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Victims #3

Victim = (V)
Perpetrator = P 

CHARACTERISTICS (cont.)
1. Psychological / Spiritual
2. Physical
3. Emotional

4. MENTAL (Toxic beliefs, CDs)
a. re. Self – They :
• accept total blame & guilt for violence from the P, believe social myths about battering
• actively defend against hearing any criticism about the abuser
• always apologize for something – blaming themself for never doing things right or well enough
• aren’t able or willing to speak up on their own behalf (their rights)
They
• aren’t aware that they allow abuse to occur (not the same as causing it!)
• believe in stereotypical sex role requirements
• believe they don’t deserve to be respected as human beings
• blame themself for other people’s problems, or blame problems on the world, life, luck or a given situation – but never the P
They 
• deceive themself into thinking that -one day- magically, the abuser will change, that “Things will get better if I just try harder”
• have unrealistic expectations of the relationship & themself
• think they need to be controlled (or “protected”) by others

b. re. Abusers – Victims :
• always seem confused & surprised by other people’s insensitivity…. even when knowing someone for a long time
• believe they need the P. because they don’t think they’re capable of managing or succeeding by themself
• can’t ask directly, so expect others to just “know what I want/ need.” Being disappointed so often as kids, they stopped trying
They
• don’t express opinions, make comments, admit desires
• have a hard time setting boundaries/ limits, and saying “No”
• make up stories to others about how good their relationship is (not!)
• repeatedly make excuses for & forgive their partner’s (elderly parent, adult-child….) unacceptable behavior, allowing it to continue

COPYING the Abuser
All long-term abuse Victims in emotionally volatile relationships create defenses which sometimes turn them into the abuser – the way children mimic their parents. “Hurt people hurt people” Harmful defenses may also be used as a preemptive strike for protection, aimed :
a. Toward Others: before someone can do you in, you do them first (treat others the way you expect to be treated) – criticize, stonewall, demean, abandon….
b. Toward Self: tell everyone how terrible, bad, weak you are – before they find out for themselves AND leave – which S-H says is inevitable!

UNHELPFUL – In spite of the reality that Vs consistently under-estimate & under-report harmful behavior, many ‘helpful’ people give exactly the wrong advice when listening to a V.
They may :
• insist the V. be self-righteous, without taking any responsibility in the relationship (‘Take the high road”)
• completely dismiss the V’s perspective & have no empathy for them
• define the P’s essence using negative labels (pig, bitch…), rather than correctly identifying their actions as abusive
• minimize or justify their own aggressive behavior so side with the P.
• never help the V to acknowledge any good things the ‘other person’ does, & identify all their behaviors as negative (B & W thinking)

HELPFUL – Counter-intuitive suggestion to the V – THEY: 
• can leave the P as a compassionate act – for the abuser’s own good by removing the opportunity to act out their pain on someone else
• can have compassion for the abuser, WITHOUT white-washing / minimizing their actions.  This helps the V. to see the damage the abuser does to themself – who may feel ashamed but believes they’re powerless to resist being abusive

Helping the V. to LEAVE
• must build up their psychological strengths, expanding the good things about their basic nature, which will ensure their safety & growth
• it will provide stress relief, lessening the V’s highs & lows of abandonment pain
• V. can know their reason for leaving is justified & legitimate – the purpose is to preserve their dignity, & stop adding to their pain
• leaving with minimize rage & resentment can prevent a volatile ending
• using this adult attitude, a neutral or respectful closure from the V. may prevent the abuser from wanting revenge, by not being humiliated with cruel words as well as from the hurt of losing the relationship
• it can lessen or eliminate personal attacks & aggressive behavior from the Perp, which makes many Vs go back to the abuser – out of guilt & shame.

NEXT:  Traits of abusers – General