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25 POSTs : “Secretly Angry Nice People” & co-dependence

BOOK: “Not Nice – Stop People-Pleasing….”

❗️Remember you were only a child (in a dysfunctional environment) when you developed your Anxious Attachment style, & that it was in no way your fault!

❗️Access your deep-seated need for security! Be compassionate toward yourself as you get clearer about your painful childhood. Sty awake for when you feel especially scared & where that’s located in your body.
Take responsibility for any old ‘issues’ that get triggered & acted out, questioning the validity of the negative beliefs that scare you.

❗️Don’t abandon yourself – know what your needs, wants & dreams are & then find healthy ways to provide them. Put those desires in the foreground instead to burning yourself out to ‘buy love’ & approval.

When you feel anxious, talk it thru with a trusted person & share it in Al-anon. Practice the mental attitude of thinking positively to feel happy – without needing to make everyone else feel that way too. Your serenity is just as important to you, so embrace it!

❗️Be honest about you needs from the start of any relationship – it’ll make the wrong people leave & the right ones stay. Stuffing emotions, opinions & needs is how Anxious Attachers cope. We keep ourself small or invisible – to make room for pleasing others. Stop!

Bravely ask for anything you want, but don’t assume everyone can actually comply. Make sure you go to the right people – who already have what you need. Even so, they’re not obligated to provide it !

❗️Practice noticing & then believing that other people’s behavior is not about you (not personal!).  Accept that almost everyone projects their own experiences, judgements & self-hate – on to others – including you. Their reactions are theirs, no matter what you do or who you are.

❗️Stop equating love with the adrenalin rush of a romantic high. Take romantic partners off the pedestal – they’re not going to save you! Stop people-pleasing, Choose friends & partners who are already emotionally available, committed & empathetic, who can value & treasure you just the way you are. Avoid Avoidantly Attached types.

❗️Remind yourself that if your trustworthy partner pulls away – it’s temporary, not a “worst-case-scenario”, which BTW you are projecting your family on to them.
Calmly express you fear of abandonment, rather than accuse, blame, control or demand. (Stop the drama).

❗️Accept & respect “NO.”  Be able to handle feeling rejected – especially when it’s not a rejection of your Self. While you must speak up about what you need & want, also allow others to set their own boundaries, not be available, or say they don’t know how or can’t help you.

You don’t have to like it, but respect it the same way you want to be respected. Then ask yourself if the relationship provides other things that work for you. (It may not!)
If a partner or friend isn’t allowed to say “No” when they need to, they’ll start avoiding you.  We can not get everything we want or need from one ‘special’ person, and we can tolerate a no more easily when it’s presented, by learning to self-soothe – comforting the Wounded Inner Child.

↗️ Laws of Detachment are about trust & surrender rather than control: From a psychological perspective, neuroscientist & author Tara Swart, Ph.D., in the The Source, says that “it takes time to build up & strengthen neural pathways before you are ready for a new behavior, relationship, or job.” So don’t get caught up in timelines, overthinking, & doubts.

Al-anon saying: “Take the action & let g0 of the results”. When we stop insisting that outcome must be our way, we’re free to stumble across wonderful possibilities & real options.
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