluate their options in the moment & take action whenever possible – as soon as possible. They know that their choices can’t always be ideal, but have confidence they’ll be okay no matter the outcome

🔺MHP Don’t – pretend to know everything
Successful people are not arrogant – knowing they’re successful, they aren’t jerks about it.  It doesn’t blind them to being aware of important information or seeing potential areas of improvement that will help them make better choices.
In business, info-arrogance limits creativity & options. Trusting that “I know what I know”, they’re not too proud to consult trusted advisors, unconsciously using the proverb, “In the abundance of counselors there is wisdom.”

NEXT : Don’ts -#2e

PREVIOUS: # 2b

SITEs : 9 ways to SELF-CARE

SITE : 13 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

1. Emotional Don’ts – (Feb 2018)

2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful (MHP) Mentally Healthy People  (cont)

🔺MHP don’t – go through the day without a plan
They have a purpose, with short & long-term goals. They’re laser-focused on things they want to accomplish on a particular day – unless an emergency gets in the way. Writing things down is helpful, but only works on the top 2 or 3 priorities, not a long list of things that no human can do. They know they have to break down large tasks into realistic steps, which makes it easier to get them done & crossed off the list.

 🌠  don’t – undervalue the need to plan
They start the day with a plan, or at the very least an outline – since real life sometimes get in the way. However, they don’t just go wherever the wind takes them every morning – they decide what they want to focus their energy on, & follow through as much as possible. When life sidetracks then they go back to the plan. Calendars & journals help to track their progress & keeps them from letting other people’s needs & plans constantly shove their own priorities on the back burner.

🔺MHP Don’t – gossip
They know there’s a difference between information & gossip, so they don’t repeat info they have about someone to others, realizing that another person’s private life is none of their business.
Instead of trying to knock others down to make themselves feel better, MHP focus on working towards the goals they’ve set for themself.
They choose to spend time on productive conversations that build up those around them – or keep silent. Rather than gossiping about people behind their backs, which is toxic, they’re respectful & keep to their boundaries.

🔺MHP Don’t – keep negative people around
 Studies have concluded that “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”, & happiness is directly related to the type of “PPT” (people, places & things) we choose to deal with on a regular basis.

Negative people tend to dampen – even poison – the atmosphere around them, acting like an anchor to progress. To stay on a growth path, MHP are able to develop & maintain a network of valuable & supportive family, friends & staff, surrounding themself with people who inspire as well as support.

🔺MHP Don’t – insist the world owes them
Even if they’re very knowledgable & can express their talents successfully, they don’t assume the world owes them. They enter the work-world prepared to succeed on their merits, at every stage of their career. Because life plans can be derailed at any moment – they don’t waste effort feeling “wronged by destiny” when things don’t exactly go their way.

They thrive on working long & hard for what they want, & enjoy their accomplishments. They believe in their right to happiness, but not a life free from obstacles or setbacks. They intentionally focus on what they have to offer, rather than what is ‘deserved’ . Even if they’ve been dealt an unfair hand in life, they use their gifts well, & gladly share them with others.

🔺MHP Don’t – let bad habits control them
They own their weaknesses (time-wasting activities, addictions….) & develop their private & public environments in such a way as to limit the ‘bad habits’ or eliminate the possibility of indulging them.  Minimizing self-defeating behaviors does not include eliminating normal & needed down-time or occasional healthy indulgence used as a break from hard work.

🔺MHP Don’t – let their skills atrophy
Just like with muscles, they know that professional skills need to be developed & improved in order to stay in good work-shape. They make sure to keep a balance – successfully incorporating daily use of their specialized knowledge, as well as moving ahead by feeding their minds with tools to grow & stretch in their field.

NEXT :  Don’ts – 2d

PREVIOUS: MHP, #2a

SITE: Defend Boundaries to Take Back Control

1. Emotional Don’ts  (Feb 2018)

 2. MENTAL Don’ts for Successful
Mentally Healthy People (MHP)  (cont)

🔺MHP – DON’T constantly compare to others
They don’t “compare & despair”, accepting that people are complex & circumstances are different for everyone, so it’s not possible to use anyone else as a standard for their own value & life path.

They can be inspired by what other successful people are doing, but will only accurately & fairly compare who they are in the present to their own past self.

They don’t do things that require them to BE someone they’re not.  They check : “Why am I doing this? Am I suited for it? Does it fit me? Is it sustainable?….”  They don’t try to constantly be one-up by getting sucked into competition, which is measuring oneself against others’ rules or achievements.

🔺MHP Don’t – (always) choose short-term comfort over long-term benefits
They don’t just live for the present moment, having mastered the art of delayed gratification for a future reward – when necessary – which they apply when something they want is important to them but not immediately available.
Also, when they know something they want may require uncomfortable, time-limited steps, they’re willing to forge ahead, because it will get them a longed-for benefit (which it does!).

While staying ‘awake’ for what’s happening in their environment (& inside themself), they look down the road to see the long-term consequences of their choices.  They remember to ‘smell the roses’ along life’s path (fun, rest, beauty, love….), but consider possible outcomes of their behavior – on themself & others – using common sense & what they’ve learned from past experience.

Using this skill (as needed, not rigidly!)  is one of the most basic differences between successful & unsuccessful people, both personally & professionally.
NOTE : MHP do not deprive themself of positive short-term benefits, just not as a way to procrastinate or serlve addictions.

🔺MHP Don’t – dwell on past mistakes
They realistically evaluate the outcome of their actions – both successes & failures. The key to success is to learn from any mis-steps by identifying what works & what doesn’t, & not cling to useless ‘favorite’ or outdated traditional procedures. They think: “That error happened, & I can’t go back – so what can I do next time?”, insuring that they don’t make the same mistake over & over – if possible.

🔺MHP Don’t – expect immediate results
They accept Process – that most goals are reached through a series of steps  – so don’t underestimate how long it can take to succeed. “Patience is a virtue!” Taking the long-term view, they applying their best effort & skills, knowing that real change takes time.

If it’s a big project or new experience, they may want to research how long it took others to reach the same goal.
EXP: If the average person needs 1-2 years to learn a new programming skill, success oriented people will not expect to become an expert coder in two weeks.
OR If they only have 1-2 hours a day to work on writing a novel, they accept it will take a lot longer than if they did it full-time. (Posts : “ACoAs & Time“)

🔺MHP Don’t – externalize, they Internalize
Circumstance may be restrictive or difficult – family obligations, health problems, recession…. – but successful people always look within first – knowing that a healthy Inner life determines Outer success. They’re aware that having a satisfying life with few regrets has mostly to do with who they are inside – rather than being totally dependent on outside circumstances. Not driven by toxic family rules – having an internal life based on being comfortable within themself based on healthy life rules largely contributes to producing satisfying external outcomes.

🔺MHP Don’t – focus on societal expectations
They are aware of social rules & laws – which they make a point of obeying. However, they refuse to be pressured by social ‘norms’ & expectations – which are constantly changing – & which don’t contribute to their personal life & career path. They don’t try to measure up to anyone’s unrealistic standards or get pulled around by career expectations that other people set – which can only drain enthusiasm & resourcefulness.

NEXT : Don’ts – 2c