PREVIOUS: Being Controlled #2

REVIEW Posts: ‘Abandonment Pain, Now’ and ‘Negative Introject‘

Negative Programming MAINTAINED BY
1. Toxic Family RULES
• “Be loyal to the family, even if they’re crazy, hurtful, neglectful or sadistic” // “Never, ever hold anyone else accountable for their bad behavior” (especially ‘authority’)…  insure that we cling to anyone who treats us as badly as our family, because no one else would want us

• “Do as I say, not as I do” //  “Children should be seen & not heard”… trained us to obey authority, no matter how stupid or cruel
• “Don’t think for yourself” , “You’re stupid & will never amount to anything”….  taught us to believe that others are more qualified to tell us what to do & how to be

• “If you don’t like it you have to stay”, “You’re always supposed to suffer”….  insures that we don’t have permission to object or leave
• “I’m not allowed to want anything and I’ll never get what I need – ever!” , “Being close is dangerous”!….. keep us extra vigilant to deny even normal needs & wants.
They restrict our self-awareness, which then gets externalized as a need to control everything & everyone else, in a vain attempt to feel safe.

• “Other people’s needs & feelings are always more important than mine” //  “I have no rights” …. make us afraid to say what we do or don’t want / will tolerate – lest we hurt someone’s feelings or make them angry at us

• “You can never be comforted when in pain” //  “Joy, contentment & peace are not an option for you”… keep us from finding & staying in comfortable, nourishing relationships or environments
• “You deserve to be punished severely for bad things that others do to you (because it’s your fault)”…  allow controllers to reinforce our victim status & keeps us from questioning the validity of their behavior

2.  ADULT Emotions & EXPERIENCES
We let others control us as long as we do not develop a strong Healthy Adult /Loving Parent UNIT to be responsible for leading our Inner Tribe, which leaved the job to the WIC & PP.

We give in to others because of:
• Fear of Abandonment (FoA) – afraid someone is going to leave us (a lover) or take something important away (a job) – as if we’re still a small child.  We act the Victim, trying to twist ourself into whatever the controlllers demanded of us
• Hopelessness – ‘learned helplessness’ is the outcome of trauma, so we learned to not even try, even when circumstances are in our favor
• Loneliness – that desperate inner emptiness which is actually a left-over from childhood, & in the present is the result of not having a Loving Parent to nurturing ourself, which would heal the WIC

Because of:
• Blanking out – ‘leaving our body‘, which shuts our mind off temporarily & makes us not be present at all, so we can’t think or talk – allowing others to push their way into our thoughts & actions, & take over
• Co-Dependence – looking for others to tell us who we are, to know how to earn their love by trying to be what we think they want

• Ignorance: not knowing what words to actually say to protect & defend ourself, or push someone away when appropriate
• Immaturity – we think when others control us it’s an expression of their love, and we don’t want to be in charge of our own life

• Naiveté (denial) – not realizing or not wanting to know – how selfish, narcissistic & unscrupulous some people are, (especially our parents),  wanting to believe everyone has good intentions or are just doing their best!

• Narcissism (ours) – thoroughly believe that everything others do, say, think or feel – is about us. Very little is!
• Perfectionism –  trying to be all things to all people to make up for feeling unloved as a child, and so guarantee everyone’s approval

• Sensitivity – we are highly attuned to other people’s emotional distress – (but not our own !) which we absorb (not having good Bs) and try to fix for them, instead of healing our own
• Unable – thinking we don’t know how or can’t do anything, so we let others tells us what to do, think & feel.

NEXT: Being controlled #4