I WANT TO IMPROVE as many relationships as possible

PREVIOUS: Adult forgiveness (#7a)  ▲IMAGE : VeryWELL

SITEs: Healthy way to forgive yourself (and its dark side)

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 6a & b. Healing CHILDHOOD T.E.A.

TOOL 7b. FORGIVING Ourselves as ADULTS (cont.)  re. ACoA Step 4 & 5

SELF-FORGIVENESS is letting go of guilt & shame, which takes persistent time & effort, and in never complete. Letting go means accepting that we can’t change our past, but can learn from it.
At its heart, ACCEPTANCE is seeing everything as it really is, no matter how unpleasant, rather than what we want it to be. (more in Part 6b)
Acceptance eliminates illusions & CDs, & so makes letting go possible.

++ ACCEPT ourselves as valuable Children of God / HP / the Universe, which helps to stop the cruel inner rant (the WIC or PP) – a choice we can implement every day.
The benefits of self-acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to let go – of releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.)

++ ACCEPT that we are wounded – not defective. Letting go means stopping the cruel inner PP rant – a choice we can implement every day. Given the very hard times we’ve been thru, it means we need to be extra kind to ourselves. (Purpose of healthy parental mirroring )

 ++ ACCEPT our human limitations, which will allow us to let go of judging ourselves so harshly. That no matter how much we wish it we can’t go back & change anything. AND that we’ll never have the parents / family we legitimately wanted

LETTING GO means:
• accepting all our emotions, without reservation or judgment
• being kind to ourselves, no matter what, & staying present for whatever Es come up
• facing & dealing with our anger at our family, & other T.E.As.
• forgiving the things we didn’t do, which caused us or others harm.
• releasing any & all accusations or blame of God / the Divine for painful experiences caused by humans
• remembering painful & embarrassing situations we got ourselves into because of anxiety, FoA & dissociation (out-to-lunchness) – without S-H

EXP: In her 20’s Jenny had a little grey cat she loved a lot. As Greyling was getting older, he get thinner & thinner, but Jenny was too busy studying & writing papers for her college classes to pay much attention.

• One night Greyling flopped over on the bed, not able to stand. Jenny was worried, but thought he was just old. The next day she saw he was very weak – not moving, not eating – so she finally took him to the vet. The vet took one look at the little cat & turned angrily to Jenny. “You let this cat deteriorate to the point that he’s so dehydrated he had a stroke! There’s nothing I can do – he needs to be put down!”.

• Jenny was devastated at the loss, & deeply ashamed of her neglect. She had caused this sweet creature severe suffering because of her obliviousness. Working it thru in therapy & ACoA meetings, she understood that ignoring the signs of illness in Greyling came from her grammar school time. She spent many years seeing her father in terrible pain from a long illness, often lying in a dark room but never complaining, while mother kept telling her to be very quiet & not bother him.
Jenny loved her dad & hurt deeply for him, but was totally helpless. To protect against her overwhelming frustration & powerlessness, she became numb to physical suffering.

• Accepting the connection between past & present, & continuing to grieve Greyling, Jenny sincerely forgave herself for her inaction, without S-H, knowing where it came from. Even years later she sometimes feels sad for her dad & the cat, without judgement, & has made sure to not make that mistake again with other cats.

NEXT: ADULT self-Forgiveness (#7e)