HIDDEN ANGER
is tricky to deal with

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Dealing with P-As #2

SITE: BLOG re. P-A relationship

 

Our EMOTIONS
Notice how you feel around the P-A.
Pay close attention to your instincts. You’ll definitely feel frustrated, & then angry. If you don’t know what’s happening or you’re blaming yourself you may even despair. You are actually in a situation you can’t win – nothing you say or do seems to please them or get them to hear you. YOU :
• are likely feel tired or deflated, IF you’ve been trying to make sense of their behavior, & spending a lot of energy trying to get them to co-operate
• can feel hurt if they give you the silent treatment
•  feel annoyed that they’re always complaining, but don’t do anything to improve their situation

Make Friends with YOUR Anger
To be effective in dealing with P-As you have to be OK with your own feeling of anger at them (acceptance) – because that’s a normal reaction to being jerked around.

REMEMBER: We have our own hot buttons, which P-As can take advantage of – once they get to know us. Identify them, & then notice when you get really anxious or have a strong angry reaction when a button is bumped into.
EXP: When ignored / accused wrongly / called ‘too sensitive’ / treated as stupid / taken advantage of / not given credit…..

Moderate your Response
Develop a “Teflon coating” for yourself when dealing with P-As — stay calm, keep your voice neutral, hold your emotions in check. The less reactive you are, the less fuel they have for their hidden anger tactics
• If possible, find out what the P-A is angry about – in the present situation. Notice a problem they’re reacting to as soon as you can

• Because P-As don’t show their anger directly, you can talk to someone who knows them well enough to tell you what the P-A’s buttons are, to know what subtle signs to look for
• Think seriously about what might really be driving the P-A’s behavior, which is usually a symptom of something else (or deeper) that’s upsetting them. NOTE: these is a tools to help with awareness, not in order to fix them

Stay as neutral as you can manage – even if you have to act-as-if. When you do get upset (which is likely), calm yourself down first before addressing whatever issue that’s bothering you – take a walk, crank up the music & dance, call a sponsor, read a page or two from the Al-Anon “Just for Today” Meditations…..
Then figure out exactly what you need / want from this situation, what is actually possible & what realistic outcome you can live with

Practice ++ self-talk (until it’s automatic), such as:
🤔”I didn’t cause it / I can’t control it / I can’t cure it”.
• I recognize their ______ as P-A behavior – it’s a familiar pattern I see & acknowledge
• He wants me to get angry & yell, so it’ll end up being my problem, not his
• I know what’s behind her procrastination, intentional inefficiency, ‘laziness’…
• It is her anger/ resentment that she’s not owning up to
• I don’t want to (& won’t) participate in P-A manipulation
• I have a right to be treated at least with respect, at best more lovingly
• I trust my gut reaction when I feel jabbed – because that’s what just happened

Empathize
Learn reflective listening & express empathy toward the P-A. While this may be hard to do, it can sometimes be helpful in dealing with sideways anger, & may disarm them. In any case, be compassionate toward yourself.

You can reflect (mirror back) their suppressed emotions by saying things like, “It seems like you were frustrated by what happened in school / at work….  today. That makes sense & must have been hard…..”
You can remind yourself that someone has probably been patient, understanding & compassionate towards you at times when you were not at our best. Pay it forward.

FROM Elephant Journal: “The passive-aggressive individual is not a bad person, they are simply a person who has been deeply hurt.
And when it’s a family member, friend, or intimate partner, the only way to stay present is with expansive love.
Pushing such a person to be honest or direct does not work, because they can’t see past their own fear & hurt.
Space and time are essential for healing.
Even more so, seeing the best in them can alleviate some of their fear, & reassure them they’re held with love, & embraced with your security.”

PS: In most cases it’s the P-A’s behavior / communication that’s hurtful & unhealthy (bad), is not the essence of the person. This is because the ‘acting out’ comes from the person’s False Self, rather than their hidden Healthy / True Self. However – their hurtful behavior is not to be excused or overlooked.