I’VE ALWAYS HAD to CONTROL –
everything – to feel safe

PREVIOUS: What is S-elfControl, #5

POSTs : Healthy UNIT – Adult & Parent

QUOTE: “Wealth is not about having a lot of money. It’s about having a lot of options”.  ~ Chris Rock

To IMPROVE Self-control (S-C), especially in difficult situations, it’s relevant & important & to have as much info about the PPT involved.

So when trying to understand or decide what to or not to do/say –
First : step back & do a quick mental OVER-VIEW
a. Pay more attention to the forest instead of focusing on individual trees, ie. consider the ultimate goal or big picture of the situation you’re in

b. Look at how your actions fit into the overall framework, as being part of a larger plan or purpose in your life, NOT just a specific instance or action. Don’t just stare at a detail in front of you (“But he said…., they ignored me…..), getting lost in something that bothers you or that may be out-of-place.

UNDERSTAND :
• One instance of an issue or topic does not give enough info about its purpose or definition, so using it to ‘carve it in stone’ is faulty thinking (a CD),
➼ AND only focusing on a specific example or instance prevents us from being able to apply the concept to a wide variety of life situations. This limits our ability to understand what causes our actions, & so to be in charge of them.

EXP: When a person is asked what they think something means such as “What is the purpose of Guilt?” // “What is Self-Hate” ….
— the inevitably answer is given as an example of it:
“Feeling bad about something” // “Being hard on oneself”….
— rather than its basic definition, its meaning, or what it’s used for.
Solution:
Think of a Definition or Purpose of a topic as the large category ANIMAL (the Kingdom) Then you can list as many different examples as apply – cat, horse, bird, elephant, crock….(the Species)

HEALTHY S-C is NOT ABOUT:
• asking for permission to be who you already are. But it is respectful to ask – if you’re ‘impinging’ on someone’s rights, or if you need to give them a choice about something
• being any healthier than you are, in order to have good things in life
• knowing everything or solving every issue (not be perfect)
• arguing your point – unless it’s really important, especially when it’s clear someone is not open. You don’t have to be right, & don’t have to prove it when you are
If we push & push to be understood by unavailable people, we just make a fool of ourself (Article re. being in control, w/ Biblical references)

STRENGTHEN S-C by engaging your ADULT
INSIDE:
• every morning look in the mirror while washing & teeth-brushing, & think of 5 things you value about yourself – no matter how imperfect!
• be honest, & be true to yourself. Realize you’re important, & never believe or accept anyone saying or implying that you aren’t
AND
• focus on what’s important to you, putting your all into those things – rather than into any that aren’t relevant or worthwhile
• be happy with yourself, focus on what you can change, and ignore what you can’t (either not right now – or ever)
• make the best of the life you have, changing the things that are harmful & eliminating things that are a waste of time/energy
OUTSIDE:
• always remember your best qualities & skills, what makes you valuable & unique, so you can be your best Self in the moment
• organize the important things you need to do each day, & keep a positive (“can-do”) attitude in your work place
AND
• try doing things the way you want to, instead of letting others influence you to do it their way, or distract you from your goals
• when someone is mean to you (by action/ words), stick up for yourself, with assertive “I” statements, coming from your Healthy Adult
• remember to be polite, & look at things as possibilities (WikiHow) which
YOU CAN be in control / in charge of your life.

NEXT: Toxic Family Rules